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Bushlander

Family Holiday

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Bushlander

So my husband is self-employed and I've given up my life and stayed at home for him and the kids for the past 12 years. Yes, I've lost my identity, my confidence, even lost sight of all the things I planned to do with my life. All this partly due to being a SAHM and mostly due to menopause sucking the life and goodness out of me. So that makes my husband the main breadwinner. If you were to ask me "what do you want to do before you die", the answer would be "go to America". My husband's biggest wish was to go on a hunting safari in Africa - well, he's managed to do that and bring trophy heads home and the like - so he did it top shelf! Now he'd like to go back again. He'll have the cash to do it when his mother passes and has said to me "I don't know if this is selfish of me but I could go back to Africa when I get my inheritance money".

 

Now, I'm half estranged from my parents, so I'm not expecting any sort of inheritance, but on the off chance something does come through I certainly wouldn't be packing myself up and heading off to America without the rest of the family. We are saving like mad to be able to sell and buy way out in the bush, which is his dream, so if that ever eventuates there'll be no chance in hell of anybody going anywhere ever again because we won't be on the coin we're on here in the city. Probably won't be on any coin at all and doing it off the grid and self-sufficient.

 

I feel so useless and am disappointed at the fact that my dream will probably never eventuate. And I don't know if I can make it happen with our money because I fear he's not really interested in America and would rather save for a farm. I've started a small business from home, but it's slow going and I'll probably be dead before it generates enough cash for a holiday. It's more of a retirement plan - something to give me to do when we're out in the bush, and maybe make a bit of cash out of it.

 

So I guess I've got the SAHM blues. Doing all the work, keeping things together, running around with the kids and their sporting commitments, trying to squeeze my little business in when there's time, but it's all unpaid. I feel he's being selfish - already done his thing, wants to do it again, wants to buy a farm and we're all working towards his dream, but nobody's thinking about mine.

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Grassisgreen

Have you had an honest discussion with him? Do you want to move to the bush? Have you told him your dream of going to America?

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Ollie83

I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, it’s completely fair to be feeling what you do. As above had you had frank conversations with him about your dreams and life goals?

 

I’m making assumptions just from what you’ve written here but it doesn’t sound like he’s considering his family, but only himself?

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Bushlander

Oh he knows, but because he's not interested in America it just doesn't get spoken about. It's like when you say "what would we do if we won Lotto" and the answer is all about him and what he wants to do. I'm in two minds about moving to the bush. That's why I've set up my little business because I can take it with me and do it out there at home. It's like our life is being put on hold to try and save for this farm, which isn't happening - the saving part, and in the meantime we're missing out on so much. No jaunts away because we should be saving. I truly believe his goal is a little unrealistic and he needs to come to terms with this and accept the fact that what we've got here in the city is pretty damn good!

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born.a.girl

Any inheritance money around here is shared, after 30 years together, as it should be.

 

We have zero concept of thinking about where it came from.

 

His is an attitude I find not uncommon in relationships where only one person earns the money.

 

 

In your shoes I think I'd be getting a paying job.

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Grassisgreen

I’m really sorry, it sounds very hard. He does sound selfish and I would be very unhappy if this was my situation. It doesn’t sound like you are in a partnership.

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dadwasathome

I'd possibly be posting in the relationships section as this seems to be a little more than about just managing money.

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solongandthanksfor

this post isn't about managing money and holidays at all :( all the best OP.

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3babygirls

Any money that comes into our bank account is our money.

My parents and grandparents have a decent bit of money which at some point I will inherit some of. That money will be mine and my husbands, I will have no more say in it than he will. Which is how it should be.

 

Everyone brings different things into the family, some are money (from jobs) some are domestic and both should be valued equally.

 

Your husband has fulfilled his dream, now its your turn.

 

It does sound like you and your husband are not on the same page about some large decisions, so you may need to start having some honest chats about what you both want!

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#notallcats

If he's not interested in America, then take yourself and the kids. He has some awareness that's it's selfish to go on another dream holiday so I think you just need to tell him and NOT feel guilty about it. Perhaps some counselling would help you decide what you want to do, you do not sound happy just living his dream life and it's really not fair at all.

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Ellie bean

My husband is mostly a SAHD, any money I earn is our money, same fir inheritances. He doesn’t get to spend all the money, it’s yours too!

Also- am I right that his dream is to shoot African animals? That’s just horrible.

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born.a.girl

My husband is mostly a SAHD, any money I earn is our money, same fir inheritances. He doesn’t get to spend all the money, it’s yours too!

Also- am I right that his dream is to shoot African animals? That’s just horrible.

 

I didn't like to say i couldn't actually live with someone who found pleasure in killing animals for fun. I couldn't live with the 'trophy heads' in the house, either.

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boatiebabe

I also think this is about more than a trip to America.

 

This desire has just highlighted the way you are feeling right now.

 

But you can take charge of your life. You just have to speak up. If this life of yours isn't going in the direction you want it to, then you have to acknowledge that and say something. Otherwise you'll end up stuck somewhere you don't want to be and you'll be miserable.

 

DH and I often talk about what we expect our life will look like 10 years from now. What we want to be doing, where we want to be going. But I have as much input as he does - regardless of who earns what.

 

Staying at home is contributing to the family - and your work and sacrifice has to be acknowledged.

 

When it comes to trips away there are places and things I want to do and places and things DH wants to do and they don't always align.

