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hampoky

Thinking of TTC no.5 but teenage daughter is VERY much against us.

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3babygirls

I'd be thinking about teenagers heading into the more serious years of school and the stress it would be to have a much younger sibling (plus other younger siblings). Trying to do your HSC with a 3 or 4 year old running around and getting into stuff would be difficult.

 

I have no issues with big families but I think the age gap and the age of your eldest would be a no go for me. Unfortunately i've had a few students who have much younger siblings, struggle through their senior high school years with little quiet time for homework, babysitting and extra stress.

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dearydo

I don't think you should feel like an idiot at all and many here absolutely get that overwhelming desire to have another, be it number 2 or 10.

 

I also know large families where teenagers have welcomed baby siblings and are exceptionally close to them.

 

Just comes down to different families, different circumstances and different personalities.

 

You know your family, circumstances, personalities best and the pros and cons, that will guide your best decision.

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Soontobegran

Not her decision to make however it doesn't mean you do not hear her out validating her concerns and reassure her.

 

So much BS about children in large families missing out in this thread that just isn't worth addressing.

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~river song~

While it's your and your DH decision, I really feel for your DD!

 

 

 

I can completely understand her gripe. She already has 3 siblings she has to fight for attention with and probably misses out on certain things due to money and time. A baby would make that even worse.

 

I see it with my own kids, the one with more needs gets more time and attention and as much as we try to give the other 2 the same, a lot of the time we are knackered and have nothing left for them. It's sucks.

 

I'm one of 6. I understand living with a large family. I never felt anything but loved by my parents and never felt I had to fight for attention. I find the concept strange personally.

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Soontobegran

I'd be thinking about teenagers heading into the more serious years of school and the stress it would be to have a much younger sibling (plus other younger siblings). Trying to do your HSC with a 3 or 4 year old running around and getting into stuff would be difficult.

 

I have no issues with big families but I think the age gap and the age of your eldest would be a no go for me. Unfortunately i've had a few students who have much younger siblings, struggle through their senior high school years with little quiet time for homework, babysitting and extra stress.

 

They are clearly not living in a 2 bedroom flat. She says they have space and money and 14 year old has her own room and getting an ensuite.......I reckon she can get some privacy.

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Soontobegran

I'm one of 6. I understand living with a large family. I never felt anything but loved by my parents and never felt I had to fight for attention. I find the concept strange personally.

 

People struggle understanding that family dynamics are not all similar to their own.

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~Jolly_F~

 

 

So much BS about children in large families missing out in this thread that just isn't worth addressing.

 

No one could possibly be speaking from their experience at all.

 

I'm one of 6. I understand living with a large family. I never felt anything but loved by my parents and never felt I had to fight for attention. I find the concept strange personally.

 

You might find it strange and I am glad your experience is different but its a reality that many people have lived or are living growing up with siblings.

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got my tinsel on

There is privacy but will there be peace and quiet?

 

Assuming OP became pregnant immediately, baby may very well be a 2 year old when her teen is in her final year of school.

 

And we all know how 2 year olds can be.

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Soontobegran

No one could possibly be speaking from their experience at all.

 

 

 

You might find it strange and I am glad your experience is different but its a reality that many people have lived or are living growing up with siblings.

 

And others don't.

The OP needs to hear both sides of the discussion doesn't she ?

 

I was in a large family, I had a large family and I want to tell the OP that in my experience it is okay.

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DJandJ

My oldest daughter was 15 when our youngest was born. She's doing her HSC this year. There's plenty of time, space, peace etc etc for her to study, have a life. Having a much younger sibling doesn't automatically mean stress and loss. Well managed it can be quite the opposite.

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Stylus

Not her decision to make however it doesn't mean you do not hear her out validating her concerns and reassure her.

 

So much BS about children in large families missing out in this thread that just isn't worth addressing.

 

BS? Um ...well, it wasn't BS when I was experiencing it. The challenges were real! They might not exist for others but they did for me.

 

And the irony of labelling other posts 'BS' after a statement about validating the OP's daughter's concerns and hearing her out ... holy moly.

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Soontobegran

There is privacy but will there be peace and quiet?

 

Assuming OP became pregnant immediately, baby may very well be a 2 year old when her teen is in her final year of school.

 

And we all know how 2 year olds can be.

 

IME other teens in the house can be every bit as noisy

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got my tinsel on

IME other teens in the house can be every bit as noisy

 

Yes, but you can generally reason with them.

 

A tantrumming 2 year old? Nah.

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~Jolly_F~

And others don't.

The OP needs to hear both sides of the discussion doesn't she ?

 

I was in a large family, I had a large family and I want to tell the OP that in my experience it is okay.

