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Pregnant@48

Soooo lonely older single mum

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Pregnant@48

Hi All

Im a very proud mum of my gorgeous nearly 4 yo , I’m now 53. I’m working and my gorgeous girl attends a lovely creche , and we are going well ,,,,, 

I’m experiencing severe loneliness and seemed to be shunned out of the mums groups through creche !! I try to smile and be friendly with the mums of my child’s friends , why are at least 20 years younger than me, but can see I’m not in the “ click” , so feel very lonely .

Most of the younger mums are married and coupled , and I’m single , and this adds yet another dimension again . 

I feel I’m modern in looks and attitude and my child has made many little friends . When I try to join little chat groups I’m clearly excluded .

At creche pick up I try to chat to the parents , but can clearly see their hesitation and looks .

Im a health worker and feel I’m friendly and professionally presented , but am life out .

i just want these friendships and keep trying do my child isn’t excluded from play dates etc , but it’s happening already :((  the mums are meeting up I have heard and I’m not invited often . This is breaking my heart and making me very lonely and very sad .

I never expected this , or even thought about it . I’m now paranoid about how excluded I will be in the primary school world too ,,, 

The big issue is I’m the same age as most of these mums , mothers !!!! and the looks I get is alienation to say the least when we attended the 3 yo birthday parties !!! 
I invited lots of kids for my daughters birthdays , but when attending alone with my child was totally left out of the young groups if mum . 
It’s alienating and gives me great anxiety ....

I never expected this as an older mum , but there are judge bunch out there ;(((((

 

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BECZ

This is very sad and as a mother, I’m so disappointed that other mothers could act this way.

We have lots of kids who attend play dates and birthday parties with their grandparents and we have lovely chats, regardless of the age of the parents or grandparents who accompany them.  Most of my kids had friends with parents ranging from 20’s to early 50’s and age just wasn’t an issue.

Sure,  you might have a couple of younger mums who are really close (as for us, they were more the odd ones out), but they never excluded other parents in a large gathering or when it came to planning get togethers etc.

Just keep being friendly and polite to them all, but please don’t waste too much time or lose too much sleep over these other parents, it sounds like they’re not worth it.  

I think as your DD gets older and has more ‘set’ friends, the parent’s of her friends will come around as we can’t choose who our kids are friends with. (Well, yes, some people try too, but they are arses!)

 

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nori_roll

Sorry you’re feeling so excluded. I’m an older mum in a youngish area and did also find it a bit isolating at times. As my kids went into primary school though things improved - there’s age range amongst parents - one of the mums I’ve made friends with has had kids at our school for a 20 year period! So while we’re the same age - her youngest is the same age as my eldest and her eldest is in her 20s with kids of their own. 
 

There are also lots of grandparents who are often closer to my age than their kids. But to be honest it’s so much easier at school. I get along with people who are young enough to be my own kids, our kids are friends and we try to find something in common.  
 

The early years are isolating in themselves so I’m sorry you find yourself having this trouble - you sound lovely and I’d be happy to hang out with you! 
 

I hope you find some good ones soon. 

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QuirkyMum
1 hour ago, Pregnant@48 said:

Hi All

Im a very proud mum of my gorgeous nearly 4 yo , I’m now 53. I’m working and my gorgeous girl attends a lovely creche , and we are going well ,,,,, 

I’m experiencing severe loneliness and seemed to be shunned out of the mums groups through creche !! I try to smile and be friendly with the mums of my child’s friends , why are at least 20 years younger than me, but can see I’m not in the “ click” , so feel very lonely .

Most of the younger mums are married and coupled , and I’m single , and this adds yet another dimension again . 

I feel I’m modern in looks and attitude and my child has made many little friends . When I try to join little chat groups I’m clearly excluded .

At creche pick up I try to chat to the parents , but can clearly see their hesitation and looks .

Im a health worker and feel I’m friendly and professionally presented , but am life out .

i just want these friendships and keep trying do my child isn’t excluded from play dates etc , but it’s happening already :((  the mums are meeting up I have heard and I’m not invited often . This is breaking my heart and making me very lonely and very sad .

I never expected this , or even thought about it . I’m now paranoid about how excluded I will be in the primary school world too ,,, 

The big issue is I’m the same age as most of these mums , mothers !!!! and the looks I get is alienation to say the least when we attended the 3 yo birthday parties !!! 
I invited lots of kids for my daughters birthdays , but when attending alone with my child was totally left out of the young groups if mum . 
It’s alienating and gives me great anxiety ....

I never expected this as an older mum , but there are judge bunch out there ;(((((

 

OP, I can totally see this happening...

