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bree18

How did you deal with negative comments from friends/family when talking about a fourth child?

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bree18

Hi. I have three children and would love a fourth (or more ). When i mention having a fourth child to others they always have a negative comment. Today one of my best friend's said something like she doesn't want to hear about it if we decide to. I know she is feeling past the baby stage of her life but it really hurt me. How did you deal with everyone else's opinion?

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GlitterFarts

I usually think 2 things

 

- 1. Opinions are like aseholes, everyone has one and noone really wants to hear from it

 

And 2. They are projecting their own issues onto you because if you can do it, then THEY must have done/chosen/whatever wrong and that must never be so YOU have to tow the line to make THEIR choices the correct one. TL:DR? Their issue not yours.

 

How to deal? Be honest. Tell them to STHU

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Quay11

How easily upset are you? Would a reply like "yes, we're absolutely nuts but we're so excited about adding another child to our family" be out of character?

 

Being a bit self deprecating and then just going on with things anyway? Four kids can be a lot for some people (eg me) and not for others (eg you) - like PP, people project their own issues so it's not about you personally.

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Oriental lily

People feel like it's their 'right' to somehow comment about everything .

 

No kids? Comments .(selfish you will regret it Ect )

1 child ? Comment (you will raise a spoilt tyrant, they will be lonely Ect)

2 kids ? Comments (Fine if you get a pigeon pair but if you have two of the same sex then you NEED to try for a third to get that missing child )

3 kids? (You are barmy if you have already that pigeon pair but your still asking for more than you can handle after all parents only have two sets of hands )

4 kids (you need to watch more telly, you need a new car, your going to be finacially crippled, Ect Ect )

 

 

Plus you will get judged if your young or old doing all the above .

It's funny most people hate the comments and judgments when they are on the receiving end yet most do the comments to other people anyway .

 

I have definitely felt the comments this time around yet when we say this one is a boy baby they congratulate us for achieving our goal which annoys me even more !

 

We did NOT have a fourth child to get a boy child . We wanted a child , a new member of the family . Not a baby with dangle bits between the legs . Of course we are excited about having our boy , but sex of the child was never part of the decision making to go for a 4th .

 

We have not 'achieved some personal goal, DH is not extra thrilled because he is getting a son

 

But yep op...... people will comment .

Edited by Oriental lily
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Ho Ho No

Doesn't want to hear about something that's really important to you? What a GREAT friend. :rolleyes:

 

How hard is it to say something nice, wish someone the best, even if you don't agree with their choices?

 

I'd say "What, you don't want to hear about it ever? Like, should we tell you when he/she is born? Or invite you to their first birthday party?"

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**Xena**

I just didn't tell my family we were trying for a fourth because I knew they would try to get me not to. My friends were pretty supportive though.

 

Once we were pregnant there were a couple of comments that weren't great, but then my family got happy for us.

 

My husband and I are very happy, so that's what really matters :)

Edited by **Xena**
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GlitterFarts

On this note - we are completely over the comments on us NOT having a 5th - its constant!!! Its almost like if they forget to say it once, we'll rush out and have another baby immediately!

 

*note - we are definitely NOT planning another baby.

 

So April 1st is coming up. .. might be the perfect time to get our message across. .. :grin:

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Ariah888

I actually started to pretend that number 4 was an accident just to protect myself from such comments and nastiness particularly from family...

"how can you have a forth when your brother is still trying to conceive number one' ' don't you know what that does to the environment'.

I hated doing it but it saved me alot of tears and justifications

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The Awesome One

We didn't tell anyone, only my best mate knew when we were ttc for a 4th, and I only told her because I knew she would be supportive (and I am pretty sure I posted about it on here), no one else knew. It never happened in the end and we gave up (clearly it was meant to be as 2yrs later I'm now pregnant with surprise baby number 4).

Edited by Feral Madam Mim
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Soontobegran

We didn't tell anyone because we were really not TTC but the comments flowed once we did announce our 4th pregnancy.

Mainly they were pertaining to the fact that we were 'trying to get another sex' but very often we were told we were crazy and every other negative you could imagine.

Some of these were family members.

 

I pretended to be oblivious and unaffected but inside I was only angry.......I wasn't hurt as such...just annoyed .

 

Now when we announced # 5 it made the # 4 comments seem mild :)

 

It is not up to anyone else to decide how big your family may be......just try to not let it bother you because ultimately people who do try to rain on your parade really do not matter.

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bree18

Thanks everyone. I think with my family I brush it off easier but today I just felt so unsupported by my friend that it just really got to me. Her support was very important to me going through IVF and several miscarriages to have my two youngest and its hard to think I won't have that support from her in the same way again. But I guess friendships change and its what I and DH decide that matters, not anyone else's opinions.

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mumto4boys

Don't give up on the friendship. It was also possibly just a throw away line and she may be completely different and still supportive should you have a 4th.

 

 

I honestly can't remember any negative comments with our 4th. There possibly were some, I just don't remember them.

 

I never complained about 3 being a handful though so maybe that made a difference. I have a friend with two and everything overwhelms her. Every bit of parenting it just so hard. When she announced her 3rd I think many were shocked. She's actually not a bad parent, she just likes to complain.

