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hills mum bec

Am I being precious?- update

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hills mum bec

Three weeks ago my Mum passed away from breast cancer.  It was in the week leading up to Father's Day and we had originally planned to go to in laws for Father's Day but ended up postponing it as I was still pretty upset then (I did tell DH that he should go with the kids without me but he didn't want to), the following weekend we were all sick so we ended up going there for a BBQ yesterday.  Not one single member of DH's family (Mum, Dad, sister, BIL, 2 x adult nephews) mentioned anything to me about my Mum's passing.  In fact they all seemed like they were actively trying to avoid any conversation with me.  I left there feeling very hurt.  When I mentioned it to DH when we got home he said that was a bit strange but maybe they wanted to avoid the topic because FIL (DH's Dad) has prostate cancer and has turned down treatment.  He is going OK at the moment.  Do you think I am being a bit precious expecting IL's to at least acknowledge my Mum's death or pass on condolences?  At the moment I really never want to see any of them ever again.

Edited by hills mum bec
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Riotproof

You are not being precious at all. I’m so sorry for your loss. 
 

I can only assume they are not comfortable with fils decision but it was wrong to take that out in you. 

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Sentient Puddle

Sorry for the loss of your Mum.  Yes they are being insensitive but often people dont know how to talk about the loss of a loved one or perhaps acknowledge  it - so as to upset you.  Or they may just be asshats - only you know how they were prior.  Xxxxxx 

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Amica

Not acknowledging your tremendous loss is disgraceful. 

I don't think I could see these people the same way again. 

I am sorry for your loss. x

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scooty

Sorry for your loss. 

 

You aren't being precious at all. It doesn't take a lot of effort to acknowledge what happened to you. A hug and a small comment would have meant a lot. I wouldn't expect a huge convo around it, if they are going through their own health issues within that family, but some sort of acknowledgement is easily done.

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seayork2002

I am sorry to hear about your mum and I do get why you are upset but when my brother died I did not want people to acknowledge it (outside my immediate family) I did not want to discuss it or have it mentioned.

People saying things to me about it did not make it better it made it worse  I definitely wanted the topic avoided so personally there is no right or wrong way to feel, I wanted people to talk about themselves and for a small moment feel the world was normal.

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rosie28

You are not being precious. What disgraceful behaviour, they should be ashamed. They should have started with “I’m so sorry for your loss” and then gauged their further actions on your response. 
 

I’m so sorry that happened to you on top of your mum’s passing.

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maryanneK

I would be upset too but if that was me I'd just assume they didn't want to mention it for fear of upsetting me. I wouldn't necessarily be angry, just seems they are trying to do the right thing but are emotionally clueless.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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blackcat20

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hopefully they were just uncertain as to whether you wanted to discuss it and didnt want to upset you.

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AllyK81

OP they were being insensitive and you are not being precious.

Sometimes people with low emotional maturity avoid difficult conversations like offering condolences. For their own personal comfort, it is easier to say nothing.

I am sorry about the loss of your mother.

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Let-it-go

You’re not being precious, I’d be incredibly upset. I’m not buying into ‘they didn’t want to upset you’. They’re your extended family and absolutely should put on their big person pants and offered condolences.

So sorryfor your loss.

Edited by Let-it-go
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Serapod

Even a short comment about your loss would have been better than nothing. They could have said "sorry for your loss but we feel funny taking because of FIL prostate cancer. But we acknowledge her death and give our love."

You are in a real hard sh*tty time right now. Take care and do what you need to cope. The early months and years suck hard.

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kadoodle

I’m so sorry for you loss. Your ILs were rude and strange.

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Squeekums The Elf
27 minutes ago, maryanneK said:

I would be upset too but if that was me I'd just assume they didn't want to mention it for fear of upsetting me. I wouldn't necessarily be angry, just seems they are trying to do the right thing but are emotionally clueless.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If your relationship is normally good, Id agree with this 

When my mum died people fell in 2 camps, the ones who thought i needed to talk out every aspect and feeling and those who would let me bring it up in my own time and they not mention it. People dont want to make it awkward or upset someone

Plus with the added prostate cancer in family, that would add another dynamic and fear.

But your IN NO WAY precious for feeling hurt by them not mentioning it. Would your DH mention it to them, how you feel that is? If he would, their reaction and response to you would tell you what you need to know about them. If they just a bit clueless and got it wrong or just pure a$$hats

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Murderino

You are not being precious at all but I do agree with maryannek and Squeekums that how you judge them needs to depend on what your previous relationship was like  

What I learned when mum died (and when she was dying) was that the people who said something were okay with the idea I might cry on them and they knew they would be able to handle it. The others were kind people who cared but they didn’t know how they would go if I burst into tears on them so they avoided bringing it up themselves to not be the one who did that. If I raised it in some way though they were lovely and kind.

If you had a good relationship with them before this and they’re generally kind people I would tend to think they might the latter kind of people. BUT you absolutely get to be upset for a while about it. 

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Treasure Island

That seems harsh. Did they do anything at the time? Send flowers etc? One would think if your DIL loses a parent you do something.

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Winter frost

Hi op

i am so sorry for your loss. I think that they should have said something.

However I remember when my father passed away I was terrified someone would mention it as I thought it would make me crawl into a ball and cry hysterically. It took me a very long time to cope with a conversation. I would be very hesitant and careful as to how I mention death to anyone since. 

 

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IamtheMumma

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

I'd be feeling upset too. I would have expected some acknowledgement. 

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MadMarchMasterchef

Normally I would say they are being incredibly rude but given the FIL situation I would say they probably couldnt handle talking about the topic because of their own fears.  I would have thought they would send flowers or a card or something. Not to acknowledge it at all is very poor, even if they couldnt cope with a face to face conversation. 

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123Tree

OK, so I think that they were incredibly rude for not saying anything.

However I think they are even more especially rude for not reaching out before now. Not sure what state you are in but even in Victoria I would have expected phone calls or a care package or something.

I lost my mum last year and I would be gutted if her passing didn't even register as important to people in my life. 

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hills mum bec
32 minutes ago, Treasure Island said:

That seems harsh. Did they do anything at the time? Send flowers etc? One would think if your DIL loses a parent you do something.

On the day she passed DH called them to tell them and they asked him to pass on their condolences to me.  I haven't heard from them since.  I was just so shocked yesterday when they didn't say anything at all about it, not even to my kids (19, 16 & 9) who have also lost their Grandma.

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Zesty

You are definitely not being precious. I am very sorry for your loss.

What I do think is that they just do not know how to act in regards to the situation. I am not excusing it by any stretch, I do think it strange, but the fact that that entire part of the family said nothing? Odd, to say the very least. 

I would honestly get you DH to say something to them though. 

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MsLaurie

How weird... is it possible your DH had warned them off saying anything, thinking it would upset you/the kids? 

So sorry about your mum. That completely sucks. 

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ineedmorecoffee

I am sorry for the loss of your Mum.

You are not precious at all, I would expect that your IL’s should acknowledge the loss of your Mum. Not doing so comes across as immature and selfish as they are more concerned about their discomfort in the moment.

I wonder how they would feel if FIL passed and he was never mentioned of again?

 

 

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magic_marker

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.

The bare minimum would have been to send a card and/or flowers.

When you arrived for the gathering, a simple how are you feeling would have given you the opportunity to let them know if you wanted to talk or not. I think they've been rude.

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