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PandoBox

should I pause potty training with my 3 year old, or persist?

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PandoBox
Posted (edited)

DD is driving me crazy.

We started potty training when she was 2. She gets it. She simply refuses to go on the potty...

At 2 I started putting her on the potty and she would go but never tell me when she needs to go.  I took her to the toilet with me each time and she completely understands the concept by now. She soon figured out that going meant that it paused play for her and that's when she started refusing to go (even if I made the potty fun with books, toys whatever!).

I played her videos on youtube where little toddlers go potty and we talked about it.

We have tried rewards jar, a sticker jar, a lolly and chocolate jar.

We did it with her dolls. Emma from wiggles did longer potty training then any other toddler.

This morning she had to pee...she woke up saying "I need to pee".. I was like oh quickly lets go potty...she goes "no mummy I want to go in the nappy". I put her on the potty anyway and tried to convince her to go as her nappy was completely dry. She refused and sat there for 20 minutes saying "nothings happening mummy, don't need to go". I put a pull up on her and she went straight away!

The same thing with poos.. I see her doing it in her pull up... "Do you need to poo? Lets go get the potty quickly" 

"No mummy, I'm just farting. Im just farting"

I look, and of course she's done a poo!

She then started hiding because she knew I was getting her busted.

If I grab the potty anyway she still will sit there and hold her poo in and not go till I put a nappy on her.

When I change the nappy she goes "yucky it stinks mummy" and I would tell her "that's right, it wouldn't smell as much if you went in the potty".

And her being in a poopy or wet nappy doesn't bother her the slightest.

Someone said girls are meant to be easier.... who said that? :)

What to do? I am out of ideas!

Edited by PandoBox

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22Fruitmincepies

Go back to nappies. Let her decide when she wants to start using the toilet (and at 3yo don’t bother with a potty). If she’s that resistant then you’re not going to win. 

DD was able to use the toilet at 2, but then decided she didn’t want to, so she went back to nappies. At 2.5yo she decided she did want to wear undies. However she hated to stop playing (still does) and would hold on forever, and we had years of accidents. The thing that really worked was when she was going to be part of a wedding, and we said she couldn’t be a flower girl if she had an accident. If she couldn’t stop having accidents we would have to to say she couldn’t do it. She’s now 6 and still pushes how long she can hold on for. 

 

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SeaPrincess

I was going to say the opposite. I’d get rid of the nappies completely if she’s staying dry at night.  Stop making it a time-consuming issue, or a focus. Make a game out of going to the toilet - make it fast, get it done and get back to what you’re doing.

FWIW, the sticker chart in our bathroom kept me going when I was ready to give up, particularly with DD, whose training wasn’t being supported by the daycare centre we used.

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Kiwi Bicycle

DS began hiding to do a poo. In the end, on advice, I would carry him to the toilet and let him poo in his nappy there. A week of this, I then made him sit on the toilet. By the time I caught him, he couldn't hold it in. Peeing was another issue which was not helped by overactive bladder ( and he was dry at night as well) that was sorted out by medication and help at kindy.

Yes, the whole process was horrible, carrying a screaming and kicking child to the toilet and we used big bribes as stickers and lollies weren't his currency ( lego and hot wheels cars after every successful go, moving to stickers to earn a bigger set. It was only 2 months required so not too bad).

Ditch the potty, just use the toilet and a stool. Do a day trial of no nappies, the toilet training educator said it was ok to switch between the two as we don't expect to learn to drive a car first go. Also google toilet training educators. I got a lot out of a seminar, even just to know I wasn't the only one struggling, plus they have seen everything.

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Heather11
1 hour ago, SeaPrincess said:

I was going to say the opposite. I’d get rid of the nappies completely if she’s staying dry at night.  Stop making it a time-consuming issue, or a focus. Make a game out of going to the toilet - make it fast, get it done and get back to what you’re doing.

FWIW, the sticker chart in our bathroom kept me going when I was ready to give up, particularly with DD, whose training wasn’t being supported by the daycare centre we used.

