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juniedean

Being Sensitive to New Pregnancy

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juniedean

Hi ladies,

 

I am here because a family member is pregnant with her first. She is over 40 and has been TTC for many many years. I do not know the ins and outs - as in whether they lost any little ones early during their TTC years or whether they used IVF - they keep this private and with every right. She is just over 17 weeks now and understandably worried because of her age and the risk factors.

 

So I am here because I want to know what to say and what not to say especially as I already have children of my own. I don't want to upset her or make her feel that her anxiety is not warranted but I also want to support her in a positive way. Her doctors have assured her everything is ok and I am just so excited for her that I want to jump with joy and start spoiling her and bump but I am being cautious.

 

From your own experiences I would love to know how I can best support her. I hope I have posted in the right section as it is my first time here and I don't want to upset anyone. Thanks ladies xx

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Bwok~Bwok

Just follow her cues.

 

It's a hard one. I really didn't enjoy the pregnancy until after 20 weeks because of the stress... Trying to fall pg, staying pg, having a healthy baby - plus all the 'negatives' that come with trying for so long. When it actually happens, you are really concerned it could all be snatched away in an instant. It doesn't matter what you do, it's always there.

 

IF sucks all the joy out of everything.

 

So basically there really isn't anything you can do or say, but you might see a change in her once she's over the 20 week mark.

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Birdie11

Totally agree with Bwok... I am only 5 weeks and after trying to so long I feel the same. It constantly feels like it’s going to be snatched away and I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling that way. I’ve just told my family to go with the flow and not ask me too many questions. I’ll let them know info if I feel it is necessary.

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Demera

Exactly what Bwok Bwok said. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy until I reached 20 weeks and felt the first kicks at 22 weeks.

 

I hated people calling me 'mum', or anything that assumed a succesful outcome was a given. For me, potential disaster was around every corner, and for that reason I did not publicly reveal the pregnancy until 17 weeks (when I could no longer hide it physically).

 

She will more confident once she has had her 20 week scan and felt kicks (if she hasn't already)

 

Bascially just remember she's not counting any proverbial chickens until they've hatched.

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juniedean

Thanks so much girls. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my question and for the honest information. I will settle the excitement and wait for her cues when she’s feeling more confident with it all. Not long til her 19 week scan and I really hope it does help ease the uncertainty so she can enjoy it a little - especially those kicks.

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mocha444

Thought I should add as nobody has mentioned, if she has experienced losses, it will totally depend on her circumstances as to when/if she feels she can relax during pregnancy. I would not make the assumption that she will feel everything will be ok once she hits 20 weeks. It will depend on the cause of the losses and the individual.

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Mollyksy

Yep, just coming in to say I was cautious and not counting those chickens until after I gave birth. Follow her cues. I didnt mind people saying to me that they were so excited for me but they understood that it was a roller coaster of a journey so they would just follow my cues.

 

You are very sweet to be thinking about this.

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Feral Snow

I couldn't start to relax until 26 weeks, when the chances of survival were 90%. That's when I finally felt comfortable starting to plan things like baby clothes and furniture, but I was still desperately afraid of going to hospital and coming home empty-handed (I was fine from the moment my daughter was born healthy and well).

 

Maybe focus more on how she is and her pregnancy, rather than on the baby that's meant to appear at the end.

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Feral-as-Meggs

I had the same issue as the PPs. I was just starting to relax and then I had a small membrane rupture and was on bed rest for several weeks which totally did me in emotionally.

 

I wasn’t able to have a baby shower and didn’t even buy anything until the last minute.

 

I did appreciate friends quietly gathering things until I was ready.

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juniedean

Wow girls I’m so sorry you’ve all had such emotional challenging pregnancies. I really do feel for you. I am trying to stay very mindful towards her feelings and will focus on how she is feeling rather than the baby side of things. I can totally spoil them both rotten when he or she arrives safely xx Thanks again for sharing your own experiences x

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maryanneK

I was in a similar situation and I appreciated people not getting too excited - talking about too much planning and baby clothes and things etc made it feel like extra pressure on me.

 

but at the same time - I didnt want people being too negative - that felt like extra anxiety! Just be calm but supportive. Try asking her how she's feeling - and let her go with what she's feeling on the day, be that excitement or nerves.

 

keep it toned down but let her know you are happy for her and try and help her feel relaxed about the pregnancy and the outcome

 

and good on you for asking the question, you sound like a lovely friend!

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Aquamarine3

I agree with pp: she's so lucky to have you thinking about her with so much care and sensitivity. What a lovely person you must be. I've just experienced my 3rd mc (over 40)and we didn't even feel we could tell most of our family members bc of lack of understanding or sensitivity!

 

I agree with others that you can follow her cues as to how much she wants to talk about the pregnancy, but it might also be nice to just let her know (as I think you have already done) that you are so happy for her, and totally there for her if she needs anything. I very much hope she has a successful outcome, but knowing you are there and sensitive to her needs will probably be helpful to her if, heaven forbid, anything goes wrong. She is lucky to have you.

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