Kids leggings - photo from cheeky chicas.
From the moment I gave birth to a daughter, I knew this day would come. The conversation was crucial and it would have been negligent of me to avoid it. I just didn't expect to be having it so soon; she's only five!
"Darling," I began gently one day, crouching down to her level to make eye contact as I held her hands tenderly in mine. "Leggings are not pants."
As her face registered confusion, I seized the opportunity to continue. "You see, leggings are more like tights," I explained carefully. "That means they are different from pants and we don't wear them the same way."
She regarded me defiantly. "But I like these leggings!" she protested. I remained calm, maintained eye contact, and spoke kindly yet firmly. "So do I, darling, they're really lovely. They just need a skirt over the top of them. Or a dress. Heck, even a longer T-shirt will do it."
Reluctantly, she complied and I felt some small satisfaction in the same way I do on the rare occasion any child of mine eats a green vegetable. Mother of the Year.
Afterwards, though, I thought about our conversation and wondered if I'd made a mistake. Parenting is made up of a million doubtful moments like this, and only your child's future therapist will be able to say how badly you screwed up.
Was it wrong to impose my views about leggings on my daughter? Had I crushed her little spirit? Or was it my duty as a parent - hell, as a woman - to pass on the single fashion philosophy I live by?
Because surely that's what parents do - imprint our values onto our children in big ways and small. Share our wisdom. For example, in our household we teach our kids that gay people should be able to marry and that hopefully this will soon happen in Australia.
We teach them to have compassion towards asylum seekers, no matter how they arrive here, and that no child should ever be sent to live behind razor wire. We teach them to recycle and to turn off lights and taps to help the environment. Since they're all values my husband and I hold dear, how could we raise our children any other way?
Still, the leggings conversation started me thinking about which beliefs are okay to project onto our children and which should be left up to them to figure out for themselves.
Obviously, we'll cross anything illegal or life-threatening off the DIY list. All decent parents teach their kids that smoking is bad and so are drugs, drink-driving and sunburn. Seatbelts? Mandatory. Duh.
But beyond those kinds of things, it can become murky. Is believing in a particular religion different from passing on your beliefs about vegetarianism or feminism? What about footy teams? Political parties?
Perhaps it comes down to how you view children in relation to parents. Are they simply an annexe of Mum and Dad, like whacking a sun-deck extension on the back of the house?
There are many parents whose boundaries between themselves and their kids are blurred, naming their sons John jnr, dressing their daughters in mini-me outfits or living their lives vicariously from the wings or the sidelines while their kids are pushed to achieve what Mum and Dad never could.
Interestingly, though, in many families, God is a growing area of DIY. More and more parents are refusing to send their kids to formal scripture classes because "they can make up their own minds about what to believe when they're older".
Not everyone agrees with that approach. My friend Kate describes her family as "submarine Catholics" - "we surface at Christmas and Easter" - and recently faced the religion issue with her son, who railed against being confirmed because he said it was boring and pointless. "He may have a point, but I put it in sporting terms," she told me. "I said, 'Ben, any kid can go to the park and play a scratch game of footy. But if you want the jersey and a regular place in the team, you need to pay your subs and sign on.' I've told him Catholicism is a starting point and later on he might want to switch codes or even drop it altogether, but for now, he's on the same team as Dad and me."
Two of my girlfriends have daughters the same age as mine and I asked them if my Leggings-Aren't-Pants mandate was the wrong message for my five-year-old.
"I think we instil our ideas into our kids through osmosis and harsh criticism," one emailed me. "Just like our parents did to us. I don't wear leggings as pants but my five-year-old does and when she's older, I hope she stops! Children are given so little space to make their own choices. We have to trust that we learnt from our mistakes and they should, too."
My second friend agreed. "I am captain of the Leggings-Aren't-Pants army for adults, but while style can be learnt it should start organically. It's an important part of self-expression."
Right, well that's another dollar for the therapy jar.
Mia writes daily at mamamia.com.au, and you can follow her on Twitter at twitter.com/miafreedman.
Would you let your daughter wear leggings as pants? Comment on the Essential Baby forums.
