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Bidi

Surprise no.4 and freaking out

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Bidi

We found out last week that we are having number 4. It has been a week of crazy emotions. One minute I feel excited and the next I can't even handle the thought. The day I found out my eldest 2 (DS7 & DS4) were awfully behaved and I just sat on the couch thinking I would possibly cope. That night my DH freaked out when I told him. He just said he couldn't do it and was to old at 41. I spent the entire night crying. Since then we have talked and he seems to be coming around to the idea but I am worried that I have ruined his life. I feel so guilty that this has happened. We have a van already so car isn't an issue but we will need to build an extension to fit another baby - that will be a massive hassle and expense. I just can't focus on anything and keep thinking that maybe I should have an abortion. But I just don't know if I can go through with it. Then I feel so guilty for even thinking it. My DD is only 18 months old. How will I devote enough time to each one - especially the 18 month old (she will be 2 by then). I had very bad PND with no.3 and I am already feeling really anxious about it coming back with no.4. I read different posts about people saying 4 just sent them crazy. And my husband has a really busy job that sees him away for a few nights a month. I really want this baby though. I am very scared about what people will say and think and what my work will do. Not worried about finances as such as both of us earn good money and we have savings but lord knows what renovations will cost us.I don't really think I have asked any question but just looking for some support. Thanks.

Edited by Bidi

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Gateaugirl

I'm not sure how to offer you support, except to say that one day all these feelings and all the challenges will seem like a distant dream. It sounds like you've made your decision, so I'm not worried about saying that you're going to love this baby to distraction.

 

Forget what other people are going to say, their opinions don't matter. Let it all roll off you and just focus on your gorgeous family. Freak out when you need to, and then keep soldiering on.

 

I know there will be mummas on EB who have big families and wouldn't have it any other way, so I hope they post here for you. Just get some support around you and take care of yourself.

 

Also, it takes 2 to BD, so don't take all the blame for this squishy little surprise. One day when your DH is having a magic moment with this child, you'll realise you haven't ruined his life.

 

Best wishes for the wild ride ahead.

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The Awesome One

You will find the time to devote to your children, life will be busy but you will find your groove and settle into a nice routine after a while. My DS1 was 2 when my twins arrived, he learned to wait his turn, and he helped me with the babies so that he felt involved, every now and again I'd have someone babysit the twins so that DS1 got some 1 on 1 time too.

 

Please don't feel guilty, your DH was just as much a part of making this baby as you were. With the PND,just keep check of yourself and go straight to your Dr if you start to feel it creeping up on you again.

 

Congratulations :)

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FuzzyChocolateToes
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4kids mostlysane

My No 4 was a very much wanted baby but in a three bedroom house it was squishy! When she was born she had her own room and the other two girls shared a room and DS moved into the converted study. Now the two little ones share a room. It's still squishy but we manage. They don't all need their own room.

 

Take some time to get used to the idea of a new bubba - it will all be ok :bighug:

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MelanyD

A lot of it has to do with your hormones from what I can tell. Perhaps go and speak to your doctor about the situation and your fears. Perhaps a plan can be put into place so that PND is not an issue for you again. I can understand the fear of that happening to you again. It's frightening. I had the same thing with my first child. But not with the second. So take comfort in that.

 

If you are financially stable and don't have to worry too much (other than renovating) then I think maybe you need to take a deep breath and relax. It will be ok.

 

And quite frankly, what does your husband have to worry about? He is not too old at 41 to have another child. There are far older men out there with their first child. But I do think you need to be kind to yourself, and if you want this baby, have it. If there is no medical reason to abort, don't do it.

 

But do what is right for you and the baby.

 

It will all come right. I promise.

Sending love.

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LiseM

I totally understand how you feel! We had a suprise no. 4 last year, and it took until I was 20 weeks pregnant to really embrace the idea and be fully excited.

For us, 4 is no harder than three, and my older kids (they were 11, 8 and 4) are fantastic with him! Life IS really busy, but it was anyway, and our older boys have to share a room (only down side is the boy smell!), but it is so much fun! Our little one is a total sunshine, and worth all the angst.

Feel what you need to feel with no guilt (hard I know!), but it will all be Ok. There are always comments, and sometimes negativity, but they can kiss my baby-making ass! A little feist and a smile go a long way. All the best, you've got this!

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amaza

I'm in almost the exact same position except we don't have the van and our finances are woeful. I haven't had a chance to get my head around it yet and having a sick DD this week (also 18 months) has pushed me to a stressed breaking point :( I feel you.

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gemgirl

We had 4 under 5! Crazy, but it worked out, and it's getting easier every day.

 

I don't know if you really need an extension. Two of ours share, which isn't ideal but works while they're young. '

 

Good luck!

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yellowtulips74

I'm the oldest of 4. For most of my childhood all 4 of us shared one bedroom. At age 18 I was still sharing with my 2 sisters. We only ever had one bathroom for the 6 of us.

All of us are really great friends now... We all believe that the reason we get along so well was because as kids we had no option but to sort out our differences, being all in the same room. Please don't feel you need a bigger house!!

