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The Little Engine

A difficult journey (faith section)

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The Little Engine

I probably should add that I will See Mum on Boxing day and she DD and I are heading away. It's the actual day only I will be alone (although I have 2 sort of options from church I can drop in or another church has a lunch and need volunteers) it's just I'm starting to worry what state I will be in...

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Ellie bean

hugs TLE. Is there someone you can pre arrange to call on the day if you are feeling down?

I think you’re amazing by the way

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The Little Engine

I don't want to draw attention to the situation... I'm pretty sure most will assume I will have the kids but this year I don't. I guess being what would have been a milestone birthday is making it even tougher than Christmas...

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Babetty

I don't want to draw attention to the situation... I'm pretty sure most will assume I will have the kids but this year I don't.

 

It's ok to ask and accept help. You don't "have" to be strong, it's ok to just struggle through it with the support of people that care - whether that care is because they're close to you, or just because you're part of their church family. The phrase "act of grace" came into my head and I can't articulate it, but letting people care is important, not just being the one caring for others.

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The Little Engine

Hi all - long time no post. I got through Christmas and New Year - it was tough but took it one day at a time. The rest of the Summer holidays went way too fast and now back to the craziness of the school year.

 

Finances are a huge concern atm (even more than usual) Will have many thousands of $$ in medical related costs for the kids in near future. I've tried talking to XH but he is refusing to commit to helping financially. He is also not paying any education costs still... Praying hard that he comes to the party somehow- otherwise I will have to swallow my pride and talk to the boys school about fees or pull them out...

 

I just have to try and stay positive - every step of the way when things have looked at their worst something has come through.

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IamtheMumma

Talk to the school. Remove the ex from the equation.

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Vicbitt9

Hi TLE, glad to hear you got through Christmas - I still feel like I’m recovering from mine and it doesn’t begin to compare to your first one without your children (I am a child of divorce and probably should still be thanking God that I never had to have Christmas without my Mum!)

I am going to echo IamtheMumma - take ex out of the equation and you reduce his power, it is worth it to try to talk to the school, from what I gather things like this happen all the time so I very much hope they will help you and your kids.

And if the kids do have to change schools, you will get yourself and them through it. You are filled with amazing strength and grace and I, like many here, admire you greatly.

Xoxo

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Sancti-claws

Most schools encourage you to discuss fees with them if you are struggling, TLE. Take that option now and set your mind at rest.

 

As to the additional medical expenses - surely he will share that too?

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The Little Engine

I'm praying he will help with at least the medical costs- his actions and words late this afternoon were not promising... nor is his track record to help...

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Sancti-claws

Sorry - its not his "decision" to help with medical costs with a child. Do you have any court orders? Hows the MIL lever on this one?

 

Choosing to not pay for your child's private education is one thing (although there as costs involved in even "free" education) BUT choosing to not assist your child with life saving medical intervention is not freaking negotiable.

 

Screaming on your behalf here.

Edited by Sancti-claws

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The Little Engine

It is almost 4 years since I finally left the marriage! So much has changed (good and bad). What a long and painful journey...

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Sancti-claws

(((((TLE)))))

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The Little Engine

It is 4 years today that I finally packed up and left. A huge thank you to everyone who has supported me over the last 4 1/2 years - through the good and bad days.

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The Little Engine

It has been a while since I have updated in here...
I guess like everyone life has been thrown into chaos with Covid-19.  I found some parts of the lock down easy (not having to be anywhere and no rushing around to activities etc) but the isolation was quite difficult at times - not seeing other adults was tough some days - But I assume it was the same for any single adult...

XH has wavered between slightly difficult and impossible.  The biggest issue atm is his (lack of) understanding how to care for DD with her diabetes.  His arrogance has shown and there have been several incidents in the few times she has visited him.  She went on an insulin pump recently and he refused to attend any training.  Any advice/assistance I have tried to offer him has been met with rudeness.  Last time I got "don't be a Hitler" and he shut the door in my face when I calmly asked him to help DD to count the carbs in her meal so that she could dose her insulin.  

Not attending proper church services has been difficult at times.  We have had lovely online ones- but it is not the same...

In other news I signed the divorce papers (for the 2nd time) a month or so back - I have no idea how long they will take to be finalised but I will be relieved when it does.  This is a huge step as a couple of years ago I was adament that I would not get divorced - now I see it is a possibility to begin a new start.

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Sancti-claws

It is a big step.  Just remember that this is not YOUR failing, it is what it is - and I agree, a new start.

And what sort of cretin puts whatever points he thinks he is scoring ahead of his daughter's health?  Has his Mum done any training?  Is she still around and somewhat of an ally?  And how are the boys handling all of this?

I did think of you during lockdown - my daughter does piano so it was skype classes, but her teacher also has a very tiny youtube channel that the music school gave a link to - some "modern classics" but also set himself goals for some very complicated bits too.

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The Little Engine

My Mother in Law is still my rock - I seriously would not have survived all of this without her.   I haven't seen her as much in recent months - but we have been in regular contact.  She has pretty much given up on her son ever improving...  She has been to training at the hospital - and of course I have helped her a lot.  She will ask if unsure - but she knows how to count carbs and only gives Zoe food she knows she can accurately help her dose. 

