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~♥~Mia~♥~

How do you cope when the answer to pray is no?

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~♥~Mia~♥~

When it is a life time challenge. I have been praying for a partner for some time but I always feel the answer is no. When I ask "Is there someone for me?" I feel the answer is no. Whenever I discuss this with people in RL, I am told I am being silly or not to worry it will happen soon enough. I have been on my own for the better part of a decade, soon enough was a long ago.

 

I want to know how to accept no and not feel like I am missing out on one life's greatest pleasures. I used to be ok with it but in the past couple of months, the feeling of "Its ok to be single" has vanished.

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sunshine_days

Hard isn't it.

 

Esp when we want everything to HAPPEN NOW.

 

But God knows us best and knows when we need things and when the timing is right.

 

I was dating this guy when l was 15, l brought this guy to chruch and he became a chrisitan. He had a rough home life and church and God was his lifesaver at the time. Anyhow we dated for about 3 years and then broke up (his family were just too hard to deal with) and then a few years later we got together again.

 

I always had it in my head that this was the guy for me. God had brought him into my life as my partner.

 

But things just kept getting bad with him, we'd fight etc...

 

I was so head set that this was the guy l would marry. I knew l was to marry, God had that planned for me but l wanted what l thought was best and not what God had for me.

 

It was a hard few years, l grew a lot and l was in pain a lot. It was very up and down.

 

It wasn't till l hit rock bottom and cried out to God to help me. And he did. I was at peace and l just gave everything over to him (including my life partner) and just focused on my relationship with God. it was a huge weight off my shoulders and l stopped looking for that husband to be.

 

I even gave all to God and said the next guy l dated would be the one God had planned for me to marry.

 

Then l met DH, l wasn't ready (thought l wasn't). But l had never met a guy like him before. he stood out from anyone l had ever met. He understood me, we both loved God and had been seeking what God wanted for us in our lives.

 

We had dates and DH-to-be just stood out from others. I still remember when we were driving out one day singing along as you do. It was there that God told me this man next to me was the man he had planned for me to marry. It was so clear and lw ill never forget it.

 

And here we are today.

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custardtart

I'm with Freakypet - is it a blanket 'no', or is it 'no, not until you have given up yourself to me and learned what I need you to learn...' ?

The only way to get the answer to that, is to give up your dreams and rest totally in Him. Until you do that, in its entirety, with all it entails, then the answer won't change.

God can't move things in our lives until we let them go. It's like you're holding the pieces of the puzzle, wanting them to fit, but God can't slot them in to place to create an understandable picture until we put them down. Put down the pieces and step back. Let God be God.

 

I understand your desire for a partner to share your life with, but perhaps that is because it is the most fulfilling thing you can think of in this world? Perhaps it is not the most fulfilling thing God has for you? His vision is bigger.

 

I don't know how to cope with it on a daily basis. The way I see it, there are only two choices - hang on to it and try and make it happen, or give it up to God and let Him run your life.

Sometimes, when you don't get the answer you want, it is because you are asking the wrong question.

 

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~♥~Mia~♥~

Thank you all for replying. I appreciate it :heart:

 

The answer definitely feels like no, not a "not now" or "not yet" just "this is not for you" and I used to be ok with that. I was happy planning my future with my children. Once the children are grown (a decade away) I planned to devote myself to overseas charity work but as time has passed, the thought of not having a partner and more children has become a heavier weight.

 

It does not scare me...ok maybe a little....to be single forever. I can see the perks clearly but the longer I am single and the stronger I become emotionally, the further away I feel from being female. Does that make sense?

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custardtart

That does make sense. Is it about not feeling female, or not feeling cherished?

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~♥~Mia~♥~
Is it about not feeling female, or not feeling cherished?

 

I have never felt cherished so I doubt it is that. The more independent I become, the more skills I acquire the further away from being female.

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HRH Countrymel

I must have been raised in a different tradition but I was under the understanding that you don't pray for what you want for yourself?

 

Are you sure you aren't getting a 'No - stop asking for things" ?

 

I was lonely for many years but I never thought it was my deity's problem....

 

 

 

 

I'm NOT trying to be rude or disrespectful here either. Please don't take it that way.

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custardtart

In my understanding, Countrymel, prayer isn't a wishlist, it's a dialogue. There's nothing wrong in expressing your heart's desire to God and asking about it. I'm surprised to hear the perspective that you shouldn't ask for things for yourself - I guess I can see where the selfless part comes in, but it sounds a bit legalistic and odd to me.

Of course, I naturally pray much more for others than I do for myself - as far as prayers for myself go, it's more about the desire to understand what God wants me to do more clearly than asking for specific things, but I don't see anything theologically wrong in asking God for blessings.

 

Mia, the more you reveal, the more I'm beginning to wonder... you've never felt cherished? All the more reason to explore God's love for you and understand the true nature of that before looking for the more limited version that a husband could offer. I've known God for 13 years now, and it's only this year that I am truly beginning to understand just how beautiful He thinks I am, and how much He trusts and loves me.

