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Mrs.Bee

Daycare - my LO hurt by another child

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Mrs.Bee

My LO is in daycare 2 days per week.

 

This year when he transitioned from the nursery to the toddler room he was placed a room different from all his previous room mates. The reason for this was due to 2 of his little friends (B1 and B2) being quite fond of him, not allowing him to play or move independently throughout the room and as the educator explained to me they were 'smothering him'.

 

One of the little boys (B1) would often and still does hit, bite and push around my LO, and even push him out of the way to get to me; I have spoken to the daycare room leader and centre educator about these things multiple times. Previously we have also caught up with B1 outside of daycare but are now limiting this as B1 continues to bite (even once the face) and the parents reaction is more of ignoring than addressing the biting.

 

When i spoke to the daycare educators they said they would continue to keep a eye on it and monitor who was biting and the surrounding context and if things didn't improve then a meeting with the family of B1 wold be considered.

 

I know the educators explain to B1 that biting isn't nice, it hurts our friends, to be gentle and say sorry, etc but things dont seem to be getting any better. B1 appears to have physical reactions to other children leaving them marked, bruised and crying. While the outbursts to my LO seem to have reduced some what since moving rooms, they still occur (during family grouping time) after talking to B2's mum this morning B1's focus has shifted from my LO to B2.

 

The daycare seem to be giving myself and B2's mum the same speech about how they respond but nothing is changing. B1 is continuing to hurt others which isnt nice or fair.

 

I completely acknowledge that they are 2 and are in full swing of testing their boundaries, and that my child is no angel. its the repeat incidences and that my LO is being hurt, and the daycare repeating the same lines.

 

Does anyone have any advise in addition to getting the daycare to get B1's family in to have a chat with, as im uncertain how to proceed.

 

Thank you!

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Kallie88

It's a tough situation, having worked in babies and toddlers, often there's not a lot carers can do except try to keep an eye on a biting child (tough with so many kids) there's not usually the staff to shadow the child, which is a more effective measure. But of course, something needs to be done. Incidents occurring so frequently they should definitely be talking to b1s parents and coming up with an action strategy. (It is possible they have tried to do this and the parents have been as apathetic towards them as you describe them to be at playdates - which again ties the centres hands a lot).

At 2yo it's often frustration and lack of communication skills that cause biting behaviors. Ideally carers should be modelling language for the child before he gets frustrated and lashes out eg. "I can see you want x to stay and play with you but its time for them to go, say bye bye" or whatever.

 

Hopefully the behaviour will stop soon, but unfortunately I'm not sure there's much you can do since it's not your child.

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José

Oh dear!

 

As difficult as this is you dont really have a role here. Its not up to you to get daycare to get someone else to do something.

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ali-song

I know it's really distressing when your child is hurt, but what do you expect the family to do? Some kids just go through these phases, and I'm not sure all the talking in the world will make it better. The daycare really need to put strategies in place to make sure B1 is watched like a hawk.

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ineedmorecoffee

I would stop socialising with B1 outside of daycare and if you get asked why, just be honest about how you are uncomfortable with the interaction between B1 and your child.

 

They can choose to ignore their child biting and you can choose to not provide biting material in the form of your ds.

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AuntyJJJ

Such a tough situation and I've been there several times. Recently at dinner with several mums who had biter / hitting kids and wanted them not to be excluded from DC which is understandable.

 

When my son was 1-2 he punched other kids in the face often but now he's golden boy (at kindy - not at home!)'

 

There's a kid with some problem/disability who throws toys at his head. He's caused so many probs - and I promised my son I would never make him go to kindy if that by was there.

 

I was worried about the whole situation and almost ready to change kindy but the owner confidentially told me she would not allow the violent buy to return. I was so happy.

 

I guess your kids need to know you're protecting them.

 

Usually the mums of the violent kids laugh and don;t think it's serious.....

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BeAwesome

I don't think violent is quite the word to use to describe a 2 year old. Nor "kid with some problem" to describe a kid with a disability.

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But seriously

I don't think violent is quite the word to use to describe a 2 year old. Nor "kid with some problem" to describe a kid with a disability.

 

Well said.

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AggyW72

I don't think violent is quite the word to use to describe a 2 year old. Nor "kid with some problem" to describe a kid with a disability.

I was gonna say! Imagine being "so happy" that a very young child was being excluded from daycare because of his disability.

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KoalaTeeTime

Am I reading the question correctly in that your DS is no longer in the same room at daycare as those two children?

