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hampoky

Thinking of TTC no.5 but teenage daughter is VERY much against us.

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just roses

And I have taken all the advice in board , good and bad.... I have actually decided that I need to push my own feelings aside and do what is best... also there was a few comments regarding me not having enough time , but that's ok , I understand. Really. In real life i have newver had any negative comments regarding the size of my family so guess it just struck a nerve with me. Like I said , I apologise

I also hope it all works out, OP!

 

To be fair though, I don't recall any posts saying you wouldn't have enough time. Just that you would have less time for the kids you already have. And that's surely just a mathematical fact? Total time/number of children = time per child. Regardless of coffee dates, manicures and hours worked.

 

Not that it's necessarily going to be an issue in your circumstances, but I think that's what people were saying based on their own experiences.

Edited by nasty roses
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Mpjp is feral

I also hope it all works out, OP!

 

To be fair though, I don't recall any posts saying you wouldn't have enough time. Just that you would have less time for the kids you already have. And that's surely just a mathematical fact? Total time/number of children = time per child. Regardless of coffee dates, manicures and hours worked.

 

Not that it's necessarily going to be an issue in your circumstances, but I think that's what people were saying based on their own experiences.

 

I agree with this. A couple of my kids have SN's, and one in particular would have really been better being an only child (and she herself says this). If I had one hour a day or 16 hours a day available for my children, her behavioural issues means she feels great angst if 90% of that time isn't apportioned to her. It is getting better now she is a bit older - but that sense of competing for time really threatened her - even if logically and objectively I spent hours and hours with her, and just her.

 

Whereas my other SN child really benefits from having siblings, and the third is happy with our family size, but also says that any more than we have now we mean less, regardless of whether I work not at all, or pull 60 hour work weeks.

Edited by Mpjp is feral
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Kallie88

Lol I'm one of two kids and my mum rarely had time for me growing up, even when she got married she was still basically a single parent working full time, and when she was home she was either doing work (kinder teacher), doing house stuff, or having a break (which let's face it she deserved). Every family is different regardless of their size.

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just roses

Lol I'm one of two kids and my mum rarely had time for me growing up, even when she got married she was still basically a single parent working full time, and when she was home she was either doing work (kinder teacher), doing house stuff, or having a break (which let's face it she deserved). Every family is different regardless of their size.

Not the point, though?

 

Whatever time the OP already has for her kids will be reduced when divided by 5 instead of 4. Of course, that's not necessarily an issue. But that's the point that's being made here.

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Gateaugirl

I think I got a crush on Xena during this thread :wub:

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Gateaugirl

Hampoky, don't let the opinions of strangers on the internet offend you.

 

You know your life, your kids, your resources, yourself. By all means, take advice on board, but you make the best decision for your family, and don't feel like you have to justify it to people who are not involved in your life.

 

You sound like a fabulous mum. Enjoy your movie and well-earned break.

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Kallie88

 

Not the point, though?

 

Whatever time the OP already has for her kids will be reduced when divided by 5 instead of 4. Of course, that's not necessarily an issue. But that's the point that's being made here.

 

My point is that it's not just numbers and the op is going to have a good idea whether she'll have time or not in her own family unit, obviously a good thing to point out, but hardly a foregone conclusion based purely on how many kids you have.

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Bam1

(I personally think having a larger family growing up might have been better for me because my mum was batsh*t crazy and having more backup/less attention could have been a great thing)

 

That was my experience too - now I just hope my 5 children don't think the same!

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CallMeFeral

Sorry, was really not meaning too offend anyone. Everyone's families are different , there is no right or wrong g , I was mainly refereeing too the pint that know matter how many children you have , the "time" issue is not a factor. We all have 24 hours in the day , but we all spend that time differently and that is okay. All children are different and all parents are different , sometimes it's hard and other times it's easier.

 

Don't worry OP, I don't think people were that upset by your post in particular, I think it was more a p*sstake of the people who have decided that because some posters shared the experience of younger children in big families with a large gap, they were criticising the existence of only children. It's easy to find a personal slight if one is hellbent on finding one.

 

FWIW I don't think you should give up your dream for a 5th child. But with all you've learned here, you can hopefully talk to your DD about her fears and put up some safeguards to prevent them from becoming reality.

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~Bob~

I've done everything wrong

 

I had 4 children (too many?)

I breastfed my eldest for 4 months (too short)

I breastfed my twins for 2 1/2 years (way too long)

I have 4 sons (OMG, the shame)

I am currently pregnant, as an older Mum with a 9 year age gap between this one and my twins. So many wrongs in that one sentence

I am potentially having a boy (OMG, ANOTHER boy?!)

I am potentially having a girl (poor thing with all of those brothers, you'll have to have another one to give her a sister!)

My twins share a bedroom

 

I'm sure there's plenty of other things I've done wrong.

 

But seriously, life is short and you've only got one life. You need to live it the best way you can. You need to make the best of your decisions and embrace the surprises (hello baby #5). People will always have opinions, good and bad, and it's OK to consider them, but at the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you and your family. Good luck with your decision.