 

We've been doing a series at church on healing emotional wounds caused through experiences in childhood or as we grew, on understanding the nature of love and growing past the hurts in our hearts. On forgiving parents who left emotional scars, on moving past broken relationships. If you are interested, you can download it here, it's called "healing the wounded heart". It's all about love and being loved.

- URL removed, PM me for details -

I don't know if it's what you need right now, but it's one of the most insightful and healing series I've ever heard.

Edited by custardtart

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Guest Chad~Viki~Seed

It depends what the No is in response for. If I asked if there where anymore children waiting for me and the answer was no, I'd accept that. If it was about a job, I'd accept that, however...

 

I want to know how to accept no and not feel like I am missing out on one life's greatest pleasures. I used to be ok with it but in the past couple of months, the feeling of "Its ok to be single" has vanished.

 

I know there are different Christian faiths in here and a lot of us believe slightly different things, but from what I have been taught and beleive I don't think *I* would think NO applies to finding a spouse. Considering the importance I beleive God places on marriage, I would not accept that it was never going to happen and would spend my entire life still hoping it would.

 

So keep praying. God says to bring everything to him and then leave it with Him.

 

Prayer is important, having faith and trust in God is important, but I don't believe we are suppose to just hand over our lives and expect him to do everything for us. I've always beleived it's more of a 'I'll help you, help yourself' kind of relationship. Using this example, you can't just expect to sit at home and then one day your DH will just appear because you where just meant to be together. You have to go out there and find him. How he helps is by letting you know after you have found him he's the one, and maybe once your out there he'll point you in the right direction ;). I'm sure he has a helping hand in it, but we have to do our part too.

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Datrys

Mia,

 

This question was enough to make me become a member so I could reply...First, I really do think it's okay to ask God for things for ourselves (I mean, even Jesus did that)!

 

But I do also sometimes think he gives an unequivocal "no" - I've certainly experienced that, in circumstances where you would think he would have every reason to want to say yes. And I know enough fulfilled monastics to know that God has different plans for different people; not everyone's meant for married life.

 

I also wonder what it is you think it means to be a woman - your comment about having skills and being independent not seeming female really concerned me. I'd be concerned at any model of femininity that implied dependence or being unskilled - that's not even the picture I get out of Proverbs 31!

 

What I wonder is, whether perhaps living with others in another way might be helpful to you? Have you thought about a shared community house of some sort?

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Swisscake

Mia, I take it your a young single girl with a desire for a partner - in hope of marriage one day? Your desires are so healthy and perfect and God placed them there. Maybe your prayers have been answered as being "wait"

This happened for me. I was very long time being single.I only dated about two guys in my life and they were not very long relationships.

The desire was always on my heart. I couldn't let it go....

But then One day I just surrendered it to the Lord....and HIs will for my life.

 

I didn't seek a man and just continued to worship/praise God.

 

Then one day the Lord brought a man into my life and I have been very happilly married now for a long time.

I was 33 when I got married but that was OK because God was preparing me for this marriage.

And He may be doing the same for you.

I don't know your age either.

Hang in there. Keep trusting in God - He will bless you with the DESIRES of your heart

 

And I truly understand about waiting.........

hugs.

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~♥~Mia~♥~
I must have been raised in a different tradition but I was under the understanding that you don't pray for what you want for yourself?

 

Are you sure you aren't getting a 'No - stop asking for things" ?

 

I was lonely for many years but I never thought it was my deity's problem....

 

I think you were raised in a different tradition CountryMel. Custardtart expressed it beautifully. Sharing your hearts desires with the Lord is not a bad thing. I would not be praying for lotto numbers or ill-will towards another human being. I also pray for others. I would not consider a husband a "thing" but it is always possible the answer is no stop asking. In Matthew, Jesus talks about sharing burdens. Now this does not say that we are going to get what we want but it does mention sharing the load and providing relief for the soul.

 

Looking forward to your post Freakypet. They are always insightful. Thank you

 

I know there are different Christian faiths in here and a lot of us believe slightly different things, but from what I have been taught and beleive I don't think *I* would think NO applies to finding a spouse. Considering the importance I beleive God places on marriage, I would not accept that it was never going to happen and would spend my entire life still hoping it would.

 

CVS - this is what I struggle with too. I no longer have the faith I did as a child, I acknowledge that, but some beliefs from that era still exist. I have tried everything I can think of to accept that marriage is not an option for me....yet hope remains and it hurts. I have been married before. It was a mistake. I think God sent me my ex because he is what I prayed for thinking it would make me happy. But it did not. I have some beautiful children out of the relationship. It has taken me 7 years to get to the point where I have finally been forgiven for marrying the wrong person.

 

Prayer is important, having faith and trust in God is important, but I don't believe we are suppose to just hand over our lives and expect him to do everything for us. I've always beleived it's more of a 'I'll help you, help yourself' kind of relationship. Using this example, you can't just expect to sit at home and then one day your DH will just appear because you where just meant to be together. You have to go out there and find him. How he helps is by letting you know after you have found him he's the one, and maybe once your out there he'll point you in the right direction wink.gif. I'm sure he has a helping hand in it, but we have to do our part too.

