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dooner

In 2 minds about pregnancy...

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dooner

Hi All

I'm aware the forums are closing very soon, I've looked over at EveryBump but don't see a place for this type of post. so I'll try my luck here and see if I get any responses.

I've just turned 40 and have been with my partner for 1 year.  Found out nearly 2 weeks ago I'm pregnant.  This is unplanned.  Partner and I both said when we met that we didn't want kids.   He has none.  I have 1x17 yo.  I must say that although I love my son, it was a really hard slog.  I did not stay with his dad and was a single parent, put myself through university, started working, always shiftwork, met the man I went on to marry, we were together for 12 years, we had 1 ectopic pregnancy we lost and did not try again.  We had plenty of ups and downs, my mum lived with us for 2 years before dying from brain cancer and we always had my ex partner in the background often being difficult and causing a lot of stress.  I could not take the stress of it all anymore.  Husband and I  have been seperated for about 3 years now, but stll friends, which I'm grateful for.

Current partner's feelings are unchanged and he still does not want to have children.  I felt very positive when I found out I was pregnant and had many thoughts about what it could look like to be in a family situation where there is 2 partners that love each other.  I love my partner and it's that feeling that makes me wonder about going ahead with it.  He has said he loves me and if I really want to go ahead with it we will have to find a way to make it work, but he would only be doing it for me.  

I'm scared of going ahead with it and regretting it, as I found it really hard the first time around.  I said I would never have more children! I'm just at a point where I have a lot of freedom now with a grown child.  Why would I start again?  And what if my partner does not really warm up to life with a child and I find myself on my own again.  I've been totally financially responsible for my son too, as his dad hasn't worked for years and years.  Hard going.

My head and logic says NO WAY, TOO RISKY

And I feel like I can't get back in touch with my Heart because of (likely my fears from my past) and maybe partly my partner's underwhelming reaction.  I did feel positive and excited initailly .  Now I'm just full of doubts.  I feel very very stupid that I've got myself in this position and have to make such a massive decision.

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Silverstreak

Well, it sounds as though you want to have the baby and your partner has said that if you want to, you'll both find a way to make it work. So in that case, I'd be leaning towards going ahead with the pregnancy and accepting an element of risk. Good luck and all the best with whatever you decide.

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Freddie'sMum

Please don't feel stupid OP - it happens to a lot of women.  If I was in your shoes I would be thinking that the worse case scenario is that you have the baby but your current partner doesn't help / walks out.  So you would be a single parent again.  Do you want that ?  That would be the deciding factor for *me*.  Best wishes with whatever decision you make.  

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Winter frost

Oh big hugs. Dont feel stupid.

Perhaps it might help if you have a chat to a counsellor to help organise your thoughts

Also agree with pp think about how you would feel about being a single parent. I dont wish to cause friction but if his heart isnt in it i think there is a bit of a risk that a few years down the track it may be you relying on yourself again.

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kerilyntaryn

I agree with silverstreak, I say go ahead and wish you all the best 

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literally nobody

I also agree with go ahead. This could really work. I think once your partner sees the baby there’s no denying how much you fall in love with them. 

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Tiara15

That's a tough one but I agree with Winter Frost, it would be a good idea to see a counsellor to organise your thoughts and get back in touch with what your heart wants.

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Charli73

At 40 I’d and with partner willing to support I’d say do it... I’m 46 and wish I had another.. 

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dooner

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read my post and reply. I have been speaking with a social worker and will continue with that, she's been very good. I'm only 8 weeks along. I appreciate the different views on my situation. 

Edited by dooner
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PuddingPlease

I wouldn't either, I don't think you should ever feel stupid but I wouldn't have another child with an ambivalent partner and a teenage child, it's hard enough when everybody is well and truly on-board. 

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MadMarchMasterchef

Devils advocate,  it may be a bit easier this time around if you dont have uni to factor in and a bit more money behind you.   But that alone doesnt mean its the right decision.  You have a bit more time to think about it.  I guess you have to consider all the possibilities like what if you get sick, what if your child gets sick etc and think about what you would do.  

 

Also, re: being an older mum, Im 43 and have a 1 year old.    No problem and no regrets, so far.   I mean, Im tired, but I work and I have 3 kids so Id be tired if I was 25. 

Edited by MadMarchMasterchef

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foxbread

I'd do it on that basis, but I'm not you... I had my first 13 years ago and now trying for another. Not only is my life quite different from 13 years ago, I'm different. What ever it'll be, it won't be the same as it was then.

Bit worried about how I'll go physically, but I'm also more mature, calm and financially comfortable, and maybe I'll manage the baby stage differently too, knowing that it's closing the door on that part of my life forever. 

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Amica

I had one at 40 with a large gap in between kids. Very difficult pregnancy, and quite unwanted. I looked into termination and adoption (tip, practically impossible in Qld to adopt out a baby. I was told NO!) I was so angry and so resentful. That child is now the light of my life. It scares me how close I came to termination. Especially with my DH preferring that option as well. I often look at my child with such guilt because I love them so so deeply. Deeper than I think I felt for any of my others. My DH adores them too. 

Starting again at 40 was hard but now I wouldn't have it any other way. Honestly though, if I had terminated, I would never know or understand what I have now and probably would be typing here saying how happy I was with my decision to terminate at 40.... so going ahead or terminating may both turn out to be the right decision?.

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WaitForMe
2 hours ago, PuddingPlease said:

I wouldn't either, I don't think you should ever feel stupid but I wouldn't have another child with an ambivalent partner and a teenage child, it's hard enough when everybody is well and truly on-board. 

Same.

I don't think I'd be too optimistic about the dad sticking around when things get real. Especially when you've only been together a year. I think you need to prepare yourself to be raising this child alone.

