Tantrums, tests and trying times

My son is turning four in two weeks and for the last few months I have marvelled at how great his behaviour has been. I was looking forward to waving goodbye to those challenging toddler years and enjoying the ease of parenting a child who could verbally communicate his feelings, when all of a sudden things changed. Suddenly all the testing behaviour and tantrums returned, with a ferocity no toddler could ever match.

I should point out that, while he has always been very headstrong, (don’t know WHERE he gets that from) he has never been a big tantrum thrower and we got through the terrible two’s relatively unscathed. In fact, he has been a very easy kid to raise, with a gentle nature and happy disposition. For all these reasons, I had never experienced the dreaded public tantrum until last week, when he had two rippers within days of each other. And I have to say they were every bit as horrible as I had imagined.

But the biggest cause of this testing behaviour and tantrums is the most infuriating part – clothing wars. That’s right, my son is so particular about what he will or won’t wear that we have daily battles just getting out of the house. Isn’t that meant to be a girl thing, or a teenage thing? Of all the issues I thought I’d have raising a boy this was never one I expected!

He has been like this for at least a year now, but it has really peaked lately. He will now only wear one pair of jeans (even if it’s 40 degrees) one pair of shoes, two pairs of socks and 3 t-shirts. Anything else results in a meltdown of biblical proportions.

But it doesn’t end there. The belt he wears has to reach a certain loophole, his socks have to be pushed down a particular way and he has to get dressed in a certain order. Writing this down makes him sound like he has obsessive compulsive disorder, but I know it’s very normal toddler/preschooler behaviour. Some kids have it with food, some with Thomas trains, but they usually all have some kind of quirky little obsession during these years.

But while I can rationalise that it’s a normal case of him wanting control, it is JUST SO FRUSTRATING.

I have learnt over time to pick my battles and be as accommodating as I can be, within reason. So if that means he wears the same thing everyday I just have to take a deep breath and go with it. If he wants to wear jeans and be boiling hot, well that’s his choice. I stopped buying him new clothes months ago and I have accepted that everything with a tag still on it in his wardrobe will probably remain that way.

And for a while letting him have his way worked and we co-existed happily. I wasn’t breaking any major parental rule by letting him have chocolate and chips for dinner everyday, it was just clothes. But now I’m wondering whether indulging him has brought us to this point and whether I should have put my foot down long before it turned into world war three.

The final straw came last week when, God forbid, his favourite jeans had to be washed. I normally do this on a day when we’re staying home so it doesn’t cause issues, but on this day he had his music/theatre class, his favourite thing to do all week. So he had to find another pair of pants to wear. The tears and thrashing to get him dressed at home was stressful enough, but I pushed through it with the knowledge that he would get over it by the time we got there. In the end I threw him in the car, screaming and shoeless and drove to the class with the music up loudly enough to drown out his protests.

But, this time, the tantrum didn’t end when we got there. Oh no, it got worse. It was one of those classic on the ground, hands pounding, everyone look at me, screaming public meltdowns, where he cried “THESE JEANS ARE YUCKY” at the top of his lungs.

Oh how I loved him at that moment, as the other mothers walked past us giving me sympathetic looks, while their perfectly behaved children filed into class.

The worse part was, it wasn’t his usual day, so I didn’t know any of the mums in the waiting room. Or worse still, they didn’t know that my child was normally a lovely well-behaved little boy and not the spoilt brat they were currently witnessing. One of them caught my eye and asked if he was shy and nervous about joining class. “He loves the class” I replied. “He’s just wearing the wrong jeans.” She looked slightly confused by my response, understandably.

But I was calm, I didn’t yell, I didn’t cry (oh, it was close) and I gave him two options, put on his shoes and do the class or we go home. And he graciously accepted my offer to go home and get out of those yucky jeans as quickly as possible, relived that I finally understood his dilemma. He would rather not to the class than do it in the wrong outfit, which wasn’t really my intention when I presented the options.

On our way to the car he was much calmer and stopped to pick me a flower. Now, how do I respond to that?! I was so mad I could have burst into tears and he was picking me flowers. But the thing is, he didn’t seem to be gloating for winning the battle, just thankful that I understood how genuinely upset he was about the whole thing. I tell you, motherhood is such a test in these moments, with no right or wrong answer. Where is the chapter on that in the baby books?

So that night, after a day of no TV, no treats and a very curse Mummy he had a talk with Daddy about tantrums being unacceptable in a big boy who is nearly four. Following the talk he hugged me and offered this heartfelt apology. “I’m sorry for having a tantrum Mummy, but my jeans didn’t look cool, they were yucky.” And off he went, perfectly content in his newly washed cool jeans.

That night I briefly considered putting both him and his jeans on ebay, with a starting price of 99 cents.

The second tantrum was in the choice location of the Parents and Baby Expo, so this time it was in front of thousands of other mums. Good times. I realised in this instance that while a two year old tantrum might be uncomfortable, at least you can strap them in their pram or pick them up and get the hell out of there. When a four year old is refusing to budge there is not a lot you can do about it, especially when you are 7 months pregnant and can no longer carry them. So I had to walk through the Expo, fast tracking to the closet exit, with him trailing behind me screaming “Carry me, I can’t walk” until we got to the car. Oh, happy, happy days.

That night I decided I had to get serious and have been much less accommodating with him ever since. I still let him wear what he chooses, but I don’t indulge the obsession quite as much. If we have to leave the house and he is not ready I will put him in the car how he is – and after doing this once or twice he seems to have got the message. When it comes down to it he thrives on positive praise, so we continue to reward him on the mornings when he co-operates and take away privileges when he doesn’t and hopefully that will pay off.

So, is he a future fashion designer with a deep commitment to his art, or is he a four year old who is testing his boundaries? And should I be tougher and force him to wear what I choose or just go with it and hope this stage passes, just like all the other frustrating stages have? I don’t know. But I do know that I am really looking forward to his brother or sister arriving and dressing them in whatever I choose!

What does your child do that tests you the most? What age did their tantrums peak and what were the causes? Did they have quirky obsessions? And do you think it’s better to be tough or go with the flow with issues such as this? Also, feel free to share your stories of embarrassing public tantrums, so I know I’m not alone!