We are experiencing some intense sleep deprivation at the moment thanks to my two-year-old party animal, who has decided that sleep is a luxury we can all do without.
He is f**king wrong, I'll tell you that. This can't go on for much longer without someone (me) cracking.
Here are a few of the reasons my toddler is not asleep ...
1. He is too hot. He needs mummy to help readjust his covers.
2. He is too cold. He needs more covers. But not those covers. Different covers. Ones that we don't own. Let's go to the shop and buy new covers.
3. He is too 'ouchy'. But cannot provide any direction as to where the ouchy is located.
4. There is a crocodile under the bed (thanks, Spot). Mummy needs to kill that crocodile now please. Yes, with a hammer.
5. He got cough "ahem ahem".
6. The trampoline is lonely and wants him to jump on it.
7. He has the giggles and cannot stop laughing like a crazy little drunk person, then starts crying, also like a crazy little drunk person.
8. His t-shirt is too tight. He needs help removing it. However this results in a repeat of point 2.
9. He can't find his pyjama shorts (he is wearing them).
10. He is sad about his teddy that he lost. Six months ago.
11. He needs a kiss because "I lub you mummy".
12. He is scared that Mayor Goodway has lost Chicka Letta, and the Paw Patrol gang won't find her in time. (In time for what?? I'll never know!).
13. He realises that his night-time nappy has Dora on it, when he clearly requested Diego. Despite all of the nappies in the whole packet having Dora on them (and us having this conversation every night).
14. His painting is too wet. He needs to go and check on it to make sure it is drying okay by itself.
15. Sleep BORING.
16. He NO WANT SLEEP.
17. Mummy is too cross for him to sleep.
18. He has a sore throat that requires investigation with the special purple torch, and can only be fixed by a spoonful of peanut butter-flavoured medicine.
19. His Band-aid fell off. Yesterday.
20. His bed hurts him. He wants to sleep in mummy's bed. On mummy.
21. He needs some more milk.
22. He needs some more water. But not from that drink bottle. From a proper glass. With a green straw with blue and yellow stripes. With a dolphin on it. That he saw at the shop the other day.
23. He needs a wee, and requires mummy's assistance to stand guard at the bathroom door, in case a dragon comes up through the drain.
24. He needs a poo (10 minutes after the wee).
25. He is hungry again. The muffin he left behind at the party on the weekend is the only possible snack that will satisfy him.
26. He is sad because one day mummy will die.
27. He wants to know what "die" means.
28. He needs just one more sip of water. But from the tap. No, not that tap. The one with the hose in the backyard.
29. He needs another wee.
30. It's morning time, Mummy! (He was right, by this stage it was f**king morning – and he promptly fell asleep for two hours).