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José

DHs friend

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José

Ill delete later for privacy.

DH has a friend from his childhood.  DH now lives interstate from where he grew up. Friend lives in the same home town. Friend and DH keep in touch via phone and text msg mostly. They catch up when DH goes back.

Ive met the friend twice.

The friend messages me on Facebook.  DH doesn't have Facebook.  Sometimes it's messages like 'tell your DH xxx' or happy Birthday to your DS"

I tell DH about the messages and don't ever reply. My feeling is I dont have a friendship with this person. They are DHs friend. Many of DHs friends , eg from work, are people im not close to, not Facebook friends, don't message each other etc. Im 100% happy for DH and friend to be friends. 

Anyway recently this friend has been messaging asking why dont I like him. And that he doesn't know what he did to make me not like him. DHs dad is unwell and the friend messaged me along those lines again saying we need to be there for my DH. I feel like we can. And we don't need to be messaging each other to do so.

Do you think i continue to not reply? I cant think of anything helpful to say! WWYD?

Edited by José

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Bono25

To be honest, I can kinda see how they would feel like that if you never responded. How did it come that he could message you? If they communicate by text or send weird that he needs to contact you through Facebook as well. Maybe he's trying to get to know. Couldn't you just have said thanks, I'll pass it on. Especially if he wished you happy birthday and you just ignored it. That's hurtful. 

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José
3 minutes ago, Bono25 said:

How did it come that he could message you? 

I accepted his Facebook friend request.  He messages via Facebook messenger

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Ozquoll

This will sound very teenager-y, but does the friend have a crush on you? I can't imagine why else he would bother using Facebook to ask you to wish your DH happy birthday when he has your DH's phone number and could tell him directly 🤷

 

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laridae

Its kind of rude to not respond.  A quick, thanks, or I'll pass it on.  You don't have to be his friend, but politeness doesn't hurt!

My MIL normally goes through me for messages to DH. she's definitely got his number lol, just asks me as he's bad at checking for them!  So I get its annoying if its always happening and they can go direct.

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laridae
6 minutes ago, Ozquoll said:

This will sound very teenager-y, but does the friend have a crush on you? I can't imagine why else he would bother using Facebook to ask you to wish your DH happy birthday when he has your DH's phone number and could tell him directly 🤷

 

Hmm, I took that as wishing her a happy birthday.  Which one was it @José?

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**Manning**

So you accepted his friend request, so happy for him to see your wall and posts (that is if you post) yet won't acknowledge his message  Especially when they can see you have read the message. That is rude OP.

I can see why he's asked you. 

If I were you, I'd go back and apologise for not replying - forgot to oops, and say you'll pass it on to your DH etc.  if you ever see him in person, it will make it very awkward. 

 

 

Edited by **Manning**
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Ellie bean

I’d do a quick message, something like “so sorry I’ve been busy and don’t often check Facebook, I pass on your messages but might be best if you contact DH direct in future. No offence intended :) “

You’ve probably been a tiny bit unintentionally rude but geez he sounds needy! 
this is why I don’t have Facebook ;) 

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José
Just now, **Manning** said:

So you accepted his friend request, so happy for him to see your wall and posts (that is if you post) yet won't acknowledge his message and say you'll pass it on to your DH??   Especially when they can see you have read the message. That is rude OP.

I can see why he's asked you. 

If I were you, I'd go back and apologise for not replying - forgot to oops, etc.  if you ever see him in person, it will make it very awkward.

 

 

Ok.

So it sounds like I should not have accepted his friend request? 

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Silverstreak

I can see where both of you are coming from, to be honest. A lot of my Facebook friends are DH's friends, as DH refuses to use Facebook, but this way he's still in the loop. His friends send me messages to pass onto them and I usually reply with, "Thanks, will pass it on." 

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Silverstreak

Also, re Facebook, it is just so convenient that it's replaced the phone call in a lot of respects, so I wouldn't read too much into the friend not ringing your DH and preferring to message you. As for accepting his friend request, I don't think there's any right or wrong answer. There's no rule saying you have to, but I guess once you are Facebook "friends" there's an expectation that you will reply to messages. That said, you don't have to be the "conduit" for receiving your DH's messages unless you want to. 

I think your DH should probably ring his friend and work something out, if it's making you anxious.

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José
12 minutes ago, laridae said:

Hmm, I took that as wishing her a happy birthday.  Which one was it @José?

He will send messages like "tell your DH i miss him"

 

In the past he has probably sent a message "happy Birthday to your DS. Whom he has never met and whose name he always gets wrong.  

