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Minnie80

Gender disappointment

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Minnie80

Ok don't judge me. But I am 12 weeks pregnant. I found out the gender today through the harmony blood test results. And I was shocked by my feelings. I was so upset and angry. I even cried a bit. I didn't care about the gender when I had my DS. And I thought I wouldn't care this time either. But my reaction was so violent. I feel so guilty. I feel I should be grateful for what I have. Especially since my pregnancy is high risk. But I can't help how I feel. Did anyone go through this? Does it go away?

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MissMilla

I never had it, so i cant say if it goes away or how it turns out.

Just wanted to say, dont feel guilty! I think most people secretly wish for a certain gender. I was lucky and both times i got what i hoped. While pregnant our hormones are crazy and we react very emotional to everything, so dont overthink it! I once cried for an hour because i saw a cute dog and in my head i jept telling myself to pull myself together and its stupid to cry, but i just couldnt stop.

 

Maybe just try to figure out why youre feeling this way. What will you miss exactly?

 

I do think as bub grows in you amd you start picturing your life theres a very good chance your feelings will change.

 

Its ok to be disappointed. And youre not a bad person/mother for feeling this way. Dont beat yourself up over it.

Maybe someone who has experienced the same can give you more tips or reassurance. *hugs*

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Minka1313

Please don't be hard on yourself. I was exactly the same. I've got two amazing boys and wouldn't change anything now. But my pregnancies were so different I was concerned I was having a girl second time round. I also found out at 12 weeks and I burst into tears, Iwas more shocked at my reaction then anything and I felt incredibly guilty. I could get my head around having two boys. I already had an awesome boy how could another boy compare to him. In my head, if I was having a girl it would be different and I would compare my children. It sounds crazy... I had a hug amount of guilt all through my pregnancy but the second I held DS2 in my arms I was instantly in love with him. It felt like he had been apart of out family forever. My boys are so alike and so different. They drive me bat cr*p crazy but I love it and wouldn't change anything.

 

Please find someone you can talk to because otherwise it eats away at you.

 

Congratulations on your pregnancy! If you are have two boys welcome to the MOB (mum of boys)!

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rowd

Yes, I have had this and feel like it has been quite extreme. I found out at around 12 weeks and am now 35 weeks, and to be honest I still have times of feeling very upset and worrying that I won't love this baby enough. I am really hoping that when baby arrives I will feel differently. We would like to have another baby after this one, but the thought of suffering from these feelings again makes me afraid at the thought.

Edited by rowd
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Expelliarmus

I didn’t want a boy when I was pregnant with DS. It didn’t matter at all once he was born.

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3babygirls

I was a desperate for a boy with my 1st. Absolutely desperate. When I found out she was a girl I was so disappointed (even though I always knew she was a girl).

 

Fast forward, now i'm 9 weeks with number 2 and I couldn't care less! I actually possibly want another girl. I know I won't have any disappointment with this baby at all.

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Kiwi Bicycle

Both my sister and I did. However at least we had 8 months to work through it. No it doesn't go away but does become less intense. We both wanted girls and I still feel bad when I see cute girls clothes and attend ballet recitals. But we both love our little guys to bits and find a lot of joy in them.

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bluesilk

Yes, I experienced terrible GD to the point I didn't feel excited about my pregnancy anymore and didn't even tell some people for about 6 months.

Fast forward - I am still wistful sometimesabout how things didn't turn out (and never will), but I have adjusted to life as I know it. I love my kids and it would now be strange to have it any other way. You do get used to it and it does get better, but occasionally you'll be triggered. Btw don't go trawling through GD forums/websites - they don't help and there are a lot of people who are possibly quite disturbed and they won't make you feel better/help you move forward!

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~Bob~

Do you think it would help to list out all the reasons that you want a girl and challenge those ideas? For example, the pp mentioned cute girls clothes and ballet recitals.

 

Baby girls clothes are cute, but you can find adorable boy clothes (though you do need to look a bit harder) and they grow out of the cute clothes so fast and boy/girl clothes for older children are equally as nice. If you Google Jamie Kay boys you'll see how adorable baby boy clothes can be.

 

As for the ballet, boys can do ballet too. Or maybe your boy or girl won't want to do ballet at all.

 

These might not be your reasons, but if you challenge your thoughts in a similaway, you'll see just how constructed gender can be and how things are way more driven by personality than gender.

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Lou-bags

Do you think it would help to list out all the reasons that you want a girl and challenge those ideas?

 

Interesting assumption- unless Minnie has another thread where she’s disclosed the gender of her unborn.

 

Minnie I haven’t experienced it, but so many have and it’s so normal. I agree with Bob to have a think about why it is that you have a preference and to evaluate each of those reasons to see if they hold true. It might also help to speak to someone about it, as I know from your previous posts you (like me) have a tendency to over think things and also to be too hard on yourself.

