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Mose

Convincing DS why he won't be at the birth of his sister

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Mose

Looking for any suggestions as to how I explain to DS that he won't be at the birth of his sister. He is really upset about it.

 

DS is 5 (will be nearly 6), and is very excited about the pregnancy (in part no doubt because he had been told for several years that he probably wouldn't be getting a sibling).

 

He has taken a very scientific interest in the pregnancy, in how it all works etc.

 

I do not want him at the birth. He and I can both be pretty emotional, and grumpy, and he is very clingy to me. I also have no barometer as to how I might go in labour, as I had an epidural prior to labour commencing last time due to issues with the induction process, so really not sure how I will go.

 

I don't want to freak him out, but I also want to clearly explain to him why we would prefer him not to be there.

 

I'd appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.

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shanta

Does the hospital allow children in for the delivery?

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Mose

Because we are the parents and we say no

 

This is my plan for if I can't come up with anything else!!

 

 

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Mose

Does the hospital allow children in for the delivery?

 

I think yes. But I should double check - would certainly fix the problem if they don't!

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Riotproof

 

 

This is my plan for if I can't come up with anything else!!

 

It's wonderful he's so excited. I would tell him that birth takes a long time, so he's better off staying with whomever you've arranged. Then promise he and his carer will be the very first visitors to see the baby.

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~sydblue~

Just tell him they won't allow children in there and that someone will take lots of photos for him to look at, and he will get to see his brother/sister as soon as the doctor says he can.

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CallMeFeral

Let him know that it's hard to know when the baby is actually coming, and that doctors don't really like kids being around while they are trying to do stuff.

 

Is it possible to video it for him to watch later? (Or at least set up a camera and if it happens it happens...)

 

My kids visited me during labour, and straight after - that option might pacify him?

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seayork2002

Let him know that it's hard to know when the baby is actually coming, and that doctors don't really like kids being around while they are trying to do stuff.

 

Is it possible to video it for him to watch later? (Or at least set up a camera and if it happens it happens...)

 

My kids visited me during labour, and straight after - that option might pacify him?

 

I love my son I really to in fact he is the self proclaimed boss of our house but no way on earth would I have had his birth not any siblings on camera (video or stills) - I would just explain that

 

"I am very pleased you want to be involved but you will not be coming to the birth but when the baby is born during the day you will be coming to visit as soon as you can and you can help out once the baby is here"

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KACM

Just tell him you'll probably poop!

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Mose

Just tell him you'll probably poop!

 

Haha. Not sure that would dissuade him!

 

So far I have explained that there is a lot of blood, it can take a really long time, and sometimes there is a lot of screaming. He insists he doesn't mind!!

 

Mind you, this is the kid who worked out baby's most likely exit route independently. Offset by the fact that he thinks that if she gets stuck the obstetrician should get a big Crane to pull her out!!

 

His scientific interest in all things pregnancy related greatly exceeds my own (which amounts to doing as I am told, when I am told).

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Lou-bags

I'd try to get to the bottom of why he wants to be there as a first step. It might be that you can fulfil that desire for him in another way.

 

For example, perhaps he really wants to be part of the whole excitement of it- and doesn't want to feel excluded. Could you give him a job to do (outside of the birthing room) that could make him feel important? Maybe he could be the one to make the call/send the texts to the grandparents and other family when she's born? Be in charge of taking the first photos?

 

Does he want to be the first to hold her? In which case could he be nearby with a support person and could come in straight afterwards to be the first to meet her?

 

Then I'd try to explain that it will be lots of hard work for you, and that you'll need to concentrate. That it could take a long time, and be boring.

 

Ok just saw your update- long boring and messy are no deterrents, huh.

 

 

Edited by Lou-bags
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Fizgig

I think that this is one of those times that justifying and explaining is not going to get you anywhere. He is convinced that he wants to be there and that he can handle anything that can happen. Except he has no realistic idea of what it will be like. I would just go with "I asked the hospital and children under 10 aren't allowed in the delivery room (no need to check if this is true). I love that you want to be involved and here is what I need you to do (eg. time contractions before leaving for hospital, help choosing middle name, be first to meet her)".

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greenthumbs

I think yes. But I should double check - would certainly fix the problem if they don't!

 

 

Don't bother checking, I'm sure this is one of those time you should just straight out lie and say no, they don't allow kids. Sorry matey, you'll have to be the first to visit instead.

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JBH

I have a son a similar age, and I would tell him that I am really looking forward to the moment that he meets the baby, and I want to make sure that very special moment happens when I can pay proper attention. I wouldn't be able to focus property while giving birth, so it's better if he comes into the room soon after he baby is born.

