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The Little Engine

A difficult journey (faith section)

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The Little Engine

New thread title... New user name

 

Same difficult story - of the turmoils the breakdown of a Christian Marriage due to abuse and control.

 

The last thread gave me so much strength, so much encouragement and the ability to help make things seem easier than they previously did.

 

I am hoping this one can do the same.

 

Regular readers of this section of EB will probably know immediately who I am - but feel free to PM me if you want to double check.

 

I will post an update tomorrow - the journey this week has been very tough.

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Sugarplum Poobah

Remember "I knew I could", not just "I think I can"!

 

(I haven't commented before but have seen your story, sending you warm supportive thoughts from a complete stranger.)

Edited by grand poobah
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Ellie bean

I don't belong in this section but just had to say how much I love your new name :)

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Datrys

Glad to see you're still around. Keeping you and yours in prayer.

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Gateaugirl

Still thinking of you and praying for you xx

 

Keep chugging along, you fabulous thing.

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Bone Apple Tea

Thinking of you. I hope you are okay.

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Seaside daisy

Stay strong Little Engine that could

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JinksNewton

Thinking of you. Your journey has been, and is, a very hard one, but I think the destination will make it all worthwhile.

You've got this <3

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The Little Engine

So here I am - almost a year from the original thread - so much has changed but yet I am still stuck in the claws of an abusive marriage and the manipulation and control of my xh.

 

This year has been one of the toughest of my life - and I know for a fact if it wasn't from the regular prayers from close family, friends and some of you lovely people of EB I just may not have got this far.

 

This week EVERYTHING has been flung at me in spades - I have had to take of 2 days of work due to the stress and I feel like I've been through the wringer. I have never cried so much or felt so helpless. But still I am here - I have got through the week and now it's the weekend. The sun is shining and my washing is drying nicely in the wind.

 

Things have now progressed to the legal stage and it's nasty. I wish it wasn't... I wish there was something I could do to click my fingers and it all be over. I was contemplating going with his offer (not arranged through a lawyer at all) just to keep the peace - but I know then I'm giving in... again. I do NOT care about the money at all - I would prefer to move far away - pack up and go on the next train/plane. Just somewhere where it is quiet!

 

I have to remember to stop, breathe and to pray for strength and peace. I CAN get through this. I CAN come out the other side. I CAN protect my kids and help them to understand true values and respect. I AM a loved and cherished child of God.

 

Nic

Edited by The Little Engine
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Freddie'sMum

Hang tough OP. We are all on your side xx

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AKAmum

Stay strong and keep your faith. You've got this far, just think where you'll be in another years time. Free!

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DJandJ

Sorry to hear you've had a hard time. I remember well the stress and fear when my first marriage broke down many years ago. Keep going, you'll get there.

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The Little Engine

I have to get there - I have 3 kids who are dependent on me! 2 of whom seem to be having a very tough time. My mostly calm middle child has been so down on himself today - has threatened to harm himself many times says he doesn't deserve to live :( Breaks my heart as he's been so affected from the tension etc. I'm doing my best to shield the kids...

Edited by The Little Engine

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Jenflea

Are the kids having proper psychological counselling?

I think they need it. Especially if they are talking about self harm.

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The Little Engine

The boys have seen a psychologist several times - but he thinks they are doing really well. I rang yesterday to get another appointment for the middle child after his incidents on the weekend - but cannot get him in for 2 weeks.

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Ellie bean

Thinking of you TLE

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Gateaugirl

How are you going, OP?

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alwayshappy

Nic, so much love and support coming your way.

Hang in there with the counselling for the kids - even when they might think they are doing well, might appear to be doing well or you're being told they're doing well. There is no such thing as too much individual time to be nurtured by a counsellor. Your kids really need that support given the trauma they have witnessed.

 

Use those same children to drive you to a different world. One free from abuse, control and violence. Free them from that experience and know that what you're doing is good for them too.

 

He's going to throw everything he's got at you because you dared walk away. He's losing control and he doesn't like it. Stay firm to your principals. Don't let him wear you down.

 

We've all got your back.

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sunshine_days

Glad to see you back where you can get support and strength (we hope) through us....

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mintyfresh

I read the last thread but didn't comment. I feel compelled to now. You are doing the right thing, you've come such a long way and it will be worth this last push through the legal steps to get it sorted and done.

 

Sending strength and love. I am certain you will get through this. Know that there are lots of us here in your corner.

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The Little Engine

Why is it that I can cope fairly well with everything most of the time - but as soon as xh starts pressuring me either directly or via the kids I fall in a heap and fail at everything? ?? I don't want to play anymore! !!! :( :(

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AmazonBabe

It took me seven years to get over my abusive marriage. It took as long as the entire marriage did, to be able to deal with him in any way that didn't involve me feeling overcome, put down, under pressure, walking on eggshells.

 

What helped, is that I could see that living without him was easier than living with him.

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Chicken Pie

I never responded to your previous post and came across it one day in recent topics as I dont usually visit this section...and read it all...i am glad you still posting OP

 

You are doing amazing, down days are normal and i think will take time before you dont automatically react in the way you mentioned above.

 

From years of abuse and issues, i think your body has developed an automatic way of responding (anxiety/panic attack type thing) as he is simply a trigger

 

Through counselling with that as a topic may help "retrain" or change how you subconsciously process anything relate him so you dont automatically react that way, but stay your strong self

 

again, after years you react in a way you learnt to cope or how he made you feel - dont take those feelings on board or his control, he does it to try wear you down in the hopes of winning and after your history so far HE WILL NOT WIN!

 

Onwards and upwards, a step at a time, a moment at a time - deep breaths and imagine those feelings when they come on just evaporate from you and is replaced with positive light and energy knowing its not you, its him and he has no power

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The Little Engine

Ooops tried to post a picture of the scene of Jenny praying to turn into a bird and fly away from Forrest Gump - I can't even do that correctly today... ahh well

Edited by The Little Engine

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somila

Ooops tried to post a picture of the scene of Jenny praying to turn into a bird and fly away from Forrest Gump - I can't even do that correctly today... ahh well

Tomorrow is another day. (Wrong movie, I know.)

You have done and continue to do amazing things.

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