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HolierThanCow

I don't think violent is quite the word to use to describe a 2 year old. Nor "kid with some problem" to describe a kid with a disability.

 

No nasty tone intended, what would be a better word? There is a special needs boy at my daughter's childcare who often displays aggressive and at times what I would classify as violent behaviour.

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Acidulous Osprey

Such a tough situation and I've been there several times. Recently at dinner with several mums who had biter / hitting kids and wanted them not to be excluded from DC which is understandable.

 

When my son was 1-2 he punched other kids in the face often but now he's golden boy (at kindy - not at home!)'

 

There's a kid with some problem/disability who throws toys at his head. He's caused so many probs - and I promised my son I would never make him go to kindy if that by was there.

 

I was worried about the whole situation and almost ready to change kindy but the owner confidentially told me she would not allow the violent buy to return. I was so happy.

 

I guess your kids need to know you're protecting them.

 

Usually the mums of the violent kids laugh and don;t think it's serious.....

 

Sure we do. I bet you laughed and laughed when your 'golden boy' punched other kids in the face. (Or are the rules different for your precious?).

 

I can't even begin to comprehend why you were so happy that a child with a disability was excluded. As for the owner gossiping about a vulnerable child with you and your morals? Disgusting.

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AsperHacker

 

 

No nasty tone intended, what would be a better word? There is a special needs boy at my daughter's childcare who often displays aggressive and at times what I would classify as violent behaviour.

 

With a disability would have been fine. What need was there to write "some problem/disability"? Even "some problems" would have been better.

 

And FWIW the boy you refer to is not a "special needs boy". He might be a boy with special needs, though I suspect his needs are the same as everyone else's, they just present differently.

 

Calling *a* behaviour violent is very different to calling *a child* violent.

 

And let's put it in context... the pp thinks that parents of toddlers/preschoolers who might hurt another child are laughing about it... unless it's her kid?!?

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Heather11
When my son was 1-2 he punched other kids in the face often but now he's golden boy (at kindy - not at home!)'

 

So how is the above different to the below comment?

 

There's a kid with some problem/disability who throws toys at his head. He's caused so many probs - and I promised my son I would never make him go to kindy if that by was there.

 

Can you imagine other parents taking the same view about the actions of your child or is that somehow different?

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Hands Up

Such a tough situation and I've been there several times. Recently at dinner with several mums who had biter / hitting kids and wanted them not to be excluded from DC which is understandable.

 

When my son was 1-2 he punched other kids in the face often but now he's golden boy (at kindy - not at home!)'

 

There's a kid with some problem/disability who throws toys at his head. He's caused so many probs - and I promised my son I would never make him go to kindy if that by was there.

 

I was worried about the whole situation and almost ready to change kindy but the owner confidentially told me she would not allow the violent buy to return. I was so happy.

 

I guess your kids need to know you're protecting them.

 

Usually the mums of the violent kids laugh and don;t think it's serious.....

 

Were you laughing when your son was punching children in the face?

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Beeeeeez

Oh dear...

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88k

Some toddlers go through phases of biting and hitting, and it's so difficult to manage! My DS1 went through a biting phase and it was horrendous he had to be watched so closely and even then sometimes I was simply too slow. I can assure you I did not think it was funny, or some kind of 'boys will be boys' thing but it was something he truly did just outgrow. At daycare there were more incidents of him biting as close supervision is difficult to manage when there are so many kids to watch. I'd hate to think that other parents thought we didn't care!

 

I guess I'm not sure if there is anything more the centre can do about it? Is there something you had in mind?

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HolierThanCow

With a disability would have been fine. What need was there to write "some problem/disability"? Even "some problems" would have been better.

 

And FWIW the boy you refer to is not a "special needs boy". He might be a boy with special needs, though I suspect his needs are the same as everyone else's, they just present differently.

 

Calling *a* behaviour violent is very different to calling *a child* violent.

 

And let's put it in context... the pp thinks that parents of toddlers/preschoolers who might hurt another child are laughing about it... unless it's her kid?!?

 

'Special needs child' is a very common term and not one I was aware was offensive. I don't know his exact diagnosis; it's none of my business, but he has a dedicated carer and his 'special needs' have been referred to by the staff at the childcare centre. He needs more one-to-one care than the other children at the centre in order to function in that environment.

