Essential Baby blogger Amity Dry
Ok, here’s a question. You’re on a play date with a group of friend and their kids. You’re all standing around chatting while the kids play happily together, until one of them hits/bites/shoves/pinches or pushes another – hard enough to cause tears. In this instance, who should tell off the aggressor?
The aggressor’s mother, the mother of the ‘victim’ or a mother whose child had nothing to do with it but saw the incident?
In my experience, getting the answer wrong can cause major repercussions and even end friendships, so be careful which one you choose!
I’m sure we have all been in this situation, or have seen it happen, when a group of preschool children are playing together. At this age the fine art of sharing has yet to be mastered and something as simple as a sought after toy can easily turn into push and shove. But how you deal with these common incidents can be very political indeed and if not handled right can cause hostile feelings between mothers, even those who are good friends. (I’m not sure if Fathers feel the same, those Dads who read this please let me know…)
So, for this reason, I tend to operate by a hierarchy of who can tell off whom, and for me it goes like this… If your kid hurts another child you have first dibs at telling them off. If you weren’t there the parent of the ‘victim’ gets second rights, but if you are nearby they should let you know what has happened and let you deal with it. If neither you or the parent of the ‘victim’ where in the vicinity a parent who did see it should let you both know so you can choose how to deal with it. Only in extreme circumstances should an unrelated parent take it upon themselves to reprimand your child. Unless they know without a doubt that you’re close enough for it to be ok.
Because, in my experience, no matter how naughty or in the wrong your child has been, seeing someone else reprimand them makes you instantly protective of them and slightly miffed at the person telling them off. That mother loin instinct raises its head and makes you to want to defend your child, even when you know they were wrong.
Besides this, it is embarrassing enough when your little darling sinks his teeth or nails into one of his friends, but when another person gives them a stern telling off before you can get there and deal with it it’s makes you feel even more guilty and uncomfortable.
Of course there are exceptions to the rule, teachers and carers have to be able to reprimand your kids while in their care. And my close friends or family members know I would be comfortable with them gently reprimanding my son if they saw him do something wrong. I also think it is perfectly reasonable to tell a child they have hurt someone and that it's not nice to hurt people. But when it comes to a stern telling off, or any kind of discipline, I think if the parent is present it is their job to deal with it. And if they don’t deal with it (rightly or wrongly) then you should keep your mouth shut.
I was in a situation not long ago, where two of my friend’s kids were having a bit of argy bargy over a toy and one got shoved in the process. Now, both these boys are capable of giving and taking a shove and this was not a particularly aggressive occasion. Both of their mums were keeping an eye on it and ready to step in and separate them if necessary, but in this case another mum stepped in before they had a chance. She loudly told the shover off and took the toy away, while the rest of us watched in silent surprise. Her child had not been involved and both the boy’s mums were there, so her reaction was both unexpected and unnecessary.
The mother of the shover was both embarrassed and uncomfortable, despite being assured by the mum of the ‘victim’ that she had not been concerned about it. Both of them felt that if they had chosen to ignore the behaviour it was not up to the other mum to decide otherwise. The moment was over quickly, however it caused a tension to hang in the air that ended what had been a nice play date. Reminding me why my rule is one I will be sticking too now and in the future.
Who knew the politics of play dates was such a minefield, hey?!
Do you have a rule about situations like this? Do you ever tell off other people’s children or do you think it’s wrong? Who are the people that you’re ok with reprimanding your kids and who is it never ok for? Have you fallen out with a friend over a similar story?
Comment on Amity's blog here.