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omongomong

I think I got a crush on Xena during this thread :wub:

 

 

SAME

 

especially as I walked past the dead cockroach that's been on the stairs for at least two days. Bet that doesn't happen at xena's house :lol:

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Hollycoddle

 

 

From my experience women need to have two children, one of each sex. This can stretch to three children but only if the first two are the same sex. If you have 0-1 children you have failed, if you have all the same gender you have failed and if you have any more than 3 kids you have also failed ;) Also it's always the woman's fault.

 

And you also must subscribe to the sibset naming phenomenon ;)

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steppy

For me it was the neatness, the organisation, the blatant assertion of those rooms that one does not need to have endless stuff to be happy.

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Procrastinator5000

I worked with a woman who had a 10 year old daughter that BEGGED her for a sibling...and in the end they decided to go ahead. She was 13 when her brother was born and then the reality of it hit her and they had one very sad and resentful daughter for years. It's a tough one.

 

Just to offer an opposite story, my good friend had a 13 year age gap between her two children. Her older DS at 13 was horrified that she got pregnant. He was awful about it. He would leave the room when people talked about the upcoming baby, and he even said to her, "I feel sick when I look at your belly." She responded in a very thoughtful way, always listening to his feelings.

 

Anyway, the baby arrived and big brother couldn't be more in love with his little brother. He fully apologised to his Mum about his earlier behaviour and he's a great friend to the little one who's about 5 now.

 

Every family is different regardless of their size.

 

Seems obvious, but I think everyone needs to be reminded of the above statement! Size is surely the least significant determinant of how happy a family is.

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c.sanders

Seems obvious, but I think everyone needs to be reminded of the above statement! Size is surely the least significant determinant of how happy a family is.

 

well men certainly try to convince us of that.... ;)

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ekbaby

I don't know if the maths with kids and time and attention is as simple as it reducing by 1/2, 1/3 etc with every additional child.

 

If I go to the beach with all 3 kids, I am spending time with all of them. 2 of them might go off and splash while I swim with one in the deeper water. Then all 4 of us might make something together. Then 2 of the siblings will go off and look at rocks together while a different child keeps talking to me...

 

If I'm cooking in the kitchen the bench is there for anyone to come and sit and do their homework or chat to me or sit down and have a drink. They know where to find me. I might have no one interested in hanging out, or 2 or them, or one...

 

When we read a special book from the advent calendar, cuddled up on the couch together, if there are 2 or 3 kids squished either side of me and DP, they are still getting special memories and positive time with their parents... the presence of another child doesn't take away from that...

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Pooks_

 

It was the constellation wallpaper that did it for me :)

 

That was hand frikin painted y'all.

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trillian42

 

 

Don't worry OP, I don't think people were that upset by your post in particular, I think it was more a p*sstake of the people who have decided that because some posters shared the experience of younger children in big families with a large gap, they were criticising the existence of only children. It's easy to find a personal slight if one is hellbent on finding one.

 

Plenty of people jumped in to say that big families don't automatically mean not enough parental time for the kids. I pointed out that similarly, small families/no siblings at home don't automatically mean lonely kids. I didn't consider it a personal slight, just a pretty tenuous reason to recommend people have more than one extra kid if they don't otherwise plan to!

 

Oh, and I'm also feeling the Xena crush.

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**Xena**

Well thanks guys, my ego feels thoroughly stroked now :D:wub:

 

 

 

 

SAME

 

especially as I walked past the dead cockroach that's been on the stairs for at least two days. Bet that doesn't happen at xena's house :lol:

 

Only because my toddler would have eaten it by now :lol:

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kahm

Xena, those rooms are awesome! I'm now seriously considering going nust with glow-in-the-dark paint when we rennovate!

 

On the extra kids thing - you know your family best and you sound like a super caring family. It's obvious that your daughter's opinion and blessing matter to you, so I'm glad that you're asking her opinion; I think it's the right thing to do for you.

 

If I had to guess, I'd say that she's scared of change (aren't we all) and of not feelilng like she matters anymore. That's the thing about divided attention - regardless of how much you love your elder kids, the littler ones are more demanding and more likely to hurt themselves accidentally. You *need* to attend to them more and it's easy to tell older kids that you'll be with them in just-a-few-minutes.

 

The only time I remember resenting having a much younger sibling was when my mum and sister didn't go to my Yr 12 graduation because my little brother's Yr 2 graduation (he went to a K-2 school) was on at the same time. In those circumstances you just have to share and my Dad came to mine. However, it's the one time I remember thinking "holy bajesus, what do I have to do to be the most important person around here, even for two hours". I was pretty p*ssed about that.

 

I don't think your DD's fears are groundless - there's only so much parental time to go around - and I do think that at some point you need to take kids' opinions seriously if they think that they're too old to be gaining new siblings.

 

That said, you sound like a caring and capable family, so I'd take a deep breath and try to have some faith in your ability to make good decisions for all of you :)

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Kitty-40

Don't know if this helps but when I was about 10 I begged my Mum to have a baby (I had a younger brother) and I remember when she finally told me it was a definate no I cried and was upset. However, now that I'm an adult I get it.

As another person said that a teenage boy reacted horribly to his Mum's pregnancy but once the baby was born he was totally different.

I guess sometimes feelings can change with time.

 

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