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LadyKJStorm

The dreaded 2 week wait again

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LadyKJStorm

Hi,

 

I need an outlet. I have very supportive friends and family but they aren't getting it and keep telling me not to worry (as if), what will be will be (so helpful!) and not to get ahead of myself.

 

Last year I had the BFP. I saw the heartbeat and then a week later the hearbeat was gone. A week after that I miscarried (at 10 weeks). I needed to give my body and mind time to heal. Which was made more difficult by my sister announcing that she was 12 weeks pregnant (with the same due date as I had). I kept my crap together and said all the really nice things that an Aunt should say but my god did it feel like the universe kicking me in the guts.

 

I had to wait a while for my body to get back into the natural sync and then the clinic wouldn't start any cycles after 1 december because of their XMAS shut down - which is fair enough but meant a really long wait for me before I could try again.

 

I have had a round of IVF this month. After retrieving 8 eggs they were able to transfer 2 and freeze 2. I go for my test on Tuesday. I am trying to do everything that I can to make it take. I have taken the week off work (so no work stresses), I am seeing an acupuncturist that specialises in fertility three times this week but I can't shake the feeling that it didn't work or that if it did I will lose it again.

 

Has anyone else had this experience? How did you cope? I am trying really hard to keep my cool and not stress but Tuesday seems so far away.

 

KJ Storm

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mulli89

KJ, I’m so sorry for your loss. Did they give you a reason for the miscarriage? That might help you to reassure yourself that it was a once off tragedy that won’t happen again.

 

I had my baby in December at almost 17 weeks, it was traumatic but we have just started to try again. For the anxious waiting, I’ve just been telling myself to grit my teeth and get through it one day at a time. For the anxiety about it all happening again, I’m telling myself that it will either work out or not, but at least every day is another day closer to knowing one way or the other instead of the endless wondering and worrying about the possibility that I could go through it all again.

 

I hope Tuesday gives you the result you’re looking for!

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LadyKJStorm

Thanks for the reply Mulli,

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.

 

No unfortunately they didn't give a reason for it. Even worse my Doctor was on holiday and I got the dippy nurse that works with him telling me. I went in for my blood test to see if I had miscarried everything and the idiot was sitting there prattling on about how she and the doctor knew from the get go that it wasn't going to be viable based on the HCG levels. Would have been nice for them to let me know or to you know, not rub it in my face afterwards. Sorry - all the other nurses at the clinic are great but everytime I talk to her...GRRRR!!!!

 

My doctor was great when he got back a week later. He sat me down and made sure I knew there was nothing I could have done and there was no reason why.

 

I'm trying to do the same as you, grit my teeth. I live alone however and the nights by myself in my own head. Not good... Thus the mad post last night. Just trying to get out of my head. Will keep on trying to keep busy (I just cooked 2 months worth of meals). Try not to think about Tuesday.

 

Thanks again for posting a reply - was feeling a little bit isolated - none of my friends have had a miscarriage and they are supportive but don't quite get it.

 

I hope everything goes well for you and that you get many days closer.

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Chic'N'Stu

I have no useful advice for you, OP, but this stranger on the internet is thinking of you kindly.

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mulli89

Omg that nurse sounds horrible!! I’m sorry she was so insensitive...I don’t know about you, but I almost felt embarrassed when I had my miscarriage, almost like I shouldn’t have been so excited about being pregnant. I know it’s unfounded but that’s how I felt. Having someone one tell me that they knew it wasn’t going to work would have been the worst thing imaginable at the time because it would have made me feel more ashamed. It’s weird that even though miscarriage is so common, people don’t seem to have much sensitivity around it. Especially people in her profession!

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LadyKJStorm

I mostly felt bad for mum. She came back from a holiday (having bought so much for the baby) and had to go to the ultrasound with me. Wasn't the greatest welcome home. I felt so bad for her.

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dreamweaver80

Hi Lady,

 

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

I just had to reach out as your story parallels mine in many ways!

