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Meepy

Off colour video sent to 11yo

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Meepy

Just had a strange situation.  I am using my daughters iPad to access eb and a message popped up from a girl she knows with a YouTube link to a video at 11.20pm.

it is from a girl who is a year older and at high school.  They are acquaintances, through mutual friends and don’t normally communicate.  I clicked the video link and it is to a sweary old man who is profusely swearing and calling people bastards, using the f word etc.  I immediately sent a message back saying that I was her mum and would be letting her parents know.  The response was laughter, followed by I know you are joking etc.  I didn’t respond to the new messages.

I then took a photo of the messages and sent it to her mum, who I know.  The daughter then sent an apology message and the mum sent one too.  
Questions- should I have left it, should I have waited until tomorrow? Have I caused a problem for my daughter going forward?

i just went into work mode, as I often deal with students making poor decisions.   As far as I’m concerned, it is over now but I am questioning whether I overreacted.

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Meepy

I might delete the post later for privacy reasons so please don’t quote.  I am interested in the responses though.

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kim11

I think you did the right thing. It was brought to their attention. I am sure the Mom had a discussion with her daughter and now it is over. You have not said your daughter can no longer speak to this girl. It was a learning moment for all of you. I would have done the same thing and hope other parents would too. 

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rainycat

I would of done the same thing then moved along, I think her Mum handled it well. 
 

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Expelliarmus

Seems like an okay reaction to me. 

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WaitForMe

I'd need to see the video but an old man swearing just sounds crass to me it doesn't sound like something to get someone in trouble over.

 

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Mister Mum

As long as your daughter doesn't go to that high school next year, I wouldn't worry about it.

If she does, then yes she might have a battle on her hands.

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Dadto2

My 11 year old has an Ipad but it is quite restricted i.e no youtube access, limitations to who she can message etc it just cuts out a crap load of drama. Ipads became compulsory in year 5 and issues started straight away with kids accessing inappropriate content on youtube, inappropriate messages, bullying etc We are not anally retentive parents, but this was a complete nightmare. Much better with the restrictions in place and we don't have to monitor and check what she's been accessing on her Ipad.

Re your daughter, you can contact the parent, but there will be other kids sending inappropriate messages and videos.

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kimasa

I remember when I was 12-ish my cousin sent a photo of one of the Blink 182 members peeing on a police car to me via our family bigpond address.

Oh my were we in trouble! 

I kind of would look at it like that. Probably no malice intended, and we were good kids, we just thought it was funny and *scandalous* so shared. She probably did think you were your daughter and were joking with her, and probably regrets her reaction now.

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Crap Napper

I think it's probably a lesson the other girl should learn while the stakes are low. Now she knows that devices aren't necessarily private, and that what is amusing to one is offensive to others. Better now than sharing nudes later.

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magic_marker
40 minutes ago, Dadto2 said:

 

Re your daughter, you can contact the parent, but there will be other kids sending inappropriate messages and videos.

One person has said it's not okay. It will take more than one. 

That comment sounds defeatist to me.

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No Drama Please
31 minutes ago, Crap Napper said:

I think it's probably a lesson the other girl should learn while the stakes are low. Now she knows that devices aren't necessarily private, and that what is amusing to one is offensive to others. Better now than sharing nudes later.

Absolutely, they’re only kids but sending a video and getting in trouble by it being intercepted by someone who saw it accidentally is a really valuable thing to learn. Makes you think twice about what you send regardless of content.

I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it when you see the mum or daughter or anything, more like “hey honey just be careful what you share online!” Kind of thing. She doesn’t need to be embarrassed but she does need to learn.

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seayork2002

I would have said to my ds if it happens again please let me know then I may have said something to the other other childs parent

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Lifesgood

Absolutely appropriate at your DDs age.  Reassess as she gets older.

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Ruf~Feral~es

Taking this scenario a few steps further - my DS has been playing games with friends online since around that age, using a chat function as well.  

Whilst some of their conversation was a little crude (but fairly age appropriate), they were all aware that we as parents had access and there should be no secrets.  Also that they should always tell us (this was all the parents, not just DH and I) if there was something that they were uncomfortable with, or someone was sending things that were rude, inappropriate etc.

It was through this channel that one of the boys told his parents that my DS was making comments about 'not wanting to be here anymore' and 'things would be better for everyone if I died'.    The parents took screenshots and told me about it.  We were able to get him help, which is continuing to this day (he's now 15).  I am so grateful to that child and his parents, and very glad that we enabled him to have that communication channel with his mates.

Slightly off topic - but what I'm trying to say is that these kids are just learning how to deal with stuff that happens online.  I think it is important that they know that they will not get in trouble for 'dobbing' if something is uncomfortable or wrong, and they need to not get in trouble from their friends as well.  There will always be a level of things that are inappropriate, but we as parents also need to not overreact or ban things.  Just help them learn what's OK and what's not.