 

She should hear all sides for sure but I wasnt the one who called other peoples posts bullsh*t, that was you. Pretty much implying that those those posts were not valid.

Edited by ~Nasty_Jodama~
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Lucrezia Bauble

The Op asked for advice and experiences - and she got it. The good and the bad. People giving "the bad" aren't "struggling to understand that other families dynamics aren't like their own" - they are relaying their own experience - which are valid, and genuine.

 

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Islander

I'm one of 5, with two much younger sisters (12 and 15 years younger). I do remember 'dreading' the arrival of the elder of the two but not a single

negative since they were born. I love them in the deepest most beautiful way. I would NEVER have wanted them before they came, but turns out my parents were right. We all needed those girls. Even during my HSC!

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Ellie bean

...

Edited by Ellie bean
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Kiwi Bicycle

DH had a 13 year gap to his younger brother. He found he became defacto parent, especially when he got his drivers license.

I still remember dating DH at uni and having to avoid a noisy 5 year old who followed me whenever I visited, even to the toilet.

 

DH wasn't very close to his younger brother as they never were in the same place until they were adults and DH also tried to spend as much time as possible AWAY from home as studying, socialising and being expected to be a de facto parent was just too much.

 

Although his younger brother was very much wanted (3rd child, miscarriages beforehand) DH's mother also found that she wasn't really wanting to have a little child with two being more independent and such a large time away from baby phase.. I remember she went wild finding 7 year old brother trying to iron his own clothes and once while trying to make his own lunch, burnt a pot. He was too scared to ask for help and wanted to be like the older two The dream vs reality just didn't work for his family.

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halcyondays

I'm interested in the experiences of other women who were the oldest in large families.

My experience (as the oldest daughter of only 4 children -when I was 14, my youngest sibling was 1) is similar to MarigoldMadge.

But then both my parents are the younger siblings in large families- where the oldest daughter basically left school to look after her younger siblings. It meant that both my parents got to finish high school and eventually go to uni, and I don't think they ever fully appreciated what their eldest female sibling lost because of the way their families were structured.

 

Every family structure is different, and everyone's experience of having a new baby sibling as a teenager is different.

I definitely wouldn't ask for a 14 year old's help in making a decision like this.

I would ask her what her concerns were once the decision was made, and work with those.

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LUV-MY-KIDS

Both my parents come from home with similar age gap. My mum was the last child her sister is nearly 16 years older and she is youngest by 8 years. My mum has never had a close relationship with her siblings but her 5 older all do, but being that they had 5 in 8years then later comes mum.

 

My dad is the oldest and was of 4 and was 15 when his little brother was born. They have never been close and there is a lot of resentment.

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Kallie88

Ultimately i think it's a decision for you and dh to decide what is best for your family. I would definitely be sitting down with dd and trying to talk through her concerns though, if it's financial you might need to let her know there could be some changes but you'll still be able to do most things..or whatever is applicable to your situation. Since you are so close she might be worried about losing that bond to a new baby. I believe that if you and dh want it to work you'll be able to make it work, you just might need to talk through it with dd more than you were expecting. Good luck :)

Edited by Kallie88
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Flowerbombed

I come from a small family, just one sibling. However the age difference between he and I meant we never got along. I was younger by 8 years, I couldn't imagine 14 years. He always resented me for getting the attention (which of course a baby/toddler/child demands) and it carried through to this very day where we have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Obviously other issues came up in due course but I believe it stemmed from the age difference. Perhaps it wasn't handled properly by my parents, not sure, but that's my two cents.

 

Whether your DD's concerns are justified or not, talk them out with her. Maybe she just needs a little time to adapt to the idea? It is a big change.

Edited by Flowerbombed

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Silverstreak

Just popping in. I would pay attention to your DD's opinion, but ultimately the decision is for you and your DH to make. You both decide your family size.

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mother of teen

Not her decision to make however it doesn't mean you do not hear her out validating her concerns and reassure her.

 

So much BS about children in large families missing out in this thread that just isn't worth addressing.

 

It's not BS. It happens. Maybe not in all large families, but that doesn't make it BS.

 

Babies change things. There is no doubt about that.

 

I think it was a mistake to ask the kids their oppinion, but now that you have, I think it is really important to weigh up and address her concerns. Keep in mind that while you think you will have plenty of time and money and space to go round, your daughter may think (quite rightly and logically) that that same amount of time, money and space goes further with 4 rather than 5.

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hampoky

I wasn't asking for opinions of strangers at all. A was asking for other people's experiences. I am not disregarding her opinion at All. I never once said I was. I am very much taking her concerns on board... we as s family always make decision together and our children are always involved. We as parents get the final say , but all there opinions are valid... I didn't think it was strange to ask their opinions , because it will affect them all in one way or another.

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