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L27

WWYD co-parenting issue

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L27

I'm stuck in knowing if I am being OTT or how to deal with this co-parenting situation with my ex.

 

I am in SA. We have consent orders but have been keeping the kids from school and self isolating at home for the last 2 weeks. The ex agreed that we would be not adhering to the consent orders so this could happen.

 

I have several health issues that put me in a higher risk group of significant complications if I get Covid19. I decided to self isolate with kids and have barely left the house other than when necessary. My partner works in an isolated way so isn't too risky for us here.

 

My ex works as a primary school teacher. His partner works as a clinic nurse/health worker. My ex has a history of DV and neglect.

 

My ex is now demanding to see the kids over this weekend. He legally has them for custody based on consent orders from Friday to Monday morning. I'm not happy with this as we had agreed to self isolate as much as possible and he has been not isolated nor practising social distancing. He's been in contact with people who have a higher risk of having or passing on the virus. He has shown through his emails and communication to not really have understanding of the situation. Saying that because I am on the younger side and a woman I'm not at risk. I don't trust him to do the right thing. I have allowed the kids to have as much contact with him as possible. I feel like the kids seeing him will negate the "barrier" that self isolation has allowed us to develop and poses enough of a risk that it's not worth it.

 

Am I being OTT to refuse to let him see the kids this weekend and stick to our original agreement?

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Prancer is coming

What does your state say about this in the current climate? My state has been pretty clear that court orders re the care of children need to be followed and have provided legal numbers to ring over any issue.

 

You don’t agree on the current issue, so not sure you have a proper agreement. So Imagine it falls back to the legal arrangements you have in place.

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Ellie bean

Not OTT at all. Whether you can refuse to send them is another question. I would get done urgent legal advice before Friday on where you stand. How incredibly stressful, thinking of you.

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IamzFeralz
Posted (edited)

Yes get legal advice. Your concerns are not over the top, I think it’s still school as normal in SA isn’t it so not the scaled down situation we have elsewhere.

 

I keep school sickness registers in my job and teaching is definitely a hazardous occupation even outside of Coronavirus. Term 2 in particular is when sick leave spikes.

Edited by IamzFeralz

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BadCat
Posted (edited)

.

Edited by BadCat

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Claudia Jean

I have been keeping my kids with me too and to date XH had been ok with that. He's not doing social distancing at all, still seeing friends, family etc. If he insisted on seeing the kids then I think my response would be to suggest that he would have to keep them and I would get makeup days when it's over. That would would deter him but he's lazy and happy being a part time parent. You know your ex though and whether or not it's wise to make a call like that.

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StillDreaming

My ex is being very similar.... deliberately not following guidelines when ds is with him so that when he comes back to me he thinks I need to have him in quarantine for 2 weeks (until he goes back to ex and it can all repeat again). He is the most selfish person I have ever dealt with and I hate that ds is being used the way he is. I feel like I don’t have any power at the moment and just need to keep sending ds as per orders.

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ekbaby

I don’t think you can stop the kids seeing their own parent because of his/his partners job.

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laridae

I guess another option is that if he takes them then he needs to keep them until this is all over. Would that suggestion put him off?

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Prancer is coming

I don’t think you can stop the kids seeing their own parent because of his/his partners job.

 

That is what I was thinking too. He is in an essential service and is meant to go to work. And if every nurse stayed home that had kids, the hospital system may collapse.

 

If he isn’t complying with the government’s rules around social distancing, can you report him? That may scare him into complying?

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PandoBox

It doesn't sound right and there has to be a way around it.

 

I know legally he is entitled.. but its not in the best interest of the kids or yourself. Its not forever, its a few months... why can't he put the health of kids and their mother first?

 

Surely the fact that you are health compromised has to play some kind of role as it puts you in greater risk. Can you speak to your doctor /seek legal advice?

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PuddingPlease

It doesn't sound right and there has to be a way around it.

 

I know legally he is entitled.. but its not in the best interest of the kids or yourself. Its not forever, its a few months... why can't he put the health of kids and their mother first?

 

Surely the fact that you are health compromised has to play some kind of role as it puts you in greater risk. Can you speak to your doctor /seek legal advice?