There’s a better chance at finding “your people” at primary school because kids attend it for 7 years, they make more meaningful friendships and parents know that school is for a long time.... But keep doing what you are doing, including inviting kids ( and parents) for birthday parties and offer play dates ( at your place and/or parks/playgrounds).

My eldest started school where I was by far the youngest mum. I was in my thirties so, no, I didn’t have him when I was in early twenties. When my mum picked him up from school, his friends were all saying “Your mum is here!”. He called his friends mums “Your grandmas”.  They kept correcting each other for years but no one cared! This was a small school in a very very well off pocket in a nice area. Almost all parents were working full time in professional roles and had their kids in late forties and some were pregnant. 
I made friends with mums but initially it was a shock for me. I’m sure they all thought I was some kiddo who got knocked up while finishing high school or something... I was asked a lot if I was a nanny when I was able to leave work early and be there for school pick up or mums/class coffee date.

We lived in a next suburb but this school and the area around was like a different world. All other public schools in our area had parents of different age, they also had kids from non-English speaking background ( unlike this school! The whole school knew “brown twins” and that girl who couldn’t speak English! geeez). 
What I’m trying to say is things might be different when your child starts primary school. Maybe check schools in your area. Some might accept out of area enrolments and have more professional (=likely older) parents. Maybe one suburb away from you or close to where you work, there will be a school that’s just right...

Good luck!

 

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IamzFeralz

That would be so tough.  I am a few years younger than you but with teens, also a sole parent.  
Having said that though I agree with the advice that primary may be better for you.  Not everyone likes the “group” of mums and you could be seen as a safe alternative by others who do not fit in for whatever reason.  

I am a believer in different age friendship and believe our society has lost a lot since the 50s with the cultural focus on same age peer groups.  Oddly, I get on really well with DD’s boyfriend.  People of different ages can actually find a lot to talk about.  I think when you are an older woman, younger people confide in you and see you as less of a gossip risk.

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Sancti-claws

Oh lord, I remember that time - fair enough, I was in my 30s but a single mum in a very cliquey environment.  It was hard.  Probably hugely harder now with Covid stuff going on.

With my first daughter, I really found "my tribe" when she hit primary school.  That is where the far more interesting parents are.  Prior to that I just did all I could to maintain the connections that I had through family and friendships prior to being a mum - which isn't easy, especially when they are in a different life phase to you.

I also made a great support group connection with forums (a bit like this) to be honest.  It is hard that so many forums seem to be dying - I was on a single mothers one that was worldwide (still, 18 years later, have online friends from there), an Australian feminist one (although feminist is probably too definitive - it was one that covered feminism but also theology, spirituality, parenting, literature, etc etc) and then an Australian solo parents one.

This go around I probably still haven't really found a tribe and she is 10 - but I do find that I find support in surprising places.

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PhillipaCrawford

You are certainly not unique in your age and 'singleness' - in my preschool it is routine to have 2 or 3 parents who are 'you'.

Interestingly in the last 2 years each of those parents have taken on a role in the kindergarten - class rep or helper on the committee. 
I hope they didn't feel they had to in order to be accepted but it did give them an excuse to be in contact with the other parents and from what I could see there was lots of engagement.
Perhaps, thinking ahead to school, you could volunteer to join some of those activities and so you are brought in to contact that is more than just playground chat.

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Winter frost

Oh Op

It is hard. And there are people who will make you feel like that. I promise it is not everyone. Honestly the period of time when kids are in care was v hard trying to manage behaviours, juggle work and find people that i didnt think were judging my parenting style. I am sure there were days i wasnt as friendly as i shouldve been to that chatty parent at the park but it wasnt me judging it was just me not coping.

I does get easier. Particularly at school. The other thing that helped was i had a couple of friends from previous life that had kids at the same time and we caught up a lot. We would go to the zoo once a week etc or just each others houses. Having children the same age can be v bonding. And it meant i didnt care that some of the cc parents were close knit.. Do you have any old work colleagues with kids the same age you could catch up with?

Have you tried inviting one child for a play date? It may not solve your lonliness but may make you feel better about your daughter. 

The other place is swimming lessons as the kids are in the pool so you can often chat to other mums that are just sitting there.

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MadMarchMasterchef

could be worth looking for facebook or meetup groups for single parents or older parents.  

I dont think its unique to age either.  I felt like that at one stage because I worked full time

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Jenflea

I think being a working mum is hard if younger mums aren't working. You don't get the chance to hang around and chat at pick up or drop off. 

I too made my friends once DD was at school.  It's been 4 years now and we're still mostly friends or at least friendly.  One or 2 have dropped off the radar a bit, but we're still friendly if we run into each other. 

