Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Lallalla

Using both surnames

Recommended Posts

Bandwagon

I got married this year and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do to change my name (if I wanted to). It’s never come up, no organisations know my changed marital status. I don’t even know how family would know if I’d changed my name or not? I guess FB, but I don’t even use my official name on FB. What am I missing? 
 

I already had kids and I gave them a different surname to me (not their dad’s). 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lou-bags
1 minute ago, Bandwagon said:

What am I missing? 

What do you mean what are you missing? What the process is for changing your name to your husband’s surname if you wanted to?

Well, you start using it. And with each organisation you want to change it with, you pitch up with your BDM marriage certificate and have them change it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bandwagon

I guess there is always all this changing name angst and it seems really easy to avoid having to do. 
 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lou-bags

🙄 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
born.a.girl
33 minutes ago, Bandwagon said:

I got married this year and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do to change my name (if I wanted to). It’s never come up, no organisations know my changed marital status. I don’t even know how family would know if I’d changed my name or not? I guess FB, but I don’t even use my official name on FB. What am I missing? 
 

I already had kids and I gave them a different surname to me (not their dad’s). 

Might depend on your family.  MANY automatically assume unless you specify otherwise.   There were even relatives on my husband's side who failed to ever address anything to other than Mr & Mrs His name.  My mother and MIL would have auto changed it if I hadn't made it clear.  Unfortunately my MIL advised all the rellies I was keeping my name 'for business purposes' which seemingly told them that they didn't need to address me by it.

If anyone you know is not automatically assuming you've change your name, that's fantastic, you've benefited from all of the angst all of the women before you have had to put up with.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
DirtyStreetPie

I think all that @Bandwagon is saying is that if someone wanted to not change their name, they could get away with it pretty easily. So if they're uncomfortable with changing their name, but they're getting nagging from their parents or in-laws, they could be cheeky and just not do it... because it's not like those people are checking the new wife's mail or credit card bills lol.

That said, I understand how difficult it is for people to withstand the weight of societal expectations. My aunty was horrified when I told her I'd be retaining my name. I laughed at her - but not everyone can do that. I know people who entered arranged marriages due to pressure. That's a much bigger life decision than choosing a name, yet people will bow to what their society demands of them... in the same way that pretty much EVERY parent I know won't dress their boys in pink. The pull is strong.

I hope I'm making sense. I typed this out pretty fast because I need to tend to my child haha.

 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bandwagon
Posted (edited)

Thanks @DirtyStreetPie, that’s exactly what I mean.

This thread is in complete opposition to the Ms/Mrs thread where everyone is saying ‘do what you want, it’s your decision’, which is all I am saying. 
 

Yes, I understand that things were different years back,  but nowadays it’s fairly easy to evade, deflect or even tell people to mind their own business.
 

But I also don’t  want to upset anyone who felt forced to go along with expectations, so I am sorry if anyone feels upset by my posts. 
 

@bornagirl I have no idea what my relatives think I have done. I’m expecting mail from some, so we’ll see. 

Edited by Bandwagon
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lou-bags
Posted (edited)

It’s not the complete opposite of that thread at all. In both people are saying do what you want, your decision.

Its only in this one that some ppl seem to also accuse people of angst and pandering if they dare take pause before making the decision, or if they make a decision differently. 
 

All I’m saying is that yes it’s a choice, but no choice is ‘freely’ made in a patriarchal society while we have the expectations and systems in place that we do.

That doesn’t mean you can’t buck the norm, many do and many go halfway (like me). It just means that if you can’t see outside of your experience and think anyone who hasn’t found the decision easy is angsty and a doormat, you’re being a bit simplistic and unfair.

Edited by Lou-bags
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
born.a.girl

Funny story.  One woman, having referred to my husband as First name, My surname, said that was exactly the same as people using his surname for me.

Erm, no, you used my surname for him, because you thought it was HIS. You didn't use my surname for him because you thought he'd taken my name.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bandwagon

I get what you’re saying @Lou-bags, in that patriarchal expectations around what women MUST do are bullsh*t, and need to f-off.

Maybe the difference with me is that I don’t care if I’m called Mrs BW (my bank for years), or if from out of nowhere a relative calls me Mrs DH.
 

