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ineedmorecoffee

Help, my almost 9 yr old is turning into a moody teenager

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ineedmorecoffee

She will be 9 at the end of the year but it feels like she is already turning into a moody teenager.

Always whinging about something, doesn’t want to do homework, thinks reading is boring and all she wants is to play roblox or watch those annoying people on kids YouTube. No shortage of attitude and back chat either.

Still into playing with toys but will spend more time on the iPad if given the chance and refuses to part with any of her overflowing collection of toys. Resists bed time and will do anything to stay up longer, doesn’t want to shower but then won’t get out of the shower - you get the idea.

I feel like we need a complete reset with the merry go round of backwards and forwards and need some ideas around what may help us. Her only currency is ipad time and she is allowed 30 minutes during the week after homework is complete, more on the weekends.

Any ideas appreciated.

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literally nobody

gosh, do we have the same daughter? lol! only mine is 12 at the end of the year. it just gets worse im sorry to say! and i have zero ideas on what to do :( 

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Bandwagon

Mine is 9, EXACTLY the same. 

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SplashingRainbows

I have found when my kids are like this that often they’re seeking connection with friends. Having a play date booked in for the weekend for something to look forward to helps A LOT here. 
 

my son also does well when he has some independence and control. I wonder daily whether I’m getting it anywhere close to right. But it is an age they need lore of it I think. Independence and responsibility. 

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Lifesgood

I have a 14 y/o DD who has been through that and has come out the other side much, much worse and a 9 y/o DS going through it right now.

And I have no effing idea what the right way to parent them is.

Keep setting rules (which they break), lose my rag at them regularly, try to reason with them, cut them a break sometimes. And sometimes just give up, let them do whatever while I drink wine.

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lozoodle

OMG just been through all this sh*t with my 9 year old tonight. I have no answers but I am so happy she has 3.5 hours at gym tomorrow followed by another 3 on Saturday so she can be away from me haha

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seayork2002

We go easy on screen time, some days he gets more other days less, we give notice when he is to come off, we have certain things he has to do or not and knows he will not get any screen time if he messes with us.

He had his moments but learnt early on arguing with me (I am more the rule setter than dh) won't get him far so we get through each day the way we think at the time.

Consistency is not in our nature same as our parents so we dont have written in stone rules as such but as i sort of put it as i feel having a nearly 13 yo is like having a puppy, the lead is loose until I feel it needs to be tightened and as I hold the credit card for his online game payments he tows the line.

The above works for us can't speak for anyone else 

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anatomicalheart

I don't claim to have any sort of expert skill with my tweens, but the following seems to help:

Food. If they start getting snarky, they're either tired, or they're hungry. And most likely, both. They seem to need more snacks.

Picking battles, and also, choosing what to let slide.  And acknowledging that they're older, and seeking their opinion on things , especially if they  interest them. 

Realizing the world at the moment is equally as terrifying to them as it is to the younger siblings who don't have to worry about being "cool", and being consistent in things like bedtimes, expectations, mealtimes, schoolwork, etc. And also realizing the wold is exhausting, and cutting them a break with things that don't * really * matter.

At the same time, allowing them to speak/text/chat to people in their lives, with an "imposed" amount of freedom- that is, they feel they have more freedom than they do as it's restricted to specific times or day and, of course, they can't interact with strangers. 

Setting aside some time each week to spend with them. Since Covid we've had "pizza and reading picnic" Saturday lunchtimes and "face mask and movie" Sunday afternoons.  Having things to look forward to has definitely helped. 

With regards to reading, I tend to take the approach that "all reading is reading"- cereal packet, book, recipe....great! And also that boredom is really good for your mind ;) And if that you really, truly, can't find something else to do you need to be given a household task (like cleaning a bathroom) until you're not bored any more. 

And although I do a fair amount of whinging in the "whats for dinner" thread about the various training schedules, that definitely helps keep them out of trouble, not bored, and tired at bedtime. 