XH is truly a bully and has lied so much about everything I don't think he actually knows what is the truth anymore :(...  He 'has' to win - and because I never came home will continue to make it as difficult as possible for me.   He occasionally makes rude comments about parent alienation and that I am witholding contact - and alludes to the fact it is child abuse.  On multiple occasions he has commented that he shouldn't have to pay any extra expenses as "I don't let him have her"   

The boys are ok - DS15 is slowly maturing and is certainly not as firey as he was a couple of years ago.  He is much calmer and more reasonable (except for when he is terrorising his little sister lol).  DS 13 is still struggling - I haven't managed to get his mental health sorted and he goes though stages where he can switch from calm and placid to totally off the rails in a few seconds - I guess we can understand where that comes from.  When calm he is very caring and considerate - but if he doesn't like a decision I make he "wants to move to Dads" - My response is always Ok - if that is what you want  - he has never packed a bag...

 

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The Little Engine

I'm trying not to let myself get stressed about the current situation in Melbourne (well Victoria).  Being regional we are somewhat removed from the  immediate danger - but knowing I have to return to the classroom in a couple of days has me concerned.  My DD is high risk and my asthma is becoming worse with all the soaps/sanitisers etc.  Although remote learning was VERY TOUGH and I was never busier, it took away the stress and dangers of catching the virus as we were at home 99% of the time.   XH also doesn't always do the right thing with the boys and has taken them out a few times - so the risk of them catching something is a little higher.  

Praying the numbers improve quickly - but also if there is any risk in regional areas that we can all go to remote learning (I know it hasn't officially been announced for metro schools but very highly likely)

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IamzFeralz
On 10/07/2020 at 4:57 PM, The Little Engine said:

  Although remote learning was VERY TOUGH and I was never busier, it took away the stress and dangers of catching the virus as we were at home 99% of the time.   XH also doesn't always do the right thing with the boys and has taken them out a few times - so the risk of them catching something is a little higher.  

 

Personally I would be very concerned about the risk of your DD catching it via the boys due to your ex still going out and not reducing risks.  Children are more likely to catch COVID 19 in the home setting from another family member who has brought it in, usually an adult.  Have you documented your ex’s practices and if cases do increase in your area have you thought about just unilaterally stopping all visits until the cases are back under control?  I would seek legal advice on this before it gets to that stage.

In our case, we have just mutually agreed to stop visits because I am in a hotspot area and ex has an immune compromised wife.   

 

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The Little Engine

Well... where do I start... XH got married today.  He didn't have the guts to tell me! - Hell he didn't even have the courtesy to let me know the divorce was final (I had discovered myself but that was through contacting the family court). How dare he not let me know so I could brief the children??????  Gutless!

I will admit it has hit me more than I expected - NOT because I am jealous etc.  But because it has hit home how much I have had to sacrifice and that I have NO freedoms but he can do whatever he wants...

He didn't even let his Mum know!

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Lees75

Holy crap! That has shocked me; I can’t imagine how shocked you must feel. I hope you are ok. X

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The Little Engine

I have thought about it a bit. I am shocked, sad and worried.

Shocked- that he could still be so heartless after so long and clearly still feel so hard done by that I dared to leave the marriage

Sad - that clearly he still cannot think about the welfare of his kids, or anyone but himself.

Worried- for my children that they were not able to discuss their thoughts prior to the day. Also worried for his new wife and I hope they are safe.

 

 

 

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DQMission

I don’t belong in this section but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry that this man is either so hateful or so selfish (possibly both) that he would hurt his children and you and his mum like that. I can’t imagine how helpless and frustrated you must be feeling. Your poor kids. :( 

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Vicbitt9

@The Little Engine, what a shock!

It would have been emotional to find out his plans in advance, but to do it in a sneaky way is pretty cowardly.

As you say, he clearly cannot think about his children and the impacts of his actions on them, which is incredibly hard for you and them.

Your kids are lucky though, they have you! As a child of divorce, my Mum never let us down, she worked her guts out and did a pretty good job bringing us up with very minimal input from our father.

There was domestic violence and I still have a visceral fear reaction whenever I see him (I’m 42!) so I was very relieved to not interact with him.

The stability and care that you provide for your kids is invaluable, and ultimately that is an incredibly beautiful thing to protect and cherish.

 

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Sancti-claws

Oh goodness - my BIL did that a few years ago (other side of the world but still shocking especially to his four children, mother and ex)

Definitely a gutless thing to do.

Only silver lining is hopefully he will either (a) be on slightly better behaviour towards you all as he has a constant witness he will try to impress (at least in the short term) or (b) have a new control object that will lessen the pressure on you.  The second I am on the fence about for your sake but still hopeful that it takes you from the focal point.

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Aughra

What a shock!  I hope you're okay TLE.  

10 hours ago, The Little Engine said:

I will admit it has hit me more than I expected - NOT because I am jealous etc.  But because it has hit home how much I have had to sacrifice and that I have NO freedoms but he can do whatever he wants...

I felt this too when my XH moved his new GF in.  They get to start their life over again with all the freedom of their 20s, while we do all the work raising our children.  It feels like they're being rewarded for treating us badly and we are still being punished.  It's not fair but I always think I 'won the prize'.  I have DS and that's all that matters to me.

You should be proud of all you've done for your kids.

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