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Lallalla

Using both surnames

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Lallalla

My children all have DH’s surname partly because I I didn’t want to give them very long names, and partly because my name is very common (think Smith or Johnston) and his is not.

But it is my name and so I never changed mine because it’s part of who I am. But now I kind of wish I had the same name as the kids.

I’ve read you can use both names together not hyphenated with just your marriage certificate (to hyphenate it has to have a separate name change form filled in). 
So I was thinking of doing that, even though obviously it would not be “exactly” the same.

Problem being I have 2 middle names and each name involved has 2 syllables so I would end up with 5 names/10 syllables.
 

If you have done this did you find you could then use one or the other name depending on the circumstance (e.g. your work vs Kids school).

Am I mad for considering this?

 

 

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Lou-bags
Posted (edited)

I'll be following this discussion with interest.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation - except that I did change my surname, but not everywhere. So some places (mostly work, but also passport and D/L) are in my own surname. But then health insurance, medicare, tax office, insurances, house etc are in my married name.

I've been toying with the idea of changing my name at all the places that have my married name to Lou-bags middlename myname hisname with no hyphens, just like you've said.

I've actually used it like that before (both names together, no hyphen), and it was fine. But I'm baulking at doing it 'officially' for some reason. 

 

Edited to add that I have had only one actual problem having two different surnames in nearly 10 years of marriage. And that was when our mortgage broker put my married name on our loan application (and I don't have any ID in my married name) so it was a bit of a stuff around having to go in and prove who I was.

Everywhere else people and systems seem to cope just fine. 

Edited by Lou-bags

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Franny and Zooey

I am the opposite I married change my name.  Then got divorced and changed it back to my maiden name.  Kids have their dads name.  Makes no difference to me or them.  I would never change my name again and would encourage my girls not to.  I

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CrankyM

I can tell you know if you do both names use a hyphen. I can’t tell you how many times I had to get things fixed because I was missing that little bit of punctuation. I also had the added bonus of my last name containing a French surname. So imagine the name as “English Le French”. I have multiple offical documents sent out as Ms French. And so much paperwork to fix it up. Yet my parents stuck a hyphen in my double middle name :rolleyes: 

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Mumsyto2
Posted (edited)

Never understood the angst with all of this. 
I have my surname. DH has his. The kids have something else - took letters from both our names and made a new one. Never caused any issue. They knew we were their parents, everyone else knew we were their parents. Never any red tape anywhere. No issue with any Govnt Dept’s etc. Obviously some people do wonder as we have had a few sharp people over the years go ‘ohhh, I get it, it’s using the letters from both of yours’ :) .

The important thing with our kids is that they have the same surname as each other. They do like this aspect. They don’t care a jot they have a different surname to us but it’s important to them they have the same as their siblings. One of mine said if they ever have kids it will automatically be the mothers surname in case of death/divorce as they would then hope the mum would do the same with the next partner so siblings would all match. 

 

Edited by Mumsyto2
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Lou-bags
1 hour ago, Mumsyto2 said:

Never understood the angst with all of this. 

This is unnecessarily dismissive.

We live in a patriarchy where each of us experiences varying degrees of pressure and comment and judgement when it comes to surnames after marriage and children. And some of us make different choices in response to that.

Wanting to discuss possibly changing ones mind after making one choice or other, and what people’s experiences of this are like is not ‘angst’.

I’m glad, no snark I really am glad, that it was a straightforward choice for you with no fall out for you and no regret. 

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Ozquoll

I probably should change my surname to DH's surname one of these days 🤔. His is short and easy to spell, mine is one of those impossible German names. And DH's surname sounds good with my first name. OTOH, it's easy to leave it as is, and DH and DS are not fussed that I have a different surname 🤷.

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Mumsyto2
1 hour ago, Lou-bags said:

I’m glad, no snark I really am glad, that it was a straightforward choice for you with no fall out for you and no regret. 

But it can be a straightforward choice if we want it to be. 
 

