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steppingonlego

Picking my battles 14yo DD

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~Jolly_F~

I have a very similar 15 year old DD.

 

I also have a 13 year old DS.

 

We have some family rules around technology and they are always trying to push the boundaries!.

 

During the week we have no phones or devices in bedrooms.This is relaxed on weekends.

 

The kids have some late activities, so phones are usually downstairs and charging overnight by 9pm. That goes for DH and I too. No one has a phone by the bed.

 

Weekends might be a bit later depending on what we are doing.

 

My DD is always trying to stretch it out or push the boundaries, but I feel that because she is so active, that sleep is a priority and so I do all I can to ensure she is getting enough. Part of that is not having a phone or computer in the bedroom.

 

They are allowed to have kindles in their rooms and they do read quite a bit.

 

My DD is always at me with "my friends are allowed to" but I don't care. Their parents might not care, but I do. I've done plenty of reading on the subject and I my own personal experience shows me that the less time they have on their phones and computers, the better behaved they are and the more they contribute to the family, and engage with us.

 

It’s a pretty big assumption to claim their parents don’t care because they have different rules to you....

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boatiebabe

I'm sure their parents love them, but they don't care if they are up until 3am messaging each other. I do care!

 

But mostly it's BS anyway because when I talk to the parents they also have restrictions around phone and technology usage.

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Melbs2010

 

 

It’s a pretty big assumption to claim their parents don’t care because they have different rules to you....

 

It's also a big assumption that other kids are even allowed to do what is being claimed. Kids always try the "but everyone else gets to" even if it's not based in reality.

 

Many times I've been told "but so and so gets to play 'insert age inappropriate video game." But in talking to that child's parent at a latter date they've said "no way do they get to do that." Good on them for trying I guess!

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3babygirls

I'm sure their parents love them, but they don't care if they are up until 3am messaging each other. I do care!

 

But mostly it's BS anyway because when I talk to the parents they also have restrictions around phone and technology usage.

 

There's still quite a lot of parents who do allow it unfortunately (for their kids).

 

Had many students turning up at school half asleep because they were on insta or snap chat the night before and the parents will say "yeah they stay up late on their phones most nights etc". Even had one parent say they wouldn't do anything because her daughter was starting to be a brand rep and it was worth money to her (she was 13).

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Lifesgood

The old 'but my friends all do it!' chestnut. We all tried that on when we were kids. Now I sound like my mum in response!

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Sunshine streaming

The only thoughts I have is to loosen the time when he phone goes on charge on a weeknight. To me, 7pm is too early for a 14 year old. I think this is something you can relax, say to 8.30pm and then may have more cooperation and less getting around the rules behaviour going on.

 

Also, sleep-ins may be a rule to let go of, but they are definitely not good for helping to have good sleep habits as it makes it diffcult to fall asleep at a desired time that night.

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steppingonlego

Just popping back in.

 

This is becoming a real issue now everyone is locked down at home.

 

Now she isn't at school stays in bed the entire day. She is sleeping til 1-2pm then lies on her side watching her phone comes out for dinner goes back in.

 

I hear her laughing sometimes talking to her friends but most of the time just watching whatever she watches.

 

She resists any offer to come out when we are doing something.

 

She only talks to me when she wants something.

 

If I say no she goes back to ignoring me

 

If I try to have a conversation about what is going on she will whisper her responses so I have to ask her to repeat them, roll her eyes, stare straight ahead and not offer any sign she is listening to anything I am saying. This is regardless of how she is approached. With compassion, with concern, with an ultimatum. She responds the same way. Unless she wants something then she is nice to me asking how my day is for 10 mins then the reason she really wants to talk to me comes out.

 

She is horrible to her little sister and won't even respond when DH says hello.

 

I offered to get someone for her to speak to as I felt not moving from your room all day to interact with people was unhealthy even to sit in the backyard with a book to get some fresh air would be fine she doesn't have to talk to any of us.

 

I feel like I am damned if I do damned if I don't

 

Half the advice I get says to treat her like a young adult let her sleep it doesn't matter

 

The other half say ooh it could be depression make her get out of bed get her help.

 

I don't know what to do. Leaving her in there to herself would be the easy solution things are more pleasant when she is in her room but I feel like I am failing somehow.

 

She broke her laptop which she will now need more than ever. She said it just stopped working it was 3 months old I took it back to the store they showed me where it was dropped (screen had separated from the back) she denies dropping it said it was like that when I bought it brand new. That is an out and out lie.

 

So she no longer has a laptop just the phone and a TV in her room.

 

I think the only solution that works for me and gives me some peace of mind is taking the phone and the TV (its an Apple TV so easy to take out) out when they aren't supposed to be being used. Even if I have to set an alarm on my phone to remember. Then let her stay in there if she wants to at least she will be reading or doing skin care (she can spend hours doing makeup or facials on herself) and not streaming endless tech.

 

This is so hard I am so stressed about it and feel lost.