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IamtheMumma

You most definitely haven't ruined his life. If 3 kids didn't, I don't see how 4 could.

 

Because you've had PND, you (and the health professionals) will be on the look out for early signs and manage things early if it appears. I had PND with my first, bad bad bad PND with the next pregnancy and none with the last. Headspace and planning can make a huge difference.

 

You don't need an extension until they're teens. That is when kids really need their own space but it also depends on their personalities.

 

There is a big difference in development between an 18 month old and a 2.5 yr old. She won't be as dependent in the hands on way that a younger bub is.

 

Take some time to find the quiet and listen to your heart. If you want to continue with the pregnancy, who gives a toss what anyone else thinks. If you don't, there's plenty of support for you on EB but it might help to also see a counsellor if you feel guilty.

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DZP

My 4th was our only unplanned baby and it couldn't have come at a worse time. I had a 1 year old, twin babies including one who is SN, I was a full time uni student and DH was an apprentice. Our house was a tiny run down dump that leaked when it rained, as was our car. We don't have a tremendous amount of family support, so we did it all ourselves.

 

She is now 1o years old, and was such a dream baby we went on to have 3 more. Having a 4th child wasn't the end of the world, we set our goals and still achieved them.

 

They share bedrooms, it's never been an issue. In fact, with them hitting and getting close to the teenage years and with all the technology they all have now days, it's a blessing in disguise them not being able to hide away in their room alone.

 

.

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Guest canadianmum

Ours share rooms (two share a bed) and DH is 51, I am 41 and our youngest is 1.

 

I hope you feel better about things soon.

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lovedupmumma

First off, CONGRATULATIONS!

 

Secondly, you have every right to feel freaked out, and it's still such new news you'll still be processing it all.

 

I really want this baby though.

 

Hold onto this. Only you know what you can handle and what is right for your family, but it seems that a part of you is happy about this baby.

 

I had very bad PND that I sought no treatment for (stupidly) from DS1 until DS2 was 3 (5 years). Before #3 I went to a psychologist to touch base while I was feeling good about things to establish a relationship in case it happened again. Fortunately it didn't, for a variety of reasons, but I have since seen her (when DS3 was about 2), and it was great to have seen her before, she had my background stuff already so we could jump right in. I'm always less forthcoming when I'm not doing well so that was helpful.

 

I would recommend finding someone to talk to, a counselor or psychologist, it can be helpful to work through what you actually want when your head is all over the place. A lot can be covered under Medicare now too.

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KaBoKaYim

Firstly Congratulations. My DH is 45 when our 2nd one was born this year.

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The Awesome One

Our surprise was just the encouragement DH needed to get a vasectomy. ������

lol ours was too, DH was saying just the other night that he really needs to get it sorted (learn from us people, don't trust your infertility as your contraception lol).

 

My 2 older boys share a room, then DD and DS3 will have their own rooms, DS3 hasn't been around long but they haven't had a problem sharing, and it actually helped DS2 go to sleep when he was told instead of staying up playing with DD.

Edited by Feral Madam Mim
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Bidi

Thank you so much for everyone's kind words. I am still so confused. It just seems the world is made for families of four not 6. Stupid things are stressing me - where do you holiday with 4 kids? the place we stay every year only houses 3 kids max. Can you even holiday with 4? Will my husband and I ever be able to have date night ever ever again? I gave away a heap of my baby stuff to my sister - is it rude to ask for it back?

 

I think that being sooooooo sick is making it ten times worse. I just want to go to bed and sleep or vomit. This baby is really trying to prove it is healthy and thriving by making me as sick as dog. I am only 8 weeks and feel massive already. Kids are waking at 5am for some reason and I keep thinking its the worlds way of warning me that I will never get sleep again if I have no.4. Been really lucky in the past and my 3 have slept through from about 11 months. Will this one be the one that wakes every hour til it is 5???

 

DH now says he is scared he wont cope but will support me in whatever decision I make. I don't want to make decisions about life. Mind you next minute he is up in the roof looking at whether we could build an attic rumpus and bedroom. Good god I am just so confused.

 

Going to my GP/obstetrician tomorrow morning. He can't make a choice for me but can at least better explain my options. Mind you i have read everything on the net. I can't imagine killing my baby even if it isn't a baby yet. But can I imagine going through with no.4???

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GlitterFarts

Congrats hon!

 

I had a 4th 'bonus blessing' baby and basically your OP could have been mine (then DH lost his job, lol, cue end of the world apocolipse here). My other baby was only 6months old too.

 

Breathe. Just breathe. Then speak to your medical team asap about your mental health before anything else, thats my advice. Making decisions while so stressed is never a good thing IME.

 

And remember, EB is here, whenever you need us. EB literally handed me my sanity and held my hand for the entire 9months, we can be there for you too. :D

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Oriental lily

I gave birth to number 4 in April. He was very much planned and wanted .

 

Life's hectic but good. By far he is the easiest of my babies . Just sleeps and smiles . Very content little person .

 

We are all ridiculously smitten by him .

 

Deffinetly get a mental health plan sorted with your history of PND . Be pro active about it so you will feel in control of the black dog and will not fear it as much .

