When viewed through the eyes of a toddler, the world can seem like a pretty bizarre, scary place. But imagine how much scarier it would be if they were to run it ...
The Cookie Jar Ruling
There is to be easy and unrivalled access to the cookie jar and treats tin at all times. Wherever I may be, and whatever time of day or night it is, these treats must remain within reach and eyesight and must NEVER be empty.
In light of this, there is to be no discussion around unbalanced diet or unhealthy nutritional habits.
The Bedtime Ruling
I have, and will remain to have for the foreseeable future, the right to determine when I am tired and when I am ready for bed. Until this time, I reserve the right to stay up and watch more programs, request more snacks and drinks, and talk or shout as much as I like.
In light of this, there is to be no discussion around how tired I look, what a busy day it has been, or how much you would like some peace.
The Remote Control Ruling
It’s important to remember that while you may have brought the TV, I reserve the right to remain in charge of the remote control and the programs of choice. Please note that this ruling appeals to any time of day or night when I may feel like watching TV, regardless of whether or not you are already watching something.
In light of this, there is to be no discussion around what you would ‘ideally’ like to watch, and no complaining when I watch the same episode of Fireman Sam on repeat 50 times.
The Television Ruling
On the subject of the television, there is to be no limit on how long I watch it. I will be the decision maker when it comes to stating when ‘enough is enough’, and, as referred to previously, I have the right to watch episodes of my favourite shows on repeat no matter how annoying you may find them.
In light of this, there is to be no discussion around, or reference to, “Five minutes more” or “this is the last show”.
The Supermarket Ruling
When in the supermarket, it will be up to me to decide the pace at which we will shop, and I will be free to walk or run at such a pace. I will also determine which aisles we will and will not be shopping in.
In light of this, there is to be no discussion around putting me in the trolley or restraining me in the stroller, nor is there to be any avoidance of the confectionery and chips aisles.
The Sharing Ruling
I reserve the right to decide when and with whom I will consider sharing my toys and belongings, if at all. Until such a time that I deem someone may be worthy of touching my precious items, they remain mine and mine alone. A breach to this rule may result in me hitting someone.
In light of this, there is to be no discussion around sharing with my friends, and even less discussion around sharing with a random being I have met only five minutes prior in the sandpit.
The Friendship Ruling
As an independent person with an independent mind, I have the right to choose whom I will and won’t like. I will not be forced to like, get along with and share (see above ruling) with everybody, especially in cases in which friendship is forced upon me because it’s convenient for you.
In light of this, there is to be no discussion around having to be really nice to everyone, or making friends with the offspring of your friends.
The Vegetable Ruling
There are to be no ‘hidden’ vegetables in my dinner. All vegetable matter is to be declared and presented in full on my plate and I reserve the right to refuse to eat it, throw it across the room, feed it to the dog and demand chips.
In light of this, please refer to prior cookie ruling in relation to matters not to be discussed.
The Waiting my Turn Ruling
Patience is a virtue that I do not have and, therefore, I reserve the right to play with whatever I want whenever I want, and will NOT wait my turn. If I want something, I will simply get it upon demand, and this is regardless of whoever may currently have the requested item.
In light of this, there is to be no discussion around someone else having it first, waiting our turn or using our manners. It is simply to be understood that it is always MY turn.
The Tantrum Ruling
Much like people pissing me off, there are also bound to be LOTS of times when the world is just totally overwhelming for me for all manner of reasons. During these times I reserve the right to throw myself on the floor in a dramatic fashion, scream and cry lots, and generally just have a complete meltdown for as long as I feel necessary. I reserve the right to do this whenever and wherever I so feel appropriate.
In light of this, there is to be no discussion about me misbehaving myself in hissed voices and no dragging me off the floor. There is to be no threat of the removal of treats. In fact, there is to be no reaction on your behalf at all, other than waiting for this time to pass in a calm and adult manner, following which you may offer me a treat as way of compensation for whatever thing it was that rocked my little world.