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hills mum bec

End of Life

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hills mum bec

My Mum is at the end of her life after being diagnosed with breast cancer in February.  She will pass away sometime in the next few days and I am heartbroken.

i also feel immense guilt.  Guilt that I should be doing more to help her during these last hours/days.  My step dad is with her 24/7 and I can’t sing his praises enough for how supportive he has been to her in the last months.  My sister spends a lot of time with her and she is amazing.  I spend time with her and I am freaking out that every breath she takes will be her last and she will die while I am there.  I don’t want to be there when she dies, I don’t want to see her die, I don’t want to remember her like this.  
 

The mum that I love is gone, her body might still be breathing but she’s just not in it.  It’s been a few days since she has been conscious, the end is very near.  It has happened so quick.  3 weeks ago today we were sitting in the hospital eating sushi together looking at photos of her grandkids.

Now I wake up in the morning and almost hope that I will have a message saying mum has passed away during the night.  What kind of daughter thinks that?  I just want it to be over for her and for her to be at peace.

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eponee

Oh 😢  Don't feel bad about wanting it to be over.  I was the same when my dad was nearing death - I wanted his suffering to be over.  What you're feeling is completely normal and ok xx

 

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Bereckii

Sending love to you at this difficult time.

The way you feel is the way you feel. There is no right or wrong. Don't feel bad about your feelings. 

It is very clear that you love your Mum. 

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Chchgirl

Oh I'm so sorry, I've been through this with my dh 9 years ago and it's hard.  I know exactly what you mean about the body,  it's hard to explain to people that haven't been through it.

Don't feel guilty at all. He went through about 2 and a half years of chemo and was so good, if you didn't know he had cancer nobody would have guessed.  But it was stage 4 bowel cancer, we knew it would happen one day.

He went downhill in six weeks, honestly for him I was pleased to not see him suffering anymore.

I was relieved.  I went out and had a coffee and lunch with my older daughter the next day. She was 14 then. We were exhausted and I was relieved it was over.

 

I felt some guilt about that for a while but worked through that..Don't feel bad. ❤❤

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Tunip

I don’t post often. I read this and felt with all my heart the love you have for your mum in your words. I could almost hear your voice in my mind. 

There is nothing to be guilty for. Your mum is so loved, I hope the days weeks and moths ahead are kind to you and your family. 

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Let-it-go

Oh honey, I’m so so sorry.  Xxx

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lizzybirdsworth

Oh you poor thing. It can be hard seeing a love one take their last breath. I thought I wouldn’t be strong enough to be there when my Nanna passed but I’m glad I was. My aunt couldn’t be there though and avoided the room as much as she could and that was what she needed to do to cope. 
love to you and your family 

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-Belinda-

I'm so sorry you are going through such a terrible and hard time. All of your feelings are understandable. I'm sure she would not want you to feel guilty and knows you are doing the best you can. She is loved and cared for and that is the best all of us can hope for.

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Lucrezia Bauble

I’m so sorry Hills Mum Bec, it’s heartbreaking for you. My mum passed away 3 years ago, from cancer, similar circumstances and the last few day were just wretched - i think the biological stuff, heart pumping, lungs taking in air all go on for a long time after the actual person has “checked out” - it’s horrible to see them this way, and it’s only natural that you would want her suffering to end.  She was happy with you in the garden eating sushi and looking at the photos of her grandkids, and those memories would have stayed with her, and given her comfort - I’m confident that’s what she remembered as she drifted away. I’m really sorry - losing your mum is so incredibly hard. 

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Serapod
Posted (edited)

I am so, so sorry for your loss. And for losing her during this terrible time.

My dear mother died of breast cancer in 2014, at only 56. The last week was so very hard on all of us. We went for lunch, dad, brother, sister and our partners and I said to them I wish we could smother her and finish it off, I can't cope with knowing she is going to die, but when?.  The rollercoaster is so hard.

Do not feel bad for needing it to be over.

I am so sorry to you and your family. My condolences. 

 

Edit, I was not there with my mum when she died, I had to leave. I couldn't see her die, and she died around 2 hours after I left. 

 

My sister convinced me she relaxed as she died, her body released its tension and she looked so peaceful and not in pain any more. 

At her funeral I wasn't sure I could see her in her coffin, but in the end, we viewed her, my dad, brother sister and I, we walked in side by side and then they left me and I was with her for about an hour before the service. As it turned out, I couldn't leave her, they had to take me out of the room to take her into where they held the funeral service, after it finished, I broke down and said I wasn't ready to leave her so they let me go back in after, before we leave for the wake. 

Edited by Serapod
Added more personal experiences
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annodam

Oh, so sorry for your loss!

It's hard, dad passed away in his sleep just over 3yrs ago & no one was there, mum found him.

I didn't see him at all, not even in the open casket mum decided to have.

Yes I was criticised by everyone for refusing.  My OH & youngest went up but DD & I stayed behind.

So I have this beautiful memory of him waving me goodbye in the front yard on a beautiful sunny day.

Try & think of all the happy times you had together.

That's what's important.

My condolences.

 

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Soontobegran

I am so very sorry hills mum bec.

Please please do not feel guilt, there is no blue print for how people should respond when a loved one is dying. Just know that she will die knowing that you loved her whether you are with her or not.