I was going to say the same.  Put her in knickers.  Yes there will be accidents but she will probably decide she doesn't like the feel and hopefully start going to toilet.  

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ineedmorecoffee

I hated toilet training with a passion, dd wasn’t trained until she was 3.5 and I copped a lot of shaming from family for it.  In the end the only thing that worked was those silly advent chocolate calendars (it was around xmas time), she could open a window and take a piece of chocolate when she did a poo on the toilet.

Good luck op, just keep trying and sooner or later something will click.

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ali-song
2 hours ago, 22Fruitmincepies said:

Go back to nappies. Let her decide when she wants to start using the toilet (and at 3yo don’t bother with a potty). If she’s that resistant then you’re not going to win. 

DD was able to use the toilet at 2, but then decided she didn’t want to, so she went back to nappies. At 2.5yo she decided she did want to wear undies. However she hated to stop playing (still does) and would hold on forever, and we had years of accidents. The thing that really worked was when she was going to be part of a wedding, and we said she couldn’t be a flower girl if she had an accident. If she couldn’t stop having accidents we would have to to say she couldn’t do it. She’s now 6 and still pushes how long she can hold on for. 

 

 

1 hour ago, SeaPrincess said:

I was going to say the opposite. I’d get rid of the nappies completely if she’s staying dry at night.  Stop making it a time-consuming issue, or a focus. Make a game out of going to the toilet - make it fast, get it done and get back to what you’re doing.

FWIW, the sticker chart in our bathroom kept me going when I was ready to give up, particularly with DD, whose training wasn’t being supported by the daycare centre we used.

I think either of these approaches would work, just choose one and stop the hybrid. Take the emotion out of it (as much as possible!),  if you go back to nappies and she complains of smell etc just say ‘yes, nappies do smell, let me know if if you’d like to try undies’. If you move to undies full time and she has an accident, get her to help clean it up (and make sure it interrupts playing). Good luck!

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Jenflea

DD trained for wees in a day. I put her in undies and she had 3 accidents in one day then learnt to hold on for hours the next day. Not ideal but better than accidents. She was 3.5 or so. 

Poos took MONTHS and she ONLY got that one night when she had an upset stomach and DH convinced her to sit on the toilet one night and the poor mite ended up going 6 times that night but was trained by the next day. 

I'd put her in undies and get those cloth training undies from Best and Less or an MCN company and stick with one approach. 

 

 

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seayork2002

I am only saying what we did which was we left a potty in the bathroom and just left ds to it so  we did not 'potty train' as such  so after a while he sat on it then got bored of that and wanted to sit on the toilet this was 18 month at the start and then 100% out of nappies by 4

Actually potty training may  have made the process quicker but I didn't want the stress so let him decide

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Luci

DD was about 2 years & 9 months, toilet training had been a bit hit and miss. I was talking to a friend one day, who had 4 children and tended to have good advice about parenting issues, she was sensible and realistic.  Anyway she said "just bite the bullet and put her into a pair of undies". The next day when I got DD dressed I just said that from now on it was time to wear undies and use the pot.  I was lucky that approach worked really well, I would just casually remind her without making a fuss that she wasn't wearing a nappy so if she needed a poo or wee she had to use the pot.  From then on she was pretty much toilet trained and we didn't have many accidents.  

Good luck OP xx

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got my tinsel on
Posted (edited)

Put her in knickers.  

When she wets herself, or does a poo in her knickers, take her to the bathroom, get her to strip down and into the shower she goes.  Shouldn't take long for her to realise that it takes even longer to get back to playing than doing a wee or poo on the potty.  If she doesn't cotton on, maybe a hint from you:  'Oh no, now we won't have time to go to the park/do some painting/whatever because you need to be cleaned up in the shower.'

Edited by got my tinsel on
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PrincessPeach

The fact she is aware, I would just do the undies & then the entire rigmarole of showering off & new clothes after an accident.

I think most kids don’t want to stop playing to do something as mundane as going to the toilet, so making the accident process take even longer should make it unappealing.

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literally nobody

Id just give her undies. 