OP - I think you definitely did the right thing.  

 

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ContentedFleur

I think you reacted perfectly, as did the other girl's mum. Both kids will have learned a valuable lesson. Well done. 

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Luci
1 hour ago, Crap Napper said:

I think it's probably a lesson the other girl should learn while the stakes are low. Now she knows that devices aren't necessarily private, and that what is amusing to one is offensive to others. Better now than sharing nudes later.

I agree. We had a similar situation with DD a few years ago, another parent saw something that she posted on Instagram and spoke to me about it. I follow DD's account, I had seen the post, agreed it was inappropriate and already taken it down. 

Anyway I didn't get DD in trouble over it but tried to ensure she learnt a vital lesson from the mistake by reminding her that once you send or post something anyone can see it. And that what is funny to one person might be offensive to others.  And that this sort of thing lands people into a lot of trouble at times!

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PuddingPlease
4 hours ago, WaitForMe said:

I'd need to see the video but an old man swearing just sounds crass to me it doesn't sound like something to get someone in trouble over.

 

I agree, my kids are younger but I can't imagine being too concerned about an 11 year old sending a video with a lot of swear words unless there was violent or sexual content too. To be honest, I saw the thread title and was expecting something far more concerning. I can't imagine any specific problems for your daughter going forward but I'd imagine that group will be pretty careful to avoid sending her any other videos from now on.  

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MadMarchMasterchef

I would be likely to assume the person has been hacked and Id probably have called them and warned them!!!! 😦

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MadMarchMasterchef
1 hour ago, Lifesgood said:

Absolutely appropriate at your DDs age.  Reassess as she gets older.

Really offtopic but your avatar cracked me up.  I was just looking at those LG Neochef Microwaves haha

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Dadto2
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, magic_marker said:

One person has said it's not okay. It will take more than one. 

That comment sounds defeatist to me.

Maybe. I know with my DD11, we had dozens of kids forwarding all sorts of stuff, videos, inappropriate comments, bullying, the easy option was to take messaging away.  Teachers were also informed. 11 year olds are too young (IMO) to have unsolicited access to internet devices. Some parents are fine to let their young kids use 18+ apps, then deal with it when it becomes a problem i.e a random adult starts messaging them  via the app. That seems a little bit too late? Why not save all the drama and ban apps that are not age appropriate and restrict devices?

Edited by Dadto2
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jayskette

I would make sure DD knows about links and how to tell which are legit.

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Ruf~Feral~es
54 minutes ago, Dadto2 said:

Maybe. I know with my DD11, we had dozens of kids forwarding all sorts of stuff, videos, inappropriate comments, bullying, the easy option was to take messaging away.  Teachers were also informed. 11 year olds are too young (IMO) to have unsolicited access to internet devices. Some parents are fine to let their young kids use 18+ apps, then deal with it when it becomes a problem i.e a random adult starts messaging them  via the app. That seems a little bit too late? Why not save all the drama and ban apps that are not age appropriate and restrict devices?

There is a vast difference between 18+ apps and using a messaging service.  And I don't think anyone is saying "unsolicited access to internet devices".  

Yes, there is a lot to deal with when kids start using social media and the internet in general.  I don't think blanket bans on access is helpful.  It takes more effort to police it and talk them through every situation, but I believe supported use and access at 10/11 years of age helps them manage their own usage and others when they get to 16, 18+.

Sometimes the 'easy option' isn't the best option.

I now have a 16 year old DD and 15 year old DS (who has anxiety and depression, with treatment due to the scenario I posted above).  We have constant and open conversations about their social media use, which is especially important now that they are on Insta, TikTok and all the other stuff floating around.  They are open about what they are being sent, which people they have blocked and why, as well as my contstant checking that they actually KNOW the people they are following or friending etc.

All of this has been possible, in my opinion, because we laid ground rules and boundaries when they were young.  It didn't just happen overnight when they turned 13 or 15 or whatever age you choose.  It's like going to the park alone, crossing roads etc - you build their abilities to manage the world slowly.  

They also know that they can trust my reaction.  Even though something might 'freak me out', they know I won't ban it, or confiscate devices, or make life more difficult.  And I have more trust in them, because I am 'in the loop' with what is going on with them, their friends etc.  I know I don't see everything, but enough that I am comfortable with the way they are handling things to date.

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Chicken Pie

i think what Ruf~Feral~es says is really key, we helping them learn and navigate appropriate online behaviour etc, it is a comms channel where there is support as well

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Meepy

Thanks all, your responses are appreciated.  My kids think I overreacted but I’m feeling comfortable with it now. 

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