Thinking of you at this time.

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Caitlin Happymeal

It's so so human to want someone's suffering to be over. Please don't feel bad about wishing it would be over for her, it's awful to see someone you love slipping away. 

Grief is so complex and you are probably already in the throes of it at the moment. I'm really sorry for what you are going through, it's not fair and it sounds like the time from diagnosis til now was fairly short in the scheme of things. That's not fair either. Nothing about cancer is. 

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Lady Sybil Vimes

I'm so sorry.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to go through this. You're not a bad daughter, everything that you've said is normal and comes from a place of love. Condolences to you and your family.

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MooGuru
19 minutes ago, eponee said:

Oh 😢  Don't feel bad about wanting it to be over.  I was the same when my dad was nearing death - I wanted his suffering to be over.  What you're feeling is completely normal and ok xx

 

This.

I'm so sorry Hills Mum Bec. So much of what you wrote reminded me of the emotional pain of DS's final days. Be kind to yourself.  What you're feeling is normal and ok.

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Murderino

I’m just chiming in to agree with PPs that I can hear your love for your mum in your post and you aren’t a bad daughter. There is no shame in not wanting to witness someone’s last breath OR in thinking their suffering could be over, it’s a natural, human response.

My mum died 7 years ago this month and as I had two small children and lived an hour and a half away I wasn’t able to do as much for her as my dad and sisters. When I was able to be there I spent as much time with her as I could and did as much as I could to help dad care for her.

Like your mum our last weeks were fast - when we were told she had a matter of weeks, no more than a month, left I didn’t really believe it as she seemed very healthy to look at her.

I ended up administering her last morphine dose (drawn up by the home care nurses) and she drifted off several hours later, just as an ambulance had come to take her to palliative care as dad wasn’t coping with the final stages.

In that last weekend all we could do was sit and talk to her, although she couldn’t respond - I wrote my mum a letter filled with all the things I was feeling and read it to her (I’m crying now as I think about it). Would that help you? Even if you don’t read yours maybe getting all your thoughts out in a letter to her would help you?

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Freddie'sMum

When my Dad died my 2 sisters were with him.  I felt an enormous amount of guilt that I wasn't.  I am so sorry OP - it's an incredibly hard experience to go through and all your feelings are perfectly natural.  I wish you and your family all the healing and peace you need during this awful time.

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overlytired

I'm so sorry HMB.

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CrankyM

I'm so sorry @hills mum bec I'm been there. It's incredibly hard. I was there when mum passed away, but she was at home with my sister and I (she'd requested this). I know what you mean about the body being there but your mum not. It's okay to feel the way you do. It is perfectly normal. You want her at peace and you don't know if she's suffering. I felt the same when mum slipped into that final sleep before she left. I sat next to her and told her it was ok she could leave. We'd all said our goodbyes really the week before she slipped into the sleep. Please don't feel guilty about feeling that way, you love your mum immensely and I can hear it in your post. 

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Bethlehem Babe

Sending you love. My mum had that feeing with her dad. It’s a sign of how much you love them that you don’t want to see them suffering. 

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magic_marker

Sorry to hear about your Mum. xxx

I hope you can take comfort in the fact that she knows how very cherished & loved she is right now.

 

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hills mum bec

She passed away this morning.  I woke up about 2am with really bad stomach cramps then couldn't get back to sleep.  I keep my phone downstairs switched off overnight and when I went downstairs and turned it on at 7am saw that my sister had sent a text message at 2am saying the hospital had called her as mum was struggling to breathe and they knew she wanted to be there.   At 7.15am I got the message that she had passed.  My sister & stepdad were with her.  It all feels a bit surreal, the past couple of months have been such a blur and it all happened so quick.  I know everybody hates COVID19 restrictions but I feel like they stole precious time with my Mum.  It wasn't long after her diagnosis that the restrictions started and I wasn't able to visit her at all.  We did have an "illegal"family photo shoot in May when we found out it had spread to her brain.  I'm so glad we had that day together as a family.  By the time restrictions started easing in June she was pretty ill.  It just sucks.

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JustCurious100

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Sending you love at this terribly sad time x

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fruitfairy

I am so sorry to hear of your Mum passing.

Don't be hard on yourself about not being there. Everyone is different and there's no right or wrong way to go through all of this.

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Chchgirl
28 minutes ago, hills mum bec said:

She passed away this morning.  I woke up about 2am with really bad stomach cramps then couldn't get back to sleep.  I keep my phone downstairs switched off overnight and when I went downstairs and turned it on at 7am saw that my sister had sent a text message at 2am saying the hospital had called her as mum was struggling to breathe and they knew she wanted to be there.   At 7.15am I got the message that she had passed.  My sister & stepdad were with her.  It all feels a bit surreal, the past couple of months have been such a blur and it all happened so quick.  I know everybody hates COVID19 restrictions but I feel like they stole precious time with my Mum.  It wasn't long after her diagnosis that the restrictions started and I wasn't able to visit her at all.  We did have an "illegal"family photo shoot in May when we found out it had spread to her brain.  I'm so glad we had that day together as a family.  By the time restrictions started easing in June she was pretty ill.  It just sucks.

Lots of love to you❤❤❤

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