Meet my imaginary son, Teetee

My son has an imaginary friend. This is a new development and it has made for some delightful, and interesting, moments in our household of late. His friend is called Teetee, and since Teetee has come to stay with us there have been days where I feel like I have two children!

Teetee used to be the name that my son, who is 3 and a half, wanted to be called when he was pretending to be a baby. He would snuggle up to me and say he was Teetee, not Jamison. But then one day he informed us that Teetee had “grown in his tummy” and that he was now “3 years old” and his “second cousin.” Since then Teetee has joined us on outings, he has a bath with Jamison at night, I brush his teeth and put him into bed next to Jami, and then I hear him chatting to his friend before he falls asleep.

It is all very sweet but at first my husband was a little unsure as to whether we should play along with it. So I did some research on the subject, only to be able to proudly inform him that, according to the research, children who have imaginary friends are very intelligent and creative kids who go on to become skilled communicators and high achievers. Now, that sounds like a good enough reason to go along with it to me!

In studies conducted by La Trobe University and the University of Manchester children between the ages of four and six years were compared, with and without imaginary friends.

Researcher Dr Evan Kidd says the study showed those with imaginary friends were better able to get their point across in a conversation with an adult. "They were good at understanding what the conversational partner needed to know," he said.

This skill was enhanced in children with imaginary friends because they became "the writer, producer, director and actor in their own play".

"It is a different form of interaction [than with real friends]. They are creating dialogue for themselves, but also for their imaginary friend.

Among the examples encountered in the study were some very funny stories, including the boy with an imaginary wife and an imaginary baby. But the wife wasn't the mother of his child, she was a nurse who travelled internationally." When asked where the wife was, the boy replied: "I divorced her. She talked too much."

Then there was the imaginary friend known as "Shot through the heart." Apparently the child’s mother was a Bon Jovi fan!!

According to Dr Kidd imaginary friends are very common, with estimates suggesting up to 65 per cent of children have them. They are most common among only children or first-borns aged between four and the start of primary school. However, they are not a sign of a lonely child, but a child who has a strong creative side.

Which does sound like my son, who has always been good at imaginary and creative play. He’s not the least bit interested in playing with his cars or trains, but get him to put on a concert or pretend to be something and he’s content for hours. Child of a performer, I guess!

I do often forget about this extra child I now have though and have been guilty of ‘neglecting’ him on more than one occasion. Jamison often has to remind me to give Teetee a drink, or brush his teeth and sometimes when I kiss him good night he informs me that I missed his head! But the worst imaginary Mummy guilt came the other day, when I forgot to put Teetee’s seat belt on. We reached our destination and when Jamison realised Teetee had been riding without his seatbelt all hell broke loose. He sobbed uncontrollably while I apologised profusely. “But what if we had an accident Mum?” he asked through his tears. It’s not enough to have mother guilt for my own child, I now have it for an imaginary one too!!

Interestingly though, Jamison seems to know who will go along with the idea of Teetee and who won’t. When he took him to preschool the other morning I was surprised when his teacher told me he hadn’t mentioned him all day. When I asked him why he didn’t tell his friends about Teetee and he replied, “They might hurt him.”

I have to admit, I’m kind of glad that Teetee is able to come and go, so that Jam still plays with his real friends instead of sitting in the corner talking to himself. But then, if that’s what makes him happy, that’s ok with me too.

I don’t know how long this will last, but as long as it does Teetee will be part of our family and we will all include him in our lives. And I will try not to forget his seatbelt again!

Here are some ways you can respond to your child's imaginary friend, thanks to the Child Youth Health website:

• Let your child take the lead in how you respond. If it is a private relationship and the child wants you to stay out of it follow that lead. If you are asked to join in the play then do so. Usually you will be asked to make room for the friend in different ways such as providing a seat in the car, not sitting on the friend in a chair and maybe providing things like a cup or plate for the friend.
• While accepting the way your child wants you to act towards the friend it is helpful if you don't get too involved and take over or add your own ideas to the story. It helps your child to work out what is real and what isn't if you stay grounded in the real world most of the time and if you take over or add to the story you are taking from your child's need to create her own story.
• If the friend is always to blame when the child does something wrong it will be helpful to take it out of a "blame" situation. For example if the child says his magic bunny spilt the milk you could say that mistakes are to learn from and that you will help him to clean up the mess for the bunny.
• As your child gets older try to provide lots of enjoyable experiences with real children and real things so the friend will gradually not be as interesting or attractive as the real world, and will disappear.
• Remember that being three or four years old in an expanding world can be scary and that by having a friend to help him through this time your child is being both resourceful and creative.

Does your child have an imaginary friend? Or, did you have one as a child and, if so, have you ended up in a creative profession? It will be interesting to see if the study is right! Leave a comment on Amity Dry's blog.