Jump to content
MadMarchMasterchef

How would you react to this?

Recommended Posts

MadMarchMasterchef

DD 9 and DD7 were feeding ducks with a couple of friends.  (parents sitting away from them but could see them, they are good swimmers and the water was  quite shallow ,but they dont know that for a fact) 

DD9 who is normally very sensible was showing off to friend,  ran up behind DD7 and yelled BOO, scared her, and she fell in the lake. 

I'm really cross, mainly at myself because I thought I could trust them not to act like idiots around water but Im also really cross at DD9 for her lack of common sense.  She normally doesnt act like that so Im not sure how much the friends were egging her on. 

Anyway I dont know if I'm overreacting to be really cross at DD9?   This incident has really upset me because something could have gone wrong if the water were deep.

Would you be cross, would you give some kind of consequence, or was it my fault for having unrealistic expectations of a 9 year old?  Would you avoid lakes in future?   I would have thought 9 is old enough to know better. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SeaPrincess

I’d consider it a learning experience. I’d talk about it to drive home the importance of being careful around water, so I wouldn’t ignore it, but I imagine the 9yo was quite shocked?

FWIW, one of mine fell in a pond at around the same age. We were visiting DH in hospital and every time we walked past the pond by the entry, I told all of the children to stay on this side, because the access to the other side was very narrow (and that if anyone fell in, we wouldn’t come back to visit again). He decided to try to go round, and immediately fell in. He was really upset about it. Fortunately DH came home that day, so that part wasn’t too much of an issue.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
seayork2002

I would have a stern word with DS (well I only have the one but any child I have hypothetically) I would use my 'don't mess with me serious voice' I don't use often generally so he gets it when I do, then move on

If we were going to a similar place again I may do a quick mention but I would not go on about it

(I am replying as the way I think and act not aiming this at you OP or saying what is right or wrong)

Overall I would not be too bothered but more wanting him to think first generally I guess

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MadMarchMasterchef
Just now, seayork2002 said:

I would have a stern word with DS (well I only have the one but any child I have hypothetically) I would use my 'don't mess with me serious voice' I don't use often generally so he gets it when I do, then move on

If we were going to a similar place again I may do a quick mention but I would not go on about it

(I am replying as the way I think and act not aiming this at you OP or saying what is right or wrong)

Overall I would not be too bothered but more wanting him to think first generally I guess

Thanks.    I am prone to pretty bad anxiety, which I thought I was controlling pretty well but this incident has really set it off.  Its good to have some feedback maybe I am overthinking it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Chamomile

.

Edited by Chamomile
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MadMarchMasterchef
6 minutes ago, Chamomile said:

I wonder what she thought would happen by scaring DD7. Did she think she would jump, or did she know she would fall in? 
if she knew she would fall in, then it’s a lesson in being nice & water safety. 
If she didn’t think she would fall in, then you also have to teach her that there are consequences and she needs to think things through. 

I dont think she actually meant to hurt her sister,  it was more showing off to the friends, but I would have thought that a 9yo should have the ability to make the connection that if you scare somebody standing next to water they might fall in :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
seayork2002

When DS was smaller (ie shorter than me lol!) I used to go on a bit about things but I have learnt with him short and sharp works best, I get his attention explain briefly no and why then move on, he can sure have his moments but I can't remember having to tell him off for the same thing more than once.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ruf~Feral~es

Oh dear. I'll probably get flamed for this, but I'd probably laugh!  

If that happened in our family, DD (18 months older) would feel a bit remorseful, DS (younger) would be furious and upset, and I'd be trying to pacify him, reprimand her, and trying to hide my amusement, probably unsuccessful.

As you said, the water was shallow and they are both good swimmers.  The biggest consequence is the younger one being wet and uncomfortable, which isn't nice, but accidents happen.  Kids muck around, and sometimes what seemed like a good idea in their head turns out to not be so good in reality.  

It may also go down in your family folklore as something the younger one holds against her for ever, gets embellished, and becomes something they all laugh about - a fond childhood memory  - "remember the time you made me fall in the lake?"  

I think the perspective here is that nothing bad happened.  Your anxiety is triggered, but it doesn't need to become their anxiety.  I'm not meaning to trivialise it (my DS has bad anxiety too) .  But I think the consequence was her seeing her sister wet and uncomfortable, and the reaction to her action.  I would think she's unlikely to do it again, regardless of a punishment?

