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Bea2020

Help my teenager

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Bea2020

Hi I've never done this before I have a 16 yr old who lost her best friend 6 months ago to blood clots I know she's greveing but she really is struggling to cope or deal with it heres there story they met at primary school and my daughter use to get bullied badly and this girl helped her through it all through school rite up till they left at 16 they were stuck together like glue where one was the other was always there. Until we received the news she sadly passed away. Now I have tried everything I cant to help my daughter but she's just so angry all the time she disappears turns her phone of and generally don't care how worried she makes people who are out looking for her an says I shouldn't ring the police to report her missing because she fine. She was never like this before the lose of her friend she refuses to talk to councillors support workers even me and her dad all we get is I told you what it's about but if we say her friends name all hell breaks loose and she tells us we shouldn't bring her friend into it but  that's all she's ever told us. Everyone has said the same thing she needs to talk to someone that knows how to help. But she won't. Has anyone got any advice on how I can help her or get her to talk about it I know the greveing can take time but I've tried everything 

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born.a.girl

Gosh, that's so very hard for you, I'm sorry.

For sure, she needs to talk to someone but clearly isn't ready.

Do you think there's any possibility she might go with you, and tell her she doesn't have to say a word if she doesn't want?

My daughter flatly refused a psychologist, for much less major reasons, I went with her, and she then understood how it all worked.  I think she was worried that they were going to tell her what to think, what to do, but of course they don't.   She was about that age.

Your poor girl, must be heartbreaking watching her in pain.

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Bea2020

Thank you I have tried to go with her but she just refused to go in. I hate seeing her hurting knowing I can't take the pain away. I've even said that she hasn't got to see them face to face she can do It over the phone even said about me looking on internet for sites with other teenagers that have been through the same thing but she refused to even talk about it I just want to help her 

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born.a.girl

Have you tried just lying down in bed with her at night before she goes to sleep?

It was a suggestion I read at the time my daughter didn't want to talk about things.

Turned out she found that much easier. Sometimes we just lay there, not talking, if she didn't want to.

Talking about your pain, in broad daylight, face to face with someone is much harder than in the dark where you can both just lie there without speaking.

Sorry, hopefully others with equally challenging issues with their distressed teens will be able to offer some advice.

 

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Bea2020

No ive not tried that I will try to do that and see how it goes thank you for your advice 

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Grrrumbles

Chatting in the car might also work. But bedtime is a good time for engaging my hard  to engage son.

Would she interested in fundraising for the illness, many have sponsored walks or runs. Or something else to honour her friend’s memory.

Could you leave some reading material about grief lying around so that she can see that the pain she feels is normal but can be managed better. 

Such a difficult age to be dealing with this but sounds like her behaviour is a big worry for you. You can seek help for you too.

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Prancer is coming

You mention she is angry all the time, which I assume relates to her feeling angry that her friend is dead.  Is it worth trying to have a chat about how she seems angry and that is a valid emotion to be feeling and that her friend dying is not fair?
 

I was not sure from your post if she was still at school.  If yes, see if the school counsellor can check in with her.  And if she does not want to open up I would just keep trying to be there and engage with her, or see if there is a another member of your family that might be able to get through to her.

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lizzzard

OP, what a difficult thing to deal with. How are you coping? I imagine it must be confronting for you too :(

I would suggest giving the Kids Helpline a call. I'm sure they would have some good advice x

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Redchick2

What an incredibly hard thing for your DS (and you) to be dealing with. You sound Ike you are doing all you can to be there for her and it must be terrible seeing her in so much pain. 
 

lots of good suggestions from PPs. A random thought, would interacting with animals in some way help? Eg volunteering or playing with a friends animal? No expectations with animals that she has to talk but something to cuddle. 
 

🤗

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Sancti-claws

Your poor little girl.  How terribly hard for her - and you.  Anger is part of grief, but it is important for her to not get stuck in this phase and given the significance of this relationship throughout her development her finding her new centre of balance is going to be hard for her.

I think all that you can do is offer her the avenues as you have been doing.  You are also allowed to say "I know that you are angry because you are grieving, but please don't take your anger out on us". 

As to the disappearing, that is very concerning for you.  Can you work out some ground rules for her at all?  You mention support workers so I am assuming there are additional complexities - is she a reader?  A draw-er?  Is there an avenue she can channel her grief into that will help her find a pathway out?

Is there a way for YOU to go to some form of grief counselling to get some tools on board?  Perhaps if you do a few sessions and require her to help YOU process?  I don't know, that was just a shot in the dark which is no doubt how you are feeling.

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Bea2020

Thank you everyone she does have someone at college to talk to if she needs to and she has a mentor now. She has agreed to see a youth worker today. And she says she feels silly talking to our dog. She has started to talk but very closed of. 

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Bea2020

Update my daughter is now talking to youth worker and a tutor at college and she's doing really well thank you everyone for all your advice 

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born.a.girl
2 hours ago, Bea2020 said:

Update my daughter is now talking to youth worker and a tutor at college and she's doing really well thank you everyone for all your advice 

Great news, and thankyou for updating.

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