My DH’s parents were quite horrified by it all as they, for some reason, assumed I would change my name. Obviously the kids having a different name again was stroke-inducing. But so what? Why would anyone care what anyone else thinks? If my DH had of expressed an opinion on my own name, what I want to call myself, what I wanted to be known as, let alone kicked up a fuss he would not have been my DH as anyone who thought it had anything to do with anyone other than myself would have been kicked to the curb. Obviously there had to be agreement with the kids surname though. Again, if he had automatically considered it HAD to be his then I would have wondered how the heck I had married him. 
 

My parents were hilarious, they just said, it’s sensible as it will save you changing it back when you get divorced. They also thought the kids should have had mine, again it would then match mine when we were divorced. That was over quarter of a century ago. Again, why would anyone listen to others or take it into account? 

 

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22Fruitmincepies

You can be known by your married name without changing your name, and keep your name and use it for official stuff. So the school could just call you Mrs DH, while your passport says Ms Lallalla. I’m the other way around - I changed my name officially, but kept my name for work (as I had already published under that name). Apart from having to make sure flights for work were booked in my married name, there were no issues. 

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Lou-bags
10 hours ago, Mumsyto2 said:

But it can be a straightforward choice if we want it to be. 
 

My DH’s parents were quite horrified by it all as they, for some reason, assumed I would change my name. Obviously the kids having a different name again was stroke-inducing. But so what? Why would anyone care what anyone else thinks? If my DH had of expressed an opinion on my own name, what I want to call myself, what I wanted to be known as, let alone kicked up a fuss he would not have been my DH as anyone who thought it had anything to do with anyone other than myself would have been kicked to the curb. Obviously there had to be agreement with the kids surname though. Again, if he had automatically considered it HAD to be his then I would have wondered how the heck I had married him. 
 

My parents were hilarious, they just said, it’s sensible as it will save you changing it back when you get divorced. They also thought the kids should have had mine, again it would then match mine when we were divorced. That was over quarter of a century ago. Again, why would anyone listen to others or take it into account? 

 

Seriously. Your experience is not everyone else’s experience.

Like I said before, we all have a unique experience of growing up and becoming an adult and making choices within a patriarchal society. And we all make choices in that context.

And for some of us, some of those choices are not as easy or straightforward as they are for others.

Can you really not comprehend that ‘but it was easy for me so it’s easy’ it’s so very simplistic? 

 

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Lallalla

I don’t understand the mothers surname so if divorced future siblings have same name - what about Future siblings on the dads side? Don’t they count? Also that assumes the children will live mostly with their mother - which is not always the case.

Also my post wasn’t about listening to others or others expectations. 
 

it was, this is what I am thinking of doing because I WANT to, am I mad (to consider having 5 names) and if you did the same thing how well did it work out? 

 

 

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appledumpling

I know it is not quite what you were asking I have two middle names, and have used both my married and maiden names since being married in 27 years ago. I don’t use both together but maiden for all thinks work related, including an account, professional registration, etc, and married in my private life.

I fairly rarely use all 3 names (first name and 2 middle names) but they exist in places.

I have never had any issues, all are my legal names, this  including getting various police and working with children’s checks. 

I come across a lot of names, and have seen what you suggest, most systems can deal with it, there seems to be more of an issue if you only have one name as some cultures do.

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Jane Jetson
18 hours ago, Mumsyto2 said:

But it can be a straightforward choice if we want it to be. 
 

My DH’s parents were quite horrified by it all as they, for some reason, assumed I would change my name. Obviously the kids having a different name again was stroke-inducing. But so what? Why would anyone care what anyone else thinks? If my DH had of expressed an opinion on my own name, what I want to call myself, what I wanted to be known as, let alone kicked up a fuss he would not have been my DH as anyone who thought it had anything to do with anyone other than myself would have been kicked to the curb. Obviously there had to be agreement with the kids surname though. Again, if he had automatically considered it HAD to be his then I would have wondered how the heck I had married him. 
 

My parents were hilarious, they just said, it’s sensible as it will save you changing it back when you get divorced. They also thought the kids should have had mine, again it would then match mine when we were divorced. That was over quarter of a century ago. Again, why would anyone listen to others or take it into account?

Nonsense. Nobody makes decisions in a vacuum.

People care what other people think for a whole bunch of reasons and it informs everyone's decisions, including yours (for example, if your DH had automatically considered you HAD to change your name you would wonder how you married him... see? You care what someone else thinks right there).