 

I suffer from GAD that tends to worsen post birth and I saw sociel worker a couple of times during my pregnancy .

 

Currently massive stressors have flared it up but being aware of it and coping strategies makes things a bit better . Dh is brilliant support as well .

 

Good luck with it ,

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Veritas Vinum Arte

As PP have said extension can wait. My kids are 6,8,10 and we are only just starting to organise the extension.

 

The boys have been sharing since they were 1,3 yrs of age..... They enjoy it so much in fact that our initial plans are to try and have the boys rooms side by side upstairs with a collapsible divider as an interim stage so they can have one big room or two smaller rooms until one decides to permanently have the wall filled in.

 

 

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Gateaugirl

I can't talk from experience, but I imagine that one day all these worries will feel meaningless. Life's like that. In a few years you'll have 4 kids who sleep through the night, cause delightful chaos on family holidays, and the little one will probably ask to watch the equivalent of Frozen for the 78th time with the babysitter on date night.

 

Maybe it's time to ask all these mums with 4 for their best strategies for coping with 4, especially in the areas you feel most worried about. And as others have mentioned, a mental health plan is essential.

 

And you can totally ask for those baby clothes back if she's not using them. Otherwise opp shops have plenty of cheap stuff.

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amaza
Thank you so much for everyone's kind words. I am still so confused. It just seems the world is made for families of four not 6. Stupid things are stressing me - where do you holiday with 4 kids? the place we stay every year only houses 3 kids max. Can you even holiday with 4? Will my husband and I ever be able to have date night ever ever again? I gave away a heap of my baby stuff to my sister - is it rude to ask for it back?

 

I think that being sooooooo sick is making it ten times worse. I just want to go to bed and sleep or vomit. This baby is really trying to prove it is healthy and thriving by making me as sick as dog. I am only 8 weeks and feel massive already. Kids are waking at 5am for some reason and I keep thinking its the worlds way of warning me that I will never get sleep again if I have no.4. Been really lucky in the past and my 3 have slept through from about 11 months. Will this one be the one that wakes every hour til it is 5???

 

DH now says he is scared he wont cope but will support me in whatever decision I make. I don't want to make decisions about life. Mind you next minute he is up in the roof looking at whether we could build an attic rumpus and bedroom. Good god I am just so confused.

 

Going to my GP/obstetrician tomorrow morning. He can't make a choice for me but can at least better explain my options. Mind you i have read everything on the net. I can't imagine killing my baby even if it isn't a baby yet. But can I imagine going through with no.4???

 

Honestly, if you want to PM me to talk please do. I was nodding along with your first post and then again with this one. I feel exactly the same!! I am not quite as far along as you but the feelings are all there for me too. It's SO confusing.

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Hypnic Jerk

I shared a bedroom until my siblings moved out. I'm fine. Allegedly.

 

I grew up with a close friend who had 2 sets of bunks (4 kids) in one standard size bedroom. Plus other kids in other rooms.

 

Her dad was a police officer and it was a police house so they didn't get much choice as it was a temporary location that went on, and on, and on.

 

There's 18months between my 2. One has a disability. Really really hard when they were younger but it's an AWESOME gap now. They babysit each other for me. And one gives speech therapy to the other, whether he likes it or not.

 

And PND can be planned for now. You have a head's up.

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Mamabear2010

I am 18 weeks pregnant with a surprise (shock!) number 3. I am still coming to terms with it- I have good days and bad days.

 

When we first found out, I went through all the emotions that you're experiencing: how will we cope, what about all the things we had planned, what will people think, what about my health, etc. The early days of morning sickness felt like a constant reminder of what was happening. When I first got my bump, I couldn't look at it.

 

My resolution has been to take one day at a time. I allow myself the bad days and the good days. I don't try to make myself feel excited, but I don't let myself wallow either. I say to myself "Can I make it through today?".

 

I gave away all my baby clothes and maternity clothes and I have been so blessed with various offers from friends. It all falls into place.

 

As for my dh, I was worried about how he'd cope because he was more adamant than me that 2 was enough. He went through his own emotional battle, but he's come to a place of acceptance much easier than I have.

 

All the best, OP. I totally understand what you are experiencing. My advice is to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.

Edited by Mamabear2010

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yoohooyou

OP I had this with my surprise third last year. I relied a little too much on infertility as contraception and my second was only just four months when I found out. I seriously did consider my options, but DH said don't be stupid, we'll be fine, and it was.

 

It's been hard with the really small age gap as the second one is still so much a baby, I'm crazy busy a lot of the time and feeling my 40 year old age. But he's my easiest sweetest baby and an absolute joy. I literally did nothing to accommodate him and he has slotted in so well. He started sleeping through from six months, and while our house feels a lot smaller, its manageable. childcare is a killer, but now that I'm back at work things seemed to have worked out great as I love my job.

 

My DH also initially freaked out about his age (45) but he quickly worked out there were heaps of people we know just starting their families at that age rather than absolutely making sure they were finished (he had the snip when I was six months pregnant.)

 

Take some time. I wasn't excited until he was actually here but now I'm just so glad things worked out the way they did.

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