 

I think if someone really is struggling with whatever number they are up to and knowing work at conceiving another, not just are they nuts but they wouldn't want to ask me for much more help. I don't think I'd ever actually say this to anyone though.

Edited by mumto4boys

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mummy3

I have 4 and I got all sorts of comments telling me I was crazy etc. To be honest though I wish I had listened to them:(

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Natttmumm

I would take it as a throw away line and not take it too personally. We all make our choices in life or have the number of kids decided for us so its just one of those things isnt it.

 

I think 4 is a large number for todays standard and when ever you go against the norm people comment. Its the same if you choose to have one or just get one - im sure everyone comments.

 

I have 3 and got many comments on 3 as I assume 2 is the normal. I just brushed that off but I make sure I dont complain to those people when I have found 3 tough (which it has been). I once complained to my MIL - who said to me "we never understood why you had 3 - you were suited to 2 kids cant understand anyone who has more" Peeved me off and i always say 3 is easy now as i know she thought long and hard to have a third and due to health didnt

 

Our close relative has 4 in 6 years and its very interesting family and friends reactions - its almost as if some are jelous they cant or didnt have a large family. Its like others get happy when she finds it hard. I think people want to justify there ouw decisions by looking around and saying - gee im glad I only had 2

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GlitterFarts

That is one thing that infuriates me - my friend can whinge to high heaven about her two kids but whoa nellie if I say anything the least bit negative about mine!

 

People around us used to say all kinds of crap about having 4 kids - until I lost my sh*t and ranted about how for all their complaining about MY choices, they are never asked to - babysit/listen to my whinges/buy anything for us/do anything for us and until that day happened (ie hell freezing over) they were to STFU.

 

Peace is really nice now :grin:

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YodaTheWrinkledOne

Thanks everyone. I think with my family I brush it off easier but today I just felt so unsupported by my friend that it just really got to me. Her support was very important to me going through IVF and several miscarriages to have my two youngest and its hard to think I won't have that support from her in the same way again. But I guess friendships change and its what I and DH decide that matters, not anyone else's opinions.

this. remember this.

 

Given your friend has made that comment, I simply wouldn't discuss it any further with her. She can find out when/if you are pregnant with the larger group of people that you know, rather than the smaller group of family and friends who are supportive.

 

Sorry, but I think her comment was out of line, I would not be confiding in her any more about what you and your DH decide to do for your own family. It sounds like she doesn't want to be there for your on this particular TTC journey, which is her call, but I realise that would hurt.

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Sixx

I get really mean comments when I tell family I'm pregnant I try to ignore it as much as possible they are not scrubbing my floors, cooking, teaching, caring for and cleaning my children when they start to be responsible for those things then they can tell me what to do! My sister told me her husband wants to keep going and have as many kids as possible all of a sudden after nearly walking out on her till she found out she is having her first boy, my sister is older and has had 8 + miscarriages, compilations in her two pregnancies babies had to be born preemie, 3 ectopics, 3 surgeries, tube removed, 5years of infertility, requires major spinal surgery the Drs have told her no more all these complications are too much etc STILL when she told me her husband wants her to keep going' I smiled and said that's good, yes I do worry about her but at the end of the day it's not my place to say anything negative its her body and her marriage and she must of already thought those things through and doesn't need bad comments. mind you she was first inline to criticise me when I had more than two but that's just how it is - a different story when the shoe is on the other foot! Do what you want op its your family and your decision xx

Edited by Fivebubs

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*Enigma*

When we announced number three there were comments along the lines of already having one if each and 'not needing' another.

 

Got quite a few sarcastic responses when no 4 was announced. I think a few people ended up feeling quite guilty because we lost that one. Got nothing but positive responses when we announce we were expecting again.

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PeninsulaGirl

When we announced we were have a third, my delightful BIL lectured me on how it was selfish to have more than two children, and that we should be happy with what we've got. And even added what if this third baby is disabled and we regret it and it ruins our other two kids lives. I was so disgusted I have barely been able to speak to him since (thankfully we rarely see them) and it forever changed my opinion of him.

 

The lesson - these kinds of comments are really about the person saying them, not about you or your family. They reflect their fears and prejudices not yours. You want a baby, you can love and care for it, you have that baby! And love and enjoy every minute of it!

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It's a Mummy

Do you think it's coming from a place of concern? If she's supported you through your infertility journey, she's going to be aware of the toll IVF can take, and is worried about you putting yourself through it again?

 

It's obviously not her decision, and of course you and your husband have spent more time thinking about the pros and cons than anyone, but I think this is a little different from your standard busybody comment that everyone seems to cop.

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~river song~

I don't discuss my family planning with friends or family really so it's not up for discussion.

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ikealover

Normally grin and bare it but once, just once wished Id said firetuck you.

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TheFirstNoel

Act calm, casual and happy.

 

Yep, I know I'm crazy but I'm excited!

 

Yep, will have my hands full, full of love!

 

Yep, I don't know how I'll cope, but it will be fun along the way!

 

 

People did think we were insane. Funny how they came around when there was a gorgeous squishy baby to cuddle!

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