I wanted to change my stupid horrible maiden name when I turned 18, but the parents said they'd disown me so there went that idea. I took the first socially-sanctioned chance I got to change it, ie nick it off DH. It's not a feminist decision and I own that. It was a selfish decision made for my own wellbeing within the bounds of a patriarchy, like many other people's decisions on the matter. As PP said, ‘but it was easy for me so it’s easy’ is a silly argument.

Anyway OP that was my original idea - keep the yucky maiden name (I hate the term "maiden name," am I the only one?) as a hidden name for feminist purposes, change the one I actually used to the one I'd newly liberated from DH. Sadly the drivers' licence people refused and said I was only allowed to change, keep or hyphenate. I'm still not entirely convinced they weren't fibbing.

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born.a.girl
5 minutes ago, Jane Jetson said:

Anyway OP that was my original idea - keep the yucky maiden name (I hate the term "maiden name," am I the only one?) as a hidden name for feminist purposes, change the one I actually used to the one I'd newly liberated from DH. Sadly the drivers' licence people refused and said I was only allowed to change, keep or hyphenate. I'm still not entirely convinced they weren't fibbing.

No, I flatly refuse to use it, especially given I've never changed it for anything.  I've had people insist it's because I'm 'keeping my maiden name', um nope, I'm just keeping my name and it doesn't need another name.  It wasn't a 'maiden' name beforehand and it isn't now.

For others who don't like it, but did actually change their name, but don't want to refer to their birth name as their 'maiden name', I'd suggest going with 'my own name'.  Obviously if you're fine with 'maiden' then no problem.

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Mumsyto2
1 hour ago, Jane Jetson said:

People care what other people think for a whole bunch of reasons and it informs everyone's decisions, including yours (for example, if your DH had automatically considered you HAD to change your name you would wonder how you married him... see? You care what someone else thinks right there).

But that doesn’t mean it must dictate your decisions though. I would also distinguish ‘caring what another thought’ (as in I would have ditched DH if he thought I would change my name) to pandering to others due to ‘caring what they thought (as in changing my name, even though I didn’t want to, because that’s what someone else wanted).  
 

We do have choices, we always have a choice. Sometimes that choice may have other consequences. For instance at 18yo you chose to pander to your parents which is understandable given the alternative was likely losing a roof over your head, financial support if going through uni etc. However by the time you were married you were presumably a fully functional adult so leading up to that point pandering to them was solely about not wanting to upset someone as opposed to ‘survival’ as was the case when younger. That’s what I was getting at in my previous post, lots of people wave their arms around and say not choice’ but the reality is people are kowtowing because they just don’t want to upset someone. I do understand children being in this situation and the claim being valid but adults? 

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LightPink

I did what you’re thinking of doing. So my surname on 90% (rang out of being bothered-ness to get to those last few lol) of things is First Middle Maiden DH Surname, no hyphen. The no hyphen thing can be annoying, some systems drop a name off with no hyphen and so many people can’t seem to get the yes it’s double barrel but no hyphen bit. But I was never ever going to be just DH surname (and I hate when I get called it only) so this is the solution I was happy with.  

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Jane Jetson

Yes. Because again, nobody lives in a vacuum.

Mine is just one example. Just like most of the rest of us, I'm navigating my way through an environment where sometimes the only choice is between two unpalatable alternatives: which is why your initial assertion is nonsense.

I find it sad and strange that the only reasons you can list for me seeking peace with my parents is for financial and material gain and not because I, y'know, loved them or anything. I have enough estranged relatives as it is without throwing away people I love despite their flaws.

Adults understand that their own experience is not universal, and are able to understand that others make different decisions, for different reasons, and may have different arrays of options to choose from.

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Lou-bags

Oh give it a rest Mumsy (ironic user name by the way). Your tone is patronizing and your argument is weak. 

 

 

 

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Prancer is coming
Posted (edited)

I think Mumsyto2 has some good points and is not being snarky.  I just could not face the idea of using DH’s surname just because he was the male.  My feminist ideals were more important than the wrath of others.  I get we don’t live in a vacuum and the wrath I got was manageable.  For things to change in society, it does rely on people going against the norm, which for some may be easy and for others may be hard.  
 