And wine. All of the wine .

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Bereckii

@anatomicalheart I might need to print your post out for frequent reference. Looks like some good advice there!

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literally nobody

Ugh my Dd always HAS to try to be right and decides she will constantly butt in when I discipline her 2 brothers.. kill me now. 

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3rd time lucky

Honestly I reckon 9/10 were horrible compared to 12 for my DD. I think there’s behind the scenes hormones happening? My DD settled a bit once her period arrived at 11.

Hang in there.

But yes - enough food and rest, and a bit of understanding helps manage it. It helped for us anyway. 

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Silverstreak

Ah, this was me, aged nine!

Although I did and still do love reading. But yeah, it's a tricky age. Gearing up for puberty in a few years and wanting to be treated more like an adult, but still clinging to toys for comfort. Plus, if your DD's friends were anything like mine at that age, they left a lot to be desired, there was usually one Queen Bee with issues choosing BFFs on a rotating roster and leaving the rest out in the cold. And then starting to like boys, who for the most part had no time for girls at that age. 

I can't remember if you're in Vic with current restrictions, but if not, some girly one on one time, if you've got the time, would probably make her day e.g. manicure, chick flick, as well as keep setting boundaries. I didn't always like or agree with boundaries that were set by my parents, but at some level I admitted to myself that I did appreciate having them. 

Good luck and all the best! 

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No Drama Please
Posted (edited)
On 14/08/2020 at 8:34 AM, literally nobody said:

Ugh my Dd always HAS to try to be right and decides she will constantly butt in when I discipline her 2 brothers.. kill me now. 

deleted for privacy

Edited by No Drama Please
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MadMarchMasterchef

My 9yo loves to read and any type of art so I guess Im lucky there.   She does constantly nag for screen time though. 

Im finding in general fostering a bit of independence helps a lot with the attitude.  She does things like pick a meal and help shop for the ingredients and does most of the cooking (under close supervision of course) .   If she makes a reasonable request I try hard to say yes unless there is a good reason why.  This gets a bit tricky as I have a 7yo who wants everything to be the same but shes not ready for some of the things her sister is. 

So with the bedtime, she can negotiate for example stay up 20 mins reading but the next morning she has to be ready on time for school or she loses that privilege next time. 

With showers they have a 3 minute shower timer and I give them warnings at 2 minutes and 1 minute and if they aren't done at 3 minutes 30 seconds the water goes off!   (that's for a quick shower, hair washing they get more time). I found one of the issues with long showers were they were getting cold before and after, so they get to stand in front of the heater to dry off and everyone else has to stay away to give them privacy. 

We also had the same issue as @literally nobody.   I read that its a normal stage for older siblings but I found each parent getting one on one time with each kid helps a bit (I have a toddler too so not always easy) 

 

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MadMarchMasterchef
13 minutes ago, No Drama Please said:

Haha I have that. Mine claims total control over her little brother’s actions and my apparent lack of discipline.

I completely love her but she is a first class dobber who basically lists out every mistake he makes counterbalanced with how unfair it is “oh so when HE did that you did like NOTHING but if I did that I get in trouble??” It’s so unfair I hate ALL of you!!”

Bedroom door slams, tears, me second guessing myself, feel guilty, make her cup of tea, she graciously accepts, rinse and repeat...

Mine dob on each other,  the older tries to parent the younger, but they also stick up for each other when the other is getting into trouble so Im the bad guy.   LOL go figure! 

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CrankyM
Posted (edited)

Anatomonicalheart has given some good advice.

Honestly 7-9 sucked with my two. Its like a transition age and they are trying to work their way through understanding where they are, how they should act etc. Add in the current state of the world and yeah... Even my pretty mellow, calm kid who just turned 10 went through it at 8-9.

My oldest child is also very controlling and a dobber but OMG if you dare tell him he's done something wrong. He tries to be the parent too and man the number of times I've gone "you're not the parent! or the boss". The drama, the crying, the "It's always me..." The crying over small seemingly inconsequential things.