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José
27 minutes ago, Bono25 said:

Couldn't you just have said thanks, I'll pass it on. 

I've been trying not to encourage it! 

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Ellie bean
1 minute ago, José said:

He will send messages like "tell your DH i miss him"

 

In the past he has probably sent a message "happy Birthday to your DS. Whom he has never met and whose name he always gets wrong.  

I think he’s a bit odd. I’d politely shut it down.

i think ozquoll got it wrong, the crush is on your DH ;) 

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Bono25
5 minutes ago, José said:

I've been trying not to encourage it! 

Then you probably should have said something to him earlier... 

 

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José
4 minutes ago, Bono25 said:

Then you probably should have said something to him earlier... 

 

Can you suggest something that may have been helpful? Perhaps I can use it now...!

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archyandmehitabel
42 minutes ago, José said:

Anyway recently this friend has been messaging asking why dont I like him. And that he doesn't know what he did to make me not like him. DHs dad is unwell and the friend messaged me along those lines again saying we need to be there for my DH. I feel like we can. And we don't need to be messaging each other to do so.

Asking you why you don't like him is pushy and confrontational.  You don't have to be his friend on his terms. 

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Ruf~Feral~es

Cant' you just reply with "I'm sorry, I'm pretty bad at replying.  I do pass your messages on, but probably easier if you just contact DH direct"?

He sounds a bit needy, but if he sees you on FB responding or liking other people's posts and you ignore everything from him, I can also see why he might think you don't like him...... But yes, a bit OTT to send a 'why don't you like me' message.

I used to pass on messages for my DH before he was on FB, but I also engaged with his mates a bit - or DH would take my phone and respond himself.    It was never a big deal.  🤷‍♂️

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Kiwi Bicycle

I would just block him. He's not your friend and he knows how to contact your DH.  You don't have to be friends with everyone of DH's friends.

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Romeo Void

I guess friend sees your DH as almost family so by extension you too.  I don't think there's anything untoward about him messaging you, and he sounds hurt that you don't see him as part of the extended family that I think he's wanting for your DH and you.  Some people just like to make communities around themselves.

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**Manning**
22 hours ago, José said:

Ok.

So it sounds like I should not have accepted his friend request? 

No I'm not saying that.  You obviously felt comfortable enough with him to accept his friend request.  

But this is coming from some one who doesn't  accept all friend requests I've received.  If I don't know them that well or they don't know my life, family, etc, I won't accept.   That's just me. 

I think you have sent him mixed messages here.  On one hand, you have accepted his friend request and then ignore his private messages.  

I can kind of see why he's a little confused.

Edited by **Manning**
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steppy

Does DH have Facebook too? If he doesn't, tell him to get it and add his needy friend!

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steppy

I'd probably respond something like "Hi. I don't dislike you at all but I see us as acquaintances more than friends. You are DH's friend and I pass on your messages to him. I guess I've never seen any real need to reply as I've assumed your messages are for DH and that he has responded himself. I'm glad you want to be there for DH and of course I support that. DH has just opened a FB account so you can stay in touch more easily at this time. Thanks. :)"

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José
42 minutes ago, Romeo Void said:

I guess friend sees your DH as almost family so by extension you too. 

 

6 minutes ago, steppy said:

I'd probably respond something like "Hi. I don't dislike you at all but I see us as acquaintances more than friends. You are DH's friend and I pass on your messages to him. I guess I've never seen any real need to reply as I've assumed your messages are for DH and that he has responded himself. I'm glad you want to be there for DH and of course I support that. DH has just opened a FB account so you can stay in touch more easily at this time. Thanks. :)"

That's what I want to say steppy but I agree with the pp who said he thinks we are family so wonder if its too harsh?

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**Tiger*Filly**

Does your DH mention you frequently when he talks to his friend? Maybe his friend feels like he knows you because your DH talks about you, plus he sees your posts on Facebook. 

I have friends interstate who I chat to via Facebook, and some of them talk about their husbands quite a lot, plus of course post pics of them together, so over the years I feel like I’ve come to know their husbands even though I don’t actually know them, and in my case am not friends on Facebook. Recently I was on a Zoom call with one of my interstate Facebook friends, and her husband popped into the background, and I said something jokingly to him that I later realised was probably not appropriate since from his point of view I don’t know him at all, it’s just that I feel like I do. I reckon there may be a bit of that going on in your scenario. It’s odd to accuse you of not liking him though. 

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