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magic_marker

Hi OP. Which State are you in if l may ask?

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RichardParker

I think kinder/pre-school is a harder place to make friends, too, because the pick-up and drop offs are often chaotic- you’ve got to really watch the kids, sign in, help them with everything. School pick ups are much more relaxed because the kids come and find you while you stand and chat. 

Also, the kinder friendships aren’t so important when kids often go off to different schools anyway. But yes, it’s often lonely and awkward.

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CallMeFeral

I'm so sorry OP, you sound so lonely and sad (and understandably). Could you find out whether there are some single mum groups/older mum groups in the area?

I wouldn't worry too much about it being a cause of exclusion in primary school. That's the point at which a lot of mums go back to work so while there are some who are school regulars there are a massive number of parents who are never seen and don't know anybody, and it seems pretty irrelevant to the kids friendships. Before school, catchups seem to be along the lines of which parents get along. Once school starts, kids have their preferred friends, regardless of whether the parents are known or you get on with them or whatever.  If in doubt, host playdates. 

So I definitely wouldn't worry about it in the context of it affecting your child. But it definitely sounds like it would be worth tracking down your tribe - for YOU. 

Edited by CallMeFeral
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Sentient Puddle

Sorry you are feeling this way OP.  I think you just carry on being friendly - invite other kids over for playdates and join what you can.  For me joining a Kinder Committee was the way in to decade long friendships - you are "with" people for longer and have to get to know them.  Same when your child goes off to school.  Join in what you can when work allows as it will give you an opportunity to get to know parents for longer than just a wave at the school gate.

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rosie28
9 hours ago, BECZ said:

This is very sad and as a mother, I’m so disappointed that other mothers could act this way.

We have lots of kids who attend play dates and birthday parties with their grandparents and we have lovely chats, regardless of the age of the parents or grandparents who accompany them.  Most of my kids had friends with parents ranging from 20’s to early 50’s and age just wasn’t an issue.

Sure,  you might have a couple of younger mums who are really close (as for us, they were more the odd ones out), but they never excluded other parents in a large gathering or when it came to planning get togethers etc.

Just keep being friendly and polite to them all, but please don’t waste too much time or lose too much sleep over these other parents, it sounds like they’re not worth it.  

I think as your DD gets older and has more ‘set’ friends, the parent’s of her friends will come around as we can’t choose who our kids are friends with. (Well, yes, some people try too, but they are arses!)

 

This is my experience too, no one seems bothered by age or whether someone is partnered or not. It’s awful you’re being treated that way. Keep being friendly, but I wouldn’t invest too much time in them. On the age thing. I was reasonably shocked to be the youngest in my mother’s group with my first baby. I was 31! More or less average but I was in an “older” area. It didn’t matter at all, we had first time mums from 31 to 42. I had more in common with some of the three ladies in their 40s, we’d all been through IVF!

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Tiara15

Just a thought but have you engaged with these parents in conversation long enough to see if you have any common interests etc? Just having a child the same age is really not enough common ground to form a friendship. It probably isn't an age issue and could be a "connection" issue.  As my DD is an only child, I actively encourage playdates with her friends but over the years I have really only connected with 2 or 3 of her friends parents. I'm happy for DD to have her friends over and I'm polite and courteous to the parents but they really are acquaintances to me and not friends. I agree with other PP suggestions to join committees, fundraisers etc when your child is at school to build connections.

Edited by Tiara15
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SeaPrincess

I didn’t get to know any parents until my children were at school. Dropping off and picking up was not necessarily at the same times, and I often didn’t see any other parents when I was there. I took the children to swimming and other activities, but they just weren’t conducive for me to get to know other parents, particularly as I had other children to entertain at every activity we went to. IME, parent friendships mainly evolve out of the children’s developing friendships through primary school, particularly extra-curricular activities like sports.

Edited by SeaPrincess

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22Fruitmincepies

I didn’t make any friends through DD until she went to school - then I met a fabulous group of mums, we range in age from mid-20s to mid-40s (one single mum). What helped me then was that one mum was actively looking for friends, and was an organiser, and a lot of fun. She did things like started a book club, and a group who exercised and had coffee after drop off on Friday mornings (the day most have off work). I also had a baby that year, so wasn’t working and was able to stick around and chat. 

One of the mums, the youngest (in an area of older mums), one day confessed to me how lonely she was - I’d had no idea, I think we all assumed she had a bunch of young fun friends. So we got her to come along to book club, and coffee etc, and it’s been fun. I don’t think we are her true tribe, but hopefully she’s less lonely than before. She’s certainly got a social life now! 