 

I got pregnant with our very first IVF cycle in 2016 and it seemed like almost a dream that we saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks. With my clinic, they are finished with you after the initial scan so my follow-up scan was at an ultrasound office. I was so optimistic (and naive) that DH went to work that day and I went alone. It wasn't good news and even worse, there were two fetuses on this scan. My single embryo had split into identical twins and neither survived. To say that was the worst day of my life would be an understatement but to not have my partner with me and not having the support at least of the people in the clinic I knew was crushing. I had no idea what to do, but just numbly texted work to say there was a medical emergency and got on the train back home, where I cried for the rest of the day and most of the week.

 

Because I didn't even have an OB the only person who I could contact was my FS who was really wonderful and saw me the next day (even though he's usually booked for weeks) and did my D&C that week. Which is not part of his protocol.

 

The story does go up from here as I eventually got a BFP to stick and my beautiful son turned 1 a few days ago. So don't lose hope! Whilst it's absolute sh*t to have a miscarriage, at least you can get pregnant, which is a positive. Some women never ever even get to that point.

 

I also understood quietly losing your rag when well-intentioned family and friends try to help and miss the mark. My mother still holds out that we can conceive naturally despite our male factor infertility making that pretty much impossible.

 

Another parallel: In the 3 years, we've been ttc, my brother and sister-in-law got pregnant twice on their very first attempt each time. The first time she was 36 and the second time, 38. It's just not supposed to happen that easy at that age. My niece was born just two months after our miscarriage and it was both joyful and heartbreaking.

 

By the way, I'm also now in the 2ww hell, test is Thursday. We're almost synced! Crossing everything for you and you have my support if you need it x

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LadyKJStorm

Hi dreamweaver,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. While its terrible that it happened, its good to know that I'm not alone. Been feeling like I'm going crazy.

 

I totally understand the thing with the siblings. My sister has Chrone's disease, an autoimmune disease and her husband has some problems as well. The Dr told them it would take at least 5 years to get pregnant and it happened straight away.

 

Meanwhile, I've had one round of unsuccessful ART and the round of IVF that resulted in the miscarriage. I first saw the IVF Dr in December 2017 so I feel like its taken for ever and its never going to happen. Even though I haven't tested I'm positive this hasn't worked and that I will have to try the FET in 2 months (my Dr won't do it straight after an IVF cycle). I used the last vial of donor sperm on this round so I am going to have to start the ordering process all over again.

 

Sorry if this seems all over the place, its kinda how my head is at the moment.

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for the both of us.

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MrsP2014

hi there,

 

im sorry for your loss, have you looked into seeing a grief counsellor?

 

I've had multiple losses, 7 pregnancies and one living child. the grief counsellor has been the best thing i did and we work on anxiety and other things also.

 

there is also a mindful IVF app which i have found fantastic.

 

why don't you come join us in the ready set go room, where were all doing ART of some form.

 

big hugs to you, its such a hard and terrible ride.

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dreamweaver80

Hi KJ,

 

What makes you think it hasn't worked? No symptoms or ??

 

I do understand the foreboding feeling, it's an inevitability after a loss. Honestly, even though my pregnancy progressed without a hitch, I felt like I couldn't take a breath until bub was out. It's just another cruel side effect of the combination of ART and previous miscarriage.

 

Oh, your poor mum, that was hard to read and I too feel bad for her. Sounds like she will be an amazing grandmother though when the time comes!

 

I echo MrsP in her suggestion to join the Ready set go chat, everyone is really supportive there and you'll find you're really not alone in what you're going through.

 

Best of luck for tomorrow (blood test right?). There's no reason to lose hope just yet!

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LadyKJStorm

Well it was just a feeling yesterday but today I had spotting so pretty sure it didn't work. I will go and have the blood test tomorrow and see if I can convince the Dr to go straight to the FET without waiting a month.

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LadyKJStorm

Ok now im really confused. Took a hpt because of the bleeding and there was a faint but clear positive. Guess i will just have to wait till tomorrow to find out what the heck is going on.

 

No idea if im going to be able to sleep now.

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dreamweaver80

Hope you got some sleep and good luck for today!

 

Definitely can't give up if you're getting a positive test.

 

Keep us updated x

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LadyKJStorm

No sleep at all. So tired all day today but at least the clinic rang me nice and early. So early that I couldn't call them back for an hour and promptly burst into tears when they told me it was positive.

 

HCG 90 and Progesterone 26 (bit low).