I can see if you have stubbornly traditional family members that it would get tiresome to continually correct them. I personally wouldn’t bother. All these annoying traditions are diluted through the ages, eventually (hopefully) they will die out. 
 

My first post was really just navel gazing in that I haven’t changed anything since I was married. And so far, no one has changed anything for me.

Early on in my relationship my DH and I were talking about name changing after marriage and I said I wouldn’t do it, and he said he wouldn’t like that. After we got married I brought up changing names and he said he didn’t care. I think he should take mine because his is a nightmare! 
 

I’m not young, I’ve been though the years and watched how things play out. No one can do feminism perfectly in real life. This is just one area that I feel is easy to opt out of. Maybe that is my age/cultural/whatever, and anyone that isn’t able to opt out has my sympathy and support. I shouldn’t have use the word angst, it never goes down well. 
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ckmelb

So I recently had a baby as a single mother (donor sperm - unknown donor) and while pregnant my dad asked me if I would give her my surname (his surname). To which I paused and said ... "ummm, there's no other name to give her". He seemed inwardly pleased that my singleness meant another grandchild with his surname 

Having said that my poor baby has an extremely long name. 11 syllables, 28 letters (first name, middle, surname). She has a 5 letter nickname that helps but the form filling is already a pain. Something to be mindful of

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
born.a.girl
50 minutes ago, Bandwagon said:

I get what you’re saying @Lou-bags, in that patriarchal expectations around what women MUST do are bullsh*t, and need to f-off.

Maybe the difference with me is that I don’t care if I’m called Mrs BW (my bank for years), or if from out of nowhere a relative calls me Mrs DH.
 

I can see if you have stubbornly traditional family members that it would get tiresome to continually correct them. I personally wouldn’t bother. All these annoying traditions are diluted through the ages, eventually (hopefully) they will die out. 
 

My first post was really just navel gazing in that I haven’t changed anything since I was married. And so far, no one has changed anything for me.

Early on in my relationship my DH and I were talking about name changing after marriage and I said I wouldn’t do it, and he said he wouldn’t like that. After we got married I brought up changing names and he said he didn’t care. I think he should take mine because his is a nightmare! 
 

I’m not young, I’ve been though the years and watched how things play out. No one can do feminism perfectly in real life. This is just one area that I feel is easy to opt out of. Maybe that is my age/cultural/whatever, and anyone that isn’t able to opt out has my sympathy and support. I shouldn’t have use the word angst, it never goes down well. 
 

I know women are free to choose, but we're still a long way from men using the same reasons as women frequently give for changing their name:

Abusive family, long name, complicated name, didn't like it, wanted family to have one name etc etc.  All of those things apply equally to men yet how many of them ever bother?

One of my customers had an awkward married surname, and a perfectly lovely 'own' name.  She grumbled about it one day and said that at least her girls could marry out of it.   I said 'perhaps they'll go back to using your surname.'

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bandwagon

I think we are all actually on the same side here. I don’t disagree with any of that @bornagirl.

My point was that it takes a certain amount of bodily autonomy to take wedding certificate to place of business and change something you don’t want to change. I’m lazy, my name stays as it is. If people call me Mrs DH I’ll tell them to adjust their calendar.

I actually do use my mum’s birth name for a lot of things (but again, too lazy to change officially).
 


 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
born.a.girl
1 hour ago, Bandwagon said:

I think we are all actually on the same side here. I don’t disagree with any of that @bornagirl.

My point was that it takes a certain amount of bodily autonomy to take wedding certificate to place of business and change something you don’t want to change. I’m lazy, my name stays as it is. If people call me Mrs DH I’ll tell them to adjust their calendar.

I actually do use my mum’s birth name for a lot of things (but again, too lazy to change officially).
 


 

 


That's true, but unfortunately once people have one thing in a married name, perhaps for good reason, it becomes part of the ID overall, so it really has to be a blindingly clear decision from the outset.  Often that comes with kids.

You mentioned your partner eventually didn't care about your surname, but tell me honestly, does he care what name your kids will carry? Does he assume it will be his?  If you want it to be yours, you might find at some point it's the just line of least resistance that wins.  After all, if his is a nightmare, surely the answer's obvious?

