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Sammie4

Your opinions really needed!!

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Sammie4

I would love as many opinions as possible to this pretty please!!

 

I think I have found quite a few links to my eldest sons behaviour and attitude to another child at school. DS1 has always befriended the 'odd' ones and the type of children you just don't want your kids to hang out with. We moved schools (well this is one reason why we did) to give him a fresh start with nicer kids etc, but again he has latched onto a bunch of kids - most of them are ok, but one in particular is any parents worst nightmare. His attitude is the worst, he is totally disrepectful to any adult, and I don't have many nice things to say about his parents from what I can see. I know I shouldn't judge, but he always has a few days off school whenever he gets into trouble and he says it's because his mum allows this so he can avoid punishment. His mum is NEVER seen anywhere, and he seriously is always in trouble.

 

My DS1 has an attitude that I described in another thread

http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/CFForum/vi...48&Topic=167516

 

And it appears pieces of the puzzle are coming together. The derogatory way my son speaks to others I have found out is exactly like this other child, and so many of his behaviours he is picking up from this child. DS1 got into serious trouble last week for experimenting with various 'searches' on the internet and who else is leading the pack....this other child.

 

Now, I do take responsibilty for my son, and one of his biggest faults I can see is how he befriends these children and if it wasn't this child, it'd be the next one down the line IYKWIM. But I have had enough and really want to stop this friendship. I have never encouraged it, and have never allowed any visits or calls to each others places etc. But this leads onto my next problem (please keep reading, I'm nearly done)

 

When I was a kid my mother 'banned' me from my best friend at the time and basically I hated her for it (and many other things she did but that's beside the point). And I found ways around it and just lied to her constantly. I even had my best friend over for plays when I was about 14 yrs old and hid her in the cupboard when my mum came into my bedroom! :8o: We rarely got caught and I really didn't care anyway, I refused to allow my mother to dictate who I could become friends with. (BTW, my bf was not like my mother thought)

 

So, what do I do? I don't want to repeat history and ban him from this child, yet I can't see how this friendship can go on. Do other parents ban their children from others? I have tried to encourage him to make other friends, to no avail. I am ready to talk to the principal and see what he thinks.

 

And underneath all this, even though part of me can't stand this kid, I don't want to damage him by letting it be said my son can't play with him. More than likely this child has probs at home or something to make him like he is, and that would just compound it really. But I really can see this destroying my oldest DS! He obviously has tendencies toward this behaviour and attitude, but I know without this bad influence, we could get a handle on it.

 

Anyway, if you are still with me THANK YOU for reading! And Please, I am begging for some answers. I need to know what to do, what the right thing to do is before this gets much bigger. I have a very bad feeling about it all..........

 

4 beautiful children & 1 wonderful husband & me

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:)mum

Hi,

Don't know if I can advise you, as my oldest is 10 and I've never been in this situation, but thought I would reply because there have been no other offers....I agree with what you say about forbidding your son to see him.

Have you tried getting your son involved in an out of school activity like soccer,karate etc that you know this child is not involved in, but perhaps some others( that you would like him to associate with) from school are? Try and encourage friendships that you are ok with.

Another option that I have heard from others in the past is to befriend this child and help him where you can( and perhaps where his parents aren't) and in turn this will help your son.

Like I said, I don't know if this will help. It must be a difficult time for your family and I wish you all the best.

I hope that someone will give you the advice that you are looking for!

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Sambambino

I saw this Friday and didn't reply as I didn't know what advice to give. I think this is something you should talk to a professional about. Perhaps a counsellor or teacher at school?

 

It is a hard situation to be in and I wish I could give you an answer but I can't think of anything that will be of benefit all around.

 

Sammie

DH Michael

DS Jacob 9

<center><font face="verdana,arial,sans-serif" </font><br /><a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://lilypie.com/days/050804/4/0/0/+10" alt="Lilypie Baby Ticker" border="0" /></a></center>

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Sammie4

Thanks for your replies. Am having a shocking day today, so will be brief.

