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limakilo

20 y/o living at home, what does your young adult do to contribute?

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limakilo

I am having constant battles with DSD20 about contributing around the house.

Nearly every day we argue because she doesn't like to be told what to do, but won't do her basic chores, and won't generally be nice unless reminded that it's a basic human thing to do.

She is at uni and works, pays $50 a week rent, and for her own phone bill, petrol, clothes etc.

Her only chores are to feed the cats, do the litter, keep her room and the bathroom she uses clean and tidy, and to help with dishes.

What does your young adult (18plus) do to contribute? 

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born.a.girl

I can't say my methods were a huge success, but I still have a twenty something adult here, and it's a difficult transition.

Basically, I said there are three adults living here, and between us we share out the unpaid work.

Money situation was different from yours, and I think no one can really understand what it costs to run a place until they've done it themselves.

I'd change the conversation from 'chores' to just plain sharing the unpaid work between adults. 

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Dianalynch
Posted (edited)

I remember living at home briefly at age 21 (due to a move between cities) - I cooked 1 night in 3 (3 adults in the house), did my share of the dishes and the general cleaning eg my main job was I would vacuum and mop weekly, bought groceries, and pitched in as necessary eg tidying. I had lived out of home for 3 years prior to this, so I probably had a better idea of what needed to be done.  Eta I also did the majority of the laundry, again it was a job I preferred so I was generally happy to put a load on and hang it out a few times a week 


I think you need a discussion about  how your dsd contributes as a household member, ask her what her preferences are for contributing, and agree that she does those tasks as a matter of course as she’s a grown up and grown ups just need to do stuff, including stuff they don’t want to do. Failing that I guess she could always choose to live elsewhere 

Edited by Dianalynch
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JustBeige
17 minutes ago, born.a.girl said:

I'd change the conversation from 'chores' to just plain sharing the unpaid work between adults. 

Yep, change the phrasing to Adult and the expectations dont seem unreasonable

8 minutes ago, Dianalynch said:

I think you need a discussion about  how your dsd contributes as a household member, ask her what her preferences are for contributing, and agree that she does those tasks as a matter of course as she’s a grown up and grown ups just need to do stuff, including stuff they don’t want to do. Failing that I guess she could always choose to live elsewhere 

I did this too.  I laid out a list of things that need doing in the house and asked them what they choose to do as an adult.  I made it clear that this is what needs to be done and if they left here and moved with friends then this kind of thing would still need to be done.


Dont misunderstand, I still have to continue with the reminders and the nagging, but they dont seem to push back as much as they used to.  I think me bluntly and matter- of-factly asking "ok, so you dont want to do your own washing? so who is going to do that for you? " 

just recently we had a talk about "thought load"  too. I realised that carrying the thought load with going through the divorce and carrying their thought load was exhausting me.  So I honestly told them.  And listened to them so they could verbalise their understanding of what I meant by thought load.

As per before, this is a work in progress :)

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kadoodle

Lets me know how inadequate I am, and chastise me about my poor parenting decisions regarding her siblings. 
 

Officially she’s supposed to keep her bedroom clean, diarise her appointments so that I can take her to them, cook tea on Saturday night, and give her cat it’s arthritis tablet.

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PuddingPlease
Posted (edited)
27 minutes ago, kadoodle said:

Lets me know how inadequate I am, and chastise me about my poor parenting decisions regarding her siblings. 

Oh that sounds unpleasant, on the other hand think of how obnoxiously smug you can be if and when she has kids of her own 🤣

The best behaved kids are usually the hypothetical kind.

Edited by PuddingPlease
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got my tinsel on
1 hour ago, limakilo said:

 

What does your young adult (18plus) do to contribute? 

Not nearly enough.

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Lees75
Posted (edited)
56 minutes ago, born.a.girl said:

I can't say my methods were a huge success, but I still have a twenty something adult here, and it's a difficult transition.

Basically, I said there are three adults living here, and between us we share out the unpaid work.

Money situation was different from yours, and I think no one can really understand what it costs to run a place until they've done it themselves.

I'd change the conversation from 'chores' to just plain sharing the unpaid work between adults. 

That is the expectation in my house from 10 years of age on. My job is to work full time to support us, their job is to go to school and do homework, and everything else is everyone pitching in because I am not their slave. So we tend to do chores at the same time. For example, walk in the door, one person feed dog, one person bring in bin, other person prepare afternoon tea. 

