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Is It Surreal when you Finally Conceive?

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Hi. I Have PCOS and a blocked tube. I am 32 years old and currently childless.


I find it hard to imagine that pregnancy and babies are things that happen for me; it still feels surreal and like it is only something that happens for other people.


It makes me feel that sleepless nights and the strain and hardships of being a new mum will pale in comparison to the pain of not knowing if you WILL ever be a mum.


I can get regular periods when I adhere to a costly health regime (naturopath, Chinese medicine and acupuncture). I do feel strong ovulation drugs and trigger shots will be enough for me if I start soon (possible after getting ovarian drilling done first!) and do not have a gut feeling I would need IVF. Nor are we going to do more than 2 or 3 rounds of IVF, which we will not actually consider IVF until I am 35 anyway for personal reasons (we just have strong feelings about gut feelings and instincts being a real thing and that sometimes our babies really do want to come later, without IVF being needed for all of us!)


I do sense and feel myself as a mum with a newborn - but it only "feels" real and like a thing in the distant ish future, rather than something that happens for me as it stands...


How did you all overcome your feelings of inadequacy and feeling "different" from healthy, fertile women?


Was it extra weird when it finally DID happen? I mean, it will likely take me 3 to 4 years to conceive once given we are not trying IVF right away like most people would.


I would love any support in regards to me feeling "different" frm other women, and what visualisation or techniques did you employ in order to feel that yes being a mum (albeit, a later in life mum and older mother) IS a thing that IS meant for you and is NOT just something that happens to "other women"


OR does not feeling never truly leave.


I do hope it makes me a better and more grateful mum that never sweats the small stuff (lack of sleep, sleep deprivation etc)

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I wasn't an older mum, but I have pcos and it took us 2 years ttc our first. It was devastating feeling like it would never happen and unbelievable when it actually did. Pregnancy felt surreal until I was feeling proper kicks, having an actual baby was surreal for the first few sleepless terrible months lol. We've got 3 now and sometimes I still stop and look at them and think how in the hell do they even exist, how is this real. I think I appreciate them because of the struggle, but it doesn't override the relentlessness of motherhood. I lose my sh*t still, sleep deprivation is not kind to me and there's no way of understanding how horrible it is until you experience it. But my kids are happy and healthy so I think I've done well enough so far. Good luck op

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Different situation here - I have 2 kids, one who died at 14 months and one who is now 4 months- but I can say that being incredibly grateful and in awe of having a healthy child doesn't necessarily help make the hard parts of having babies any easier. In some ways the heightened emotions make it even harder. Not saying that at all to frighten you, more just so when it does happen for you, don't beat yourself up for finding pregnancy/motherhood tough. It's amazing and miraculous but we are all only human and it's natural to sometimes sweat the small stuff.


All the best with your journey, you sound like you will be a lovely, thoughtful mum.

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I’ve actually been wondering this very thing a lot recently. We’re 13 months TTC #1, and some days I can’t imagine it ever happening, but we’re starting ivf in 2 weeks, so then I sometimes wonder wow, will I just get over all the pain and hurt and heartbreak of the past year, If it finally does happen?


I hope I get a chance to find out.

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I have to say that a long and difficult journey to getting pregnant meant that I missed out on the innocent joy of becoming, and staying pregnant. I think that I was robbed of the blissful ignorance of simply wanting a baby and proceeding to have one.


It took me a long time to accept that I was going to stay pregnant and even longer to actually believe that I was going to have a real baby.


The second time I became pregnant (4 years later, after trying and failing to have baby #2 via IVF, giving up and moving on to life with one child) naturally, unplanned and totally unexpected. It was a far more surreal experience in many ways as I simply didn't believe I could ever make a baby that way. It was quite healing for me.


All the best with your journey.

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I did feel the way you did during our 5 long years TTC I felt so broken and not able to join the exclusive mum club I was so desperate to join. Incredibly painful ivf including OHSS and some other nasty side effects, 2 miscarriages (one of which they put me in the maternity ward overnight for which was more painful than the miscarriage) and finally a rainbow baby pregnancy that involved white knuckles, anxiety and not truly believeing it was going to happen until they put my DS on my chest!