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Soontobegran
Posted (edited)

Five children, five different TT stories and the only ones that involved accidents were the ones where I was putting pressure on them by removing nappies when they didn't want them removed and trying rewards/stickers etc. Punishments are equally as damaging.

It really doesn't matter if you think she understands when she is resisting. It just is not worth it nor the cleaning up after her when it might just take another few weeks or months for her to decide she is ready. She is well within the 'normal' range and putting her into a nappy will not delay her eventual TT.

Back into pull ups is my recommendation.

 

Edited by Soontobegran
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22Fruitmincepies

I agree STBG, and it would just push me over the edge to be dealing with constant accidents as well as a kid who didn’t want to TT. It was bad enough dealing with accidents with a kid who was actually keen to TT. If she was 4 I would possibly agree with the PPs saying just to put her in undies, but at 3 I’d wait. 

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Lou-bags

Team pause.

I wrote and then deleted a post several times now because I can't figure out how to make it so that I share how easy it was for us without sounding braggy. But truly, waiting until they were ready and leading the process made it a complete cake walk each time. DS2 especially. Who, at 3ys 3mo, just told us one day "I don't wear nappies anymore" and that was it. 

There is no rush, and I truly don't believe this needs to be a parent led transition. If I were you, I'd wait. I'd just not mention it again. Don't ask her to use the potty, don't talk about how it would be better if she uses it, do not mention it at all. Have a potty or toilet step available if needed, and some undies where she knows where they are and then just wait. 

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Apageintime

I'd wait. Like a PP my son trained so fast when he was ready. He just decided he'd wear undies  one day. And then we just had to ask him 'do you need to go toilet before we go out' and that was it. He was a bit over 3. 

we had never really talked about toilet training either, daycare used to take groups of them together to the toilet. and he liked the social part of that. 

Had one accident in the first week and has been accident free since then. 

I really wouldn't be forcing it. Let her do it in her own time. 

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Kiwi Bicycle

Look I know it is a good thing to wait, but there is also a problem with waiting too long as well.  There is an optimum window age wise when kids are compliant but also begin to recognise bodily functions. At the seminar I attended,all of the parents had kids aged 3.5 years and upwards,  most over 4 years old. The educators said the window was 2.5 years to 3 years. I almost cried when I heard that.

Sometimes kids do need a push. In my case kindy, once they knew DS was taking his medication, told me to send in a heap of clorhes and they would do a daytime trial of undies.  He was 4 at the time. The first week, the whole bag of clothes plus some of the kindy's spares came home wet. However they kept with it and the next week he was mostly dry. It did require lots of prompting, but at kindy, and other kids modelling the behaviour, he got it. And maybe it was a case of didn't want to listen to mum.

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Soontobegran
1 hour ago, Kiwi Bicycle said:

Look I know it is a good thing to wait, but there is also a problem with waiting too long as well.  There is an optimum window age wise when kids are compliant but also begin to recognise bodily functions. At the seminar I attended,all of the parents had kids aged 3.5 years and upwards,  most over 4 years old. The educators said the window was 2.5 years to 3 years. I almost cried when I heard that.

Sometimes kids do need a push. In my case kindy, once they knew DS was taking his medication, told me to send in a heap of clorhes and they would do a daytime trial of undies.  He was 4 at the time. The first week, the whole bag of clothes plus some of the kindy's spares came home wet. However they kept with it and the next week he was mostly dry. It did require lots of prompting, but at kindy, and other kids modelling the behaviour, he got it. And maybe it was a case of didn't want to listen to mum.

The ability to recognise bodily function is dependent on physiological and metabolic development which occurs usually not before 2 and up to 4.5 years. This time frame is normal. I do struggle when educators try and put a shorter time frame when paediatric urologists are much more generous. I think it puts so much unnecessary stress on parents. I also think many children's reaction to being pushed will result in the opposite of the desired outcome.

 NT children just do not go to school in nappies, they may still require them at night time though but children I have found will toilet train despite our efforts in a timely manner without a whole lot of input from parents other than to familiarise them with the toilet.

 

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