Meadandspice2015, January 12, 2017 in Large Families
You do not have to put up with this kind of behaviour and your husband is as much of a problem as she is if he's so much as entertaining the idea of purchasing a home for her when she has her own properties that she could sell in order to do it.
I think your partner would benefit from some individual counselling regarding the sheer level of guilt and manipulation involved to have him telling you to watch which brands you buy in one breath and is considering purchasing a property and not charging rent for it in another.
How can he not see the disconnect there?
Before you can do anything else, you really need to get your husband 30000% on your side. Right now he's maybe 60% husband, 40% son. He needs to be 100% husband.
His first responsibility is to you, to your family. He chose you, he stood up in front of people and pledged to be your husband. In that moment he chose to be husband FIRST and son SECOND.
Once you have him onside it will be a LOT easier to confront the atrocious behaviour.
You definitely should. And personally, if my husband was telling me that he was considering buying a property for his mother to live in, rent free, I'd be telling him that the moment he signed the mortgage documents he'd better keep the pen handy because he'll also be signing divorce papers.
You don't have a mil problem you have a husband problem.
Tell him straight that if he goes ahead and buys this apartment it will be his to move into not his mother's as you can no longer continue your relationship that puts his mother over his own family.
Also you don't have to maintain the relationship between yourself and your mil. Distance yourself for your own sake let your husband organise gettogethers with her and the kids. She's not your problem.
What HolidayRomp said. Your MIL sounds utterly deranged - but your husband is the problem. There are all sorts of crazy people in the world - but you didn't marry her - and nor did he.
If he is willing to put impressing her over the financial health of his family, then I think you need to start making plans for how you would survive without him, and then let him know he needs to decide whose family he is in now. And being in your family will include looking after yours and his children's financial welfare, helping you enforce your boundaries with her, and if she continues, not complaining if you decide to no longer attend events where she is present (or only attend on the condition you don't need to be anywhere near her).
Tell him you didn't marry an invertebrate.
Reading your post totally stressed me out because my mil is also batsh*t crazy.
Anyway, only posting here to share something others had to point out to me that realising helped me: keep in mind that your dh thinks all of this is normal because he has grown up with it. He probably has no idea just how crazy and awful she really is.
That's like a ramped up version of my Mil. DP is finding his feet in terms of standing up for us but definitely getting there.
Yes it's his job to do it but what had become clear to me is just how much damage had been done to him by being raised by these people. It's in the way he talks about it, that he knows it's not normal, but it WAS normal to him. It's all he had known. And I'd count it as abusive. It's not as easy as telling him to grow a pair, it's far more complex than that.
Reading your post totally stressed me out because my mil is also batsh*t crazy. Anyway, only posting here to share something others had to point out to me that realising helped me: keep in mind that your dh thinks all of this is normal because he has grown up with it. He probably has no idea just how crazy and awful she really is.
Jiminy Cricket... we need to form a club!
My DP can't fully grasp how unreasonable his mother is because it has been his reality his entire life.
I have to be very careful with how I phrase things, but he can, when it is carefully pointed out, and without seeming to attack her, (she is his Mum after all) can recognise utterly irrational she can be.
I have also realised he simply 'tunes her out' , her rantings and self aggrandisements, her snide digs and her unbearable bragging, it washes past him like the wittering of birds.
I was going to list some of the things she has said, and things my DP has said he feels guilty about...
But I can't as I can already feel my blood pressure rising and I'm not going there today!
But what he DOES do is field her.
She's HIS mother, and he deals with her.
You have my sympathies OP, but whatever you do DO NOT BUY THAT APARTMENT.
She grabbed you by the crotch ??
I agree with the other PPs - you and your husband need to be on the same page about your MIL, or she will destroy your marriage. You cannot say "let's cut our grocery bill this week" and "let's buy an apartment we cannot afford to give to MIL on the same week".
That's crazy town. Central.
And NO - you do NOT have to put up with any of her crazy behaviour. Don't go to family events. Do not invite her to your place and seek counseling so that your husband will realise that she is completely nutty.
Holy crap! Why on earth are you putting up with this?
Start funneling that money somewhere else private OP. I have come through similar and no longer have any contact with the crazy. Their loneliness is not my issue and you shouldn't make it yours. If you need to be equally crazy then go nuclear. I refuse them contact with my children because they don't deserve it if they can't show basic respect for me. I'm not welcoming that sh*t into my life. DH defended them endlessly and they upped the vile to a point where they roped others into the madness and I was being bullied by people I don't even know. So yeah, don't buy that apartment. Or buy it in your name with every intention of moving into it. Make sure it's awesome.
She sounds awful but.... that's his MUM. If he has not chosen to disclipline her behaviour until now, he never will of his own accord. The thing you have to remember is, that to him this behaviour has been normalised because he was exposed to it in his formative years. While you see it as nutty and abusive, he sees it as aww shucks that's just mum. He will see your request as asking him to abandon his MUM simply because you don't like her. Even if he does, he will resent the hell out of that.
The most important relationship here is not with your MIL but with your husband.
But just because he wants to retain a relationship does not mean you have to. Explain to your husband that you will not ask him to abandon his MUM, but that you do not have to subject yourself to her. When she comes over, take the opportunity to dump the kids on her, if you have them, and go get an extended haircut. Go for a walk. Go see a movie. Go read a book in your bedroom claiming a headache. Ever time she comes over!
Then air BnB the hell out of that apartment and be bloody grateful they did not suggest an extension on the house for her to stay with you.
ACT mum - just because she's his 'MUM' does not give her the right to be so downright rude and abusive to his wife.
And there's no way in hell I'd be 'dumping' my kids on her and leaving them alone under that toxic influence. She'd probably come back to kids with haircuts and new tablet devices all signed up in Nanna's name and Mum then gets to be the bad guy by confiscating them. (Ask me how I know).
And being someones' "MUM" does not give you the right to spend their money on an apartment that you do NOT NEED and that your child cannot afford!
This woman is almost literally taking food out of her grandchildrens' mouths in order to live the way she sees fit, funded by her son. If he cannot see that is wrong, then he needs counselling. Hell he might need his wife to leave him in order to realise that putting Mummy Dearest first is going to cost him more than he is willing to lose.
Also - just because he's 'normalised' this behaviour doesn't mean he has to continue to put up with it or continue to accept it as normal. He needs to realise that it's not normal, and that he chose his wife.
His wife also chose him. But she got the MIL in the package, and can choose to disregard her, or refuse her access to the precious grandbabies because MIL won't show any respect or consideration for DIL.
But as for the OP - you can only set your own boundaries. You can't set them for your husband (sadly) but you can put your foot down about real estate investments as a family. You can also refuse to accommodate her in your home, and even though she puts off a "nutty" vibe, you can certainly call her out on her manipulations when they're obvious.
And I can certainly understand why her own family avoids her. I'd avoid her too. And just because she's lonely, you are not 'stuck' with her. Loneliness is a situation of her own creation and she can cry and whine about it all she likes. But she can also solve it without forcing her son into a pseudo-husband role and demanding that he provide her with a home to live in at the expense of his own families' financial security.
Just dont see her. In my case my crazy MIL is a 2 hr drive awat. I just dont go.
Its been 2 yrs since my dd and I have seen her and its been wonderful. I tell my hubby I have to deal with my mum you deal with yours.
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