 

Absolutely! Even if he did come knock on my door, I would not answer because I am so over door-to-door sales people :rofl:

 

But I do also sometimes think he gives an unequivocal "no" - I've certainly experienced that, in circumstances where you would think he would have every reason to want to say yes. And I know enough fulfilled monastics to know that God has different plans for different people; not everyone's meant for married life.

 

Welcome to EB! I wish I could be fulfilled like the monks but I am not. I do plan to devote my later years of life to the service of others. I am just starting out on that journey now but I do not see myself ever joining the sisterhood.

Mia, I take it your a young single girl with a desire for a partner - in hope of marriage one day? Your desires are so healthy and perfect and God placed them there. Maybe your prayers have been answered as being "wait"

 

Sadly no Swisscake, I am in my mid 30s. Not exactly old but no spring chicken either. Waiting is only good for so long. My biological clock is almost wound down. I would love another child but it would not be a deal breaker for me. I am thrilled your heart's desire was fulfilled.

 

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Datrys

Mia,

 

No, I didn't mean God's will for you might be the monastic life :o That was just an example of some of the diversity of things that can be held in his will. When I said living in community I meant just that; maybe able to share a house with someone (or several) who could be a prayer partner and a companion and stuff; it's not the same as marriage, but it's different from being on your own. I have a friend with much the same question as you, who moved in with friends this year instead of being on her own, and found it very helpful in coping with the lonely times and that kind of thing. It came to mind because you asked about how people cope in that caught place between having the answer and not being happy with it.

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~♥~Mia~♥~
Focus on Now. Understand that God has a plan. One that He has written and devised just for YOU and YOU ALONE. He knows what your hearts desires are. Open yourself to His will. I truly believe that God has a very special plan in mind for you, but that at the moment, you are not ready. I hope this doesn't come across as anything other than the positive loving way I am trying to say this - (a feeling I HAVE to say this IYKWIM, I was thinking of PMing it to you, but I got the feeling God wanted me to share on the boards) I think that God is trying to lead you somewhere, but that you are refusing to listen or understand, or can't hear because you are stressing about this and other things. Let go, give it to Him and let Him lead you.

 

That is very possible. I do not think it is refusing to listen, after all I am hearing no, but yep, I could be missing the point entirely. It is hard for me to let go but it is something I can work on.

 

How could you be offensive? Not possible. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

 

ETA - I was reading this after I posted it, and realised God meant this for me as well! Sometimes He can be a cheeky bugger!!

 

LOL hate that when it happens :rofl:

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DrK

Hi Mia,

 

My heart goes out to you. I felt a little abandoned before I met DH. I had a boyfriend for a year when I was 21 and then nothing. I didn't meet anyone that was worth a third date. The first few years people would tell me that I'd meet Mr Right when I stopped looking, or that it "will happen soon" etc. Then after about 7 years of no boyfriends they started to ask me if maybe there was something wrong with me - ouch!

 

Then I turned 30 and walked into a meeting at work. My new boss introduced me to a man I would now be working with. I left the meeting and my boss turned to this man and said "There goes the woman you're going to marry". And he was right. Little did I know that only a few months before, DH had prayed (for the first time) for a wife. Within three weeks we were a couple. We're now married and TTC number 1.

 

I tell that story and it sounds sweet, but what I don't often say is that in the year before I met DH I was in a very dark place. I had given up hope of finding a husband and had almost stopped talking to God.

 

I'm praying that through this difficult time (and I can imagine it's harder for you than me as I hadn't been through a divorce) you keep talking to God and don't give up hope that your life will be fulfilled. God created you with a purpose (and he put desires in your heart) and he will fulfill them. It's just so hard when we don't know what His timetable is.

 

(Freakypet - I'm also discovering that I may be giving myself some advice too. I am being very impatient with TTC. I'm at the end of the TWW with BFNs and no AF in sight).

 

Bless you heaps!

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MyBlessedAngel
I must have been raised in a different tradition but I was under the understanding that you don't pray for what you want for yourself?

 

Not knowing what religion you are, are you familiar with the Lord's Prayer?

 

Our Father, who art in heaven,Hallowed be thy Name.Thy kingdom come.Thy will be done,On earth as it is in heaven.Give us this day our daily bread.And forgive us our trespasses,As we forgive those who trespass against us.And lead us not into temptation,But deliver us from evil.[For thine is the kingdom,and the power, and the glory,for ever and ever.]Amen.

We can ask heavenly father for anything we want or need. The important thing is that we must submit to his will. He only know what is good for us and what we need. If what he gives us is what we asked for, then that is a bonus.

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Datrys

Here's where it all began for me; my very first EB post!

EB - even/especially the religion section - was very different back then.

Sad to see that FreakyPet's posts seem to be gone; she contributed a lot around this time.

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