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PrincessPeach

I know my BIL and his wife told their 6 year old that he simply wasn't allowed to be there. Fobbed it off as hospital policy.

 

But if that doesn't work, what about putting it very bluntly that you would feel very uncomfortable with him being there as you wouldn't be able to concentrate on what you have to do as you would be worrying about him?

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babybug15

 

 

Haha. Not sure that would dissuade him!

 

So far I have explained that there is a lot of blood, it can take a really long time, and sometimes there is a lot of screaming. He insists he doesn't mind!!

 

Mind you, this is the kid who worked out baby's most likely exit route independently. Offset by the fact that he thinks that if she gets stuck the obstetrician should get a big Crane to pull her out!!

 

His scientific interest in all things pregnancy related greatly exceeds my own (which amounts to doing as I am told, when I am told).

 

I must admit the comment about using a crane made me laugh!

 

As a science teacher I showed 11/12yo video of a birth as part of a unit on reproduction (though there wasn't too much screaming or blood/poop!). You could show him something similar, there are lots of resources out there. That might help address his interest and he might realise that maybe he doesn't need to see you give birth.

 

Then go with telling him he's not allowed in because you said so/the doctor said no/the hospital won't allow it.

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JinksNewton

 

 

I think yes. But I should double check - would certainly fix the problem if they don't!

Doesn't really matter if they do or don't, you just SAY they don't. It's your birth, you don't get outvoted by a 6 year old.

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Fright bat

Just say no. Tell him that it is a private time for you and that it's not a spectator sport. I wouldn't be making excuses or telling lies. "It takes a long time, it's very painful, mummy needs to concentrate and needs daddy to concentrate too. And all the doctors and nurses will be working hard to make sure the baby comes out safely. It's not a place for young kids. When you are a grown up you will see your own babies being born. And that is that"

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BeStill

My son is the same (same age too). He's even gone as far as telling me we can have the baby at home if the hospital doesn't allow kids.

 

For him I know it is a fear of being separated from me and of the uncertainty around what will happen. My plan is a lot of visits with Nanna and poppy leading up to the birth so that when I do go into labour I won't actually mention that's why he's going there. I've told him he can't come and that mummy wants to have the baby in the hospital but now I just change the topic or redirect it when he asks.

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Mose

For the avoidance of doubt, he is definitely not coming. There is no two ways about that. Short of an emergency delivery at home which is highly unlikely, he definitely won't be there.

 

I think I will

- talk to him about what he can do that is special around the time of delivery

- explain why I feel uncomfortable about it, and that ultimately it is me who gets to make the decision

Am pretty sure lying to him about hospital policy is out as a solution because there are too many different ways in which I could get busted.

 

I did wonder about showing him some resources of birthing, but am unconvinced it wouldn't backfire on me and just make him even more interested.

 

Thanks all.

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opethmum

My nephew was the same but the parents said no and stuck to it. It was not nice but it had to be done. Don't make up restrictions that are not true because he will find out eventually and being lied to by parents in an issue that is so close to his heart will not go down well and you could have bigger issues of trust at stake here.

 

Sit him down and just say "Mummy and Daddy have thought through your request but it is a no. We're so glad you love baby already and are excited to meet them, you'll be the first to meet him and Daddy will come and get you and bring you in as soon as baby and mummy are well"

 

Mean that as well and make it clear to everyone else until your DS holds him and sees him and that you have bonded together as a new family no one is welcome to come to the delivery room until you say so that includes grandparents etc and that well meaning people will not be admitted until this happens.

 

Good luck with the birth.

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aquarium2

.

 

I did wonder about showing him some resources of birthing, but am unconvinced it wouldn't backfire on me and just make him even more interested.

 

 

 

a friend of mine did this with her 5 year old daughter and it ended in disaster - her child began inspecting her friends (other small children) to see if their babies were ready to come out!

 

Most people I spoke to definitely thought it was inappropriate to give that much information to a 5 year old.

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seayork2002

a friend of mine did this with her 5 year old daughter and it ended in disaster - her child began inspecting her friends (other small children) to see if their babies were ready to come out!

 

Most people I spoke to definitely thought it was inappropriate to give that much information to a 5 year old.

 

This!

 

I would not show any of this to my son - mind you when I was a teenager I went to a class with my friend who was pregnant (older than me) and saw a birth on tape it was one of the reasons I was in my 20's before I let a bloke near me!

 

so for older kids maybe a great form of contraception??? (I am only half joking)

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Lou-bags

 

Most people I spoke to definitely thought it was inappropriate to give that much information to a 5 year old.

 

Not surprising. People have a lot of hang ups about sex, reproduction and birth.

 

I know plenty of people who have been horrified that I've explained to my DS (who is nearly 3) that the baby I'm currently carrying will be born through my vagina.

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