Jump to content
Megan004

Sister wants to breastfeed my baby

Recommended Posts

Hands Up

It would be a hard no from me. Disruptive to the baby, potentially edging out your DH/partner as well, to say nothing of how you might feel. Do you want her to move in for a few months? Are you really close? Because that would be a no from me too! One month tops and not until at least week two...

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Not Escapin Xmas

Hard no from me too. Your poor sister is clearly struggling, but the next step re that is counselling, not what she’s suggesting.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Paddlepop

Lou-bags: I just saw your edit. That's just downright insensitive of your friend's friends to do that. Being realistic about something that someone is idealising and who clearly need psychological support (OP's sister and BFing) is different to being a jerk to someone who is grieving for two lost babies. Mentioning something their child has done that is annoying is okay IMO but telling her that she's lucky that she doesn't have to deal with it is so insensitive and not okay. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
literally nobody

So what will happen if you want to feed the baby and so does she at the same time, or you’re feeling she’s doing it more than you or she gets upset if you want your time with the baby which you’re entitled to but she feels she’s got a bond with bub? this just sounds like too much headache. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sweet.Pea

I wouldn't accept her offer of staying with you after the birth. Explain to her that for you and the baby to bond, you need the breastfeeding experience.

 

Explain that you understand that she feels like she is missing something, but you don't think mimicking breastfeeding on your newborn will satisfy her desire to breastfeed her baby because she won't actually have the sensation of producing milk and breastfeeding, and the baby will be her niece, not her daughter. You are also worried about the confusion it will cause your baby.

It's a tough situation for you all to be in, but you need to do what's best for your baby and family. If you feel your sister is stepping on your toes, just tell her. You may get the whole she's just trying to help chat, but if a person is genuinely helping, it should be solely for the person they are helping.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Murderino

I’ll be honest and say it creeped me out on my first read. On further thinking these posts sum it up for me:

2 hours ago, YodaTheWrinkledOne said:

That would be a no from me as well. *way* too much unnecessary mucking around. Would be happy for her to feed EBM from a bottle, just like what the father would have to do.

Yes this will make life so much harder for YOU with a newborn and three older children to deal with.

49 minutes ago, Dianalynch said:

I came in to post what STBG said - your sister could do with a psychologist. Her request lacks boundaries and is not focused on the needs of baby and mum. I found it disturbing. 

baby needs to develop an attachment to primary care givers, do you intend for your sister to be one of them? 

I agree your sister needs to speak to someone not breastfeed your baby.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ruf~Feral~es
Posted (edited)

I think what might be getting slightly lost here is that breastfeeding (or any form of feeding) is about what's best for the baby.  

It's not really about the aunt - its about nutrition and ensuring the baby thrives, is not confused.  Also about bonding with the caregivers, but as a person who was adopted as a very small baby, I can honestly say that the bond I have/had with my parents and family really had nothing to do with breastfeeding.  

In those first few weeks, the OP really needs to put the babies needs first, and then her needs second.  I get that her sister may be struggling and yes, it must be hard to watch someone so close to you having a baby when you can't.  But breastfeeding it isn't the way through that.  Therein lies madness, if you ask me!

ETA - what Murderino said!

Edited by Ruf~Feral~es
  • Like 11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Heather11

So she will be BFing your baby and you will be busy expressing so she can BF'd?  How is that helping make life easier for you when the baby comes?  All it will be doing is making more work.

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Jersey Caramel

I agree with PPs, that breastfeeding your baby is not going to give her what she feels she is missing.  It's like saying you want to experience being married,  so you will try on a wedding ring.  

Even physically,  just having a baby suckle on your nipple is not going to feel like breastfeeding your own baby does (with the hormones and letdown etc). Maybe she could let bub latch on to her freshly washed little finger - our midwife taught DH to do this to settle DS temporarily when changing his nappy or whatever (like a dummy), but it used to bring tears to his eyes even imagining that latched onto his nipple!! 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27plus

Flame me but this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.  She is investing herself in yours, the father of your child and your child's life for her own satisfaction. Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all.  Bonding with a child is not breastfeeding a child. It is a lot more involved than  that. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ckmelb

Also a no from me. If she was breastfeeding her own child and wanted to help you out, I would consider it. But making you pump milk for her to feed via SNS??? Not helpful for you and also weird. I also was wondering about the chance of infection for baby.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
got my tinsel on
Posted (edited)

I can understand the difficult spot you're in OP.  I have a sister who is infertile my pregnancy and postnatal period was tricky - but nowhere near as tricky as the position your sister has put you in.

I would say no to your sister.  First and foremost because your baby is not a prop for your sister to roleplay or experience breastfeeding.  Your baby requires feeding when your baby is hungry.  Anything that may unnecessarily delay your baby being fed (even by a few minutes) and increase baby's distress is not acceptable.  This isn't about the sometimes inevitable delays as a mum tries to get an upset hungry baby to latch on or mum is in dire need of a wee before feeding, it's about your baby's feeding being disrupted to suit your sister and her emotional needs/wants.  Your baby does not owe your sister this experience. 

The possible disruption to latching on/sucking or your supply is also a very big problem.   As sad as it is, your sister is not who your baby needs,  when you are there very willing and able to fulfill them. 

