Being a parent is wonderful. Joyful. The best. But oh boy can it also be painful at times. And no, I'm not talking about the dinner-bath-bed (wine) routine.
Here are 9 parenthood-related pain and injuries you might be familiar with (or have to look forward to) ...
The kick to the groin
Not being in possession of a set myself, I have to take the word of the many men I've seen doubled over in agony when rough and tumble play with a boisterous toddler has resulted in a kick to the family jewels. From what I've observed, and from the colourful feedback it results in, a toddler kick to the groin just about stops time. I'm not saying a box is a must-have for the toddler years, but it might not be a bad idea to dig it out of the cricket bag if you've got one, dads.
The breast bite
The first time your beautiful baby bites your nipple while breastfeeding is a particularly brutal milestone. And one that has you wincing through the next few feeds in painful anticipation of a repeat performance. Once bitten, twice TERRIFIED.
You know the one - when your baby really needs their nails clipped, only you keep forgetting to do it. And then one day, you're cradling bub, and they're staring up at you, and it's all very lovely and Huggies commercial-worthy and then OUCH! Baby's unclipped nail leaves a nasty scratch across your cheek/chest/nose. Huggies moment over.
Toys, both big and small
It's common knowledge that Lego, those little coloured minefields, cause a particularly special kind of pain when stepped on. Then there are Matchbox cars - ever taken an impromptu skid across the floor on one of those? Good times. Sitting on Buzz Lightyear was a memorable experience, too. Oh and the toys-left-on-stairs one? That one also hurts.
Some of the tantrum-related injuries I've sustained thus far include: having strands of hair pulled out, scoring a plastic cup to the forehead, and multiple kicks to various body parts.
And, if we're including psychological pain, there are one or two tantrums I still experience in the form of post-traumatic flashbacks when revisiting the scene of The Meltdown.
Did you know you can get RSI from pushing your child on the swing for too long? Well, trust me you can. Could someone invent a remote control swing already? My elbow thanks you in advance.
When you think it's probably safe to get out those dangly earrings you used to wear pre-kids, think again. Then wait another 12 months. Having an earring ripped out of your ear is a unique brand of torture ... as is trying to find it afterwards.
Getting in touch with your inner child
Attempted a cartwheel or a handstand recently in an effort to feel young while playing with your kids? I did, and I ended up pulling a hammy.
Oh, and then there was the time I went down the slippery dip so fast I felt like I'd broken my coccyx bone when I landed not on the bottom of the slide, but on the ground. Guess that's why it's called "child's play."
Have you ever been kicked in the head by a little night visitor who's somehow done a 180 degree rotation in bed, ending up with his feet in your face? Perhaps you're more familiar with the child-asleep-on-arm pins and needles? Or just your run of the mill back pain from sleeping like a contortionist due to lack of space ... who knew sleep could be an extreme sport?!
Kids. Lucky they're cute, hey?