Edited by Lees75
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Meepy

How annoying for you.  This kidult generation really need to pull their socks up.  I don’t have ones that age but my 11 and 15 year old do way more than that for no reward except for the pleasure of being part of a harmonious family.

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Kallie88

When I still lived at home from 18-21yo I paid $50 a week board, and usually cooked dinner. This meant I was also in charge of the shopping list to make sure I had what I needed and meant I needed to meal plan. My room was my space and how i kept it was my business, but if i wanted my clothes washed with everyone else's etc i needed to make sure they were out and anything going back in to my room were my responsibility.

When I was living with my in laws at 21-23yo everyone pitched in on a roster, cooking was usually MIL so I did help with that from time to time, I also often brought the washing in since i was home (1 year study online, 1 year working part time). My then bf (now dh) and his sisters would take turns dying the dishes, folding the clothes, and were responsible for their own spaces.

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kadoodle
27 minutes ago, PuddingPlease said:

Oh that sounds unpleasant, on the other hand think of how obnoxiously smug you can be if and when she has kids of her own 🤣

The best behaved kids are usually the hypothetical kind.

She’s adamant that she’s never having any children that aren’t cats.

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FiveAus

Son number one did nothing. He mostly couldn't hold down a job either. He moved out a few times, and did nothing wherever he moved to so he moved back home, cos his mates didn't want him there either. He'd cook a meal every now and then but he'd ring me with a long list of what he needed, because apparently he couldn't make a meal out of the $300 worth of groceries I bought every week.
When he was 22, he was given an ultimatum. He found a girlfriend who actually wanted him and moved in with her.

Son number two left home just past his 18th birthday for Duntroon military college. We never got to the point of "You need to do these jobs if you want to keep living here".

Daughter number one left home at 18 so she could sleep with her boyfriend. We HAD got to the point of "You need to do something more than nothing around here" but she didn't feel the need to, didn't like my rules so moved out to where there were no rules. To her credit, she's always supported herself and has never asked to move back home.

Daughter number two floated in and out like a mythical fairy (or beast) from about 17 and gradually moved out and one day I realised she hadn't been home for weeks. So I did a fairly drastic overhaul to the cesspit that was her bedroom, fumigated it and made it into a spare bedroom and decided she was never sleeping in it again. She didn't do anything much before she left except make more work for me.

They are all self sufficient adults now with decent jobs and lifestyles, so my apparent shortcomings as a parent in their teen years didn't do any permanent harm to any of them.

They were a lazy bunch though. In my next life, I'm not having kids because even the cutest baby turns into a teenager.

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hills mum bec

I wish I could say that DS19 is really helpful around the house but he is a bit hit and miss.  He will begrudgingly unload the dishwasher when asked and keep his room and living area tidy.  He doesn't mind doing any odd jobs around the house and is happy to play taxi for his younger sisters if he is home.  He doesn't pay any board but has only recently got a job after being unemployed for a few months through COVID.  He is working about 15hrs a week in a supermarket so doesn't have a lot of spare cash to pay board with.  He pays for his own phone, car expenses and most of his own food.  He will cook for himself most nights because he is extremely fussy and I got sick of either having to cook him something different from everyone else or limit our diet to what he will eat.

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Freddie'sMum

Can I just say that paying $50 a week in rent is next to nothing in real terms?   I was paying $100 a week more than 25 years ago !

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wilding

My son gives me $90 a fortnight to cover his part of the rent and then does his own grocery shopping and cooking, pays his own phone and helps with general cleaning. He does his own cleaning though. He's only on youth allowance student while looking for part time work.

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limakilo

Thanks everyone. I've used the word chores here, but when I talk with her I say contribution.

She told me the other day that when she moves out she won't have to do nearly as much as it won't be 3 people's mess, just hers.

But she's not even contributing 1/10th of what needs to be done, let alone more than 1/3rd!?

Our constant argument is that she doesn't want to be told, so I talk to her and say "I will trust you and not remind you" then she doesn't do it, and as she's walking out the door to go somewhere, I say "Cats stuff" and she yells back "I don't have time I'll do it later" or "I don't need to be told, I was going to do it later", but the cats need be fed for that day at the right time.

I'm so tired of arguing with her.

