Jump to content
Jelly Bee

Using embryos stored from IVF with previous partner

Recommended Posts

Jelly Bee

Hi there, i last visited these forums some years ago, my then partner and I did a couple of rounds of IVF through MIVF - they were unsuccessful, and the process was so trying our relationship didn't make it. We have frozen embryos from the process.

 

5 years later we are both single, very good friends although there's no chance of a reconciliation, and in late 30's. The thought of using those embryos has crossed my mind, and he is not opposed although obviously much needs to be talked about.

 

Just wondering if others had thoughts, especially those who have become pregnant as single mums. I would be totally alone in practical terms if choosing this path, as I have no family close by. It might not even work anyway.

But, the idea that I could tell the child the they were conceived in love and that their father was absolutely the love of my life makes this more attractive than a donor route to me.

 

Has anyone done anything like this, or thought about it? Any recommendations?

Share this post


Link to post
Phascogale

Are you prepared for the father to actively parent this child? It's half his genetic material, he may want to be a big part of this child's life. He could go 50/50 with the living arrangements.

Share this post


Link to post
just roses

If you both agree then yes, I think I would do it.

 

Would your ex want to be a father in a practical sense?

 

The fact that you get on well means you may well co-parent a lot better than a couple who conceive a baby on the brink of a marriage breakdown.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Jelly Bee

He actually lives in another country and spends a month here annually currently. I would be thrilled if he chose to return (he has citizenship through our previous relationship) and be an equal part of the childs life.

 

If he did not, that would be ok too. His choice, though I would do all I could to visit there often so any child would know him and his family.

Share this post


Link to post
YodaTheWrinkledOne

If you are both on board with it and agree, then yes, I would definitely consider it.

 

If your XH doesn't want to be a father, then no.

 

It's not an isolated decision and going this route would mean that your XH will always be a part of your life while you have a child together. How will that work for both of you if either of you partner again, etc?

Share this post


Link to post
AnotherFeral

I haven't been in this situation but in the situation you describe, combined with my personal views, yes I would transfer the embryos or possibly donate them if that was the better option.

Share this post


Link to post
librablonde

I know this probably goes without saying, OP, but please ensure you both sign an iron-clad legal agreement before doing this. Don't rely on promises and your history with anyone. Also, you need to speak to Centrelink about child support issues. I know this kind of arrangement can work but it depends on close communication and a legal contract if things go awry.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Chicken-little

I say go for it, but as PP's have said, make sure you have a watertight agreement so you both know where you stand.

Share this post


Link to post
Silver Girl

I think it could be a good idea if considered carefully.

 

One thing that comes to mind - it would be difficult to do it on your own (as with any sole parent). When I had a newborn, I remember thinking how much more overwhelming it would be if I didn't have DH. Maybe visit the One-Parent forums to get some pointers about coping without the support some new mums have.

 

All the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Starrydawn

I know people whose ex has been their donor and it has gone well and others who have gone to courts and had horrible situations. You would need an agreement but even an agreement has no legs if he wanted to get nasty and go to court for shared care etc.

 

My DD is donor conceived but with a clinic donor so all the above are not an issue.

 

Another hurdle is centrelink who will want you to go for child support if he is on the birth certificate as the father. They will reduce payments if you don't. I know people who have produced their arrangements and got around this but usually the father is not on birth certificate with known donor situations.

 

As for if you could be a single parent. Look it is hard very hard in the early days. But many have gone before you. It is easier if you have support but totally still do able with none. You can join the SMC Australia forum and you will get a lot of advice and support from the ladies there.

Share this post


Link to post
alwayshappy

For the child, no doubt this is a much better option than an anonymous or known donor scenario.

It will really come down to what you can negotiate with your ex partner.

Share this post


Link to post
opethmum

I would contact a solicitor and work out a plan that you and ex are happy with before you undertake the IVF. You definitely want to go eyes wide open before you step foot in the IVF process.

Share this post


Link to post
funnygirls

I just wanted to share my experiences as a single mother by choice.

 

I used an anonymous donor to concieve my ds who is now 2.5. It has been the most amazing, rewarding experience of my life and I couldn't imagine my life without him. But I have had the amazing support of my Mum and without her I don't know if would have coped.

 

It is important to have some support around you, even if it is friends.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

Share this post


Link to post
sharon4152

www.smcaustralia.org.au

 

As you two are no longer together - you could go through the clinic as donor and recipient (you will have to talk to MIVF about this).

 

If you do that the clinic can give you a letter saying you concieved via donor (your ex is now your donor).

 

Legal advice would be necessary.

Share this post


Link to post
Silver Girl

Couldn't it get tricky if she had the father in the "sperm donor" category, in case they were to reconcile? Just thinking of last week's episode of Australian Story where an anonymous sperm donor met and fell in love with the mother of his child. He's not recognised as the child's legal father.

 

It could be complicated either way and I agree with PPs that legal advice is a must.

Share this post


Link to post
Jelly Bee

Thank you so much for your words everyone. There's so much to think about - I don't even know what types of things you might want in an agreement? I think the first step is to see if he is willing to move forward with it, chat about the role he'd like, and take it from there.

 

I am really wanting this to work out ... those embryos were so wanted.

 

Checking out the single parents forum is a great idea, thanks :)

Share this post


Link to post
moved

I'd also suggest you both consult solicitors and get it worked out beforehand. You would need his 100% buy in and agreement, and both to be in agreement about what you agreed in terms of his involvement financially and personally as a father. Also, I'd beware that if changed his mind, the courts might permit changes too (ie; shared care etc).

Share this post


Link to post
Shaynavyre

Did you sign any legal documents regarding ownership and access to frozen embryos when you started the IVF?

 

I know we had to, but I don't know whether thats a SA thing {The dark state that makes it really hard for single women / same sex couples...} or an overall thing.

 

Get a copy of this and take it to your solicitor and ask. It may be hard for them to void the existing agreement, Probably worth utilising your clinic's counsellor for a phone hookup discussion too.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Announcements

×
×
  • Create New...