Take care to demystify the baby to your first child
When my mother was seven, her baby sister was born, to her absolute shock and horror. She had been having a perfectly nice time getting full attention from both her parents and this new arrival was there to spoil the party as far as she was concerned.
She doesn't remember being given any preparation for a little sister and responded negatively. Her favourite thing was to sneak up and pinch the baby when she was in her cot unattended.
A textbook case of how not to do it. Thankfully we have moved on from those less communicative days when pregnancy wasn't talked about and babies just appeared as if by magic. If anything we err now on the side of too much information. But no matter how you do it, a new arrival can turn your routine at home into a bit chaos for a while, while everyone learns to assimilate.
Diane Levy, the New Zealand parenting coach and author of: “Of course I love you...., Now go to your room,” says today's parents can be guilty of building up the arrival of the new baby, so that inevitably there is a let down for the first born.
“I don’t quite understand why, but we feel obliged to tell our young children amazing whoppers,” she says. Things like: “We are having a baby and he is going to be your baby,” and: “It is going to be so lovely for you to have a baby to play with.” Grandparents and family friends also join in the charade, she says.
The reality is, within a day of the new babe's birth, your toddler is likely to feel horribly betrayed, says Levy. This is not his or her baby. They are only allowed to hold the baby briefly and even then they cry or don't even open their eyes. The baby can't in reality be “played with” at all.
Entrusting your suddenly huge, galumping toddler near a tiny newborn is one of the hardest things a parent will have to negotiate. You don't want your communication with your first born to constantly be: “Don't do that” or “No, not now, darling.” Levy learnt to let her son cuddle her daughter in the middle of her big double bed. After about fifteen seconds, he got bored and simply let go. Everyone got what they wanted.
Levy says while you do want to emphasise the positive, the best way of preventing inevitable jealousy is not to compensate for having a baby in the house and never to excuse your child when they hurt the baby, especially if they do it more than once, long enough to know it is not allowed. Children must be shown that the basic household rules remain constant so things, such as “No hitting” and “No cuddling too hard” apply now just as much as they did before. You don't want them doing this with other people's children any more than your own.
The gift-giving that goes on in the first couple of weeks has to be played carefully, warns Levy. She recommends a present for the pre-schooler in the baby's cot supposedly from the baby. But she says, try not to set up expectations for your toddler or pre-schooler that every well-wisher will come armed with gifts. It can become pretty embarrassing when your child rushes to a new visitor and asks for their present.
Of course the age gap between the first born and the new sibling is key to how much you can explain to your child before the baby arrives. School counsellor, Maryann, says she and her four-year-old were able to peruse her pregnancy book throughout the nine months together. They would talk about how big the baby was as the pregnancy progressed and discuss interesting facts like the baby having finger nails at a certain stage.
She also made sure that Jack was the first one in the family that she and her husband told about the baby. “That was important. And we told him not to tell anybody just yet.” He was also included in all the logistical decisions, given a say in which bedroom would be Kate's although of course it was all decided.
“We would talk about the role that he would play. He was given presents. He saw it all pretty positively.”
Danielle has just had her second son, and fortunately has her husband at home helping with her older son, Ben, aged two. She says Ben is acting up quite a lot, and she is struggling not to tell him off all the time. Unfortunately he has only just moved into his new bed because they were renovating until very recently. This means if the baby isn't keeping them awake in the night, it's Ben coming in for a nocturnal visit. Danielle says she now empathises with parents of twins.
Psychologist Jackie Riach who runs the Australian-developed Tripe P Positive Parenting Programme in New Zealand, says if you are planning any transitions with your first child, such as moving them from the cot to a bed, do it well in advance.
Take care to demystify the baby to your first child, she says. Explain what a baby is going to be like, that they sleep and cry and need feeding. “Tell the child that they should be prepared that things are going to change.”
Plan well ahead in advance on what will happen on the day you go into hospital. Tell them: “Mummy is going to be away probably for a couple of days and Daddy and Grandma will be taking care of you,” for instance. If the child is at daycare, write them a note about what is happening which can be read to them. Try to keep up all their usual routines of playcentre on Tuesdays for instance.
When the two siblings first meet in the hospital, the psychologist advises having a photo of the first child in the room, so the message is the baby is joining the family not replacing the first born. When the partner is bringing the child in to meet the new arrival, the mother should make sure she is free from feeding the newborn, so she can give them a big hug and a cuddle, suggests Riach.
Meanwhile make plans to spend with your child while the baby is sleeping even though it might be tempting to get washing sorted or do other chores. “What's really important is spending lots of time with them, even when you're feeding, you're noticing what the child is doing, you are still attending to them,” says Riach.
When it is feeding time, try to save up some highly engaging activities that your toddler can do, she suggests. If you are constantly putting on DVDs, these will not be special and interesting enough to hold their attention.
It's not unusual for toddlers to play up during this time of change but Riach says to try not to give negative attention to bad behavior, rather spot the times the child is behaving nicely.
Don't be surprised if the first child regresses in the early days of the new baby, says Riach and be relaxed about this. Potty training may go backwards for a while. She remembers her toddler trying to squeeze into a baby seat at the age of two. Sometimes they may just throw a toddler-like temper tantrum which you'd thought they'd grown out of.
“They are just trying to cope with change.” If they are really naughty be prepared to use the usual strategies of quiet time and planned ignoring, says Riach.
“Most children adapt. It's like learning to read, most get there in the end,” she says.
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