I was blessed to have the easiest most relaxed, sleepiest baby, and I still struggled a bit with sleep deprivation but the absolute joy I had in finally becoming a mother made it seem less harsh. I still have days where my now 2year old frustrates me but at least once a day I look at him and can’t belive he is ours and he is really here! The trek to get him here and all that went with it has faded in to the background but it’s still a part of me just like all our life experiences are.


Motherhood especially when you are facing some barriers to get to it can feel so elusive and impossible to imagine that it will actually happen to you, I wish you all the best that you concieve quickly x

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I have felt this way. We ttc for 2 years for our first and it was amazing and surreal to be pregnant. My hubby and I are grateful for our little man every day because of our struggle and the despair we both felt at the thought of not having a child. Parenting is so hard though so even with this gratitude you still have moments of going oh my god how am i going to do this... usually when youre so tired.


I have recently had 2 miscarriages. So the struggle for number 2 now will probably make it all feel surreal if we are blessed enough to have another baby.

Good luck on your journey :)

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Thanks for your heart warming responses.


I am so happy that you all achieved your dream of becoming parents.


Did becoming a mother make you a happier person in general, the way you had anticipated?


I am struggling to believe I will be able to be s happy childless, as I would if I am so blessed as to become a mum.


And I am the type who enjoys living in general and know I could still be happy with or without kids - but my desire to experience my own child and a gut feeling tells me I would be happier with a child, than without one.


Or is becoming a mother not a magic ticket to superior happiness?


Just curious if you became as happy as you thought you would after wishing for a child for years and it not materialising in a timely manner.


Was it s good as you thought it would be?


Was it really the magic smug and easily fertile mothers describe: " oh, you do not know what proper love is until you first see you baby, it feels like you are on cloud 9 and jumped 9 clouds higher and nothing compares"


Surely the trauma of infertility can deride that lotto win style "joy" most mothers seem to describe? When you would think it would only serve to enhance that "joy"?


Or maybe it comes down to the individual; fertility issues or not, some new mums just do not become overwhelmed with love at first site, magical child birth and newborn stage - experiences?


Would be interested to hear about how happy you were pre and post child and how much of an influence the long wait for the child had on the overall effect of motherhood?


Thanks in advance for any thoughfull responses, it all helps me come to gripes with what could be a 2, 3 or 4 plus year long journey for me!


Warm regards,



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I also responded to your other thread.


I’ll drop a truth bomb here...... I don’t think motherhood makes you happier....... babies are hard work and your career, relationships and finances all get more complicated.


I wouldn’t have been happy childless I don’t think. So in that respect I would have been very unhappy if I didn’t get the chance to be a mother.


We conceived via IVF and had some risk factors in pregnancy combined with a premature birth. I was stressed for the duration of my pregnancy and didn’t enjoy it and was probably still in shock when my son was handed to me. Nothing went as planned and it wasn’t a magical experience.


But gosh I love that little boy! He was a great baby (as far as babies go) and is a funny and cuddly toddler.


But I have noticed in my friendship group that a baby (more specifically sleep deprivation) has a habit of blasting open any cracks whether they be in your relationship, your own mental health or insecurities etc.

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My experience was similar to those in this group. We had severe mfi, thought dh and I would never be able to have kids, then after Ivf and surgery for dh we miraculously got pregnant. I was a nervous wreck during the pregnancy, paranoid about losing it (I had major bleeds and preeclampsia). So I didn’t have a blissful surreal pregnancy, I was just scared it was all too good to be true and would be snatched away from me..


Once ds came , I don’t know if I felt that love the second I saw him, but It does come. definitely agree that it’s a very different and intense love when you finally have ur bub.. for me, ds filled a void I had . In the thick of our infertility, I had an ache to be a mum and ds filled that void even when he was a screaming mess that refused to sleep. For me, I’m sure everyone can attest that even though I’m much more busy and at times more stressed as a mum , I’m much more content and happy . So thankful and grateful for my ds

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