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Attard125

No kissing no sex

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Attard125

Hi guys I'm sure this is a question that's been asked many times before. We had our baby 3 months ago, things are ok between us and we do talk and make time for each other but there is no chemistry between us anymore. I spoke to my partner and explained how I feel and that I felt unwanted as we don't even kiss anymore.she keeps telling me her feelings to words me haven't changed and she does not no why. I'm trying to understand that this is normal but I'm starting to loose the affection towards her and not sure how long our relationship is going to last like this.

Any help or suggestions greatly appreciated

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anotherid

It is totally normal, especially when breastfeeding. It is just nature's way of helping to ensure that children are spaced out! I don't have time for a really lengthy reply, but please please please be reassured that it is totally normal and it improves at around 12 months.

 

Please be patient while you wait.

Edited by anotherid
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Tigster

Completely normal. She loves you very much but the first few months or even up to a year can be an emotional and physical drain on mums.

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BetteBoop

It can be a lonely time for a new dad if mum basically falls in love with the baby.

 

When my baby was 3 months old all my emotional needs were met by her. I didn't feel as though I wanted more affection.

 

If anything, when the baby wasn't needing me, I just wanted to be left alone.

 

Having a baby is a massive change to your lives as individuals and your life as a couple. Marital satisfaction can be very low after the birth of the first baby.

 

Give it time. It's a very normal part of life for new parents. It doesn't last for ever or every child would be an only.

 

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Pull Up A Beanbag

She's either just pushed a large object from her vagina, or been chopped open.

 

She has a baby attached to her most of the day either for cuddles or breastfeeding.

 

She's probably sleep deprived, even if you are the world's most helpful husband.

 

I'm not surprised she's not terribly in the mood for sex.

 

It's only been 3 months. Back right off. Hold hands on the couch, or just rest a hand lightly on a shoulder. If she shrugs you off it's because she's probably completely touched out and needs some space.

 

She says she loves you. Roll with that. Be nice to her and enjoy your new baby, and make sure she's getting some time where she doesn't have to be near anybody at all.

 

If it's still happening 3 years from now, it's a problem.

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Attard125

Look desir everyone else is being helpful and you are just being immature with comment like back off, if you Camry reply with something that may help keep your comments to yourself

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clockcar

Our relationship was difficult in the first 12 months of having our baby. I just gave similar advice to my sister, hang in there as it will improve as your baby grows.

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opethmum

I would not pressure her, give it time, she possibly feels bad within herself that she can't give any more, raising a a newborn is hard work as you no doubt know. Things in the libido department for most women is so low to non existent after child birth. Be patient.

 

If she is breastfeeding she is possibly struggling and like a pp said she is possibly being all touched out and craves solitude where possible. Being new parents is tough and I think you should back off for a little while, there are plenty of other ways to show love and care but right now you need to consider her needs above your own.

 

If you keep forcing the issue about physical intimacy, you could get her feeling resentful and it could harm your long term relationship.

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~river song~

Patience is key at this point. It's great you guys are communicating though. Just keep going with that so you can always talk about it.

Physically her body is still recovering, hormones are still provably whacked out and chances are she just has no libido. It can also be a scary prospect to have sex again after having a baby as it can often be painful for a while.

Of course you have needs, and if you can be patient and find other ways to experience intimacy for now, she'll come back to you.

 

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Attard125

I don't push for sex or to kiss or anything I just want to make that clear

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Guest canadianmum

I don't push for sex or to kiss or anything I just want to make that clear

 

 

It's okay, the fact that you are asking the question shows you care.

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opethmum

Look desir everyone else is being helpful and you are just being immature with comment like back off, if you Camry reply with something that may help keep your comments to yourself

 

Forget what I said, you come across as a petulant child wanting his cake now, she was being sensitive to your situation.

 

Were you hoping that there is a magic pill, saying the right thing to get her back in the sack?

 

If my DH pressured and used emotional blackmail like you have possibly used on your partner, he would be out on his ass.

 

Get your act together, she has recently given birth and at this time biology is working the way it should by prioritising your newborn at the expense of all else, roll with it and man up.

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dirtyhoe

You need to give her a kiss yourself, don't expect her to make all the effort, she is tired and busy! Try and spend some time with her with no expectation of sex. Just together time to help your relationship.

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clockcar

Actually I think you're being immature. It's just three months and your affections are waning and you're wondering how long you'll stick around for? To be blunt, grow up. She's told you her feelings haven't changed, she still loves you, so you need to leave it at that. The baby has to come first for a bit. If you can't handle three months, then that's a pretty poor effort.

 

Do you even know what its like for a male partner to feel second place to a new baby, to not feel that he can connect with his partner and she seems different? I do not, I cant possibly know but try to understand

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Nasty Bunsen

Look desir everyone else is being helpful and you are just being immature with comment like back off, if you Camry reply with something that may help keep your comments to yourself

 

Actually her post pretty much nails what it is like in those first months.

 

 

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clockcar

She's either just pushed a large object from her vagina, or been chopped open.

 

She has a baby attached to her most of the day either for cuddles or breastfeeding.

 

She's probably sleep deprived, even if you are the world's most helpful husband.

 

I'm not surprised she's not terribly in the mood for sex.

 

It's only been 3 months. Back right off. Hold hands on the couch, or just rest a hand lightly on a shoulder. If she shrugs you off it's because she's probably completely touched out and needs some space.

 

She says she loves you. Roll with that. Be nice to her and enjoy your new baby, and make sure she's getting some time where she doesn't have to be near anybody at all.

 

If it's still happening 3 years from now, it's a problem.

Cant see where this is immature??