 

I think your suggestions to have this child over and perhaps 'give him a chance' so to speak may be worth a try. As much as I can't stand him, and blame him for a lot of my sons behaviour and attitudes, I should 'give him a chance'. When I see him at the school, I can read it in his eyes (him looking nastily at me though) and he knows I don't like him, which isn't fair no matter what his background is. He is a child, no matter what, and surely just one playover shouldn't do any harm. Will see what DS1 thinks. I won't let him know 'why' he could invite this child over, but will try and also make sure DH is home to get his take on it.

 

Thanks again, will go back to my horrid day...sigh....it's nearly over....

 

4 beautiful children & 1 wonderful husband & me

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nyrrek
He obviously has tendencies toward this behaviour and attitude,

Hi, first of all I wanted to say that the words above are proof that you are a very realistic and open minded Mum! So many parents insist that their child has no fault and is lead by others, but this is not always the case. It is great that you acknowledge your son's tendencies first. I have had similar problems with my eldest son. Not so much in reflected behaviour, but in the intrinsic attraction he seems to have to 'difficult' kids. I have always had his friends over to play, as I like to see how he interacts with others and have an eye on them! . I think that while they are here and supervised by me, the other child is learning the dynamic of playing well, and respectfully. After all, it's my house and my rules ;p Maybe you could use it a bit of a teaching tool for them both. I really want to emphasise that we never know what is happening in another person's life. This child could be exposed to all sorts of negativity at home, or have parents with any number of problems that you may never know about. I always keep this in mind before judging a child, as they are so often a product of something much deeper. It sounds like you suspect this sort of thing. I would also try to have a word with his teacher and see if she/he can keep a bit of an eye on the situation at school. It is not their responsibilty to police friendships, but if you express your concern they may monitor things a bit. I hope your situation works out. Keep us informed. :)

 

Domestic Goddess Mum Of Four

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Sammie4

Thanks Nyrrek. I am trying to be as realistic as possible, and more and more I am wondering if DS1 is going to be like this no matter who his friends are. :(

 

I still hate seeing him with these boys, and it hurts to know there are aspects to my sons personality I detest, but I guess all i can do is keep trying. I have an appointment with his teacher sometime in the next week or so, and wrote on the note I had some things I needed to discuss with her. I'll just have to stay on top of it and pull him up every time he speaks like that, and keep trying to instill in him some sense of 'family'.

 

I also wonder if this is just teenage-hood as he is growing hair in 'odd' places already, turns 11 in June, and seems very interested in girls in a serious way.

 

This other boy I dislike told DS1 all about sex and even oral sex last year. :mad:

 

4 beautiful children & 1 wonderful husband & me

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Island-Kylie

I'd agree that banning is not the way to go. Inviting him over is a good idea, but be prepared to see behaviours you don't like or approve of. If they do occur, just let the child know that that type of behaviour is not acceptable in you house, and while you are happy to have him there (yes, lie if you have to!!)you will not accept the behaviour. Make sure you emphasis it's the behaviour you don't like, not the child.

Is your child in the same class as this other child? If so, it may be worth requesting that they are split next year. There is not much of a chance of getting a move this year, especially without raising the suspicion of your child. Talking to the teacher is essential, but don't expect her/him to be able to work miracles!

Most importantly, keep the lines of communication to your child open. Let him tell you things and as hard as it may be don't judge them. Keep teaching him the values and morals you hold dear and believe if this friendship really is counter productive, he will work it out of his own accord.

Good luck!!

(Just so you know, this is all from the POV of a teacher, rather than the mother of a school aged child!)

 

Kylie Purdie<BR>Mum to Luke 19/4/02<P>

 

<a href="http://www.tickercentral.com"><img border="0" src="http://www.tickercentral.com/view/2o31/2"></a>

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nyrrek

That's great advice Kylie. I requested a split

from a child my son had constant run-ins with in year

3 and it was a great move. Even though they were able

to play at lunch time, they weren't in each other's

faces all day and working off each other. It was as

much my son's fault as the other little guy, so it was

good for both of them.

Sammie, the hormonal thing sounds very much like a

factor to me. He must be feelong quite odd, too, I

guess. Yikes, my son is ten next week and so young for

his age in many ways, especially physically. Maybe we

will have this to look forward to a little later if he

stays this way!

 

Domestic Goddess Mum Of Four

 

This message was edited by nyrrek on Saturday, 28 May 2005 @ 4:53 PM

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