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AnaBeavenhauser

Argh 13 yo daughter

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AnaBeavenhauser

I feel so frustrated with my 13yo daughter.  

She uses excessive everything, like more is better always. For example, I now hide my expensive shampoo and conditioner and hair treatments and I purchased her the cheaper products due to the amount she uses, despite me trying educate her on the recommended portions to use for years. Even then she finds my hidden products and uses them, for example in one shower she has used a whole 400ml tub of hair treatment in one go and to add insult to injury she has made and absolute mess of the bathroom with the wastage up the walls (outside the shower area) Gluttonous, excessive and wasteful. I have spoken her until I am blue in the face about these things. I just yelled at her out of utter frustration but she just looks at me like I am totally unreasonable. 

She is similar with food,  waiting until i am i the shower to sneak food, like chocolate, which I don't deny my kids having but prefer they ask first. her 12yo brother doesn't have a problem with asking and receiving.

Is this normal 13yo and does anyone have similar situation they can share positive outcomes with me as I am losing my mind!!!

 

 

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born.a.girl

I think it's normal for teenagers to completely and utterly lack perspective. 

What the solution is for you, I'm sorry, I'm not sure.

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Silverstreak

Hang in there, this was me a bit when I was a pre teen and teen. I was fascinated by "grown up" products and used to try on Mum's lipstick and jewellery, plus probably used too much shampoo and face products experimenting. I had little concept of what things cost.

Now in my 40s I am much better, although sometimes I forget I've had a haircut and need less shampoo.

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VigilantePaladin

Nope. Not unusual. I've just told my 19yr old that if she doesn't clean up her room and get rid of the empty cruiser bottles that have been there for weeks then this weekend will be the last that her boyfriend will be allowed to stay. I'm sick of having to threaten restrictions to get her to behave decently.

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literally nobody

Op I think if you emptied the expensive shampoo into the cheap bottles and vice versa she wouldn’t suspect a thing. Id also hide my good stuff under my mattress knowing me. lol. 

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Freddie'sMum

Does she know the cost of the expensive shampoo / conditioner / make up ?  If not, tell her how much they cost.  Then tell her she can pay for the next bottle of shampoo / conditioner / make up.  I swear the reason we have toddlers first - and then after a while they become teenagers - is to remind us that as self centred and 'me, me, me' that most toddlers are like - is just a taste of what is to come when you have teenagers who are self centred and 'me, me, me'.

 

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Lifesgood

Yes my 14 y/o DD was incredibly wasteful, messy, disrespectful, ungrateful, disobedient, surly, lazy, a procrastinator - I could go on and on. I think her brain is scrambled and she was deeply unhappy and confused and this was driving much of her behaviour. We have recently turned a very big corner with her though - due to medication for anxiety and depression. She still exhibits some poor behaviours but is so much more reasonable.

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F.E.B.E

Told my kids teen/tween off today for going through a massive 1 litre pump bottle of shampoo in about a month. The same amount would last me a year. They only wash their hair a couple of times a week too! Both have denied using more than the recommended amount. I don't know. I guess you could saying anything above basic supplies needs to come out of pocket money?

Edited by F.E.B.E
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Soontobegran

I don't know if it is helpful but even though it has been 20 years since I have had a 13 year old daughter I did have 4 of them not too much more than a year apart and your daughter really sounds completely but frustratingly normal to me.

I honestly had no idea how I'd survive those years but here we are and they are all great women...none of them with 13 year old daughters yet but I am looking forward to it. :)

Lots of good luck to you.

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DogsLife

I have two teen daughters in this house and this is not normal in my house.  I would be furious if either of mine did that.  They may go and find my good shampoo/conditioner and use it but even as teenagers they would use the normal amount and put it back hoping they weren't caught!!  But to use a whole 400ml tub of hair treatment and put it all over the bathroom to me sounds like she is looking for attention and get a rise out of you.

When my youngest use to use too much conditioner I told her that is why her hair looked greasy as she was using too much and not rinsing it out properly.  Her hair must look pretty terrible after using that amount of product.

My eldest would be paying me the money for the cost of the treatment as she has a job and the youngest it would come out of her allowance.   

Good luck, fun times!!

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Jenflea

DD is only 10 but it's not normal in my experience.  Neither I nor my sister would have done anything like that. 

And 13 is well old enough to understand about other peoples stuff and the cost of things.  I'd be making her pay for everything she's wasted of yours and giving her a set amount of her own stuff to use, once it's gone she has to wait till you buy more. 

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Luci

I have a 13 year old and 15 year old so OP you have my sympathies. Teenagers can be pretty wasteful with things and it can be infuriating. 

But I agree with some of the PP's that a 13 year old is well able to understand about not using other peoples things and also the cost of buying stuff.  If my kids were clearly told not to touch my toiletries and they then went and wasted them all they would be paying for replacements.   

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Prancer is coming

My 14yo does not do this.  She has plenty of other challenging teen behaviour though!  I buy her her own special stuff, so not sure if this is part of her not taking my stuff.  She does like experimenting with my make up and jewellery.  Often she does not put it back and she has damaged/wasted/taken my make up in her experimentation.