 

I am still pretty down but just taking it one day at a time and trying to hang in there. I'll see what the clinic says when I go back on Thursday.

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dreamweaver80

Oh my god, positive!

 

Sorry I didn't respond earlier I had to step away from the computer for a bit. All the discussions, googling and symptom checking have been driving me a bit batty lately.

 

Anyway, congrats and fingers crossed that your numbers have risen tomorrow. I wouldn't worry that they seem low now, embryo might have implanted late or that might just be the way your body responds. I can't really remember what they were but I don't think my first beta with my successful pregnancy was too high.

 

Good luck xx

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LadyKJStorm

So instead of doubling my HCG has halved. I'm going to miscarry.

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Pal30

Im so sorry to hear this LadyKjStorm! Sending lots of hugs.

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dreamweaver80

Oh no!!

 

I'm so sorry LadyKJ, what dreadful news :(

I hate to say your experience is truly mirroring mine, my second IVF try was exactly the same.

 

I know nothing will make you feel better for awhile but I hope you don't give up. I was completely despondent and thought it would never work for me after 2 miscarriages but go #3 is my son and #4 is currently sticking around for the moment as beta today was very good.

 

Go back to your FS and ask for every step they can give you to rule out any cause. I had the MHTFR gene mutation which was only tested for after my second MC and is literally treated by a higher dosage of folate, instead of folic acid. It could certainly still just be chance but rest to do all the tests before trying again.

 

I don't know where you are in Australia but my FS (in Sydney) is a regarded expert in recurrent miscarriage. Please PM me if you need any advice or anything.

 

Big hugs to you xx

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BeachesBaby

I'm so sorry to hear this Ladykj, what awful news, and my heart goes out to you.

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LadyKJStorm

Thanks guys.

 

I'm a little sad but not too upset. I think because I have felt since Monday that there was something wrong. Everyone kept trying to tell me it was just me be negative from last time. But I think it was more me being in tune with my own body and knowing what was going on.

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Little boys rock

I’m so sorry, sending you a big warm hug xx

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Disydo2018

So sorry LadyKJ. Take care of yourself.

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LadyKJStorm

I talked to the dr yesterday about the fact i didnt think it had miscarroed properly (hadnt had enough blood). Talked about options but wanted to wait to see if ny HCG levels had dropped today.

 

Phone call today. My HCG levels have increased!!! Is now at 158 (22 dpo). Was at 90 13dpo and more than halved when they measured 15dpo. So i dont know what the heck is going on and neither does the doctor (note to nurse in future maybe not say that to the patient).

 

So ive got to get back on the progesterone and go back for more tests on Tuesday. Im in shock and have no idea how to take this...

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dreamweaver80

Oh my god, what a shock indeed!

 

I wonder if it could be vanishing twin? You did have two transferred correct? The doctor should surely have some ideas, maybe the nurse is just a dunce.

 

I don't think they should make you wait until Tuesday for a second blood test, did they tell you why? Even when I had my early miscarriage, my clinic tested every two days until my HCG was 0. I would think that's standard practice to rule out any potential complications. In my case, there was no increase. If I was in your situation, I would be demanding an earlier test. In my opinion waiting 5 days to find out what is going on is way too long with your situation. It's really totally unfair to leave you in the dark that long :(

 

Anyway, keeping everything crossed for you xx

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LadyKJStorm

That's what Mum thinks it is. I did have two transferred. Such a long wait but it is a public holiday weekend here. Personally I think its probably his off weekend... :) I don't want a long weekend this weekend any more.

 

They tested me today and before that they hadn't tested me since the Thursday before. They seem to wait when they think there is going to be a miscarriage.

 

Funniest thing I turned up today and they told me I had a meeting with Julie. I'm like who the heck is Julie I was just turning up for my bloods. Turns out it was the counsellor who got confused as the nurse had put a not in her diary and talk to me. So I got pulled out of the waiting room to talk to her about how I was feeling and coping with having 2 miscarriages in a row. It was a good conversation but not what I wanted first thing this morning.

 

Then to get the blood test results which are well maybe you didn't???

 

I am just trying to keep in mind that whatever way it goes I'll be going to Harry Potter and the Cursed Child next Wednesday which will be a nice couple of days away.

 

But OMG what a mind trip!!!

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