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*bucket*

We had endless troubles with DD around that age. For a long time her phone lived in our bedroom at night (beside DH), as if it was in the kitchen or other common area, DD would get up in the night and access it. We also had wi-fi turned off overnight, and I could lock down her 4G access on her phone as well (Telstra came through on that one!). I could also block calls to/from people at various times, but could leave some selected numbers available - these included people who we knew she might turn to if she didn't want to talk to us, but was struggling with something.

 

With everything we did, DD still managed to have some access when we didn't want her to (she could sneak in and get her phone if we were sleeping heavily enough, and there was a free wi-fi that she was just in range for, sometimes), but mostly it was managed.

 

Sleeping - DD went to her room by 10pm on a school night, but we couldn't force her to sleep. We would allow sleep-ins on weekends. DD also didn't come out much, but it is very difficult to "make" a 14 year old do anything they don't want to. She was kicked out of school, so was very isolated for a while. She used this as an argument for why she needed her phone - to stay in contact, but we still didn't let her have it overnight, we countered with her friends needed their sleep as they had to get up for school. DD lied endlessly. Sometimes over stuff that didn't matter. Sometimes over important stuff. (Spoiler alert: she's now 20 and wonderful, and even admits she was awful as a teenager!)

 

I would definitely remove the Apple TV - if your DD wants to watch, she has to come out. The phone, I would trial removing for a couple of hours to see if that helps. In my experience teens do sleep/snooze a lot (I'm on my third), and dragging them out of bed doesn't achieve much. It is hard to get used to them being anti-social and staying in their rooms for most of the time, but I think teens do like privacy and their own space. I would keep in mind the depression possibility, and consider if anything else fits and whether to get her assessed.

 

Good luck.

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iwanttosleepin

I turn my DS14's phone off at 9.30 pm via iPhone controls. after that it works as a phone and plays music - that's it. He whinged for about 12 months but now he has stopped trying to get it changed.

 

I check his usage stats to make sure he isn't find ways around it. I also limit it until 7 am - as I found he was getting up early to use it.

 

that said he seems to have turned a corner since about January and has become a much nicer human than he was last year.

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iwanttosleepin

She sounds like my DS14 was last year. He was terrible but keep faith - they do grow out it usually.

 

As I said, my teenager has become a much nicer human over the past 3 months.

 

His inherent painful traits of nagging and fads remain but at least he talks and comes out of his bedroom.

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Silvers

It’s certainly a difficult age but I think it’s important to set clear boundaries, especially around tech. In our house, all phones are out of bedrooms at 8.30pm. I also take laptops out once any homework has been completed (we don’t have any tv’s in bedrooms).

 

The teens only get phones back in the morning once they have had breakfast, dressed, brushed teeth and beds made. I don’t mind if they sleep in as I know they are not on devices. There were a few grumbles when the rules were introduced but they are fairly compliant now. I also strongly encourage they get outside and exercise each day, especially now as their organised sport has been cancelled.

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Freddie'sMum

I've got a 14 year old DD too OP - and we are also in shutdown / lockdown at home.

 

I would take away her TV and her phone and not give them back because her behaviour is so bad.

 

Is she meant to be doing school work or has school holidays started ? I would find a counsellor / psychologist for her to talk to - we just did a video / web chat with DD#2 psychologist - so it is still possible to talk to someone who can help your DD via the phone / internet.

 

Best wishes.

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steppingonlego

Thanks everyone I appreciate just having a place to vent a little and see that others have been in similar situations.

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Dadto2

I think it's unfair to give kids ipads, phones, TVs etc and expect them to self-regulate. They are so addictive, especially with social media, messaging etc DD11 got an Ipad last year for school and it quickly became a nightmare. So we quickly put in measures to undo the nightmare. The "downtime" function is brilliant and allows you to control what hours of the day the device can be used and for how long i.e after 8pm it becomes useless. It sounds draconian, but (IMO) it's a necessary evil.

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steppingonlego

Came back in here as I needed to re-read some of the advice.

Lockdown has made my DD worse than ever. We are into week 3 of school holidays in Vic. We have some other stressors at the moment (selling our home) and we are all living with my Mum in a small townhouse. She is sharing the room with my Mum her choice I offered her share a bed with me or sleep on Nannas floor. When my Mum goes to bed she comes out she sleeps on the couch all night and when Mum gets up she goes in and sleeps in that room again until about 2pm then she is on tech until God knows when and rinse and repeat. We see her for dinner that is it. 

I have to ask her to shower and to change her clothes. This morning I went in and took the tech and told her she could have it back when she showered. She has been in the bathroom for an hour now no sign of a shower God knows what she is doing in there.

I know this could be depression but she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. She is fine when with friends I can hear her laughing and singing when she is on her tech but if I ask her to do anything its like the end of the world. Very hard to give someone their privacy when we are 6 people living in a 3 bedroom townhouse (temporary everyone is inconvenienced but DD is the only one making a huge deal of it)

 

I am really here for a vent. I should probably take the tech away at a set time but as it is school holidays we are in lockdown and it is cold and miserable there isn’t much else to do and I have so many other stressors I have let it silde Sunday when school goes back it will be another story back to out of the room by 830pm.

 

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