 

As far as I was aware, 'disabled' was a more preferred term than 'with a disability' as it puts the focus on the society that disables people (by not having the structures in place that would allow them to function without hindrance), i.e. there is nothing wrong them, but rather the society they live in which has disabled them in some way. I was under the impression that, 'person with a disability' or 'child with autism' implied that there was something wrong with the person, rather than embracing their uniqueness and making it part of their identity.

 

So, the general consensus is that it is ok to say that a child is being violent or displaying violent behaviour but it is not ok to say they are violent? I didn't pick the pp up on this; others did. I would just like to know the preferred terminology.

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AsperHacker

Think about it. Do you really think "special needs child" is an appropriate descriptor? It doesn't even make sense. It's only common where people feel the need to label a child as *that child* rather than see *just another child* who does stuff differently.

 

Disabled? With a disability? Neither are preferred. Child is good. When neuerotypical preschoolers are throwing things and biting people then the other kids disability is irrelevant. They're all kids trying to work out how to do life.

 

As someone with asd, I call myself an aspie, or someone with autism, or an autistic. It's mostly irrelevant what you call us (for me!). As long as whatever it is is done in good faith and without underlying prejudice. I am my autism (but that's just me) and I'm not my stimming or meltdowns or whatever other behaviours need to be labelled.

 

There is no preferred terminology, to each their own, and it's theirs not yours. Complicated I know, try being on the other side! But, there is respectful language. And considering special needs child doesn't even make sense, that's not it. Nor is describing a kid as having "some problem".

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Paddlepop
I was under the impression that, 'person with a disability' or 'child with autism' implied that there was something wrong with the person, rather than embracing their uniqueness and making it part of their identity.

 

This one will vary depending on the individual. For my DH and DD, we use the terminology of person with ASD or child with ASD when referring to them and their ASD. DH does not embrace ASD as part of his identity. He hates it and resents it. If he was referred to as an autistic person he would be highly offended. We don't refer to our DD as an autistic child. We say that she is a child with ASD.

 

Just saw AH's post. Perfect example of how the terminology will vary according to the individual.

 

So, the general consensus is that it is ok to say that a child is being violent or displaying violent behaviour but it is not ok to say they are violent? I didn't pick the pp up on this; others did. I would just like to know the preferred terminology.

 

Yes, label the behaviour but not the child.

Edited by Paddlepop
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HolierThanCow
With a disability would have been fine.

 

Disabled? With a disability? Neither are preferred.

 

Well, that certainly clears it up.

 

This one will vary depending on the individual. For my DH and DD, we use the terminology of person with ASD or child with ASD when referring to them and their ASD. DH does not embrace ASD as part of his identity. He hates it and resents it. If he was referred to as an autistic person he would be highly offended. We don't refer to our DD as an autistic child. We say that she is a child with ASD. Just saw AH's post. Perfect example of how the terminology will vary according to the individual. Yes, label the behaviour but not the child.

 

I would always respect an individual's choice (and I would never refer to someone as an autistic child btw, I would probably say they were 'on the spectrum' if it was necessary to refer to it at all).

 

I was referring to accepted terminology rather than individual choice - AsperHacker brought it up with me over my asking a pp for a different word other than 'violent' to describe the child (as used by another pp).

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Acidulous Osprey

Person first is the preferred terminology for many disabilities so child with a disability, child with additional needs.

 

Disabled child, Down child, wheelchair child are not preferred.

 

However many people with autism prefer different terms for themselves but it's up to them to say that.

I'm amazed that anyone believes that person first terminology is offensive...

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AsperHacker

 

I was referring to accepted terminology rather than individual choice - AsperHacker brought it up with me over my asking a pp for a different word other than 'violent' to describe the child (as used by another pp).

 

My issues are with pp the phrases "some problem", "special needs child" and "violent child".

 

When I said neither disabled nor with a disability are preferred I meant neither are necessarily preferred over the other, not neither should be used at all. My fault.

 

AO, I don't think person first language is offensive and think I've cleared that up so your dig is unnecessary. Again.

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Charli73

 

Usually the mums of the violent kids laugh and don;t think it's serious.....

 

Wow, just wow.. do you actually believe this? A serious question..

Edited by Charli73

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Feral Grey Mare

I would stop socialising with B1 outside of daycare and if you get asked why, just be honest about how you are uncomfortable with the interaction between B1 and your child.

 

They can choose to ignore their child biting and you can choose to not provide biting material in the form of your ds.

 

I'd probably just say "my son doesn't want to play with yours because yours keeps biting him".

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