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hampoky

Thinking of TTC no.5 but teenage daughter is VERY much against us.

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hampoky

Thank you. Everyone

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Jenflea

I would have asked a 14 yr old their opinion too, especially on such a large decision as a baby that everyone has to live with for a good few years.

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hampoky

Thank you. Everyone for your advice and your personal experiences. I'm certainly taking them all on board.... I would never want to disadvantage my children for my own desires. I think That is why I asked their opinion. It would be a little too late once I was already pregnant , and then they all told me how much they were against it.... i turned to "strangers" on the internet as my husband is at work so I can't talk to him.

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mother of teen

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking strangers on the internet, it can give you different angles to look at it from or help you understand your own feelings better because you have to articulate them. I understand you didn't come in with the intention of doing whatever eb says!

 

Also, I did not mean to imply you were disregarding your daughter's feelings.

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rollinginthepages

..

Edited by rollinginthepages
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Oriental lily

I have a 13 turning 14 year old who is the eldest of four . If some strange maternal rush made me want t go back for a fifth ( not going to happen) it would be a decision between my husband and I . Deffinetly not a democratic decision when the reality is it will be DH an I raising he child for the next 18 or more years and my eldest DD might have flown the nest within the next handful of years . Financially if she finds the lack of funds a concern well she can seek out a part time job within the next year or so anyway.

 

This thread though is typical EB . Very anti large family and overthinking something that a couple of generation ago was never going to be a consideration .Back then many uncles and aunties were younger than their niece and nephews ! And therapy was not needed .

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JoanFontaine

Ridiculous statement. Maybe just considering the very real realities of continuing to have children?

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just roses

I think it was a mistake to ask your kids their opinions. If your youngest is 7, none of them would really remember what having a baby is like. Also, what if they had all said 'yes' and then you found you couldn't have another baby? Secondary infertility isn't uncommon. I think it's too much pressure to put on children. The hypothetical new baby won't be their responsibility and so it shouldn't be their decision.

 

My friend has just had a surprise baby at 40. Her eldest daughter is 15. As it happens, she was pretty happy about it all. But you don't get any say - either way - with a surprise baby! If you and your DH both want a baby and you've weighed up all the pros and cons, then you just need to be prepared to deal with any sibling issues that arise.

Edited by nasty roses
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CallMeFeral

This thread though is typical EB . Very anti large family and overthinking something that a couple of generation ago was never going to be a consideration .Back then many uncles and aunties were younger than their niece and nephews ! And therapy was not needed .

 

People who have been the oldest in large families have shared their experiences on here, some negative and some not - but if they don't align with your point of view you are accusing them of being anti large family and overthinking it? What a disgusting way to invalidate people's experiences.

 

'Back then' there was likely no contraception, and pretty low tolerance to wives refusing sex, so both women and older children were pretty much slaves to circumstances and had to deal with whatever happened, with in many cases the older children forced into being surrogate parents for the younger ones, because there were few other options. A PP has even talked about how the older ones in that case had to give up their educations for it.

Therapy not being received was not a sign of it not being needed.

 

Honestly this trend (popular amongst conservative politicians also) of whitewashing of the 'good old days' when women and children were far more powerless and their misery was not allowed to be expressed is such a giant load of bullsh*t.

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c.sanders

As others have said, you should only do it if you are willing to have 2 more. I grew up as an only child for 10 years and than my brother also had an only child life due to our huge age gap. It's not fair on the younger child especially when the older one moves out etc.

 

My parents didn't think I could handle another sibling after my brother but that's because I was just becoming a teenager and teens are weird and hormonal and it's weird thinking about your parents having another baby. I really do wish I had more siblings and I know my brother does too. It definitely would have had a positive impact on his life compared to the sh*t childhood he had but that's another story. My cousin and her brother are 17 years apart and he's had the same issue. Very lonely childhood.

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magnanimous

I'm kind of in the opposite situation here. We are two and done and ours are now 11 and 7. Both have asked for another sibling. I don't like large families and so, while we tossed up the idea, am very glad we haven't had another. I told my kids no problem - they can share your bedroom and toys and you can help change nappies. Amazing how quickly they decided our family was fine the way it is!

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Jem80

I think one thing to remember is that while you may have 4 or potentially 5 children, for each of those kids you are their one and only mum. I am one of 5 and I don't recall any one on one time with my mum at all. Always busy, always harried.

That is just my experience. Subsequently, and for many other reasons, DH and I are done with 2.

Good luck with your decision.

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~Jolly_F~

This thread though is typical EB . Very anti large family and overthinking something that a couple of generation ago was never going to be a consideration .Back then many uncles and aunties were younger than their niece and nephews ! And therapy was not needed .

 

In your experience. Others have had difference experiences it but apparently that just makes them anti large families.

 

It's typical EB to dismiss what people have actually experienced when it doesn't fit with certain posters experiences, as you have done!

Edited by ~Nasty_Jodama~
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Moukmouk

I'm the eldest daughter of five. Not such a big age gap - I was nine when the youngest was born. None of us really liked been in a big family. It was always so noisy, and someone always needed mums attention more than you. To the pp who made that point, absolutely. We aren't particularly close as adults. My brother had the insight that because you always had to look after yourself as a child, we became super independent very early on. Mum was just too busy. The youngest also has a significant disability, so that played a big role as well. I definitely became the de facto parent as the eldest and the only girl. It was simply assumed that I would babysit, cook, clean. We were well off and had enough space, but there were just so many people.

My friend is one of nine and loved it.

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Starletta

Sorry you've had such a sh*tty thread experience op.