 

I hope you find peace soon xx

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Lallalla

When you have him/her it won’t matter, all that will matter is the baby in front of you.

 

I have had it to a lesser extent. I was sure I was having b/g twins or b/b twins so was quite surprised I was having g/g twins, meaning we have 3 girls and won’t be having a boy. It’s funny because I hadn’t pinned my hopes on a boy I just honestly thought odds are I’ll get one. I would not trade any of my girls for a boy, and the dynamics of an all girl sibset can be really fun - I often look at families with lots of boys and think they must be having lots of chaotic fun too.

 

My sister also had quite a strong reaction to finding out what she was having with her 1st, also v early on, she was sure she was having the other kind, and was only going to have the other kind (there is a logical back story to this very illogical theory). I think she took the whole pregnancy to fully come around to the idea. But now they are here and she wouldn’t change them/would only have that kind and be happy.

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CrankyM

I agree with Bob - come up with a list of reasons and look at the why. It will take time to work through, and it likely isn't helped with your pregnancy hormones, the stress of being high risk and also the anxiety you suffer. It might actually be related in many ways to the anxiety issues (controlling your belief in what will happen and then that doesn't happen and causes higher anxiety because you don't know how to react "properly").

 

I will say I only suffered it a small amount. In my case it was different because we couldn't find out the sex (all the U/Ss the baby was uncooperative and we didn't have the harmony test then) but I was convinced he was a girl. I really really wanted a girl. And then he arrived and it was a boy. I loved him, but I just had that nagging feeling of disappointment and it took quiet a while to adjust to the fact I had a 2nd boy, not a girl. (My reason's were not even about the cute clothes etc, it was more I understand girls much more and wanted a similar relationship with a daughter like I had with my mum. Love my boys immensely, and I don't regret my 2nd sweet souled child being a boy anymore, but some part of me still wishes I had a daughter).

 

Are you seeing a counselor for your anxiety? Maybe it might help to talk to them to walk your way through the mindspace of it. Also did you start the anxiety meds? They can play a bit with your emotional side while you are adjusting to them and this could be contributing to how you feel.

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Caribou

Gender disappointment is not uncommon. Even I expirenced it myself. I was sure I was having a girl. I wasn’t. Even though I already have a girl, I wanted two of them. I hadn’t even looked at boy names!

 

I cried. I also realised even though I wanted him to be a girl, now he’s here, I’m glad he’s a boy. He’s an absolute delight and even if he wasn’t a girl, once he was here, it didn’t matter anymore.

 

There’s both wrong with feeling like this. You’re allowed to. If you’re still seeing your therapist, definitely debrief over this, I also think, with pregnancy hormones are in overdrive, so your emotions are heightened more than usual.

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Lucrezia Bauble

yes i was disappointed when i found out the sex of my second child - i already had a boy, and wanted a girl - this was our last baby so there was no chance of another try. i think its not uncommon....although its frowned upon in certain quarters to admit you feel it - funnily enough my second boy is more like me than my first (not sure if that means anything!) and - it goes without saying that you love them, and now they’re here, they’re here, and you wouldnt want them to not be here - so i guess thats how i dealt with it - i love C, and if he were a girl then i wouldn’t have C, and that wouldnt be good. so the feeling does dissipate over time IME - and it morphs into more a knowledge and perhaps a tiny bit of sadness over what you wont have - maybe will never have - rather than regret about what you do have - if that makes sense.

 

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Prancer is coming

I had a girl and was really keen for another. Went to my 20 week ultrasound and was told it looked like a girl and I felt really disappointed. It sort of helped me to see that whatever I was told, I would have had a bit of disappointment. They ended up being wrong, so I got my boy and was happy with that, but still would have liked a girl!

 

And when we had number 3 I prepared myself for whatever I was, that I would feel a bit disappointed. I did not really care either way, but at the same time had a preference. I did not get my preference, but remember watching my same gendered child sleeping that night and knew that gender would be perfect for our family, which it was.

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Kallie88

I haven't experienced it, but agree with others that it's common and nothing to feel guilty about. I'd recommend getting a mental health plan and finding someone to talk through it with, someone that can give you a safe space and help you unpack the thoughts and feelings behind the GD. Be gentle with yourself op xx

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blueskies12

Oh yes, I had it too. I never found out either times. The first time i was sure it was a boy, and it was. Second time around, I didn't know and thought 50/50, it turned out to be another boy. I remember when they announced it, I felt an immediate 'ohhhh', especially as it could be our last baby. But then I held him, got to know him, and realised everything I had wanted in a girl, really was him, it really was him that I had been dreaming of all along...so the way he is quiet, easy going and gentler, was exactly what I had been hoping for and he is my ray of sunshine. I also feel extraordinarily proud of having two boys, whilst they are very different, already love to play together; they are right for each other and bring different gifts to each other and to the family. I think once you get to know your baby, things will change. I think it happens a lot. But it does dissipate. I always look at dresses longingly or tea sets and dolls houses (and yes, I know boys can have them too, but it's not quite the same). I now have a similar feeling about the possibility of never having another baby again! Motherhood is tough whichever way you look.

