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Child constantly needing “help”

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PrincessPeach

Folding her own clothes is probably a bit too big of an expectation for 7. However getting herself dressed is something even my 4 year old can mostly manage (He struggles with buttons).

Similar vein to what PP’s have mentioned but would a visual routine help with the getting ready of a morning? 

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nom_de_plume

My DD (almost 7yo) is very similar.

She is absolutely capable of getting herself dressed but it depends on her mood as to whether she will/won't do it. If we're in a hurry I just suck it up and dress her anyhow because it's not the hill I want to die on.

I wouldn't expect her to be able to fold her clothes and put them away. I have DD put away her socks and undies, and hang her jackets up (she has a coat rack type thing in her room), but I do the rest.

WRT chores you need to find their currency. With my kids it is screentime. So DD has a list of things she has to do each day before she is allowed screentime. It's age appropriate stuff like make her bed, help stack/unpack the dishwasher, set the table for dinner, help feed the pets, put her clothes in the wash basket and pick up her toys at the end of the day. I literally made a checklist that's on the fridge so she (and my other kids) can tick the chores off as they go. If they're all done before bedtime they can have screentime the next day. If they're not done, no screentime.

 

 

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~Jolly_F~
Posted (edited)

She is 7... writing her off as needing to pay staff as an adult to do this stuff is a bit much.

She isn’t manipulating you, she is struggling and she needs help to cope. Just because she manages at school, does not mean she is coping with life. Kids, girls in particular are great maskers, they can figure out what is needed at school and make it work but when they arrive in their safe space, they fall apart.

It could be anxiety, it could be PDA (as reference above), it could be ASD, it could be she is seeking more connection, who knows but it’s worth getting checked out. 

 A visit to a doctor for a referral to a paed and a psych for her. I also think you might benefit from some counselling to change the way you think about her behaviour. 

Edited by ~Jolly_F~
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nom_de_plume
1 hour ago, Lady Sybil Vimes said:

Another thought: is she tired? Does she get enough sleep? If she goes to before and after school care then she may just be very tired, both physically and mentally, from being "good" all day. 

I agree with this as well.

We have recently started on melatonin (under medical supervision) because mine is also a sh*t sleeper. There are significantly less battles and tantrums now that she is getting to bed at a more reasonable hour!

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123Tree

My thoughts were anxiety and the need to be a perfectionist. My son is very intelligent but most of the time you wouldn't know it. He is terrified of making mistakes. Putting T-shirts in the wrong drawer and me noticing can just cause him to break down some days.  

Also not sure what state your in but the whole Covid stress has made my kids regress and act very immature. I think they feel like they want nuturing. 

The other thing is if she can do these things and just wants company maybe do a reward chart and if she gets ten stars she gets mum and dad time, like playing a game or reading together.

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BusbyWilkes
4 hours ago, nori_roll said:

I have a 10 year old daughter who is like this - we get there slowly eventually but every new thing is a battle.

She’s currently waiting for a paed appt for an add/adhd assessment and I do think that plays a part in it.

She fits most of the criteria for pathological demand avoidance - PDA - so I’m definitely going to ask about that.

If your daughter has any anxiety that could be playing into her behaviour, especially if she’s high achieving at school, as my  DD is - home is her safe space where her anxiety and frustrations are released.

 

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

 

Some of the info here may assist even if it’s not what your DD has.

 

Is it an ASD assessment you are waiting for with the paed? It’s just that PDA is a profile within, or part of, the autism spectrum. There are some paeds in Australia who diagnose it, but as you mentioned most of the diagnosis, and therefore study of PDA, is from the UK.

OP, is she generally disorganised at home? There is a lot of visual prompting and scaffolding provided at school when you are 7 (? Year one or two). Perhaps the tasks at home seem manageable to you, as you know she can do all the components, but is overwhelmed when it is presented as, for example, “Get ready for school”. Try using pictures or words to represent each step. Practice on weekends when the time pressure isn’t as great.

 

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nori_roll
40 minutes ago, BusbyWilkes said:

Is it an ASD assessment you are waiting for with the paed? It’s just that PDA is a profile within, or part of, the autism spectrum. There are some paeds in Australia who diagnose it, but as you mentioned most of the diagnosis, and therefore study of PDA, is from the UK.

OP, is she generally disorganised at home? There is a lot of visual prompting and scaffolding provided at school when you are 7 (? Year one or two). Perhaps the tasks at home seem manageable to you, as you know she can do all the components, but is overwhelmed when it is presented as, for example, “Get ready for school”. Try using pictures or words to represent each step. Practice on weekends when the time pressure isn’t as great.

 

Yes - ASD - stupid autocorrect.  You actually sent me some paed names thanks  :).  I gathered that PDA isn't generally diagnosed, but I thought it would be handy to mention to the paed as it clearly outlines some of her behaviours.  BTW, I still haven't managed to get an appointment - all the books are closed.  Might PM you.

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José
20 hours ago, nori_roll said:

Yes - ASD - stupid autocorrect.  You actually sent me some paed names thanks  :).  I gathered that PDA isn't generally diagnosed, but I thought it would be handy to mention to the paed as it clearly outlines some of her behaviours.  BTW, I still haven't managed to get an appointment - all the books are closed.  Might PM you.

Yes, the manual that's overwhelmingly used in Australia to make diagnoses , DSM, does not have PDA as an option.

 

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rosie28

I don’t think you’re expecting too much, my 6yo DS does all of that and 4yo DD is close, but I read somewhere that when kids ask for help it’s often them checking in with you to make sure they’re still a priority. I suspect she’d like a bit more attention generally. 

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Sancti-claws
On 30/08/2020 at 4:21 PM, nori_roll said:

I have a 10 year old daughter who is like this - we get there slowly eventually but every new thing is a battle.

She’s currently waiting for a paed appt for an add/adhd assessment and I do think that plays a part in it.

She fits most of the criteria for pathological demand avoidance - PDA - so I’m definitely going to ask about that.

If your daughter has any anxiety that could be playing into her behaviour, especially if she’s high achieving at school, as my  DD is - home is her safe space where her anxiety and frustrations are released.

 

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

 

Some of the info here may assist even if it’s not what your DD has.

 

Ohmigahd!!!  This is my daughter! also 10, awaiting an appointment for determining the correct "label" for her quirks.

I feel for you, OP.  I truly do hope that it is control issues with a strong-willed child.  Its what I hoped for mine, but anxiety in the mix here truly makes some of it soul destroying.

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