 

But it probably won't just be a few months in this situation. Even if we are able to wind back some of the heavier restrictions in 8-12 weeks, the virus will still pose a threat and he is a teacher with a partner who is a nurse. The option to isolate will not exist for them and the risk will always be there for healthcare workers.

 

I feel for the OP and can understand her anxiety but keeping the children from their father until the threat is completely gone would mean keeping them apart for a year or more until a vaccine or treatment is developed and distributed.

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L27

Thanks everyone. I have no idea what to do still.

Everyone has made good points. I don't want to keep the kids from him arbitrarily. I have always made sure they have a decent relationship with him.

 

I might seek legal advice and see what I can do.

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Dadto2
Posted (edited)

You're breaching the consent orders and that overrides any informal agreement you have with social distancing. Your ex's partner is high risk, if you want to protect your children you would have to deny access and self isolate until a vaccine is found. Guesstimates are that it will take up to 18 months to develop a vaccine and 2 years plus for it become widely available. Denying access for a weekend or a week or a month is meaningless. So you either abide by the consent orders or deny access until there is a vaccine.

Edited by Dadto2

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L27

I just received legal advice.

Basically there are a reasonable grounds exemption for not being in breech. Medical reasons and the fact my specific health issues are impacted by the virus and can cause serious complications including death, means that I would likely be ok to breech. A breech also only matters if the ex decided to take it to court. However, I doubt he would do that as it is very costly and it would likely not result in anything in his favour.

 

I'm going to discuss it with him before the weekend and hope he sees sense.

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L27

You're breaching the consent orders and that overrides any informal agreement you have with social distancing. Your ex's partner is high risk, if you want to protect your children you would have to deny access and self isolate until a vaccine is found. Guesstimates are that it will take up to 18 months to develop a vaccine and 2 years plus for it become widely available. Denying access for a weekend or a week or a month is meaningless. So you either abide by the consent orders or deny access until there is a vaccine.

 

No it doesn't. If we make agreements between us they have weight. The fact the ex has agreed to isolation, wants to break isolation for this weekend, then resumes isolation should tell you a lot about his priorities. Breeches also only really matter if it goes to court. There are reasonable grounds argument against breeches and they believe this would be covered due to my medical health. My ex is an a*s*hole. I'm angry. I'm sick of dealing with his illogical nonsense and trying to talk to him about anything to do with the kids is triggering and hard. I'm done.

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PrincessPeach

My ex is being very similar.... deliberately not following guidelines when ds is with him so that when he comes back to me he thinks I need to have him in quarantine for 2 weeks (until he goes back to ex and it can all repeat again). He is the most selfish person I have ever dealt with and I hate that ds is being used the way he is. I feel like I don’t have any power at the moment and just need to keep sending ds as per orders.

 

I'd be gettig legal advice on that one. Especially if you know he isnt abiding by the current stay home rules.

 

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PuddingPlease

I just received legal advice.

Basically there are a reasonable grounds exemption for not being in breech. Medical reasons and the fact my specific health issues are impacted by the virus and can cause serious complications including death, means that I would likely be ok to breech. A breech also only matters if the ex decided to take it to court. However, I doubt he would do that as it is very costly and it would likely not result in anything in his favour.

 

I'm going to discuss it with him before the weekend and hope he sees sense.

 

I'm not sure I understand, what is it you want him to agree to?

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Dadto2
Posted (edited)

I just received legal advice.

Basically there are a reasonable grounds exemption for not being in breech. Medical reasons and the fact my specific health issues are impacted by the virus and can cause serious complications including death, means that I would likely be ok to breech. A breech also only matters if the ex decided to take it to court. However, I doubt he would do that as it is very costly and it would likely not result in anything in his favour.

 

I'm going to discuss it with him before the weekend and hope he sees sense.

 

I'm not being deliberately obtuse and don't mean to be crude, but this sounds like a p*ssing contest.

 

My ex works as a primary school teacher. His partner works as a clinic nurse/health worker.

 

He's been in contact with people who have a higher risk of having or passing on the virus.