 

would getting her her own stuff help with not taking yours?  My DD has blonde hair so we specifically buy the blonde shampoo just for her - plenty of options in cheaper brands. She tends to have her fave brands or sometimes we try something different.  She likes it being hers and suited to her.  Not sure what you do around the waste.  And if your teen is like mine they know everything and are not interested in discussing anything let alone taking feedback in board.

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blackcat20

Based on this thread, my DD is going to be sorely disappointed when she hits her teens. I don't use fancy hair products or wear make up :ninja:

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123Tree

I do not have a teenager but here is my suggestion.

You know how you can buy those little containers that you use in your toilet bag on holiday so you don't take big bottles.  Like this

Perhaps you could fill them up on a weekly basis so she is forced to use the normal amount.  The cost would really blow us out of the water in this house. I understand your frustration about the waste too.

Another option is to talk to her about the cost to the environment with excess petrochemicals going down the drain.

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literally nobody

Op Im not suggesting you do this but if I were in that situation id fight fire with fire knowing me. She wastes something of yours, Id get rid of something of hers that she likes to use and so on. 
 

Or id seriously put a deadlock on my door and she can try get in all she likes. 

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lucky 2

I think its ok to ration the product if you want, a generous ration, not the ridiculous amounts 

My 16yo has rounded the corner on that behaviour, thankfully.

Shampoo and conditioner bottles last a lot longer, she has a dry scalp and only certain, of course expensive, products dont make her itchy,  plus products for chlorine. My hair is much less fussy!

Things improved >15, I think she had less physical skills at 12-13 and her thought processes were lacking to think things through, like not being able to work out how much to use, either too much or too little, not all of her hair cleaned, not rinsed properly etc. Normal I  think.

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RichardParker

You can get shampoo in a bar now - like a bar of soap - it's very environmentally friendly.  Buy her that to use - she can buy different stuff with her own money if she wants - and get a little safe from Bunnings to put in your bathroom for your own stuff.  She's not listening to reason, so you just have to manage her like you would  toddler until she grows out of it. 

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CrankyM
3 hours ago, RichardParker said:

You can get shampoo in a bar now - like a bar of soap - it's very environmentally friendly.  Buy her that to use - she can buy different stuff with her own money if she wants

There are some really nice ones. And yes they do last longer as long as you are not silly with them (looking at you mr 10 and mr 12...). And environmentally friendly. The ones I used for ages also improved my scalp immensely. You can also get conditioning bars as well, though they are a bit different. These are the ones I buy: https://www.merakistudio.co.nz/category/179724 

Otherwise I'm no help. My kids go through soap like it's water. Nothing had helped stop it.

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BusbyWilkes

I get that it’s frustrating, particularly making a mess and leaving it. But in the scheme of parenting teens, I’d consider this a small issue. IME, sometimes taking a hard line of these sorts of issues can create bigger ones.
She seems quite impulsive and to not be thinking through consequences. This can be normal teenager behaviour (all that “pruning” of neural pathways!) but may also indicate ADHD if she is like this in other areas of her life.

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Jenflea

I don't think taking her mum's stuff that's been HIDDEN is a small thing. 

Maybe I expect too much of my kid, but she wouldn't think to use my stuff without asking and she certainly wouldn't waste it and spread it around the walls and she's 10!

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anatomicalheart

Several options here that might work for your family dynamic:

 

Until she can wash her hair "properly" it is "mum washed" which means Mum is outside the shower door and applies shampoo and conditioner in appropriate ratios.

Teenager is bought lovely, "expensive" products- in this house, it's Lush. When they've used said product it's ''house shampoo'' (similar to ''house wine ;) ) for the rest of determined period of time.

Child/teenager is given a roster of ''hair washing days'' each week. Dry shampoo applied as needed. 

 

As a whole, my children/teens do seem to do better with shampoos/conditioners/body wash that is in a pump pack, rather than a squeezy bottle.

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BusbyWilkes
2 hours ago, Jenflea said:

I don't think taking her mum's stuff that's been HIDDEN is a small thing. 

Maybe I expect too much of my kid, but she wouldn't think to use my stuff without asking and she certainly wouldn't waste it and spread it around the walls and she's 10!

Lots of kids are well behaved rule followers at 10. But then puberty/hormones/deliberately being obnoxious to get a rise turns them into .......teenagers who use too much shampoo! 
I have lots of interactions with lots of teenagers, and compared to the issues many are dealing with, excessive shampoo use is a small thing. 
OP, I get that it’s frustrating. There are lots of practical ideas up thread to try. Teens often do things that don’t make sense - sometimes you’ve just got to pick your battles. 

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Kreme

I have a 14 year old. She doesn’t use my things without asking but also I don’t spend a fortune on cosmetics so perhaps there isn’t a lot of temptation for her in the bathroom. Also I’ve told her that most of my stuff is for ageing ladies with dry skin/hair and not suitable for a teen. I buy her new things to try and ask for her preferences with skincare and shampoo.
 

This is my personal opinion but I find the word gluttonous to be a particularly nasty and aggressive term and it isn’t one I would be comfortable using with my teens, particularly around food consumption. Teenagers aren’t mini adults, there are actual neurological reasons why they behave the way they do. You can establish boundaries and consequences without creating a battlefield over every minor issue (and I do think this is minor in the scheme of things). You are in charge of your own responses so if this is driving you mad you have the option to reframe that response to something less dramatic and try a different tactic with your daughter. 

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