And next time, a reminder, maybe with a hint of sarcasm "And this time, PLEASE don't make your sister fall in the lake!" might be all it takes?  Again in my family, that would start giggles and teasing, but hopefully not a repeat. 

Edited by Ruf~Feral~es
  • Like 16
  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Riotproof
10 minutes ago, MadMarchMasterchef said:

I dont think she actually meant to hurt her sister,  it was more showing off to the friends, but I would have thought that a 9yo should have the ability to make the connection that if you scare somebody standing next to water they might fall in :(

I would have a talk about two things.... the showing off and water safety. 
Don’t make it too huge, but just talking about why it’s important to be careful around water, and talking about what she should do if someone does fall in. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
melanieb530

Not overreacting, if had been somewhere else with deeper water like a wharf or jetty and a poorer swimmer or a hit to the head the consequences could have been quite different. 
Good lesson as they tend to forget to stop and think and are more likely to do dumb stuff when with friends as teenagers. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Soontobegran

I believe we need to give ourselves a little leeway when it comes to how we respond to incidents when our lives have been so altered this year. I think the same goes for children.

I would have definitely given the perpetrator a talking to but inside I would be laughing 6 months ago but these days I would have probably cried because I'd be thinking I was failing at parenting ( which you aren't).

The 'pusher' needs some consequences , the 'pushee' needs a cuddle and an apology ( and dry clothes ) and you need to just be kind to yourself.

Edited by Soontobegran
edited for clarity
  • Like 9
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
~Jolly_F~

 

16 minutes ago, Ruf~Feral~es said:

Oh dear. I'll probably get flamed for this, but I'd probably laugh!  

If that happened in our family, DD (18 months older) would feel a bit remorseful, DS (younger) would be furious and upset, and I'd be trying to pacify him, reprimand her, and trying to hide my amusement, probably unsuccessful.

 

 This is how it would go down In our house too.. I don’t even know is I could hide my amusement. No one was hurt, it was a joke, so I think move on.

I would probably just say we don’t really want people wet and cold, so try to make sure scaring someone doesn’t mean they end up in the drink! 

We have had similar incidents, we don’t avoid water, I wasn’t hugely cross because it was funny. We had a chat and moved on. We still all crack up when we relive the story, even the person who got drenched finds it funny! 

I think you are overreacting a tad OP. 

Edited by ~Jolly_F~
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kaz83

The thing that would make me angry would be the showing off in front of friends.... it would depend on the context though. If it was just our family out somewhere then as above we probably would have laughed it off and it would be a funny story.

However we often have to remind our DD9 about not being easily led by others and 'just because we are with our friends doesnt mean we forget our rules' so that part would bother me. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MadMarchMasterchef
23 minutes ago, Soontobegran said:

I believe we need to give ourselves a little leeway when it comes to how we respond to incidents when our lives have been so altered this year. I think the same goes for children.

I would have definitely given the perpetrator a talking to but inside I would be laughing 6 months ago but these days I would have probably cried because I'd be thinking I was failing at parenting ( which you aren't).

The 'pusher' needs some consequences , the 'pushee' needs a cuddle and an apology ( and dry clothes ) and you need to just be kind to yourself.

Thanks so much, thats exactly it.  There is a lot going on in my family right now and I feel like Im doing such a poor job of parenting to boot!   :(

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Riotproof

Don’t think like that. 
 

EF2357C8-9601-4036-9626-92786F6C7020.jpeg

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
~Jolly_F~
9 minutes ago, MadMarchMasterchef said:

Thanks so much, thats exactly it.  There is a lot going on in my family right now and I feel like Im doing such a poor job of parenting to boot!   :(

Mate you came here and asked the question, that doesn’t show a parent doing a poor job, it shows a parent who is trying to be the best she can!! 

  • Like 14

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FeralRebelWClaws

Have to say I'd also be on team Laugh at it.

But it would also be combined with a "dude that's not cool, now help your sister dry off". So then she wouldn't have got to keep playing with her friends. But I'm all about natural consequences. You were silly and now you can't spend time with your friends because you have to fix what you did.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ali-song

Well, I’m coming from a place of hating the ‘BOO!’ scaring people type jokes, and I’d also be very cranky about humiliation of younger sibling in front of friends. Would make a difference how remorseful the older child was. So... I’d probably go with immediate care and cuddles for the wet child, then chat at a later time with the older child when she was more likely to be able to reflect on the situation. I’d ask her to come up with a way to make it up to her sister. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
DQMission

OP, sorry that you are struggling at the moment. 