 

Just not the "not feeling done" feeling, does that ever go away? I think I'll always want more babies, they are so beautiful and special. I hope you find the right balance for your fam.

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MrsLexiK

I don't think their is anything wrong with asking the opinion of the other kids but now you have you have to take it on board. My MIL has strong opinions that some of her younger siblings shouldn't have been born as the brining up feel to the older siblings (girls). There is 20 years (at least) between the oldest and youngest. She utterly adores her younger siblings and loves them to pieces but growing up it was hard and the dynamics between some of the siblings doesn't just come down to personality but resentment etc.

 

Good luck with decision.

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Claudia Jean

.

Edited by Claudia Jean
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MerryMadrigalMadge

Just wanted to clarify that I'm not anti big families - I love all my siblings and we are quite close - as adults. As kids, not so much.

 

I was thinking about this last night, and spoke to my DH about it as he is the youngest of 5, with a 16 year spread from oldest to youngest.

 

His experiences are so different to mine, the way he talks about his freedoms, the lack of parental monitoring, which is so different to what I had.

 

His parents became grandparents when he was about 7, and were very involved with that, work, etc, and I get the impression that in a lot of ways he raised himself.

 

A friend of mine is the eldest of 9, and we have both discussed how angry and resentful we felt sometimes when younger siblings would be allowed to do things that we wouldn't have been. A combination maybe of parental standards relaxing, exhaustion, times changing etc.

Edited by MarigoldMadge
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ekbaby

I was the oldest in a family of 5 kids and I loved my family of origin. Only a 10 year gap from oldest to youngest. Yes I did babysit and help give the kids their baths or make their lunches, help clean the house etc but I think that's only fair, everyone in the family needs to help out a bit and pull their weight. I still had time to do my homework, after school activities, go out with my friends etc. I think growing up with lots of siblings and busy parents is a good reality check for a teen, the world doesn't revolve around you. If I wanted to go out with my friends as a teen I had to get public transport or work around what my parents were doing in terms of their work, dropping off other kids etc it might mean waiting around for an hour or getting myself places to meet them. Having mum or dad's taxi on call or having the whole family stressing about your HSC and tip toeing around you doesn't necessarily teach you independence. I feel my parents got the balance right with giving me enough time and freedom to be a kid but without smothering me, and making me be responsible for some things and pull my weight but not to the point where I couldn't have fun or lost out on opportunities.

 

However my parents had enough money that money was not a stress and we weren't limited from doing things we wanted to do (extra curricucular activities, camps etc) I think this makes a massive difference. Even little things like the fact that during a busy week we could have takeaway chicken and chips for dinner. DP and I won't be in the same financial position so that's a big part of our decision to stop at 3 kids. I would love a big family though.

 

I think it's a decision for you and your DH to make not your teen

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steppy

I think there can be issues but I wouldn't let protests such as 'we can't go on big holidays' get in the way - there's no guarantee that you can go on big holidays anyway. Other considerations are more important.

 

I think it's up to you and your partner. If you think you can do well with another child, can afford another child etc then you should do the thing you consider most important.

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scjoh

Another point to consider. My friend had a baby when her youngest was ten. She said the hardest part was parenting two generations at the same time.

She was dealing with teenage rebellion as the same time as she was dealing with toilet training. She found that very hard and she said she finally beginning to see the light as her youngest is now ten. On the positive side she is loving having a child at home, now that the oldest kids have moved out.

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seayork2002

I was 13 when my sister was born (to the day actually!) and from then on I cared for my sister FT on school holidays etc. I did not have a problem with it and it was great experience for when I had my own child and I have no ill feelings towards my mother and step father at all for this BUT if a older sibling has a problem then I would not expect them to have to care for the child.

 

I am not saying you are doing anything either way but it is something I would think about if I was considering another.

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just roses

I am the oldest of a family where there were three 6 years and then my youngest brother was born after an 8 year gap.

 

We all loved having a little baby around :wub: :wub: :wub:

 

Yes he was a toddler when I was doing VCE but actually the sibling that annoyed me the most was my sister, who's only 2 years younger than me.

 

My parents planned to have another baby straight after him but unfortunately they miscarried so he did grow up as an "only child", but we were and are close so included him when we could.

Just another experience...

 

I was 11 and my brother 9 when our baby brother was born. We were both besotted with him! Never any issues with resentment etc as we were both so thrilled to have him.

 

BUT...my youngest brother had a really tough few years as his two older siblings grew up. It was hardest when we left uni, left home, got married and started having kids. And he was still at school/then uni.He felt left out and left behind. It might have actually have been easier for him at the time to be a genuinely only child rather than one by circumstances. We're all good now, but there's no doubt that it was really, really hard. And lots of baggage to go with that experience.

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Hollycoddle

I think one thing to remember is that while you may have 4 or potentially 5 children, for each of those kids you are their one and only mum. I am one of 5 and I don't recall any one on one time with my mum at all. Always busy, always harried.

That is just my experience. Subsequently, and for many other reasons, DH and I are done with 2.

Good luck with your decision.

 

This. Finances are one thing (and something to definitely consider) but more importantly, as much as we love each child equally, physically there is only so much of ourselves to go around.

Edited by Mollycoddle
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Hollycoddle

Maybe have a talk with her, assure her that having a baby doesn't necessarily mean she will miss out on life experiences such as holidays, time with you, etc.

 

But she IS going to miss out on time with her mother - there's no two ways about it. We all know how demanding babies and small children can be and time spent dealing with them is time taken away from the rest of the family.

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