I don't think this was a healthy request at all and having your sister staying with you will make it very uncomfortable if you refuse her request to 'breastfeed' baby and as others have posted, your sister may try while you're showering, sleeping etc.

I can see this having a very ugly outcome.

Edited by got my tinsel on
  • Like 13

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ozquoll
58 minutes ago, Paddlepop said:

Lou-bags: I just saw your edit. That's just downright insensitive of your friend's friends to do that. Being realistic about something that someone is idealising and who clearly need psychological support (OP's sister and BFing) is different to being a jerk to someone who is grieving for two lost babies. Mentioning something their child has done that is annoying is okay IMO but telling her that she's lucky that she doesn't have to deal with it is so insensitive and not okay. 

A friend of mine is in her mid-40s and childless - she just never met the right guy at the right time. She desperately wanted children and she would have been the most wonderful mother. She doesn't talk about it much because it's deeply painful for her, but when she has (briefly) mentioned it to her siblings who both have children, she immediately gets shut down with stuff like "You're lucky, kids are just endless trouble". They never acknowledge her sadness 😞. Surely they could hug her and cry with her, just once. 

  • Like 4
  • Sad 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
VVV

I’m a Mum and I didn’t get to breastfeed too - doesn’t mean I feel the need to to breastfeed someone else’s kid because I missed out. I feel for her re infertility, but doesn’t give her the right to make the request. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
IShallWearMidnight

Personally I'd rather have help with the older kids, and someone to hold the baby while I pee.

Feeding the babies wasn't a chore for me (and I've breastfed, mixed fed, and used formula)

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Freddie'sMum

All the other posters have said it but that's a hard NO from me.  I would even question letting her live with you "for a few months" after the baby is born because the feeling I get is she will happily hold onto the baby 24/7 and want to breastfeed him/her and this is simply going to make much more work for the OP.

Ultimately - those first few days / weeks are about spending time with the baby and getting used to your new little overlord (overlady?).  Most importantly - the baby's needs come first and this plan your sister wants to do is NOT about what is best for the baby - it's about her needs/wants.  I tried breastfeeding with both our girls and ending up doing a combination of breast and bottle feeding.  DH would spend time bottle feeding the new baby and I would just collapse with exhaustion.

I don't see this ending very well if you agree to it OP - your sister needs to talk to a professional counselor about her feelings.

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gatheringpieces

Other than what's already been discussed, it will totally confuse the baby. My sister and I look very similar (not identical, but verrrry obviously sisters), and my kids have all had moments of confusion about who they were with of who they were looking at. It was amusing for us but I don't think it would be amusing for you 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CCABW

**** no.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
blueskies12

Gosh, how sad is this, OP. I am feeling for you both.

I agree with PPs. I wouldn't be having her stay for a few months. I definitely wouldn't be having her help with feeds. I think that would actually be detrimental for her mental health in the one run. A feed or a few isn't going to cut it, in the end you will always be his/her mother. your sister will always be the aunty. A great role, but not a parent. So I think this is like a bandaid solution to her trauma. I would strongly suggest she sees an infertility counsellor. 

I wouldn't have her stay- even if you needed the help. I think she needs to work through her own issues and not stay with a family, reminding her of what she doesn't have, and also staying with a family that is adjusting to a new normal of being a family of 6.

I was so romantic about the notion of breast feeding, the birth and the newborn period before becoming a mum. It is interesting that dealing with your older 3 would be a  much more real and longer-term picture of being a mum, but  the focus is on the newborn.

Your sister deserves help and clear boundaries. There won't be an easy way of saying it, just be clear and kind. You can do it. You will need to put your focus on your own family.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tothebeach
6 hours ago, Silverstreak said:

Just read your update OP. I think it could go either way, but I personally would not be comfortable with my sibling living with me during those first few newborn months and essentially jockeying for position when my baby needed a feed. 

It is not your sister’s baby.   And even if she breastfeeds her/him, it will never be.    As much as she wants to act as if it’s her child. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ImperatorFuriosa

I highly doubt the validity of this story.

  • Like 12
  • Thanks 1
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jojonbeanie

I've used an SNS system before. If your sister wants to experience it just give her a recording of a screaming baby to play while she uses sandpaper on her nipples. 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Holidayromp

It sounds like it’s more about her than than your breastfeeding relationship with your child and ultimately your child.

its all very well she wants to experience this but it comes at a huge risk to the mother baby breastfeeding relationship and establishment of milk supply. 
 

It’s sad she cannot have kids for whatever reason but that shouldn’t come at your expense. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kiwi Bicycle
7 hours ago, ImperatorFuriosa said:

I highly doubt the validity of this story.

This, or I think there's an element of culture not being revealed if it is true. I personally know of in Indian culture, the last born child being handed over to a childless aunt and uncle to raise from birth. It also can happen in Polynesian cultures.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
**Manning**
Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, jojonbeanie said:

I've used an SNS system before. If your sister wants to experience it just give her a recording of a screaming baby to play while she uses sandpaper on her nipples. 

So true! 

I remember curling my toes into the carpet in the early days of breastfeeding DD1 to concentrate on something else. By DD3, I was writing a shopping list.

Edited by **Manning**
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...