Edited by blueskies12
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Minnie80

I'm having a girl. My husband is ecstatic, because he has no girls in the family. My pregnancy is high risk, so up to this point, I was more worried about blood test results and scans etc. When the doctor called yesterday with the results, I was not surprised. I've been telling myself for weeks that I am having a girl. But then I started getting upset which shocked me. I know why I feel this way. Ous DS is autistic and our risk of another autistic child is high. We live in a patriarchal society. Women already face so many struggles. An autistic girl's life will be hell. I would worry constantly. The second and main issue is my horiffic relationship with my mother. I think she never bonded with me and her hostility and resentment was obvious all my life. She used to tell me, "I always wanted a girl, until I had you, now I hate girls." So, she made it very gender specific. It was about being the "wrong" kind of girl. I'm so worried that history will repeat itself. What if I don't bond with my daughter either? What if there is hostility and resentment between us? I can't go through this awfulness again.

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cvbn

Oh Minnie, I am so sorry. You sound so lonely and stressed.

Please keep sharing here.

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jalu

I was also a little doubtful that I would not get along with boys as I grew up with a all female family (dad wasn't around)

 

However, once my son was born, I adored him to no end :)

 

You won't know until you actually meet them, and no point stressing about it as you might end up persuading yourself that it might not work out..

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magalee

I'm hearing you. I am pregnant with a surprise bub and I know from my NIPT that it is another boy. I lost a little girl at 13 weeks 2 years ago and was secretly hoping for a girl this time too - and to be honest this is one of the reasons why I found out the sex so early as I knew I would need some time to get used to the idea if it was another boy.

 

I love my DS to bits and I know I will love DS2 as well. It's more knowing that I will never be a Mum to a girl (as there won't be anymore kids!). Its kind of irrational as I have a great relationship with DS and he is awesome with cuddles and lots of 'I love you Mum', I guess its that I will never really understand what it is to be a Mum to a girl.

 

Its not about ballet and clothes for me as I can't stand anything to do with dance - I was a sporty outdoor kid, but more wanting to parent the other gender for a change.

 

I have totally come to terms with it now and look forward to meeting DS2. Now just to get the extended family on my page as they don't know yet and they keep saying they are sure its a girl!!!

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CrankyM

Oh Minnie, you sounds so worried and lonely. In terms of bonding, I honestly don't think you have to worry about that. Here you are worried that you will disappoint your daughter because you feel the way you do. You already worry for her future. That means that you are already bonding with her. You will love her, and fight for her, and support her. You mum sounds horrible, but you know what, you are not her, you are someone different and you sound like someone who will love and care for your child as much as another other child you have.

 

I can't help with the ASD side of it. It luck of the draw and some weird combination of genetics or similar that can't be pinpointed. It's still a 1 in 4 chance you will have another child with is autistic, though girls often present in very different ways to boys. Believe me it's something my husband and I thought about when making a decision about more children (we also have ADHD genes in the mix. On both sides of the family).

 

Please talk to whoever you are seeing for your anxiety, or if you are not seeing someone to talk about the anxiety, it might be a good idea to see if someone is available.

Edited by mayahlb
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Kallie88

I had trouble with my mum growing up, I think she saw herself in me and so I got all the baggage for the bad choices she'd made in her life while my brother was the golden child. I used to worry about passing that same baggage onto my dd before she was born (even though we didn't know gender, I just always thought I'd have a girl first). My relationship with my daughter is completely different though, I see myself in her, but she's also her own gorgeous little person and (even though she's only 2.5yo) we have such a close loving relationship. I think the key on this sort of thing (whatever the gender) is to learn who your baby is (that's bonding just as much as the 'instant connection' thing) and love them for that, it sounds like your mum was only prepared to love/ accept a certain kind of person/ girl and that's never going to end well. I'm sorry you went through that too op, it's horrible to be treated that way by a parent

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Minnie80

I am so not into "pretty clothes" and ballet at all ;) I love how simple boy clothes are. Justs pants and shirts. I just buy him different colours and mix and match. I get a headache just looking at the girl stuff. Skirts, dresses, tights. It's endless. I'm too basic for a girl lol.

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~Bob~

I'm currently having a lot of counselling for childhood issues, and when I bring up fears about being the same, my counsellor generally reassures me that people who think like this are mush less likely to repeat the behaviour, because they have the insight that it's a behaviour that can be repeated and also avoided.

 

As for the autism, it's statistically less likely in girls, although you would already know that, so pointing it out might not be helpful.

 

Can you get to a counsellor to unpack your feelings and try to come up with coping strategies?

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