 

The only way you can ensure yours and your kids health is protected is by isolating them from Joe Public and anyone that closely works/interacts with Joe Public e.g your ex. If you are genuinely concerned with your health then you need to deny access until your ex is in isolation, which means no contact with his partner, working from home etc A 14 day isolation period for you and your kids is completely meaningless whilst your ex is not self-isolating and achieves nothing other than a potential court case and lawyers fees.

Edited by Dadto2
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L27

It's not a p*ssing contest. My health puts me in a high risk group. I'm trying to figure out if the low probability of catching the virus ATM in SA vs the potential outcome is worth the risk. If you think I'm trying to use this as an excuse to keep the kids from the ex, you're wrong.

 

We have literally been self isolating. Hardly been out of the house in the last month. That's what he agreed to.Now he wants 1 weekend with them then to resume isolation. That's not how it works. You're right. we either do isolation or we don't THAT is the point I'm trying to make.

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-Emissary-

But how long do you expect him not to see the kids for? This could go on for another 6 months.

 

Are they still keeping in contact with him over FaceTime or other communication methods?

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Dadto2
Posted (edited)

It's not a p*ssing contest. My health puts me in a high risk group. I'm trying to figure out if the low probability of catching the virus ATM in SA vs the potential outcome is worth the risk. If you think I'm trying to use this as an excuse to keep the kids from the ex, you're wrong.

 

We have literally been self isolating. Hardly been out of the house in the last month. That's what he agreed to.Now he wants 1 weekend with them then to resume isolation. That's not how it works. You're right. we either do isolation or we don't THAT is the point I'm trying to make.

 

But how can he realistically self-isolate? Unless his school has closed, he can't do his job from home. Does he live with his current partner? if so she would have to quit her job and live in isolation, if not he would not be able to see her until there is a vaccine i.e 2 years

 

I understand your concerns and your point, I just don't see how enforcing a 2 week isolation is going to do much other than cause further tension between the two of you. It doesn't protect your health at all. As soon as the kids go to his house next time, they are exposed.

 

So really what you need to say to him is you are not seeing the kids again until there is a vaccine or you work from home 100%, do not interact with anyone including your girlfriend. Then call your lawyer.

 

I am in not too dissimilar a situation, so I can relate! My ex has some minor health issues and although we get on pretty well, she is trying to dictate what I can and can't do. At the moment I am in isolation, working from home 100%, seeing no-one....

Edited by Dadto2
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halcyondays

I’m hospital front line worker, ex has health issue putting him at risk of serious complications from Covid.

He has a choice- quarantine himself from the kids for however long or take the risk that I’m out working in an essential role and, despite taking every precaution I can, may get infected simply because I am out in the community. No way I’m going to go without seeing my kids for months at a time.

 

There are thousands of health care workers and teachers who go home to their families- if he doesn’t want to quarantine himself away from his kids, I don’t think it is reasonable to force him. You, on the other hand, could leave your kids with him and not accept the kids back until whenever you feel safe.

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hills mum bec

OP, I feel like you may be putting your own health concerns over what is in the kids best interests. Take away the COVID-19 issue, how often did your children visit their father before all this? If your children do not have health issue that increase their risks if they catch the virus then I don't see how you can withhold them from visiting their father just because you have an increased risk yourself. It's not like your ex is blatantly disregarding social distancing laws in putting himself at risk, he is just working his regular job which is perfectly legal. If every parent that was a teacher / nurse / doctor / police officer etc decided to self isolate to minimise the risk to their children then we wouldn't have enough available workers to feel those essential positions. I really think you are being quite unreasonable. If you are going to withhold now then he potentially will not end up seeing his kids for 6 months at least. You say that he agreed to your isolation to start with a month ago and you are upset that he now wants to change this. I don't blame him. A month ago the government wasn't talking about isolation for 6 months plus, I think most of us had an idea back then that we would isolate for a few weeks and this would all go away.

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eilca

The department for education has remained open and states it is safe for kids to attend school, and yet you believe your ex is bringing a risk factor into your house. This is your opinion. And not based on evidence. So it does appear to be an attempt to use Covid as leverage and that is not fair.

 

I'm still surprised that with you have shared about ex that he is still a registered teacher.

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