Your 9yo was doing a very normal thing. I do understand the frustration though. As parents we are so aware of the 'what if's. Lakes can have a sudden drop off and hidden deep sectiond. Lakes have a lot of plant life which can tangle around a swimmer and make it harder to get out of the water. Kids who are good swimmers are still at risk when thrust suddenly into water. Id be taking the opporutnity to explain that to your 9yo. Id also be annoyed at her thinking she can use her younger sibling as entartainment, while at the sme time understanding that it seems to be a part of growing up with siblings. 

Its also just the fact that people find lakes peaceful and relaxing and to be jolted out of that by a bad decision, would be generally pretty annoying (especially if you are needing that peace to destress from other thigns going on in your life). 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ruf~Feral~es
28 minutes ago, MadMarchMasterchef said:

Thanks so much, thats exactly it.  There is a lot going on in my family right now and I feel like Im doing such a poor job of parenting to boot!   :(

I think the fact that you made it to a park with a lake with some friends shows that you're doing a great job.  I find just getting out of the house for a picnic can be a step too far sometimes!  

Be kind to you, first and foremost.  If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others.  

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Isolated Old Elf

I’d be using it as a learning experience as things could have gone very wrong. But at the same time, she is 9, I doubt many 9 yo think through the consequences like adults do. Does she have experience to know how that could have gone wrong? Was she remorseful after the fact? I think at nine they seem so grown up and our expectations of them can be more than is fair ( I am certainly guilty of this).  She was probably excited and showing off, I doubt she wanted her sister to fall in. 
and now her sister owes her 😱

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
spr_maiden

^^this.

I think you are being too self-critical,  and perhaps some of that is coming out as anger/frustration with your DD. That's so human. I think what you might need is to go easy on yourself,  and when you've self-soothed sufficiently,  follow up with older DD - curious why you did that; how do you think you would have felt if shoe on other foot; be kind to your sister when you're with your friends as it's not cool to treat her like that because others are there.  That kind of discussion. 

If it helps - I overreacted this morning with DS about a school assessment he forgot about then he wasted the time he did have to work on it.  I am feeling fragile today so that's probably why. 

Be kind to yourself OP, you deserve kindness. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ruf~Feral~es
11 minutes ago, spr_maiden said:

be kind to your sister when you're with your friends as it's not cool to treat her like that because others are there.

I have been saying this to DD about her brother, pretty much since he was born.  They love each other, but she (16) can be so mean and disparaging towards him, it drives me insane.  He just tolerates it and moves on.   And then they surprise me by going off to the movies together, or she takes him shopping to buy him cool clothes.

I don't know of any siblings who don't annoy, tease, frustrate or play tricks on each other.  Which is again why I wouldn't be too hard on her in this scenario.  She did something, it went wrong, noone was hurt.  Lesson learned.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Prancer is coming
On 14/09/2020 at 10:01 AM, MadMarchMasterchef said:

I dont think she actually meant to hurt her sister,  it was more showing off to the friends, but I would have thought that a 9yo should have the ability to make the connection that if you scare somebody standing next to water they might fall in :(

I don’t think a nine year old would necessarily make a connection that yelling boo would result in someone falling into a lake.  I must admit when I read your post, I was expecting the sibling to have shoved , tripped or something purposeful to get her sister wet.  She scared her sister to show off to friends and sounds like it was not the expected outcome.  I don’t think I would expect people to fall over when yelled ‘boo’ neither.

 

i would certainly comfort he wet child and tell the child doing the booing off.  I like natural consequences so would probably get them to assist with the mess of the wet clothes and then give their sibling their favourite toy/blanket to feel better.  And maybe do some jobs for them given they needed to get warm and recover.  

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Murderino
On 14/09/2020 at 10:10 AM, Ruf~Feral~es said:

Oh dear. I'll probably get flamed for this, but I'd probably laugh!  

 

Flame me more - I was the perpetrator of a similar joke with my DS last year no one fell in though.

In my family growing up we had this thing "tell your mum I saved you".  You'd say that as you pretended to knock someone but caught them at the same time. My sisters and I (50, 46 and 44) still occasionally do it to each other it we are out together.

Last year the kids and I were in Melbourne and walking past a fountain that was level with the ground.  I grabbed DS around the shoulders and kind of inched him forward as I clamped him back and said "tell your mum I saved you".  We all laughed and now my kids occasionally remember it as a trick to try on me.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...