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missrach

12 year olds and boyfriends/girlfriends what's typical for this age group?

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missrach

I am very interested to hear about other people's experiences with this.

DS (12) has had a girlfriend for about 6 months. They are in the same class at school. They message each other frequently and as I check his phone (the condition of him having one) I know that the messages are quite full on as in telling each other how much they love each other etc. They have caught up a couple of times outside of school with supervision by her Mum and myself  (we had coffee and chatted while they bowled). 

They often walk out of school together and I noticed today that they were holding hands.

I am just a bit worried about the intensity of feelings DS has for such a young age. Any attempts at talking with him about it is met with intense hostility.

So please share with me - am I right to be concerned or is this pretty normal behaviour for kids this age these days?

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Kreme

My DD had her first “boyfriend” at 12 when she was in year 6. I also had access to her phone and the messages were full of declarations of love. He was pushing hard to go out on a solo date but DD would always tell him that her mum wouldn’t let her. She never actually asked me but we have an agreement that I will be “tough mum” if she needs to get out of a difficult situation. One day his mum bailed me up at the school gate to ask why I wouldn’t let them go on a date! I just said they were too young as I didn’t want to drop DD in it. 
 

They went to different high schools and within weeks he had not only dumped her but turned full a*s*hole, getting his friends to send her disgusting text  messages and links to porn and calling her all sorts of names. DD only sent him one message in response: “**** off”. I was so proud LOL. She’s now 14 and has shown no further interest in boys. She goes to an all girl high school so that helps. 
 

I was worried at the time about her being too young for a relationship. I didn’t realise that it would actually  be her first introduction to toxic male behaviour.

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SeaPrincess
11 hours ago, Kreme said:

My DD had her first “boyfriend” at 12 when she was in year 6. I also had access to her phone and the messages were full of declarations of love. He was pushing hard to go out on a solo date but DD would always tell him that her mum wouldn’t let her. She never actually asked me but we have an agreement that I will be “tough mum” if she needs to get out of a difficult situation. One day his mum bailed me up at the school gate to ask why I wouldn’t let them go on a date! I just said they were too young as I didn’t want to drop DD in it. 
 

They went to different high schools and within weeks he had not only dumped her but turned full a*s*hole, getting his friends to send her disgusting text  messages and links to porn and calling her all sorts of names. DD only sent him one message in response: “**** off”. I was so proud LOL. She’s now 14 and has shown no further interest in boys. She goes to an all girl high school so that helps. 
 

I was worried at the time about her being too young for a relationship. I didn’t realise that it would actually  be her first introduction to toxic male behaviour.

I’m so sorry your DD had to experience that! What a strange situation! DS1 had a crush on a girl in primary school. A few of the boys asked girls to the disco, but they met up there. Later on, he wanted to ask her out somewhere, but I felt really weird about it, so I discouraged it, and as he was reliant on me driving or whatever, it just fizzled out. 

I just asked my 12yo (Year 7) what happens with his friends because I know one of his friends has a girlfriend. Apparently they go to movies or out for lunch on the weekends. No holding hands at school though.

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JRA

@Kreme I am so sorry that happened to your daughter.

DS had a girl friend in y6  then another in y7. And yes, especially the one in y7 was so “special”. They want out again in y9, and still great friends. She in fact comes down to stay at the beach with us sometimes, as they are good friends. 

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kadoodle

Yikes, @Kreme, that’s horrendous.

DD2 (12 next month) has a “boyfriend”. They chat on roblox and hang out together (when not in lockdown) as part of a larger group. Apparently they were dared to hold hands but were too scared to do so. 
DD1 had a boyfriend in grade six, but the relationship petered out over the holidays before year 7 started. They’re still friends in yr12. 

DS1 had a girlfriend in grade 6, too. Again it petered out into a friendship, and in yr10 she’s dating another mutual friend and he’s painfully keen on another friend but too shy to do anything about it beyond inviting her to join the dungeons and dragons game. 

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missrach

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.

It is good to see that it is not uncommon.  I am noticing that at this age there is a vast difference in everything between the kids - growth, development, maturity etc. I am not finding this transition into a teen very easy and wish my DS was one of those (like some of his friends) who are still into toys and not at all interested in relationships!

I do worry about how he would cope with the end of the relationship which is one of the reasons I told him early on that 11/12 is too young for having to deal with some of these adult concepts. Will see what happens I suppose. I do remind him that I am always here for him to talk to but I am noticing more and more that he isn't wanting to.

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YodaTheWrinkledOne

There is a huge range of what happens at that age. Our neighbour's DD had a 'boyfriend' in Year 6 - it lasted about 4 months before they broke up. They didn't go out on any dates or anything like that, lots of texting/game playing etc, although they did arrange to go trick-or-treating together for Halloween that year (parents walked a distance behind). There was a small group of kids at DD's primary school that had boyfriend/girlfriends in Year 6, leading toward end of school year. A lot of breaking up, etc. DD said most kids in Year 6 weren't even thinking of that. In year 7 (high school), it sounds like it starts to really kick in with more kids hopping on the bandwagon ...

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