 

A few years ago I found myself wanting and waiting around for everyone else in the family to make a decision so that I could make mine.

 

I had a bit of a light bulb moment and realised that I could chase my dreams too.

 

I took an overseas holiday to Europe and left DH and one child at home and took the other with me who also had no commitments at that time. People were amazed that we took separate holidays that year, but really it was the best.

 

DH does about two weeks away every year with a masters sporting group. I could go but have no desire to do so. It's great for him to bond with his mates, recharge and have few responsibilities.

 

Next year my entire family doesn't want to go to Europe in June/July for a number of reasons. Guess what? I'm going solo.

 

We have some shared desires for trips away and we plan for those but if we really want to go somewhere - we announce it and try to work around it.

 

But my husband respects my contribution to our family and appreciates that I have goals I want to achieve too.

 

If you want something to happen - you have to make it happen!

 

My last piece of advice is to NEVER expect any kind of inheritance. I've seen so many people wait for money to come to them and when it doesn't (for whatever reason) it's always really ugly.

 

I have a very wealthy parent, but neither DH or I have planned our lives and future around ever receiving anything. If it happens, it's a bonus, but we have planned for our own retirement.

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sophiasmum

My husband has no interest in us going on an overseas family holiday. Mainly because he thinks it's a waste of money & feels guilty if we did spend the money this way.

 

Having said this. I've been lucky & gone with my eldest daughter to Disneyland & New York when she had the opportunity to dance in the US. I also had the choice of celebrating my 50th in New York & Hawaii with a good girlfriend which was fabulous. Then I took my eldest daughter & youngest to dance at Disneyland & side trip to Hawaii. So I've been on 3 overseas holidays in the last 2 years. But DH & son stayed home.

 

Again he is saying that we can go somewhere without him if we want, but everyone wants him to join the next time, so we're working on him.

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Hypnic Jerk

If he's not interested in America, then take yourself and the kids. He has some awareness that's it's selfish to go on another dream holiday so I think you just need to tell him and NOT feel guilty about it. Perhaps some counselling would help you decide what you want to do, you do not sound happy just living his dream life and it's really not fair at all.

 

Bugger that - leave the kids with him and go on your own. That will make it much more affordable. And no, it’s not selfish.

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Cimbom

I agree with the suggestion of saving to go on your own if money is too tight to go as a family. You can get airfares on sale for less than 1k now. Other costs will depend on where you visit and the type of hotel but it might be a much more doable way of fulfilling your dream

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magic_marker

Another who thinks he's being selfish.

A true relationship is a partnership.

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Ivy Ivy

Yes I'd start talking in general over family dinners -

"honey you know how you enjoyed your Africa trip so much, I'm thinking of doing an America trip, and these are the places that sound really interesting that I might put on the itinerary..."

 

Just gently inserting the idea into people's minds, so when you all do discuss it, nobody's shocked, the seed has been planted.

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littlepickle

Having just transitioned my 96 year old grandmother from a retirement home to a nursing home only a few things come with you - 14 days of clothes, 2-3 small family items and all your memories. What do you want these memories to look like when you reflect back? Full of things you were lucky enough to do? Or regret of what you could have done but didn’t?

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Dianalynch

Dh earns the vast majority of income here, has done for the past three years. If he thought of it as his money, he’d find himself on week on week off shared parenting quick smart.

I’ve returned to work now, but if I was taking longer out of the workforce dh and I agreed that due to the financial risk (for me) we would sign a binding financial agreement - largely in my favour.

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But seriously

Was going to suggest getting a job. Put the money into an account for your holiday. My DH earns the vast majority ad well. But I still worked and have built a good nest egg

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Lifesgood

I can't get past the fact that your DH's idea of a dream holiday is to go to Africa, slaughter innocent animals, and bring their heads back home with him as a trophy.

 

This tells me everything about him and what kind of person he is. No wonder you are miserable. I'm sorry OP.

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ExpatInAsia

He has been on his dream trip that came out of family funds - the next trip is your dream trip.

 

Also after 14 years together part of that inheritance is yours whether he likes it or not.

 

Your partner is being a selfish tosser!

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Prancer is coming

Sounds hard OP. My husband has lots of dreams. I used to go out of my way to make sure he achieved them, as of course I want to help him achieve them. Then I realised he had so many and ‘I have a dream about doing x’ is just his way of saying he wants to do x. You only get one or two dreams lol! Whereas I have some things I would like to do but would not call them dreams. Which is probably why I don’t make a big deal about doing it. If your dream in America, commit to it and make it happen. If he did a solo trip, you can go solo too - if you want. He was not worried about saving farm money then, so it is not your priority neither.

 

DH and I do share all our money. I have had a lot of time off with the kids and work part time and I certainly see it as our money. However, I do see an inheritance as something different. We have received one over the last few years for a close relative of Dh’s. The death was very unexpected and the person was very young. Whilst the family got the inheritance, no one actually wanted the money, made worse by the person being so poor in their life. DH did not want to do anything with it. I certainly did not see it as my place to go and take half or spend as I saw fit. And sometimes the relative may want the money enjoyed, and those left behind may feel the need to do certain things with it, thinking it would make the person happy. Not sure if I am keen on the idea of planning what to spend it on before the person has actually dies or factoring it into the future budget...

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Dianalynch

^^while I think an inheritance is shared, I do agree with pp it’s poor form to count on one before someone has died...

In which case op I’d say spend some of the farm money and go to America.

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