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steppy
Posted (edited)

Ours moved out pretty soon after turning 18. He had a pretty slack life, school plus part time work. Made no effort at school or at home. Could not have visitors if his room was a mess so just didn't have visitors. Cleaned his own bathroom and washed his own clothes but was terrible with leaving dishes and cups in his room. Brought in mice.  Paid his own phone, bus fares and clothing. Left home when he announced that he would neither go on to Uni, TAFE or full time work so we charged board - $65 per week. AN OUTRAGE, I TELLS YA. Got a full time job and moved immediately, lost the job in the probation period for taking 12  sick days in 3 months, suffered, got our help with rent and finally got another job permanent part time and has impressively stayed out and manages to keep a reasonably clean home for a single early 20s guy. He was one of those who refused to help or go along with the shifting status quo so needed a radical change to adjust to adulthood. He resented it deeply but I am quite pleased with his level of independence. Good on him. 

Edited by steppy
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chicken_bits
7 minutes ago, limakilo said:

She told me the other day that when she moves out she won't have to do nearly as much as it won't be 3 people's mess, just hers.

:rofl:

 

You gotta envy the naivety. 

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Ellie bean

I’d stop doing her washing, cooking for her etc. say you “forgot” just like she “forgot” her contribution! 

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PuddingPlease
6 minutes ago, limakilo said:

Thanks everyone. I've used the word chores here, but when I talk with her I say contribution.

She told me the other day that when she moves out she won't have to do nearly as much as it won't be 3 people's mess, just hers.

But she's not even contributing 1/10th of what needs to be done, let alone more than 1/3rd!?

Our constant argument is that she doesn't want to be told, so I talk to her and say "I will trust you and not remind you" then she doesn't do it, and as she's walking out the door to go somewhere, I say "Cats stuff" and she yells back "I don't have time I'll do it later" or "I don't need to be told, I was going to do it later", but the cats need be fed for that day at the right time.

I'm so tired of arguing with her.

I'm not sure it's really possible to teach someone how much work goes into maintaining a household until they've moved out and had the experience for themselves.

I doubt that's very comforting but there are just so many invisible things that need to be maintained daily. I think your expectations are reasonable though and I'd be positively stroppy if he was failing to take care of her own pet. 

What are her plans long-term?  

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~LemonMyrtle~

I don’t have adult kids. But I think your expectations are fair and reasonable. Stay strong, get your partner on side too. 

what is she studying? Some degrees are more intensive than others. When I was studying engineering, and working part time, and pulling my weight at home, it was hard work. I remember when I finally graduated, and moved out of home, and worked full time, I found that it was so much easier than what I had previously been doing. I finally had weekends off, and between DH and I (we weren’t married then) the housework was minimal.  I had so much free time.

of course, having kids changes all that, but as kid free adults we had it pretty easy compared to the study/work/chores life. Something to keep in mind.

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Luci
24 minutes ago, Ellie bean said:

I’d stop doing her washing, cooking for her etc. say you “forgot” just like she “forgot” her contribution! 

It doesn't take very long to feed cats so pretty frustrating that she won't do it. Could you change her contribution to something else - such as her own washing and the preparation of her own meals? 

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Silverstreak

If she is unreliable, I would take her off chores where it's important that she do it every day (feeding and looking after cats.) That's just setting yourself up for nightly arguments. It is your house, but maybe I'd also turn a bit of a blind eye to how she keeps her bathroom and bedroom, unless it's roach city. 

Instead, up her rent a little more, or assign her to cook an easy meal one night a week. She will learn she has it so good once she has moved out of home. One thing I would insist on is dirty clothes being put in the laundry.

To be honest, I paid for my own clothes and entertainment at that age, but wasn't paying rent until I had a full time job. I was cooking one night a week from  my teens though and regularly hung out / brought in washing, cleaned bathroom / toilet and cleaned the kitchen, as well as helped out in the garden.

I was a sensible 20 year old in some ways, but yes, boyfriends, friendship groups, fashion, hairstyles, homework and clubbing occupied most of my thoughts! Took me years to improve my time management and prioritise tasks.

Good luck!

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TigerQueenofSheeba

I think eventually these "kids" have to be shoved into a difficult situation before they really get it.

You may need some tough love to happen here.

One thought I did have was that things that need to happen at a specific time may not work. Your DD knows that you won't let the cat go hungry, so she won't really care if it gets fed or not.

It's really the things that directly effect her that will hit home. Don't do anything for her anymore. No washing, no cooking, nothing. She has to be fully responsible for taking care of herself or she has to find elsewhere to live.  

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Expelliarmus
2 hours ago, kadoodle said:

Lets me know how inadequate I am, and chastise me about my poor parenting decisions regarding her siblings. 
 

I am glad I’m not alone!
 


 

 

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