Raising boys
Sons, dads and self-esteem
Every second Tuesday - through a lack of child minding and my desire to be seen as a "good" dad - I take day the day off and care for my 18-month year old son, Luca. And this particular Tuesday, for no particular reason, I took him to his first-ever outing at McDonald's. In hindsight, it was probably a dumb idea.
Firstly, the little fellow seemed unable to distinguish between the edibility of the hamburgers and the tatty plastic toys you get when you buy one. He was utterly disinterested in Ronald's indoor play equipment and, to the kid's credit; he couldn't wait to get the hell out of the place. As we made our escape in the car I turned to him and said, "Whatever you do, don't tell your mother about this."
However, as a woman does, soon as my wife got home she spotted the toxic plastic panda Luca had obviously managed to smuggle out with him. "What are you taking him there for?" she said all huffily. "I spend all this time trying to get him to eat healthily and you're taking him to McDonald's?"
Was she right? In my half-baked attempt to entertain and feed the child had I merely condemned him to a lifetime of fast-food addiction and adulthood obesity?
For this is the parlous state that we fathers often find ourselves. In our hapless attempts to be seen as a great dad are we merely just stuffing-up the child for life?
For sure, we blokes may bungle the kid's diet, send them out in clothes that don't match and pretend we can't smell a full nappy, but if there is one area we can play a pivotal role - particularly with our sons - it's in developing their self-esteems. If our boys grow up to be polite, interested, well mannered and respectful then we get to say we've done our jobs.
And it it's only now that childcare professionals are beginning to fathom the importance of self-esteem in kids, particularly in boys. And that's because a lack of it can manifest itself in so many different ways: from being shy or a recluse right through to bullying behaviour.
And when it comes to self-esteem and boys Pam Linke from Early Childhood Australia agrees it's we dads who often prove invaluable. Linke says fathers play an important role in encouraging adventure and learning in their sons but she says it's equally important they're there to comfort the child if and when he gets hurt or scared or frightened.
"I think there's a real fear among fathers that if you do comfort and nurture your son then they'll grow up as sissies," suggests Linke. "When a little girl comes looking for comfort she'll get it, while the little boy will get teased. I think that remains a real problem with many Australian fathers; pushing any child away is not a good thing."
According to Linke signs a young boy's self-esteem could be lacking manifests itself in things like bullying, giving-up, not trying, not coping when they don't win at a game or, in older kids, acting the "class clown". On the flipside, Linke says the signs a parent's getting it right include: a happy kid, one who considers others, makes friends, tries new things and then looks for - and receives - comfort when things go awry.
Linke, who's employed by the Children, Youth And Women's Health service, recommends its website - www.cyh.com - as a good starting point for parents wanting more information on toddlers and self-esteem.
Childhood counsellor Mark Le Messurier believes we're only now beginning to grasp the importance of self-esteem in children. The Adelaide-based author of the book Parenting Tough Kids sights research that's found 12 per cent of primary school children in South Australia have some kind of mental health issue, which he believes stems from self-esteem issues during infancy.
According to Le Messurier a good indicator of a boy's self-esteem is not merely his relationships with others but how he handles that relationship when problems arise. "Have they got enough self-belief to solve the problem?" he asks, "Or do they simply have the big reaction, the tantrum?"
He reckons the biggest problem surrounding father/son relationships is that men often find it a struggle to come home from a long day at work and immediately switch over to playing "family man". "Women are much better at multi-tasking between work and family," he says. "Having said that, historically fathering hasn't been as valued as mothering has and I think we're only now starting to try and redress that."
And his advice for dads: "Get to know your child, spend time with him, model great behaviour and give plenty of positive feedback. Improving a child's self-esteem is merely a case of catching the good behaviour and commenting on it."
Both Linke and Le Messurier agree there's no evidence to suggest where a child is in the family - be he the eldest, middle or youngest - will have a bearing on his self-esteem. But, having said that, Linke admits that some parents can tend to "baby" the youngest boy. "It's a matter of making every child feel special," she concludes.
Le Messurier adds that there is a danger when an only son is "raised to be a quasi-adult, where he mirrors the parents more than he's allowed to be a child." He says a child that becomes dependent on a doting father could grow up to have problems later in life.
So in building self-esteem in our sons, it doesn't appear the route's that far-removed from the basics of any good parenting: be engaged, be responsive and be attentive emotionally.
It again gets back to my long-held belief of parenting. You can give them all the toys and Wiggles DVDs that their little hearts desire, but what they really want is spades of dad's time. Oh, and best to keep them out of McDonald's too.