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opethmum

Do you even know what its like for a male partner to feel second place to a new baby, to not feel that he can connect with his partner and she seems different? I do not, I cant possibly know but try to understand

 

A lot of women can feel second place to men's interests like football, fishing, their mothers etc but the minute a women's chief interest is the welfare and nourishment of her newborn oh the poor menz brigade starts.

Edited by opethmum
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Kellykopter

I take it this is the first baby for both of you OP? It is such a shock to have your whole lives turned upside down by this crying, pooping, demanding little thing. And you know your supposed to love your baby from the very instant but sometimes the connection takes time, even for the mother that has grown and carried this baby for 9 months.

 

The best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing, be there, be PRESENT, ask her if baby pooed today, how baby's feeding, be involved in the everyday little things that is on her mind. That way you are sharing things, being close emotionally, if not physically and sexually.

 

All of PP's have mentioned the fraise 'touched out'. This is a real thing, mum has baby on her, needing her 24 hours a day, every single day and its going to be that way for a LOOONNNGGG time. That's really daunting knowing that its going to be ages until your boobies and body belong to YOU again.

 

Give it time but don't pull back from her, be there but don't be demanding.

 

Good luck, its a hard time for both of you, baby gets it the easiest!

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CallMeFeral

I don't push for sex or to kiss or anything I just want to make that clear

 

I hope this includes not mentioning that your affection is waning after only 3 months of no sex while she is probably sleep deprived and physically exhausted.

Pressure comes in many forms, and passive aggressive pressure like saying your affection is waning and you aren't sure whether your relationship will survive like this, is just as offensive, unhelpful, and likely to cause resentment and relationship breakdown as active pressure like pushing her for kissing and sex when she's not in the mood. There's no heroism to being passive aggressive about it.

 

Hopefully you are just venting here and have not communicated those ideas to her. It's good that you aren't pressuring her, good that you care and good that you are trying to understand. It's even good that you're asking for help, although you'll have to grow a thicker skin to do it on an online forum.

But just be aware that if you are thinking that stuff about losing the affection and the relationship failing, that you are probably inadvertently communicating it too, and that won't be helping her feel closer to you. She needs to know you love her and will be her rock and support her through what is a very difficult time in a relationship. Implying your love is conditional is not going to foster good feeling.

 

I get that it's hard. She probably feels like she's bearing the load with the baby. You might feel like you're bearing the load with the relationship. To be honest, the first year will be everybody bearing a lot more load than they've ever had to before.

Just survive it, do your best, be considerate and supportive to each other, and don't make any big decisions in the first 18 months.

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Diana_Barry

Yep, I was 'touched out' for a very long time. I didn't even want the cat to touch me! The rare moments I didn't have a baby on me I just wanted my body to myself. It doesn't last forever.

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tres

I'm trying to understand that this is normal but I'm starting to loose the affection towards her and not sure how long our relationship is going to last like this.

 

I really hope that these feelings are not being communicated to your partner, as the last thing she needs is feeling insecure about her relationship during very vulnerable time of her life.

 

You should do some reading about how women feel following a baby and then act accordingly. You can't have a hissy fit because you're not receiving affection/sex with a 3 month old newborn in the house and expect any useful advice - there is none. Please, respect your partner, do some reading and try to be as supportive as you possibly can. This may mean putting your own needs on the backburner for quite a while.

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a letter to Elise.

My libido completely disappeared while breastfeeding. It didn't even occur to me to have sex. It just wasn't on my mind at all. Ever. It is completely the opposite to my usual self, so I have no doubt it was a combination of hormones and general exhaustion.

 

The one thing I have said to my husband, is that I need a lot of general, non sexual affection now, in a way that I didn't need before. I feel really uncomfortable if he just starts to put the moves on out of the blue, if he hasn't hugged me for days. It just feels like yet another obligation when I am obligated to little people 24 hours a day.

 

Another thing to factor in is exhaustion. If your wife is waking every 2-3 hours, around the clock, she will be tired in a way you just can't imagine, especially if she is breastfeeding. Choose your timing well. Scope out how tired she is before you approach her.

 

The biggest thing is to just take care of her in general. Nurture her, cook meals sometimes, cups of tea, or whatever. Find ways to connect with her and feel intimate that don't require sex.

 

It will happen. You will get affection again, you just need to give her a bit more time.

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Datrys

I'm wondering, OP - how are your lives structured? Are you working full time? Is she at home with baby all day, and then getting up to baby at night so you can be rested for work? Does she ever get to go out without baby, to do something she would like?

 

The reason I ask is, I think that sort of pattern is absolute hell for marriages. If I were to make a practical suggestion, it would be, take a week's leave from work. Let her sleep as much as she needs to. Take the baby-load from her as much as possible. And I'll be surprised if she doesn't feel like a new woman at the end of it!

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Squeekums The Elf

really 3 months? thats it? your already wondering if you will walk? wow

 

des nailed it and nothing immature abour her comment

allthat could be with an 'easy' baby, throw in one with colic or other issues and well there even less energy or wanting to be touched

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Guest Ella Minnow Pea

I have a 10 week old and I just have no libido. I'm touched out 24/7. I even struggle with polite hugs with friends and family. I just want my body to myself.

I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally and physically drained. My breasts are sore and full of milk. There has been tearing and cutting and stitching and re-entry is a scary idea.

If I had the slightest inkling that DH resented me, or was questioning our relationship, because of this, I would be shattered. Even more than a cursory 'do you feel like it' could leave me feeling upset. I'm aware how things have changed. I don't like it. I miss intimacy too, but I can't magic up desire where it's not.

 

This is our second, by the way, conceived when our first was 9 months old. Things change. DH and I are in this together.

 

Love and patience. We all need it - babies, partners, families.

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