Essential Baby blogger Joseph Kelly
I have often heard from members of my parent’s generation how refreshing it is to see men nowadays involved in all aspects of child raising. But there are still parts of the parenting puzzle that remain a complete mystery even to the most sensitive of new-age men.
Men uniformly attend the birth of their children, are happy to push a pram down the high street and most (with the celebrated exception of Shane Warne) know how to change a nappy. But there are still parts of the parenting puzzle that remain a complete mystery even to the most sensitive of new-age men.
To be fair to men of my father's generation, they have always played a large part in conception but for various reasons have not figured too highly on the parenting journey thereafter. This was not always by their own design. It wasn't that long ago, for example, that men were actively discouraged from attending the birth of their children by militant members of the medical fraternity. Likewise, an older colleague recently told me that when he had children a man wouldn't be seen dead pushing a pram as this was considered "sissy". While this has all thankfully changed and men are (on the whole) more engaged in parenting, the one part of the birthing and child raising process that men are still completely in the dark about is the actual biology of birthing itself.
The birth of a child is, for all involved, a pretty scary time. As well as all the unknowns about the baby and your role as a parent, there are some pretty weird things that are about to happen to your partner's body. And for a man, finding out what these weird things are is not always easy, not least of all because birthing has its own language which is foreign, terrifying and completely confusing. For example, Susie and I were recently discussing our birthing plan for baby number three. When Susie started talking to me about a VBAC I thought she had moved on to talking about lunch and wanted to know if I wanted a BLT with veal. When I said I'd have my VBAC toasted she knew we were not only on the wrong page but were reading from two very different scripts.
Likewise, right up until the birth of our third daughter Rita, I thought that Frank Breach was the name of our obstetrician. And while I'm on the topic of obstetricians, the only way I can remember that a baby doctor is an 'obstetrician' is to think of the word 'obstacle' - as in 'the doctor has to manoeuvre the large baby through the small obstacle' - and then stretch the word out. It's like the word episiotomy which I connect to the word 'appease' - as in "this will appease the pain you are feeling in manoeuvring the large baby through the small obstacle". It seems like every word to do with child birth is terrifying.
Freebirthing, I now know, is not a new experimental jazz movement. And a doula, I'm reliably informed, is not something you use to exfoliate but is a trained birthing support person. But these aren't terms or concepts that were patiently explained to me, rather I had to dig past a deep layer of secrecy and press my ear firmly to the women's cone of silence (and read a lot of posts in EB). Having been an active and engaged husband and father for three births, there are still parts of the process that I am yet to understand.
My wife Susie says the reason I don't know these things is simple. Whenever the subject of birthing is raised, she says, I simply take myself to my happy place and block out everything that is being said. As evidence of this she points to the fact that we did several weeks of pre-natal classes before Maisie's arrival in which birthing was explained in all its technicolour detail - none of which I can remember. Susie insists that any time the phrase "birth canal" is mentioned my eyes glaze over and my spirit leaves the building.
I think this is partially true. I think there are also parts of the birthing process that women like to keep for themselves. I just don't know if it's kept secret because men, like Colonel Nathan R Jessep, can't handle the truth or if it's because women want to keep part of the experience for themselves.
Is there a cone of silence around birthing that excludes men? Or are men still a few evolutionary steps away from being able to understand what goes on at the business end of birthing? Comment on Joseph's blog here.
