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Tjljjw

Just can't do this anymore

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Tjljjw

My DS12 has always had an explosive temper and I have struggled with him and his behaviour since he was young. He is so different to my other 2 kids.

I separated from his Dad when he was about 4/5 years old and I have been a victim of domestic violence for many years. (Physical/emotional/mental/financial) Kids still see their dad and he has always been part of their life. 

A year ago we changed care for him to be 50/50 with his Dad as I was struggling with his behaviour and he was violent and aggressive and verbally abusive too. I thought having more time with his dad would be a good balance for him. 

I have taken so much time off work taking him to see psychologists, psychiatrist, paed, school counsellors and nothing has changed at all. He has not been diagnosed with anything and the most recent appointment the paed said it is just his temperament and I guess this is just based on him not displaying these extreme behaviours at his dads. We have been given some medication that can help with impulses but it is such a struggle to get him out of bed to go to school that I cant even get him to take it! (its not Ritalin as he is small for his age and an extremely fussy eater so they don't want to affect his growth)  

He started high school this year, he is a smart kid but is not engaging in his learning at all. Refuses to homework as he says if he can't sleep at school then he shouldn't have to do work at home. Doesn't care if he fails. 

With the domestic violence their dad has always drummed into them that I am a b**ch and I think my son has zero respect for me as he sees his dad treat me with no respect since he was younger and constantly bad mouth me. 

I have tried different discipline techniques, positive reinforcement, taking things away, time out etc. Literally nothing works. He just always thinks he has done nothing wrong and most of the time it is over the most simple things eg having a shower, going to bed. 

I put so much time and energy into my kids, I spend time with them, we go on holidays together, I instil strong family values and respect to them. I lead by example by the way I treat people and work hard to provide for them. I work from home so I am also always very present. 

I am sworn at constantly, won't get out of bed for school when he is at my house but when he is at his dads, I still pick him up and take to school and he is always awake and ready!

I am at the point where I cannot have him live here anymore, my other children (DS15 and DD19) have had enough too. It's a very toxic environment but the weeks that he is at his Dad's our house is so peaceful and calm and no issues at all. 

I have told his Dad today that he needs to live with him full time now as I am at the point of having suicidal thoughts because I just cant take another day of it. I feel so guilty that I need to step away but I know I have done everything I possibly can and I am getting no where. 

Today I have made an appointment to get a mental health care plan and have been referred by a domestic violence place that I have been speaking to, to a social worker that deals with trauma and violent kids. I cannot get in to see them for at least another 4 weeks as they have a waiting list. 

The paed said that I need to get the help for me now as my son is clearly not open to acknowledging his behaviour is wrong and that needs to happen before he can start making any positive changes. The DVPC have also said the same about my son and think he has built a belief system from the way he has seen his Dad treat me that women don't deserve respect. 

I don't know really where I am going with this post but I just wanted to get it out, I just cant live like this anymore. I still love my son and want the best for him and his future. I have tried so hard and failed but I cannot be abused anymore, I have had 7 years of abuse from my ex and now years of abuse from my son. 

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lizzzard

Omg that sounds awful. I am so glad you are seeing someone today to get a mental health care plan. It seems like you are understandably at the end of your tether. Hang in there xx 

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overthehill

So sorry to hear this, I too have a violent and aggressive 10 year old although he hasn’t witnessed any DV but I know how hard it is and how worthless it makes you feel. 
 

Hopefully the Social Worker can help you. 
 

Good luck

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Navy Blue

It sounds like a good idea that your DS stay with his dad for now. 

My H and I separated earlier this year. I'd had years of abuse from him, and in turn DS1, now 17yo. No physical violence (heading there though) but years of H undermining me and teaching the kids to disrespect me. DS would yell, swear, call me names. 

DS went to stay with ex for a few months and they both ramped it up. I never entered into arguments just walked away. I found once DS was gone the house was peaceful and me and the other kids so much happier and more settled. 

DS has turned the corner, I'm not sure if it's maturity or he's just sick of being caught up in his dads bs but he's now spending small amounts of time with us and his behaviour is much improved. I found I'm stronger with enforcing boundaries with him too now. When you're in the thick of it you're nearly desensitised to the abuse but once they're gone and you can breathe again you never want to go back there.

It's so hard when you've led by example and invested so much of yourself to be treated so badly. You've done your part now it's your DS's turn to step up. 

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OrangeSprout

I feel for you.. I really do.
I have not dealy with DV.
Sending you lots of strength.
You have tried so hard by the sound of it.

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steppy

Don't feel bad about what you are doing. You have to protect yourself sometimes. He is going to live with a parent and it may work out better for both of you. But even if it doesn't, it clearly is not working for you now and you have this option. Don't beat yourself up about it. 

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No Drama Please

You’ve done everything humanly possible to make things work for your son so he can live with you and your other children.

It’s not working right now so now you are just going to see if things work better living with his other parent. That’s all you’re doing, trying to find the best way for your son to live. 

You haven’t given up, you haven’t done anything wrong, you don’t need to feel bad or explain yourself, you’re just trying different options to make things work.

He’ll change a lot from childhood to adulthood, meet different people, have different experiences, have different relationships, this is just how things are right now, it’ll get better for you both, hang in there.

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Tjljjw

Thank you for your comments and support and showing me a different perspective.i now see it that  I’m not giving up I am just trying another option and if it makes everyone happier then we will achieve what we need to. Nothing is set in stone and I’m always open to trying again if we can see improvement. 
I will be part of his life in some way still but just from a distance for now. 

 

 

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