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limakilo

20 y/o living at home, what does your young adult do to contribute?

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DQMission

19yo DS here with multiple disabilities and who is studying full time and receives a disability support pension. He pays $50 a week board plus covers his own phone and anything beyond basic clothing. The only difference between what I expect of him compared to his 16yo brother (who also has multiple disabilities) is board as 19yo receives an income. I have made his board reasonably low because he saves well and consults me about spending. If he was extra irresponsible I'd probably insist he pays more and put half of it into a savings account while he developed better financial self discipline.

In our home, anything done around the house is framed as contributing to the running of the household, which is something we all benefit from and so it is something we all contribute to. Off hand my kids both do the following each week:

make a family meal x1

wash dishes x3

hang out washing x2

empty or fill inside and outside bins x1

anything else I ask as it arises (19yo took 16yo shopping for new shoes and to get a haircut a couple of days ago as I cant walk through shops etc and 16yo needs support to do these things).

They are also both solely responsible for their own spaces. 

For us, it is just a natural part of being our little family - everyone needs to put in or our home stops working. If or when my kids decide they dont want to contribute to the running of our household then I will invite them to look into getting their own household so they can do everything themselves. I suspect thats not helpful for you though, OP as a step child may have had to adjust to different households and the different ways they work which makes it much harder to develop any kind of consistency. 

I dont think there is one single answer to how much a young adult should do but if you arent happy then thats an indication there is imbalance. Maybe it is time to up the cost of her board to compensate you for having to pick up her slack?

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JustBeige
On 03/07/2020 at 5:42 PM, BadCat said:

My young adults do their own washing, cook once in a while, feed the cats, put out the rubbish, generally do anything other job I ask them to do. They pay no rent. I know that will appall some of you but it's no big deal to us.  They do pay their own entertainment,  phone, public transport and clothing expenses.

Mostly though, they're nice people and I like having them around.  And that's enough.

This is generally us to. The only thing I have been doing is charging DD 'rent'.  Its a just under a 3rd of her one day a week wage, so it shows a pattern of paying rent if she can ever afford it to move out.  She really doesnt have a lot of other expenses so manages on that quite well.

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limakilo

These responsibilities were hers since she was in year 8, it's just cats and her bathroom, which is the communal bathroom that visitors use, otherwise I could shut the door like I do with her room.

She is perfectly able to do more, since she was little I have taught her how to cook, clean, be responsible for herself, it just seems the past 2 years or so she has gone backwards.

I would swap the cat job out if I could, but I just had hip surgery for an ongoing issue (5plus years of pain and heavy medication) and I can't bend over like that to do litter as my ligament is torn and I have no strength in it. I would have to kneel on the floor to do it. 

She is supposed to cook dinner one night a week when her younger siblings come over for dinner, but with the Covid issue they aren't coming at the moment, so I haven't asked her to continue.

I can't afford for her to not contribute, and $50 doesn't even cover her food for the week, so I feel that's the least. She earns good money with 2 casual jobs. Uni is a double degree but she won't study for weeks on end and then have a melt down about assignments. I just have to let her go with that, it was the same during year 11 and 12, and no amount of help from me actually helped.

She has plenty of spare time, she could do the whole house if friends were coming over.

I just feel so disrespected and gaslit. Being told "That's too much to ask" is ridiculous.

It doesn't help that "DH" and I have separated but still living together, and he's just as bad.

He said the other day, "She's 20, she's still young and learning". I had to remind him that she had it mastered at 12, and that at 22 I became her full time carer, and I certainly couldn't just pay $50 and do a few cat chores. "Oh Yeah" he says.

Thanks everyone for your replies and listening.

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Dianalynch

Sweet Jesus limakilo, that’s a lot on your plate. Time to strike, not out of nastiness, but rather from a place of self preservation. Just look after yourself, shop for yourself,  cook for yourself, clean for yourself, only your own laundry, everyone else pays for and does their own groceries etc. Then divy anything else up like you would in a share house.  
 

 

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Ellie bean

Oh with that update I feel so sad and angry for you :( sending virtual hugs 

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Ellie bean

I think it’s moving out time if she doesn’t change. Have you sat down with her, had a cry and told her how user and tired you feel? I would do that.

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literally nobody

I used to clean the house weekly from top to bottom, washing and dishes for 5 people and cooking 3 times a week and that was expected at 15.

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Sancti-claws

I agree - what is ex contributing also?  I think it is time to treat it like a share house - if need be a roster of all jobs and stop doing it all.

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PocketIcikleflakes

Is there any chance there's other stuff going on? Just when you say this has happened with with years 11 and 12 and now with uni it strikes me as overload. Executive function issues of some kind maybe? "That's too much to ask" might actually mean "I can't manage all of this".