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blueskies12

I would also keep going to counselling to see what your heart truly wants. I would do what is best for you. Only you will know that. I would factor it in the chance of being alone and raising them(I have also factored it in my life even though I am married when deciding upon more/no more children). This of course might not happen but I think shows whether you really want another one. Either way you go we will be here for you and whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

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littleboysmum

You need to speak to a psychologist who specialises in women’s health/ maternity. As someone whose marriage was completely and very rapidly destroyed and is now a very sudden single mother of three I wouldn’t take the risk. Forced single parenting is extremely challenging. On the other hand, he may walk away anyway and it may not work out regardless.

 

hiw would you feel if he walked out anyway? Would you regret not taking this last shot at having a baby. It would you feel relieved that you didn’t have a baby on top of it?

In not saying he will walk away, I have absolutely no way of knowing but I just thought it might be something you can consider. The best thing you can do is talk to someone who can help you wade through these complicated and heavy choices and your emotions. Much better to do that now then to live with regret one way or the other later.

I really  feel for you OP. It’s a very hard spot you’re in and I wish he had been happy about your news and this could’ve been different for you. 

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PandoBox
6 hours ago, Silverstreak said:

Well, it sounds as though you want to have the baby and your partner has said that if you want to, you'll both find a way to make it work. So in that case, I'd be leaning towards going ahead with the pregnancy and accepting an element of risk. Good luck and all the best with whatever you decide.

This.

Also.. nobody ever really regrets their kids (see what Amica wrote). Maybe things will work out with your partner and he will be a great dad and maybe it won't..but your unconditional love for the kid will always be there and make your heart swell. Do it if you can afford the worst case scenario (being a single parent again)

Edited by PandoBox

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~Jolly_F~
2 minutes ago, PandoBox said:

This.

Also.. nobody ever really regrets their kids (see what Amica wrote). Maybe things will work out with your partner and he will be a great dad and maybe it won't..but your unconditional love for the kid will always be there and make your heart swell. Do it if you can afford the worst case scenario (being a single parent again)

People regret their kids all the time - they really do. I know people want to believe it for their own reasons but I wish people wouldn’t say it. 

It’s a tough decision OP, one that only you can make really. You have some time (not a lot but some), use it, consider all the options. 

Best of luck with whatever you decide. 

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amdirel
6 minutes ago, PandoBox said:



Also.. nobody ever really regrets their kids

..but your unconditional love for the kid will always be there and make your heart swell. 

Sorry... but this is really not true.

I really get irritated by this "love is all you need" type fluff. You need a lot of other things to have a happy healthy family, not just love. 

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PuddingPlease
10 hours ago, PandoBox said:


Also.. nobody ever really regrets their kids (see what Amica wrote). Maybe things will work out with your partner and he will be a great dad and maybe it won't..but your unconditional love for the kid will always be there and make your heart swell. Do it if you can afford the worst case scenario (being a single parent again)

If the OP had no other children then I might see your point in light of the fact that she seems keen but the OP already has a teenage son. 

If I am understanding the situation correctly, she would be scheduled to give birth halfway through his final year of secondary school which sounds fairly intense and potentially detrimental, particularly if there is some doubt about her partners commitment to the family unit.

None of that is meant to suggest that the OP should make any particular decision but your comment feels a bit flippant to me because it ignores the impact of a new baby on existing relationships.    

Edited by PuddingPlease
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Jenflea

Kids are regretted all the damn time! For any number of reasons, be they financial, maternal age, marital status(or how solid the relationship is )or if the parents just plain don't WANT another child.

  And no, not every mother will be full of unconditional love for their child, if they were, we wouldn't have so many abused and abandoned children. 

 

OP, you've shown that you CAN be a single mum, you can study and work and bring up a child to adulthood(or nearly!) so you know you CAN do it, only you can say if you want to do it all over again, older, but with experience(and I'm assuming a job) behind you. 

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dooner

Thanks for more replies.  We've had another chat tonight about the situation and he has reiterated that his actual feeling is unchanged and that he does not want the baby. Said clearly, not emotional.  

I'll keep working through it.  The decision is really 1)parent on my own or 2)don't go ahead with it.

Thanks again for your replies.

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Kiwi Bicycle

The two cases I have seen with friends and family where it has been a first time older father have not ended well, both walked away from their families. They do find it very hard to adjust.

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CrankyM
13 hours ago, PandoBox said:

Also.. nobody ever really regrets their kids (see what Amica wrote).

Um yes they do. I actually hate hate hate hate hate this saying. It's completely wrong. There are threads on EB that quiet clearly state that their are parents who regret children. You can love you child completely and totally and also regret having that child/children. You can also not necessarily love that child, or resent them and regret them. Love isn't everything. But no one is allowed to say that they regret becoming a parent. It's on eof those ridiculous taboos.

OP I think you need to talk with a health professional and work out what is best for you. You might regret either decision. You might not. But do think about the fact that will your relationship stand up either way? He has said he doesn't want children, and really that's perfectly okay. But if you have a termination will you resent him for this? If you keep the child, will he resent you or will you regret it. It's complex. You might end up a single parent again, but it actually might be *easier* this time as you have experience. The child might be easier in personality (I'm told this is possible and some kids are easier). I wish you all the luck going forward.

 

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blueskies12

OP, that must be a lot to process. When he said he didn't want a child, what did you think immediately in your mind? Did you think "Oh, but I do..." or did you think "I can see your point..." Maybe your heart keeps going to a certain thought. Definitely chat to professionals in this field.

 

I really get annoyed about that line: you never regret the children you have. Again, it's another ticket to shaming mothers. Do men say this to each other?? Just puts us women in boxes and tells us that we should be the never ending baby making machines, giving up our bodies and putting the children above us at all times.

 

 

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