I do think it is important to put out there that there are other options.  I still remember reading a wedding magazine around the matter that suggested if you wanted to keep your name and he did wanted you to take his,  you should think about the reason you are getting married and if you really love him, you should be happy doing something to make him happy.  Whereas I think people who don’t change their name can still be portrayed as raging feminists busy burning their bras.

 

OP, I don’t think syllables matter.  It is not very often your whole name is read out.  My DH goes by a name that is not his legal name and it is a real PITA remembering what agency we used his legal name with and what  his preferred name.  When I am asked his name, my response is usually ‘um’ and then I think they must be wondering why I can’t even answer that basic question!

Edited by Prancer is coming
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crankybee
On 20/07/2020 at 8:37 PM, CrankyM said:

I can tell you know if you do both names use a hyphen. I can’t tell you how many times I had to get things fixed because I was missing that little bit of punctuation. I also had the added bonus of my last name containing a French surname. So imagine the name as “English Le French”. I have multiple offical documents sent out as Ms French. And so much paperwork to fix it up. Yet my parents stuck a hyphen in my double middle name :rolleyes: 

YES this 100 times! You need the hyphen otherwise one surname gets left off. The hyphen ties them together. 

I have my name, my husband has his, the kids have hyphened. 

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CrankyM
28 minutes ago, Prancer is coming said:

My DH goes by a name that is not his legal name and it is a real PITA remembering what agency we used his legal name with and what  his preferred name.  When I am asked his name, my response is usually ‘um’ and then I think they must be wondering why I can’t even answer that basic question!

This was several family members. They go by middle names or nicknames that have nothing to do with their actual names. Really hard when a person has been called Olivia for their entire life but their legal name is Adelaide. 
 

as for changing names. I will admit pretty much the only reason I changed mine was because I was sick to death of the length of my full name. Think two syllable first name, three syllable-(hyphen)one syllable middle Name, 3 words totalling 4 stables last name. At least I could cut the last three words off and go with one that was similar to part of my last name...

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mumpteen

My kids have the two surnames, no hyphen thing. I can recall maybe twice where they've been referred to as Child Surname1 Surname2 but that was our intention - just use the one surname but have the other one for ... connection I suppose. Easier family tree searching for future generations perhaps.

I took DH's surname because mine was three syllables and annoying and I couldn't wait to get rid of it. I had joked about shopping around for a good surname when I was younger. DH/our surname now isn't awesome but it's only one syllable - yay! I also have a third name that's a family surname and chose not to keep my maiden name in the mix, partly because of the five names thing and also, as previously stated, I didn't like my surname so felt no need to keep it. However, my original four names are 10 syllables and that in itself didn't bother me. It was pretty rare to hear my full name out loud anyway.

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Gudrun

If there were one simple solution to all this we would all do it.    It's peculiar to individual situations and tastes.

All I know is that if you have got a heap of names or often more specifically heaps/several heaps of syllables you have to work out practically how you are going to manage them.   And consider this for the kids in particular.   

The order of names can be a question and how we think of naming.    If you look at it as all the names are given names it can be a bit easier and then the next generation can look at it the same way.   I like that bureaucracy these days isn't fussy.

Maybe one day there'll be no more marriage and no more name implications associated with it and parents just puddle around with names they think are cool or meaningful and come up with mellifluous and manageable combinations.

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born.a.girl

^^^ Or name them like my husband's friends does with his cat.  He's up to Three.

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Hon Lady Monteagle
Posted (edited)

Another vote for "maiden name" hate.  No, it's not my maiden name, it's my ... NAME.  Oh, you think my mother's maiden name is a good security question?  How about if it's her ... NAME.  Little less secure. 

Anyway.  The one time I've found it useful to have the same name as my child was when travelling with him into a foreign country, just the two of us.  When the nice border control man queried how he could be sure I was really the child's parent, I pointed out that the child's middle name did rather match my surname, and given how unwieldy is said name, that was an unlikely coincidence. 

I do also like getting the kids' middle names (my "maiden name"... er, my surname) whacked into certificates that relate to the talent they inherited from me.  To me, that's meaningful. 

Edited by Hon Lady Monteagle
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