If not then yeah, she needs a dose of reality.

Either way you can't very on with the way things are, but if there's something else going on it may need a different way of dealing with it.

Your ex is just being a jerk.

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Freddie'sMum

OP - that does sound like a very tricky situation for you.  I am sorry you are in pain.  I did pay board (all those years ago) because Dad needed the money to keep the house running.  Other families may not need the money to do that - so each to their own.  Is she struggling with lockdown / Covid / life or does she simply not want to help at all?  I am trying to drum into our 2 high school kids here that everything we do in terms of housework is for everyone to live in our house.  I am upping their chores as they get older. 

She doesn't sound like she has very much insight or empathy towards you and your circumstances and I am very sorry for that.

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Freddie'sMum

And a big HELL YEAH to everything Dianalynch said !

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-Emissary-

I think you need to stop treating her like a child and treat her like another house mate. 

I’d stop doing anything for her or your ex. Just focus on looking after yourself. It might mean you might have to turn a blind eye to their mess but it is not your responsibility to look after them. 

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yummymummycakes
On 04/07/2020 at 9:24 AM, Soontobegran said:

What the heck..

Why are they all living at home if they are all working?  Aside from us thinking we were stunting their growth as adults we just needed time to ourselves again. Of course we were always open door in times of illness or trouble....still are.

No damm idea! I love having them visiting but it sures is nice to have my quiet, peaceful house with just me and the 2 ASD kids.

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limakilo

A little update, I went on strike, and stopped doing anything that didn't benefit me directly.

I realised that my "Treat people how you want to be treated" theory was meaning my family were really just being slobs and I was getting so worked up over it. And exhausted.

DSD is looking to move out still, but hasn't found a place. Instead of arguing with her all the time, and having exDH tell me I was being too tough, I took the flatmate advice someone said, and told him that from now on I was only paying a 3rd of all the bills, rent etc, since he and I are separated and DSD is technically his financial responsibility. I told him I wasn't talking to DSD about it, it was up to him what he charged her, he could pay 2/3rds or whatever he liked, but I would only be paying and doing my 1/3rd.

Sounds really petty typing it out, but the freedom from that has been fabulous. My hip is healing and I'm getting my strength back, and I've halved my medication for it because I actually have money to see my Osteo more often and help my recovery.

It's meant that exDH has to chase DSD for whatever he needs from her, and I don't have to stress.

I still have to ask about the cats and feeding them so that we don't overfeed them but at least it's not at the end of a huge list.

I am also looking to move out as soon as I can find a place I can afford, so am dreaming about starting my new life at the ripe age of 41.

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Mumsyto2
On 03/07/2020 at 7:46 PM, FiveAus said:
My eldest daughter is now 30, has vowed she's never having kids (damn, I was hoping she'd have a few like her) and apologises frequently for her awful behaviour as a teenager.

Not the same but similar in that my older ones are outraged by the younger siblings (who are older teens) self-centric behaviour. Given how appallingly the older ones behaved at the same age I find this absolutely hilarious, it’s like they have complete memory loss. 

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Chchgirl
11 hours ago, Mumsyto2 said:

Not the same but similar in that my older ones are outraged by the younger siblings (who are older teens) self-centric behaviour. Given how appallingly the older ones behaved at the same age I find this absolutely hilarious, it’s like they have complete memory loss. 

My 22 year old dd is like this. She doesn't live at home but it has me roaring with laughter,  it's hilarious! Such short memories..

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Silverstreak

Well done Limakilo!

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TigerQueenofSheeba

So proud of you limakilo!!!

You got this lady and the right house will be coming along for you shortly and your new life begins!

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71Cath
On 03/07/2020 at 3:05 PM, kadoodle said:

Lets me know how inadequate I am, and chastise me about my poor parenting decisions regarding her siblings. 
 

Officially she’s supposed to keep her bedroom clean, diarise her appointments so that I can take her to them, cook tea on Saturday night, and give her cat it’s arthritis tablet.

I'm glad someone else gets this too!

DS and fiancée are living here due to COVID.  They do their own washing and cooking.  DS mostly empties the dishwasher and will do other stuff if I ask when he is in a good mood.  The house is too small for 4 of us and 3 cats so I basically do whatever it takes to keep the peace.

And well done Limakilo :)

Edited by 71Cath
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annodam

Nothing...

She's 19yo has Uni classes online, we pay for everything.

 

Actually, no I lie if I ask her to do something, she does it no arguments but no set chores or payments like taking rent from my kids, no never would I take their money!

I always hated being told what to do, so I ask not demand. 

If something doesn't get done when I ask, then the next time they ask, it does not get done.

My kids know they have it good around here, so they don't rock the boat!

 

 

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