We do a lot of plain speaking after the fact. This is why I (the parent) am unhappy/upset/not impressed. This is why x needs to be done. Then they get a chance to speak about it. Not judgement or criticism, just reflecting on what has happened and what the expectations etc and why rules and parental expectations are what they are. I'll admit I'm a bit more lenient on screen time, because most of their after school activities are still not running (even though we are in WA), I'm still working more hours etc.

I also make sure that connection is still happening. Reading is no negotiable in our house, but rather then make it seem like a chore, we all snuggle into my bed and take turns reading our book outloud before bed. Or I'll snuggling in their bed with them as they read their book and then read some of the one I'm reading them (mine are 10 & 11 but bedtime stories are still important I think, sometimes even more so at this age. Also, I can finally read books I'm more interested in. We are currently reading Mort by Terry Pratchett).

I leave random notes in their room on post it notes. Or stickers (the 10 yr old likes the no drama lama ones at the moment). If I'm at work when they get home I send them messages on their iPads from my phone, weird GIFS or just annoy them gently (I sent the oldest a string of messages going, hi! Hi! Hi! High! Bonjour! G'day! Ciao! Guttentag! Hello! until he sent me one back going Muuuuuuuummmmm!)

They still drive me nuts, but I think a sense of connections does help. Mostly because they are growing and uncertain because they start to think they shouldn't be so obvious in their need for us as parents though they do still need us. And letting them know they can talk to us, or not, or just come and have a hug and a snuggle even after they have had a blow up and yelled because they feel picked up.

Edited by CrankyM
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Riotproof

I saw a post by Maggie Dent (I think) about trying to figure out your kids love language (as a receiver). It was interesting because, I think all of them apply to my kids.. though not gifts so much with ds. 

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seayork2002

DS nearly 13 still insists on a bed time story but when he was younger the only way we got him to read was to stop trying to get him to read, as soon as we left him alone and did not bring the subject up and stopped doing all the things we heard you are meant to do to encourage reading he starting reading himself

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3babygirls

It seems like 9-10 is quite an awkward time for kids. Too old for many kid things, but not old enough for much independence. 

It also seems like emotionally a turbulent time as many 9/10 year olds seem to still want/seek love and comfort from their parents but also are trying to be more independent. It seems like an inward battle of conflict. 

10 was a hard age for me, I remember struggling with a lot of feelings. Bike riding and going to the park helped me a lot. My parents let me ride my bike a bit further away and have a little bit more freedom which helped. Also having more one on one time with my dad, who was calm and quiet and was my 'safe' person. 
I remember also being more aware of what others thought and was more concerned with trying to fit in or being 'cool'. I think there is more self awareness at this age. 

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lizzzard

Yep I was going to say age 9 was a bad one for us too. I have nearly-14 year old who is much less teenager-ish now than when she was 9 - so don’t despair!

To be honest, I think the best you can do sometimes is riding it out, being available, setting clear boundaries kindly, and not losing your cool toooooo often (I probably didn’t manage the last one very well). 

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chicken_bits

I needed to read this thread today. OP my DD is the same age as yours... 9 in Jan.

Doesn't help that we're in Stage 4 lockdown in Vic and her entire world has been taken away from her. 😭😭😭

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ineedmorecoffee

Thanks for all the responses, it’s some what comforting to know that this is a typical stage we are going through. I will try changing things up a bit with the above suggestions, see how we go.

My sympathies to anyone in Vic right now with a 9 yr old 😶

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anatomicalheart

Moody overtired tween spent two hours last night refusing to go to sleep and not quite as long screaming that I was a prison warden because I had the audacity to suggest that perhaps she was tired after a very big week and really needed to have a good long sleep. So what do I know, really. 

....prison wardens do not negotiate on bedtimes with overwrought prisoners. That's what. 

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