I was 37 when I married (and only for financial reasons - both ways) so I had the advantage of seeing what happened to women who were going to keep their name but didn't put much effort into that.  I also saw both of my sister separated and they both hand the quandary of their name.

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bandwagon
Posted (edited)

We are well past kids! He is a fairly traditional baby boomer, maybe my feminism has rubbed off on him over the years. I’m sure I would be in for a fight if we were to have a baby though.
 

I do see the child’s name battle as a bit different. We have been talking about an adult person in this thread and what they want to do in regards to their own name. 
 

A child is named (usually) by both parents. They might have different reasons for wanting the surname ie patriarchal reasons vs feminist, him wanting the child to have a marker of his family vs me knowing who would do the lions share of raising said child (we were separated), whatever. Someone has to back down, I realise it’s usually the woman. I battled this out with FOB, and BDM made the choice for us. 

Edited by Bandwagon

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
born.a.girl
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Bandwagon said:

We are well past kids! He is a fairly traditional baby boomer, maybe my feminism has rubbed off on him over the years. I’m sure I would be in for a fight if we were to have a baby though.
 

I do see the child’s name battle as a bit different. We have been talking about an adult person in this thread and what they want to do in regards to their own name. 
 

A child is named (usually) by both parents. They might have different reasons for wanting the surname ie patriarchal reasons vs feminist, him wanting the child to have a marker of his family vs me knowing who would do the lions share of raising said child (we were separated), whatever. Someone has to back down, I realise it’s usually the woman. I battled this out with FOB, and BDM made the choice for us. 

I absolutely agree it's a different matter, but the societal pressures were the bit I was thinking about, and they are pretty much the same.

Perhaps most of the women who've had issues decided they'd go by his name publicly (ie family/school) because of societal pressure, but privately kept using their own name for all their documents.  You then can have an issue with documentation required for some things, and some may have found it easier to change it for one purpose, then found it was all too hard to have two names running, and gone with the line of least resistance.  None of that is any different from the pressure (and what's usual) for the child's name.   A lot easier to stick with two names when there are no kids involved.

My husband would have been pretty surprised if I'd changed my name. Astonished, in fact.  He wasn't a high income earner, and in a few relationships it was clear they assumed they'd be a homemaker and he bring home the bacon.  On his income that would have been a challenge.  He was delighted to meet someone who not only was earning a good income (not for him, but to reduce expectations on him) and was fully determined to keep doing so.   A child though?  I've zero doubt if I'd said to him 'easier to give her your name, that's fairly standard', he'd not have batted an eyelid.   Using mine?  He balked a bit.  I suggested tossing a coin.  He thought that was way too cavalier.   So she's got both, and it's 15 letters plus a hyphen.  If I had my time over again I'd have a naming ceremony and toss a coin.  (I'm deadly serious about that, too.)

Edited by born.a.girl
efs
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3babygirls

Hubby and I had a big discussion about who's surname to take. We both agreed that we wanted to have the same surname and for our kids to share the same surname.

We both agreed to take my surname as he said he wasn't bothered and had no real love for his surname. It seemed easy in theory until he started the process and it was a huge issue for his work. He has qualifications and security clearances that were quite difficult with a name change, he was happy to still continue with that but I told him that it would be easier if we just took his name. I was still doing some study etc. that I hadn't finished yet, so it was the easier of the two paths. Sometimes hubby does say that he wishes that he'd just done it and changed to my surname, but i'm happy enough with our decision. 
His main suggestion was actually for both of us to take his mothers surname which he liked much more, but I really didn't want to do that at all. 

I was happy that he was willing to change his, I know most of my friends husbands wouldn't entertain the idea. Ultimately we both just wanted to share the same surname, no matter which one it was. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lallalla

Thanks for all the feedback on how it went for you. There are almost too many options  now (both double barrel, create 1 new name from 2 old ones, both take her name, all have different names, use different names in different circumstances...). I have a sneaking suspicion I will never officially change my name, maybe I’ll just use theirs (DH and kids) unofficially or maybe I’ll get a bee in my bonnet again and get around to changing it.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Announcements

×
×
  • Create New...