Ive got no real advice, but I hope you find some friendships soon. 

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CrankyM

I also think you might find it better once your child starts primary school. I can't even remember many of the parents that I interacted with when my children were at daycare. I know of two, but one I work with and her daughter is the same age as my youngest and they are often in the same class at school, and the other other is a parent of an older child who is in the same year (and often same class) as my older child. In saying that I don't actually know many of the parents from the school either as I'm often not there for drop off or pick up. My kid's are older though and catch a bus or I pick them up at kiss and drop. But the younger years we got to know each other more. You could maybe look at starting an activity or chat group, if you know some of the parents whose children might be going to the same kinder or school (I'm making the assumption that if she's 4 she's going to 4yr kindy or even possibly FYOS next year). I don't think it's an age thing either. Sometimes it's just hard to connect to people who don't have similar interests even if you do have children similar age. (I don't drink or party or similar and have odd hobbies for where I live so don't connect to many people expect through children. But I'm an introvert and it doesn't bother me a lot as a I have a few friends). Just keep doing play dates, and similar type things. Maybe even do your own sort of things, like "Hey, I'm feeling a bit lonely, do you want to have a catch up or picnic in the part?" Or whatever is suitable for covid restrictions where you are.

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nori_roll

I actually do think there’s an element of age to it, from my own experiences.  The younger mums (and we’re talking people young enough to be our own children) probably through no fault of their own just see us as ‘oldies’ I guess.  Not all of them.  But what I found was that with primary school, as others have said, your kids tend to form bonds with each other and most parents want to get to know at least a little bit about the parents of their kids friends, much more so than in the early years, from my experience.

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maryanneK

I was much the same  age as most of the mums in my mother's group but still found there were only really 1 or 2 that really clicked with . Doesn't matter whether it's age, background, bottle vs breast, politics, SES, Working/SAHM, hobbies....90% of mothers group will be clique-y and not be a good match. I actually ended up making friends with someone who bought a baby bouncer from me on gumtree... she was local and had a kid a few months younger, we got chatting when she picked the chair and that was the start of it!

Point being, don't take it personally, don't imagine it's too much about age or relationship status, and look elsewhere. Good luck xx

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Prancer is coming

When you say crèche, do you mean childcare?  I did not find childcare a place where I met lots of people.  With the juggle with trying to get to work on time and then get home to organise tea, certainly was not doing much socialising!

 

Also with my first, I was more keen to make friends and have my child have lots of friends.  To be honest, now I have several kids I just don’t have a lot of time to organise play dates.  Do the women all know each other already from before crèche?  They could well be a mother’s group thst know each other really well.  If they are excluding you, thst is not on.  And unfortunately odd parent behaviour is rife.  If your child is particularly friendly with a child I would invite them to a play date.  If their child is keen you may have more chance of them reciprocating.  And I would keep being friendly and not take their behaviour personally.

 

i would also look for other avenues where you can meet other parents and children.  Swimming lessons, kinder gym, play groups, online groups or even other mums in the park.  I think you have an unusual bunch of crèche mums but plenty of mums are looking for friends.  I personally do not mind what ages other mums are.  I was in my 40s when my youngest started kinder and don’t recall any issues.  I find I am quite a Bad judge of age and often have no idea of the ages of people I talk to are and am often quite shocked to find they are of an age where they had their babies as teens. Hopefully the reverse works and they don’t realise how old I am!

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blueskies12

Don't give up. Walk away from these mums though and don't look back. Your daughter will make her own friends at school and you will too. In the meantime, keep trying with new people and other Mums. If your daughter goes to swimming or other activities try there, or try FB groups, volunteer at school if you can. I am in my 30s and a very good friend of mine is 60. Age is irrelevant. She is a wonderful person. You will find your tribe, just keep reaching out and in the mean time keep chatting to us.

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Pregnant@48
12 hours ago, magic_marker said:

Hi OP. Which State are you in if l may ask?

Hey there I’m in Victoria , Melbourne 

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Pregnant@48
14 minutes ago, blueskies12 said:

Don't give up. Walk away from these mums though and don't look back. Your daughter will make her own friends at school and you will too. In the meantime, keep trying with new people and other Mums. If your daughter goes to swimming or other activities try there, or try FB groups, volunteer at school if you can. I am in my 30s and a very good friend of mine is 60. Age is irrelevant. She is a wonderful person. You will find your tribe, just keep reaching out and in the mean time keep chatting to us.

Thank you for your wise words and sharing this with me !!! From what I’m reading , primary school may be a better click 

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